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day 29: 12/20/19

J, 

18 month. 1.5 years. To many days. Tomorrow I see you again. It’s unbelievable. I’ve missed you so much in the past 1.5 years I don’t know how to not miss you. I love you.  I’m just learning how to live without you but it hurts all the time. I distract myself by doing random shit like academic team, band, sleep overs, anything to avoid being home alone with my thoughts. Now I get to see you tomorrow and this whole process will start over all of these mental breakdowns, me pulling my hair out not knowing what to do screaming WHY over and over. It’s been hard really hard. But I’ll be okay because I have to be. You don’t need a broken sister you need me. 

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Day 18

J

Sometimes i domt know what to do abymore. Its 12:28 am 6.5 hours befoore schools and i cant get comfortable.i got a new diagnosis. Its scoliosis. Its rather painful i haven't told many people you dont know. Dad doesnt. I dont knoow what to do everyone expects me to be to be okay.

Alysss

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Day 17 11-11-19

J

Im fighting. Im fighting hellish monster inside me for you. I was clean for yesr i through that all down the drain last night. No one knows. I just one bad day sent me over the edge i dont know why i couldnt catch myseld before. Ive practice self control so hard to stop this and now what if that now that its started it doesn't end. The part of me was always you.

Im terrified. What if everything ive worked for goes down the drain. No one understand that. Ive year on flicking myself with rubberband biting my nail and so so so much more. Ill be damned if i dont crawl out fo this hole like i did before bjt what if i can't will you be mad? And all because I want to trsvel for college it all goes down the drain. Should i be pleasing everyone? Shouldnt college be my choice?

-your sister alyssa

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I'll never forget

I'll never forget when when you would just giggle for hours

I never forget your Dental Smile how you said my name

what is the get the Innocents in your eyes but also the fear in them

Always remember that they are felt when you were sick

I will never forget the hope you hold in your eyes

I'll always remember your strength and keep it with me

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Day 16: 10/5/19

J

I just.... why

Why can't I go around with simple fucking tasks. I love you . I miss you. For I just want to hold you. I didn't think itd be this hard. Hi shouldn't complain. Moms right I can't see past the end of my nose. I'm fucking selfish. Everything I do is for me. I complain for no good reason. So what I have an absent dad? At least my mom's here and she's not beating me.. So what I had no childhood at least I have an adulthood. Why is it so hard to except that my life is good. Why do I feel so empty? Why can't I move on from the past? I just want to be better.

Bye for now

Alyssaa

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Day 15:5/12/19

J

Its been awhike. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm bad at this it's been almost a year sense I've seen you I listen to your voice recording on repeat. I dont know how much longer I can go without being abel to hug and kiss you I should've done it every moment I had possible. I remember how terrified I was the first I saw you after you were cancer free

It the summer between 6th and 7th grade I couldn't stop staring at your bald head. Not because I hated it but because you were here you made it. I couldn't beilve it I almost broke down crying God I miss you so much and all your little quirks

Love alyssa

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“I just know we’re all we’ve got. More than that. We keep each other human.”

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trying to prove a point to my parents

like if you think there are only 2 genders

reblog if you think there are more than 2 genders

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This totally happened right?

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Sam and Mary: 2/?

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“This isnt just a story. This is our lives! You’ve been playing us from the start. God or no God you go to hell”

YASSS DEAN!!

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*

“Welcome to the end.” <another full blown tantrum from a petty deity>

Just…can I say…

I’m proud of my boys. They fought with their hearts. They stood together.

They’re the authors of their story and who better to write the ending, then the Winchesters and Castiel?

I look forward to the final journey.

My heart may not be ready, but I’ll be okay in the end.

It’ll be okay in the end. And if it’s not okay? It’s not the end, now is it?

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It had to be done.

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Oh my god, Chuck has literally unleashed hell on earth

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Day 14:4/1

J

Two months I'm sorry you deserved better. Miles turns one in two days. I won't be there. He spoke his first word I wasn't there. When he takes his first steps I won't be there. I won't be there. I won't be there. I WONT BE THERE. How could I let this happen. I promised you. I promised I would protect you and now I can't even be there for you I'm really sorry

-alyssa

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Day 13:1/27

I swear im trying. Im trying to move on do anything to make you proud. I named my foundation after you the Jeremy Luke foundation. I hope you can take it over one day. Nothing else

Alyssa