am-i-real1102

[am-i-real1102]

I stay sucked into my world

My small little world

It's quaint and fragile

stubborn and hollow

An egg

It protects me

It shields me from things I'd rather deal with on another date

Everything I do is procrastinate the inevitable thoughts

Like moss growing over a tree

The tree feeds and allows a safe area to grow

But it isn't quite tampered

Mould even

An invested growth

I attempt to rub away but even the smallest cell can regrow back even faster

A leech climbs and feeds on my bubble

Its teeth crunch

And bust a hole in my shell

Rows of fangs

Rounds of knives eat away that protective layer

I watch in horror while trying to slumber

Soundly

Safely

Suffering

Silently

Withering away

I didn't even get the chance to grow fully.

As the spit leaves its mouth runs down the walls

Causing me to stick to the ground

Like glue keeping me from prying it off in hopes I could rest

Another one slithers its way around

I can see its silhouette and the trail of goo it leaves behind

Black and murky

Crunch

Another bite

The shell weakens

The veins from my amniotic sack lose strength in hopes I will birth early

Early enough to break free and live happily

The glue keeps me stuck

As the spit fills the soft shell left behind

Im now surrounded by leeches

Eating away at my guard

Tears mixing and solidifying

I am not going anywhere

I look at my peers tucked soundly in their shells untouched.

The forest I once called my home

Is killing me

Before I can even take my first breath.

[am-i-real1102]

A world without me

It’s morbid

And it’s one of my greatest fantasies

I wish I were born as the birds who sing

Or the animals who roam

Not some random human

With a mental dome

I feel detached no matter what

Sober

High

Asleep

Gone

Dreaming of a world different then this

I can’t give up now

I’d let down too many people

I’d let down myslef

Again

And again

Like I usually do

Not built for this world

Survival of the fittest

I wish I died a long time ago

A freak accident

Walking across the street

Hit by a car

Jump of a bridge

Maybe a bus will hit me hard enough I won’t even feel it

It

Death

That warm

But ever so cold feeling

Comforting

But uncanny

A dream that always slips through my fingers

I’ve been in survival mode for so long

I don’t know what to do now

I don’t want to do anything

I wish I could runaway from it all

I wish I wasn’t here

Writing this

Doing this right now

But “life is full of suffering”

What if my life just is suffering

Over and over again

Never ending cycle of new pain

Pains I could never even imagine

I’ve lived through so many im suprised I stayed this long

I know others have gone through worse

But I feel capped

A can ready to explode

Maybe I should just admit myself to a hospital

Maybe they can numb this numbness

An empty shell of a human

Filled with nothing but people pleasing

People re-enacting

Energy copying

Tired old me

Who am I even doing this for anymore

It’s not me

I don’t feel alive

I’m just here for people who don’t want me to leave

Maybe one day my wish will come true

[am-i-real1102]

If I was a cat

I wish I could be a cat

Domestic

Wild

Crazy

Calm

Sleeping the day away

Basking in the sunlight made for me

Someone at beck and call

Most of the time.

I could be sassy

Nice

Pissy

Selfish

But no one would fault me for being more than who I am

Just a cat

I get my way

I go where I choose

Sit with who I like

Ignore and hiss at those who pose threats to my comfort

Safety

Oh to be a cat

I could just be me

For once

[am-i-real1102]

Today

There’s this feeling in me

I can’t quite pin it,

It’s familiar

But strange

It’s been haunting me for years but now it’s back in full swing

I feel more stuck in purgatory than I ever have been

So please help me understand why it plagues me so

It can’t just be anxiety

My brain won’t accept that

It refuses

It’s telling me something is wrong

Something is amiss but what

I have everything I could ever want

I’ve finally found a place I feel welcome and happy

Yet this feeling sits in my stomach

Begging me

Feeding on me

Why

Why is this happening to me

What went wrong

What happened

Did I miss something

Have a lost it

Because everyday feels so real it feels fake

I feel like I’m being followed

It could be a person

A moment

A feeling I can’t get rid of

No matter how slow I breathe

Or how calm I am

A feeling never quenched

Not until it takes me

I feel like I’m cheating death

Maybe it’s a sign I shouldn’t go on

I don’t know how I’ll physically survive this

I feel like my body doesn’t want me

Doesn’t need me

I feel like my body is betraying me

Telling me lies

And letting me feed into its everlasting hunger

But who’s hunger is it

Because

My body did this to me

It’s been keeping me from doing a lot

And I feel trapped

Caged by a new fear

Me

So consumed

I don’t think a key exists

I can’t help me anymore

It feels as if I’m losing grip

This world isn’t real to me

And that scares me to my core.

[am-i-real1102]

On my last day

I want there to be sun

Not too hot

Just a tad bit cold

A beautiful breeze tickles the hair covering my skin

Pulling me as my body watches the world

I want to go on a walk

I’m not sure where yet

I want there to be a path that goes for miles

But meets back at the perfect moment where I’m tired enough to lie on the grass

Feeling each silky blade in my fists

As I pull throwing them into the air

As they fall unto me

Hugging me

Embracing me into the ground

I want ice cream and my favourite candy

I want everyone to know

Today is my last

I don't want a celebration

I just want to exist

One last day

I don't want a funeral

No mourning

I’ve cried all the tears anyone would need

I’ve felt all the dread

Needn’t worry

I will still be around

[am-i-real1102]

I don't own my body anymore

It feels like pebbles slowly falling out of my hand

I feel every curve

And every jostle while the smaller rocks fall first

I can't enjoy my body like I used to

It's all tainted

Stained

Red wine on the carpet

Never going to get that out

But that ok

It's a mere memory of moments passing

Those dreaded moments

That I sat through

As my body was torn

Ripped from me

With a kiss

A bite

A slap

A bruise

The pain

The realization of what I am now

Who I am

A body

A body like a peach

Once sweet and juicy

A flavour I wanted everyone to taste

I walked in hopeful

And my body left behind shattered pieces of me in every bed

Invisible and soon,

With my guard down

I’d swoon with a sip of poison

A puff of power

And to me, I apologize

For doing that

Leaving me vulnerable

Leaving me to fend for myself without my armour

Now I walk with open wounds

Until I finally bleed out

[am-i-real1102]

Look by my nightstand

Look for a cord

Frayed and tattered

Plug in my old computer

Log in

Search for answers I never answered

A phone call I couldn’t bring myself to open my mouth

Spit out

The

Words

That

Could

Never be

But I promise I tried

I knew you’d understand one day

I wish I didn't have to be dead

For you to finally see inside of me

The phone cord was choking me

Restraining my speech

The curled curved winding wires would be the last thing to caress my neck

Snap me into submission

Where a man in a dark cloak can sweep me away

Petting my hair

As my soul smokes out of my body

And the phone rings one last time

As I put the phone on the receiver and let the time pass

As my deepest fantasies carry me to bed

To wake me for another dastardly day.

[am-i-real1102]

- Dirty little secrets -

How is it that it's never ever just enough?

I'm not tall enough

I'm not smart enough

I'm not strong enough

I'm not feminine

I'm not masculine

What am I then

Why is this such a hard question

I'm not woman enough

I'm definitely not man enough

It feels like no one wants me to be a man

Every time I say something people freeze

I know its uncommon

And I know that I'm safe

But I don't feel like it'll be the fix all of all my issues

It's more of a clear gloss or

Foggy window to cover up my obvious scars

To my brain, I will never quite be enough

I hope one day that’ll change,

You can only hope for so long

And I don't have very much, to begin with

For now, I’ll substitute

I'll use my imagination

I'll keep quiet enough

That's the only thing I’ve ever been good at

Staying in the dark

Hiding the truth

I tell half-truths a lot

That's why they sound genuine most of the time

But that's just not quite it

I'm not genuine enough

I don't smile enough

I don't laugh enough

But when given the opportunity

If sober

I won't

I can’t

I overcorrect for feeling like a doormat

Now a concrete wall

Few are chipping away at me

I must be an interesting wall

I look good on the outside

The inside is a black gooey mess

Filled with guilt and pity and sorrows untold

My dirty little secrets.

[am-i-real1102]

Twisted land

I am worthless

I don’t even know who I am

But I know my flaws

Everyone did a good job pointing them out

One

By

One

I thought I’d grow out of the shame

But each word

Sentence

Fault

Blame

Tease

Like a seed

They all planted roots

And

it only grew with me

Im a forest of guilt

Pain

Sadness

A rainforest

When I die

Bury me in the roots of a rainforest

Let the body of twigs

And twisting vines return to where it belongs

A vast land

Lost amongst the others

[am-i-real1102]

—mindless—

I can't find a single way to describe what I feel

Especially right now

I feel sad now

Depressed a bit

Might be the alcohol from a couple of days ago

Or the weed I smoke every day

Or the meds I take

Or it's just me

Which is logically unlikely

But ya never know

I certainly dont

I feel like I have almost nothing to say to anyone

I have no words or interests

No questions

I don’t seem to care too much

I want people to think I care

And talking to people is so exhausting

Caring for people can be so exhausting

And draining, and I’ve already drained so many tanks

I don’t have much gas ever

And when I do

I use it up

And then it's gone

And I have to function without it

And you know what they say about operating on empty

I’ve been struggling with words for some time now

I dont know how to converse properly anymore

So many days I’m riddled with uncomfortable silence and I can't seem to break it

It pisses me off

My brain is so fast

It forgets about my existence a lot

Who I am

I don’t recognize myself

Almost ever

I do but I don’t know

Who am I

Every day feels so mindless sometimes

Days can be so dead

I feel so dead

But I’m there

So I have to do something

I don’t fucking know

I hate my body still

Kinda

I hate my boobs

They feel so useless

I can't wait for them to go

I’m so confused

[am-i-real1102]

I've been feeling very spacey recently

Very far away

And I've been struggling to recognize myself

I know I’m me

But I look different

I feel weird

I don’t feel real half the time

I don't know how these meds are going

I feel things

And then I feel nothing

I’ve been crying at weird times

Smoking is still fun

I don’t know what’s going on with me recently

I feel dull

Emptier than usual

But I feel fine most of the time

Still weird thoughts

Now that school is starting I want to start self-harming again

I don’t know

I never know

I don’t get it

I have very little to say to anyone these days

But my brain is chatty more than ever

[am-i-real1102]

—Stuck—

Paralyzed in a moment passing

Thoughts whirling around and down my body

Back into my head

Washing me over and over

The dread of moving kicks in

Muscles squeezing to stay put

But too tense, begging to do something

Restless

Bored

Eager

Tired

Too many things to do

The overwhelming guilt of staying put,

Only increases the longer I stay

But I can't move

Even if I really wanted to

It's easier that way

I’m more comfortable being annoyed at myself

Then to forgive me because

“That’s just what I do”

Excusing my lack of motivation

Enabling my inabilities

Ensuring that I listen to myself

Encouraging me to wrestle with myself

Over and over

Feeding into my favorite pass time

Shame

Shaming every move I make

Nagging every muscle fiber of my being

I hate myself so much I’ve learned to be complacent in my own self ruin

Enough to snake-oil every truth

Leaving me where I started

Stuck sitting staring off into the distance again.

[am-i-real1102]

On my last day

I want there to be sun

Not too hot

Just a tad bit cold

A beautiful breeze tickles the hair covering my skin

Pulling me as my body watches the world

I want to go on a walk

I’m not sure where yet

I want there to be a path that goes for miles

But meets back at the perfect moment where I’m tired enough to lie on the grass

Feeling each silky blade in my fists

As I pull throwing them into the air

As they fall unto me

Hugging me

Embracing me into the ground

I want ice cream and my favourite candy

I want everyone to know

Today is my last

I don't want a celebration

I just want to exist

One last day

I don't want a funeral

No mourning

I’ve cried all the tears anyone would need

I’ve felt all the dread

Needn’t worry

I will still be around