amar3tt0 - Tumblr blog

[amar3tt0]

even more molecules

[amar3tt0]

Well. Nothing to gain from this, and it's stuck with me forever. Might as well turn it into a national holiday. This parasite, when it acts up.

[amar3tt0]

Why did you lie to me so much? Who were you trying to be?

[amar3tt0]

I miss the idea of you.

...

I heard today that we don't really get rid of our problems, but have to keep doing mental exercises so they don't get worse. And I guess that's how it's going to be with you and me.

It's strange Fox, because I don't even have many memories left of you. Not many good memories. My teen years are feeling blurred and far away.

Ah

It's not strange, you're a weird quirk in my brain. It's the depression in my brain. The best my brain can do to understand the feeling, to sum it up, is to think of the horrible shit you did.

I keep thinking beating my head against this will solve something, that maybe if I create something beautiful from it it will solve itself. But there's nothing to take away from it. Because I honestly think there's something medically, physically wrong with me. There's no spiritual journey in that. No self-improvement I can do to fix it. It's just getting served another shit card from God.

I'm trying to get a psychiatrist to look at me. Because I burn through Prozac like its nothing. I don't think it's supposed to work like that.

I feel like meds are the only thing that helps. Once it wears off there's nothing I can do to fight it off.

I hope there's some testing I can do to fix this or figure out something.

[amar3tt0]

I feel like he's starting to split into two different people in my head. The person I wish he was and the person he actually is.

It's a good thing. I'm recognizing the person I wish he was is dead, or maybe he never existed.

I get angry at him sometimes and then remember, "He's long gone. He's dead. The person you're angry at isn't him. You can't bring him back from the dead with rage."

I'm screaming at a... I don't know what I'm screaming at.

But when I email him I'm talking to the husk he left behind.

I never heard of growing into someone worse. But I guess it happens.

Maybe now he's like one of those parasites, moving inside a body pretending to be alive.

I don't know what to do with the parasite.

[amar3tt0]

i was a bit awkward today

but what can you do

[amar3tt0]

27 now still the same story.

I'm 26 and I feel like I've avoided myself for a long time. And I still have a while to go before I can grow into myself.

[amar3tt0]

Dude I don't wanna go to work. I wanna read my little book about Chinese Buddhist mythology that should be coming in the mail today.

[amar3tt0]

[amar3tt0]

i don't care if you don't like me

im taking your fucking memes

[amar3tt0]

survived the therapy appointment

[amar3tt0]

ugh fucking shit im not tired at all

[amar3tt0]

Yep I'm tired.

[amar3tt0]

you tell me if fall's got anything on this

[amar3tt0]

I'm suicidal and depressed but I try my best not to think about it. There's a lot of things I want out of life but I think we're stuck in this reality. Unfortunately.

[amar3tt0]

If I can't find friends I'm just gonna invent them in my head.

[amar3tt0]

Winter is better than fall because it has the potential to kill me and that's kinda hot