A diary of me without her. ACFFMN https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7AVwSOobNo5mlmxNTh5Vrw?si=6deba4a8b1034ec3
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I wonder if you ever wonder where I am and what I’m doing. Bet you think I’ve just moved on to someone else. And I bet you’re wrong. It was always you. It will always be you. I’ve found a way to exist. To keep moving. But no one will ever convince me to love again. I gave my whole heart to one person in this world. And I sure wish you had loved me too. Doesn’t change my path. I made a promise and I intend on keeping it until my last breath.
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Some nights it eats me alive. Consumes me. I can feel your skin and feel you touch me. I can still feel your lips. My body aches for yours to fit into mine. I can hear your breathing as you fall asleep in my arms. And I can smell your hair and skin. Nights like these it is crushing.
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Why did you come back to me? Why bother? Did you just get me tangled up so you could hurt me again? You already knew the lasting effect the other times had. You got all the signs. Drunk texts. Flowers on the day. You never had to wonder. I always loved you no matter what. I still do. You always told me you did but chose to hurt me anyway. You could’ve ended us without ruining me. I deserved that. I earned as much. And so I sit here on nights like this praying for a one in a million chance you’ll want to hurt me again someday. ACF
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My god this song. If I could go back to the first night, LA, stumbling down Broadway in Nashville or even a quiet weekend where we never left the bed, I would give anything. Everything. You forgot how happy I made you. How incredible it was. I have not. I can still feel your lips. Your curls falling on me. Your body seeking mine in your sleep. I’m never getting over you.
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“Nothing haunts us like the things we don’t say.”
— Mitch Albom
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“Do you know how much thinking and feeling I’ve done? It’s terrible. And nothing’s come of it.”
— Andrei Platonov, Happy Moscow.
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16 April, 1939 Letters to Véra by Vladimir Nabokov
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something about being dead to family when moving | songs: "Good While It Lasted" by Jason Isbell / "Overseas" by Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit / "Dreamsicle" by Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit
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