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God’s timing...
within hours of signing, we get an offer from project fu
within days of signing, i get a new job offer???
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I wanna go to God
I want to plead for a new job. To beg for an understanding heart in my parents. I want to ask
I feel like I cannot. I should not. Because I don’t go to God for anything else. Why “use” Him and go to Him when I want something as if He is a vending machine?
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Heart to heart
Jono was on the phone with Joyce. For an hour. During our dinner together. Trying to talk out why she VOLUNTARILY chose to skip ministry stuff. According to Jono, she was very firm on her side. That he expected too much of her. It’s not a big deal
He was discouraged. I told him it did suck bc she didn’t tell him ahead of time she wouldn’t be there..but I don’t disagree with skipping. I told him I would ask him to skip some things. He said he hasn’t missed a CCSA game for the past 17 years. It’s a ministry commitment. I get it...but I asked him to what cost? S.Crew friends have moved on without us. We have skipped his sisters bday dinner for random CCSA games...how are we to DEMONSTRATE God’s love to her, a non-believer, when we are so preoccupied going to church instead of BEING the church
He was upset. I thought because how I came across seemed accusatory that all he does is bad. I tried to clarify. But that wasn’t the issue
He said he does his best to make the ministry good. But non Christians go MIA. Leaders sleep in for meetings and feel like the ministry demands too much. He puts so much time into activity planning and when it comes to it, no one says a word. He tries to lead by example......but it doesn’t pay off and the leaders are miserable and he’s pushed his friends away and his gf hates him. I said that wasn’t the case, ofc
He went on to say it is hard to reach out to his old friends. They’re in a different life stage. And his siblings just left when he was young. They weren’t there for him. They don’t feel like his sibilings. His parents forget his bday. It makes it hard to care
He was in a mood I hadn’t really seen in a while. As we talked...he paused...and the tears started coming. He said, “sometimes it really doesn’t feel like my family loves me. And sometimes I feel like I have no friends. So what I do have is softball, so I put everything into it....but...” and he crumbled in my arms. It broke my heart but also grew it 2 sizes.
I love him. We had a good heart to heart afterwards. He is my soulmate
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1. You go on and on how nice it is to have a plus one at weddings yet will put in all your efforts to make plans the day I want you to be my plus one
2. This is just a blatant smack in the face how your softball wants are highest priority over my own feelings and plans
3. Do you think I am a fan of Brian? Do you remember how much it hurt when I couldn’t go snowboarding with you because of work?
4. You love hearing long apologies. And yet all you say is “I’m sorry” and “you said you weren’t mad”
I know relationships aren’t supposed to be about keeping score or what’s fair. But this is just too much
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Somethings gotta give
Can I be with someone who I constantly hurt?
Can I be with someone who constantly feels hurt by me?
Can I be with someone who gets offended by the tiniest things I would have never assumed?
I’m already a self-conscious and high strung person. This isn’t good for me
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Gaslighting
Someone on reddit used this term to describe what my mom does to me. At first I didn’t see it, now I do (that’s probably the nature of gaslighting anyways).
It’s messing with my head still and I can’t fully grasp it.
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Ironic
My mom is the one who warns me that people don’t really change. Yet every close person in my life has changed DRASTICALLY, for better or for worse...except her
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Idk if I’m dramatic in having this one incident push me over the edge. Tho in my defence it’s a pile up of incidents
I’m pissed at how much time this takes away from you. I’m feel so hurt and impotent that I scream and cry and flip out at how I hate how this takes away from us and you dismiss me and it’s all the same.
You say it will get better, but it just seems to take more
It’s piling on me and I can’t. I’m trying to be a team but I am so weary
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Lord, i am trying to interpret
last night me and jono had a tough conversation about our relationship. we want to move forward. we want to spend our lives together. but i don’t have a job. and my parents still don’t approve. i could not fathom paying for a house, nor a wedding, nor having my parents be okay with it, let alone any of these things happen simultaneously. we were both discouraged and upset and frustrated. we both prayed a lot
then today, at the randomest time (a saturday driving back from the border) - i got a call for a job interview. i had just been deleting my notes and saw the phrase “housing first” for another job. this helped me on the phone
God, what are you saying? is this a sign? obviously you will take care of us and provide. but is us being together in your will :( will the path be smooth...? sigh
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on july 11, 2018 - i told him he was my soulmate
i had a depressive episode. i thought i had gotten enough sun but i hadn’t. i should have seen it coming - my stomach felt messed up and i was snippy with people. i was feeling fine until i stepped into my house. it was really dark and i felt so down. i tried to watch my happy playlist but it just made me cry instead of when i wanted to laugh. i wanted to just shower and sleep - but i became horrified of my house. things seemed moved around and i thought someone had broken in and would attack me. i freaked out
i give jono an emoji when i’m feeling dark. it helps him to know if i’m unresponsive or whatever. i told him i didn’t know what was wrong - this usually happens in the winter. he came racing over even tho he was eating right next to his house. he held me while i cried and i asked him to tell me about his day
he gave me so much love and turned my mood right around. he embraced me in my unpredictable darkness. the love of my life
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february 25th, 2018
so i woke up at 5:30am
i couldn’t fall back asleep because i kept thinking about how michelle got a new job at pca. and i thought about school structures and wondered if pca had any christian counselor/guidance person on site. then i realized that i wanted to be a guidance counsellor, ideally at a christian school. i looked up the qualifications...it varies but it’s very doable
so in excitement i havent been able to go back to sleep LOL
i’ve been so inspired this morning for a potential new redeemed design, school, work, and fitness. man. these spurts of inspo lol
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I’m so in love with this man He loves me when I have nothing to offer but bad moods. He spoils me with time, love, care, driving, food, sentimental gifts, and his listening ears. We talk for hours and could go on thru the night. We’re on the same page for so many things, and it’s always relieving to discover more of those things..but never surprising. He faces every challenge with great stride and I feel like it only makes us stronger. I’m thankful we have supporters and mentors in our lives. I’m thankful we have each other. He makes love songs make sense Missing him so much this Christmas Day.
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Likely because I’m on my period, and because everything is still so fresh...
But man. Thinking of my mom laughing in my face. Thinking of the gossip from my own cousin and family. The misunderstanding, accusations, and tears. It hurts so much. It makes me dread telling others. Exactly what I feared came to life, but from the most unexpected people. Shame, judgment.
I get that he had caused me pain and that you don’t want me to get hurt again. but you also shutting me down and not listening gives me CURRENT pain when all of y’all are just concerned about theoretical/buried pain
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Yesterday I met his parents, brother, and Abby. I was so shy and nervous, even though they were all so nice to me and trying to make conversation.
I realized my insecurities were eating at me. I was afraid of conversation because I felt that if there was any asking about who I am/what I do, they would be disappointed. That I’m so young. That I’m not really in a career rn. That I still have to do more school. That I don’t speak Chinese.
Thankfully J was more than willing to deal with my needy-ness..how I kept saying, “please tell them I’ll be here so there’s not a ton of surprise”. He affirmed me and walked me out. Phew
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So much of what I thought about love and relationships is being challenged and changed. For example, I don’t think I’m materialistic, but I guess I always subconsciously thought that on bad days, ur SO would bring you something and it would be sweet.
But that’s not what’s happening now. They just offer me prayers and themselves and it’s enough. More than enough! Amazing
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