ambivilantlywritten

[ambivilantlywritten]

[ambivilantlywritten]

“You need to learn how to speak to people”

these words replay in my head daily. I didn’t know it at the time, but you were right. And after (a lot of) therapy, i understood what you meant. I didn’t then, and looking back it’s sad the way i was and my mindset on things. But you were right, i did need to learn how to speak to people. My pride and ego got in the way of being a genuinely nice person. Now much time later i’m repeating what you’ve said to me, to someone else. And i finally understand the magnitude of what you mean and how deep you have to hurt to say this to someone. I’ve learned how to speak to people finally, i’ve learned they don’t deserve your anger and venom no matter how blindsided with rage you are, people deserve respect and kindness, and you don’t speak to people you claim to love in a tone filled with hate. Your words are all you have, you don’t throw darts at people you care about.

-lessons i learned from you-

[ambivilantlywritten]

I was wrong, i did wrong, i live in the wrong. Nothing can take back my mistakes. I live everyday doing better, being better. You’d be proud of who i am. One day i hope to be old and gray and to show you. It should’ve happened sooner so you didn’t get wrecked in the middle of my selfishness. Full accountability weighs on my shoulders. I hope to have a decent civilized conversation about the course of my misconduct to you one day. I wish you well, and hope you happiness in abundance. I’m forever grateful for you and forever rooting for your happiness even if that means seeing me six feet under and a million miles away.

[ambivilantlywritten]

i know what i deserve , i know it’s not this. I also know you could’ve been, you just didn’t care enough

[ambivilantlywritten]

the past haunts me behind glass and yet i bow away. Regretfully so, you cannot change how you look to others, what once was is no longer. What once was the monster is no longer, however, everyone who saw you as so, will always see you as so. Make peace with the fact that you can’t change how they see you, and continue moving forward. Never make the same mistakes

a letter to me

[ambivilantlywritten]

if there’s anything i’ve learned in the last year it’s that everyone’s a fucking liar and my ex was right about everything.

[ambivilantlywritten]

(x)

[ambivilantlywritten]

[ambivilantlywritten]

oddly enough the pain of watching you with someone else has subsided and replaced itself with the pain of your emotional absence. It does not pain me to not be lovers, it pains me to not be friends. I leave you alone because at the end of the day i would rather not disturb your peace and true happiness, than to create my own. Your happiness was all i ever wanted, it never took me long to realize i couldn’t have ever made you happy , no matter what i did or how i tried. It was never me for you. When did you realize the same? You said you thought of her the whole time, maybe not consciously, but you did. So did you know? Did you know the entire time that i was never going to make you happy? I always thought you were the one despite everything , you claimed the same but now that people and feelings have changed, i bet you’d say differently. That it’s always been her, it always was her, and that you agree with me. I was never the one for you, no matter how bad i wanted to.

[ambivilantlywritten]

[ambivilantlywritten]

Garden State (2004)

[ambivilantlywritten]

when does the missing you cease ?

when does the intoxicated with sleep version of me stop searching for the person on the right side of the bed?

when do i stop parking on the right side, leaving room for a car that won’t return?

when do the flashbacks go away?

when did it all stop for you, tell me your secret to not missing me, to not thinking of me, to no longer be the first person you run to.

when does one get over you?

[ambivilantlywritten]

i’m so lonely, this bed is too big for one, and my head is too loud for me

[ambivilantlywritten]

i feel as if i am sobbing in a crowd of people and no one can see

[ambivilantlywritten]

#gilmore girls but make it 2020

[ambivilantlywritten]

it seems as if i am drowning and nothing i do is enough

i try my hardest to prove everyday that i am changed and better

and that you are loved and the only one my eyes see

i try and show i am growing into the age i am supposed to be

doing things i’ve never learned to do

cleaning messes i’ve made and ones i’ve not

just for you, just to receive an ounce of acknowledgment that you see the change

you see the better

but still, the same comments, the same bare reaction

will anything be enough

[ambivilantlywritten]

i have lost my first love and my heart is aching

i lay here in tears

pulling my hair with frustration

willing to walk into rain to scream

and ask the moon

how can i get it back

how can i get it back

i’d tear myself apart to find a fraction of the talent

that once laid so perfectly

between my mind and right hand