ambersayshey

[ambersayshey]

Hydration Struggle

Tuesday all of my vitamins came in along with my nifty 64oz water bottle. I emailed my coordinator to verify that my vitamins were correct and I decided I was going to attempt to drink 64oz a day. Coordinator told me good job and I started my hydration journey on Wednesday.

Honestly 64oz is nothing when you really like drinking water, the hardest part for me is sipping and not chugging. Wednesday I did fantastic, I sipped all day and my bottle was empty by 3pm. Today I struggled. I got so caught up in my work that I didn't even think about the massive bottle sitting on my desk. I didn't empty the bottle until 8pm. I need to figure out a way to be more mindful without letting it control my day... Suggestion?

[ambersayshey]

Stuck in my head

I have this ability to talk myself out of just about anything... Especially things that scare me or that push me outside of my comfort zone. Usually what happens is I start asking myself questions. Do you need that? Can you do without that? What are you sacrificing to make this happen? Is the risk worth the reward? Are you sure this is what you want to do?

I follow this with focusing on the negatives or figuring out ways to make things work out the way they are without giving up the "comfort" I currently have. Sounds like a recipes for disaster right? Well it can be and it has been a few times. It causes me to neglect myself and has even helped me to overlook things that should have ended relationships.

The reason I bring this up is because lately I have been finding myself lost in my thoughts. I wonder if this surgery is really what I need to be doing and if I'm using the money wisely. Obviously I've done the research and know that this is what I feel is best for me but something keeps nagging at me. It sounds pretty stupid but I don't know how to be anything but a fat girl. I've been one my entire life and I'm worried I'm going to lose myself with the weight loss.

And yeah...

[ambersayshey]

The dreaded full body photo..

Oh Lawd! Full body photographs give me so much anxiety. I feel like I need to delete these and no one should be allowed to see them. Don’t get me wrong I am very comfortable with my whole 365lb self but as soon as I see a picture of me like these I automatically want to disappear. Its easy to forget how big you are when you can’t see yourself like everyone else can and it makes it even worse when you see photos where you are even bigger than the last one. 

Obviously this last year wasn’t kind to anyone but I feel like for me it was an end and a beginning. I got custody of my infant nephew in January 2020, my husband asked for a separation April 2020, I had to move out with an infant June 2020, realized that divorce was a real possibility for me July 2020, was hospitalized with COVID-19 August 2020...

While being hospitalized for COVID-19 they had to do all the normal nurse things like check blood pressure, run labs and check weight. I was a whole whopping 380lbs!!! That was the heaviest I’ve ever been and it scared me. How had I gotten that point? How hadn’t I noticed? I wasn’t just morbidly obese anymore I was MORBIDLY OBESE.... my body wasn’t taking in the oxygen it needed partially because of asthma and partially because my weight was too much on my lungs. It’s scary when your body is trying to fight something that is killing people by the hundreds everyday and that same body was a huge complication with recovering. 

That is what made me really consider weight loss surgery... that along with my fast growing nephew. I want to live, I want to be able to keep up with him and I don’t want my weight to hinder me from doing something as natural as breathing ever again. So here I am doing my best to write/type at least two lines a day as suggested by one of my WLS team members... either the coordinator, the dietician or possibly my surgeon. I feel like if I was seeing a therapist they would approve of this outlet. 

Until tomorrow...

[ambersayshey]

And it has been scheduled...

It’s official, they’ve put me on the calendar and now all I have to do is wait. Well not exactly... there is still so much I have to do before the surgery. I have to order vitamins, massive water bottles (64 oz), 4 oz containers for when I’m on the liquid and pureed stages and a handful of other things. There are still tests that have to done and labs that have to be run but so far it all looks like it is going to be fine. Along with all of that I have to be sure I have Dalton taken care of while I’m in the hospital. Wish me luck!