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Your Trauma May Be The Reason You Suck at Relationships

                                        Written by Alicia Santos                                      Last Updated April 25, 2022

Have you suffered trauma during childhood and is it still affecting you to this day?

Starting out with the hard-hitting questions are difficult, but sometimes necessary. Though trauma during childhood will certainly affect most in different ways, a large portion of these unfortunate individuals find trouble within relationships as they age.

You may ask "well if I was traumatized by my parents during childhood, why and how does that affect my adult relationships?"

All relationships, whether parent-child, platonic, romantic, etc. are still relationships. Issues with one may influence issues with another. For now, lets focus on emotional abuse/trauma. Emotional abuse in youth can and will have a larger impact on an adult’s ability to navigate in relationships throughout life. Jürgen Fuchsuber, a doctorate student based in Vienna, Austria, states, "...the relationship between emotional dysfunctioning and childhood trauma might be the result of dysfunctional internalization processes related to traumatic early object relations, which lead to deficits in personality organization and insecure attachment patterns in the adult mental apparatus (9, 24)” In short, emotional abuse during childhood is likely to cause dysfunction that will bleed into your adulthood.

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So What ARE Attachment Styles?

Taking a deeper dive into this topic, you may have heard of the terms 'attachment theory' or 'attachment styles.' Here's a brief run-down of the major attachment styles, even though there are subcategories (For a more in-depth look, consider visiting the previous link).You will most likely fit into one of these main categories, even if you don't realize it.

Secure; Defined by individuals who have little to no struggle in finding/maintaining long term relationships. They are generally 'secure' in their relationships and have less issues when it comes to trust.

Avoidant; Defined by individuals who tend to be more independent and avoid relying on others for emotional validation. They generally have a more difficult time trusting others.

Anxious; Defined by individuals who fear rejection and/or abandonment. They are more distrusting and have a difficult time being independent.

Disorganized; Defined by individuals with extreme distrust in relationships. These individuals are considerably more anxious, codependent, and commonly appear both overly-clingy and distant.

With this info in mind and a bit more research, you should be able to figure out your own attachment style. Be aware that it is common for individuals to fit into multiple styles, not everybody is necessarily defined by just one! 

How does this all relate to emotional abuse and childhood trauma?

Attachment styles, in a large number of cases, have a direct correlation to trauma. An individual may have a secure attachment style but endure some sort of trauma within a relationship, which may alter their style as well as their ability to trust others. Lets focus back on children though. The following article discusses the addition of personality disorders along with trauma, though it is still relevant. The author, Eva Neumann connects childhood trauma to adult attachment styles, most of which are likely be ‘negative.’

This ‘negativity’ is seen in avoidant, anxious, and disorganized styles. If you happen to have one of these, do not give up on all relationships! While a secure style is most favorable and ‘easy to deal with,’ people live with these attachment styles every day and are able to form healthy bonds.

Children who vied for their parents attention may be prone to avoidant and anxious styles. Children who may have had a rocky relationship with their parents overall may develop a disorganized style. Of course, none of this is a guarantee and should be taken with a pinch of salt. Everybody is different, meaning nobody has the same brain chemistry nor upbringing. Children are able to develop a secure style, even if they did go through trauma, though it is less likely. 

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Wrapping everything up!

So you've researched attachment styles, discovered yours, and realized your traumatic childhood is most likely affecting you today. Is there a way to solve this or revert back to a healthier style?  Individuals are usually able to grow and work through it on their own time, but some find it difficult or upsetting if they have trouble with forming and maintaining new healthy relationships. If you have trouble with romantic relationships, it may be helpful to just find the 'right person.' Individuals who may have suffered trauma, including you, can develop healthier tendencies and relearn how to trust and love. There are other options including therapy but understanding your attachment style may help you take the first step on the road to healing and recovery.