ameliahiatt

[ameliahiatt]

It was sweet, the thought of Metzli having a kitten to take care of. A cat seemed like a suitable pet for them, and they had always been more Molly's style, too. Dogs had too much energy, though she also had a soft spot for them.

Molly loved growing up with a cat in the house. There was always someone else home, someone to talk to and share secrets with. Chip was the first little soul that knew about Molly's first crush and kiss, her hopes and dreams. Chip knew before Grace, and definitely way before their mother knew. Just the thought brought a smile to her face. She missed having a pet around.

And that smile grew a little wider hearing Metzli again. Girlfriend. She hadn't been called that in twenty years. "Girlfriend.." she repeats quietly, smiling with her teeth now. A soft blush blooms across her cheeks. They had been seeing each other for a little while now so the giddy feeling wasn't new, it was just a good kind of different hearing it said aloud. "I am your girlfriend," she says, looking down at them and stroking her thumb gently across their forehead, "And I will definitely come over and bug the cat, and you." Molly knew it was going to be a long road, but right now it felt really nice and she wanted to hold tight to that feeling for as long as she could.

"Yeah, just gotta wait for him to get a little order before I can bring him in." There are some doubts that they'll do a good job, that in their own self neglect, they'll manage to do the same to the kitten.

The only thing keeping Metzli from backing out is their inherent ability to do things for others even when they couldn't do it for themself. To help alleviate some of the anxiety, they already created a routine reminder that they'll activate once the kitten arrives. With Molly on their side too, Metzli feels secure that the newest addition will be perfectly okay.

"Chip," Metzli parrots the name with a small smile, eyes half lidded now that their body is sinking. "That's really cute." They feel a little sad that Molly didn't get the chance to have another pet, but they wonder perhaps because they're officially together now if that means she can be something to the kitten too. If she wants to be, of course.

"Well, you're my girlfriend, yeah?" Metzli's smile grows bigger, "If you wanna come over to bug the cat, feel free. He's gonna have to know you too."

[ameliahiatt]

“But who would’ve known that the falling would come to an end”

[ameliahiatt]

Molly had remembered seeing something about the kittens. She wanted one herself but figured an older animal might be more her speed as she jumped back into pet ownership.

Kittens, or any baby animals really, reminded her of human babies and they were a huge responsibility that kind of freaked Molly out if she thought too much about it. And the thought sat like a boulder in the pit of her stomach but it distracted her from the ache in her heart so could she really complain?

But she smiles as Metzli describes the situation and first meeting. "Oh," her free hand comes to her heart as she imagines the sight - the kitten snuggling close to Metzli. It's so sweet she might cry. "Animals react well to people they sense they can trust." She says quietly, allowing Metzli to take her free hand and hug it against their chest. Molly can't help but notice that they're holding on to her tightly, probably to ground themselves, and she makes note of this moment for future reference.

"I like both names, they're sweet." Either would be perfect from the sound of it. "I think that's the joy of pet names, they can be as cheesy or as classic as you want them to be. And they somehow always seem to fit the animal well. So I'm sure you'll know when you see him next." At least that's how it worked for her.

"Yeah, we had a cat, my sister and I," she clarifies, "Her name was Chip. Grace was obsessed with Beauty and the Beast and the kitten was all black with a little chip of white on one of her ears and Grace said she looked like the teacup from the movie." Molly's laughing at the memory now. She missed that sweet baby. "We had her for eighteen years. My parents keep talking about adopting another but haven't gone for it yet. So she was it for me. Roger's allergic to everything so we didn't have any pets." He couldn't help it so she tried to not to hold it against him.

"Yeah," Metzli replies with a smile and a nod, hand dropping back down to lay on their stomach. "I met a bunch of them not too long ago. Hiro found them and decided to take care of them, but he can't keep them. There was a post in the bulletin about it." They shrug, continuing to explain. "When I went over there, there was one kitten that just went straight for my hair. He ended up falling asleep up there while Hiro vetted me a bit."

Their languid smile curls just a bit more at the memory. That was a nice day, overall. The two of them even had a friendly match during the festival. Metzli doesn't make friends easily, so to find someone quick to take on their competitive side was nothing short of a miracle. That was a nice day, too. Turns out the town is a beacon for them, if Metzli's experiences are any indication.

While they comfortably lay their head on Molly's lap, Metzli takes ahold of her free hand and sandwiches it between theirs. They rest them all comfortably on their chest, feeling further grounded by the pleasant pressure. At times like this, it's important for Metzli to feel real and like they're not floating away. So they made their own paperweight and kept themself steady enough to answer Molly's question with ease.

"For names, I'm thinking Nutmeg or Shadow. The cat is a dark grey tabby, so it feels like either fits." Metzli chuckles, "He's spicy and a little dark." A shrug, "It's probably a little cheesy, but I don't know. Never named a pet before." Looking at Molly, Metzli raises a brow, "What about you? Ever had pets?"

[ameliahiatt]

"You're getting a cat?" Molly's eyes light up like a kid on Christmas morning. "Oh, that's wonderful, Metzli!" She's fighting the urge to tangle her fingers with their curls. Molly's smiling a little brighter at the idea of them having a little kitten running around the apartment shortly. She's sure it'll brighten things up a bit for them and they deserve that.

Her family had a cat growing up and Molly thought she was the best animal in the world. They never had dogs, though they had other family who did. Molly grew up with animals until she moved in with Roger. Her and Roger never had pets - he seemed to be allergic to all animals. Molly had considered adopting one after moving to the Springs but hadn't gotten around to it.

She watches Metzli's expression carefully as they lay in her lap, though she's careful not to stare. Though she absolutely does not regret coming over one bit, a tiny part of her still feels bad for disrupting their peace earlier this afternoon. But the touch of their skin to her own helps that anxiety melt away. "And I'll do my best to do the same for you, I promise." She knows Metzli means it. She adds, "And for your new kitten. Do you have any names in mind?"

It's nice to see Molly grow into her newfound confidence. While it wavers at times, it never quite dissipates as she fears it might. It's something that's always been inside of her. She just needed the right push to find it and then the right environment to grow it. Metzli is only vaguely a part of that journey now, but they're grateful nonetheless.

"I'm actually getting a cat." Metzli chirps, relaxing further and humming happily with Molly's hand in their hair. The simplest pleasures really got to them, and Molly doesn't seem to mind to offer them. Metzli makes a note to make sure later, not wanting to inadvertently take advantage.

"Hiro has some kittens and once they're old enough, I'm taking one." One of the spare bedrooms they have is currently filled with cat toys and furniture, including a giant tree and a few shelves for the feline to traverse around. It's the most put together room in the entire place. "Have never had a pet, but I've been doing tons of research. Therapist said it would be good for me, so hopefully she's right."

As they're listening to Molly talk about whag she's been working on herself, Metzli smiles and cups her cheek. "Good." They take a deep breath, expression falling briefly while the sensation of falling twisted their stomach. When they collect themself, they keep brushing their thumb over Molly's skin, finding the sensation of warmth grounding. "You deserve to be taken care of. By your own self and by others. I promise I'll do my best to do that for you. I like when you got what you need."

[ameliahiatt]

Molly's smiling and soaking in everything they're saying. Sure, she had heard things like "You're so strong," "You've got a good head on your shoulders," or her personal favorite growing up, "You're so mature for your age." No one had ever phrased it the way Metzli just had. Molly's facial features shift as they go on, from a delicate smile of a woman who's listening to harder lines of a woman who's hearing about a version of herself she hasn't thought about before. She shifts on the couch to give them enough room to lie down.

If anyone else had seen Molly this way, she wouldn't know. But Metzli doesn't strike her as the kind of person who would lie, and definitely not to Molly. She looks down at them as they've settled, head tilted slightly. She moves a hand to rest it around the top of their head.

As they compare her to a cat she can't help but chuckle. "Thanks... I've always been a big fan of cats because of their energy." she says, "I guess I do tend to jump in and take care of people or problems." Sometimes to a fault.

And she'd promised she would try to not let herself get so caught up in helping others that she'd forget about herself again. Molly didn't foresee that being an issue with Metzli around. Unlike her previous partner, they were well aware of a world where everything wasn't picture perfect and that putting your basic needs first didn't make you weak. "I'm actually working on getting better at balancing taking care of myself while also fulfilling my desire to help others. I sort of let my needs get away for a long time prior to my move here."

Metzli is confused at first when Molly tries to apologize for laughing, but then they realize how easy it is to get lost in the tone of things. Trauma is funny that way. You can fold under it just as easily as you can mold it into a joke.

Molly and Metzli are still learning each other, but it looks like she just needs to explain for her sake. They don't mind, and they let her, tangling their fingers with hers. "Don't worry. I'll let you know if something actually bothers me." They kiss the back of her hand, brushing their thumb in circles in the same place, still smiling and with their eyes trained on the spot too.

"Of course I have faith in you. Hell hath no fury than a woman fighting for people she cares about." And they mean it. You can't fake that kind of look you get when fury meets a protective nature. Metzli has seen it multiple times from Molly, specifically aimed at them when the topic of their past came up. Eyes don't lie, and of course, Molly doesn't either, on principle. Combine those, and you can trust that she'll be there no matter the circumstance.

Moving again, Metzli finagles their way to laying down so they can lay their head on Molly's lap to listen. With the meds taken, there's no telling if they'd get drowzy or jump off the walls again. Metzli figures if they're laying down, all bases will be covered.

"Hey," They smile up at Molly, nudging her slightly. "Passion is pretty close to grit and having a strong head. Honestly, I think they're the same. You probably jusy have different approaches. Like..." Metzli thinks for a moment, feeling like a lightbulb pops above their head when they say, "Like she probably takes it on like a bull while you go in with the energy of a careful cat. You ever seen them take care of their kittens? Or even their friends?" Metzli gets a bit animated at this point, happy to use the information they spent hours reading in preparation for the kitten. "They can be so sweet and careful, then go feral on some assholes trying to hurt someone in their unit.

[ameliahiatt]

Molly's cheeks redden at Metzli's comment about kidding. Molly didn't take everything literally, and she loved a good joke or moment to kid, but there were times when she was a little off from the cue and went on as if it were a real question and this was one of those moments.

And their follow up mention of her going to jail makes her laugh. They had a lot of faith in her, apparently, and that was nice. She would go down swinging for Metzli. Molly was as loyal as they came. She was a ride or die friend. It was in her nature to get to know people, and once you disclosed something truly real or personal, she was locked in. There was a part of her that felt really good about Metzli seeing that.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to laugh at not being able to meet your family. It wasn't that," God, that part gutted her. "It was the latter addition." She explained, and they probably knew that, but Molly went on. "You have faith in me, though. That's nice to see." she adds with a flirtatious grin, attempting to continue to lighten the mood. As she speaks she nudges them playfully with her shoulder before sinking back against the couch one more. She couldn't think of a single person who had ever considered her to go down for them in a fight - not even Roger. He'd expect her to fold.

And as they joke about Grace the grin sticks. "I mean, I wouldn't put it past her. If anyone could figure out how to teleport it would be her. I have passion but she's got grit and a strong head on her shoulders, one that doesn't hold her back." Grace had thought about coming with Molly upon her move, but in the end the sisters had agreed that in addition to Molly needing the space to recover, someone needed to stay behind with their parents. "I really do think she'll like you. And not just because you're nice to me. She's a big fan of someone who's honest, and loyal, not only to others but to themselves."

Taking the water and the medication, Metzli pulls out what they need and has a few hefty gulps of water. They practically down the entire bottle from it being full, and they sigh with relief at how satisfying it is to sate their thirst. "Thank you," Metzli gives Molly a quick peck to the cheek then settles back into their couch.

Exhaustion is draping over Metzli heavily, but they do their best to offer Molly a smile that doesn't show it. They ultimately fail, curling a little into themself while their question sends Molly into a ramble. It's a fortunate habit of hers, and they're smiling much more genuinely the longer she talks. As if her voice is shaping a kinder reality than the muddy one threatening to paint over Metzli completely.

"I was mostly kidding, but happy to see it's on the table." Their smile falters slightly at the thought of not having the circumstances to return the favor, but it's for the best anyway. "Would be sorry you can't meet my folks, but I think a fight would break out, and I don't feel like breaking you out of jail." Metzli laughs wryly, quirking a brow and raising their head at the mention of Grace.

It feels crazy that someone would have good things to say about them to a sibling, but it also feels amazing. Metzli sits up a little, excited at the prospect that they have some sort of meaning. As pathetic as that sounds. "Oh yeah? Is she gonna be here any second?"

[ameliahiatt]

Posing with Lands End Tote Bag in Los Angeles, California - May 14, 2025

[ameliahiatt]

Molly's never been more happy that the feeling is mutual. When they kiss, she leans into them, hands resting on their shoulders. She inhales slowly as they pull away and lean their forehead against hers. Even as they recollect themselves, Molly feels as if she's able to rest. For the last couple of years she's put herself in a box and now she's realizing she's outgrown it. She was sure she'd be a 40 something miserable ex-wife just pretending everything was okay.

She was only 40 so she figured that was still possible but in this moment she can't see herself anywhere without Metzli. They really do give her hope.

"It's okay," She says softly, eyes closed for a moment. When she opens them again they're speaking, calling her their first bit of color. It's funny because she feels the same, though she'd describe them as wildflowers blooming under a bright sun, an area once permanently shaded by clouds. They've passed, and though she knows she'll have to stand in more storms, right now it's nice to just be. She's about to say so, but their question stops her.

When they as for her to get their meds she opens her eyes and nods, pulling back and reaching for the bottle and their water. "Absolutely." She says, and she passes the medication first and then water bottle.

If she had water herself at the moment she'd be choking on it at their next question. That was... honestly completely unexpected on Molly's part. "Oh?" She says, and she looks down for just a moment, blushing again. "Well, I mean..." Now she's stumbling over her words as she's glancing between her lap and them. "My sister is dying to come here." Grace had been asking since she settled and Molly told her she'd invite her eventually but she wanted to settle into town on her own, without the help of family. "She'd be the only one I'd let you meet right now. I love my parents but I just..." Her voice trails off, eyes lingering on one of the holes in her jeans.. They were devastated when Roger broke her heart, mostly because they loved him, Molly's dad especially. They wanted her to try to reconcile. They were going to be a lot. "I'll spare you from having to meet them anytime soon."

Finally, as if climbing out of a miniature sinkhole herself, she looks back at them. "I actually might've hinted to my sister that I had met someone when we were on the phone a few days ago," she smiles. It was a fun conversation. "If she could've stepped through the phone she would've. And she would've been the one barging over unannounced."

"Us. I like that. A lot."Metzli is smiling, eyes with a little more shine than before, and their shoulders relaxing. They feel content, for the moment, the fog dissipating long enough to allow them a short reprieve.

In it, Metzli leans forward and kisses Molly, cupping her cheeks. At first they don't completey pull away, instead resting their forehead against Molly while they soak in the feeling. They finally belong, but in the next moment, their energy drops completely. Their brows furrow, and their shoulders droop.

"Sorry," Metzli mumbles, flexing and releasing their fists in an attempt to feel their nerves— to feel real. "It'll pass, I think."

Sometimes they're lucky and they can rest while the real fog comes in, but right now, it's impossible to resist staying with Molly. The two of them just took a step together and their brain decides that's the moment it wants to shit itself? "You're the first bit of color I've had. Even now, I can see it." They just can't feel it as much as they want to. Metzli is frustrated, but they don't show it. They just try their best to give Molly a chance at normalcy.

"Can you, um," They point a pill bottle on the cardboard coffee table, "Can you hand me those meds and my water bottle? Feel really out of it." Metzli manages a small smile through their request, offering a segue that they hope will keep the tension light. "When does the meeting the family stage happen?"

[ameliahiatt]

Molly could heavily relate. She hardly ever asked for anything either. A recurring comment she heard growing up was how easy she was to please or her personal favorite, how she'd "want for nothing." Which, wasn't true, she wanted things, she just never thought much was worth to ask. Or, she didn't want to bother anyone with her requests. Plus, she got by well enough with her family.

As Metzli sits up Molly looks at them, taking in the sight of their features. Their eyes are puffy and face lacks color, but they're sitting up and looking at her and that alone is a feat.

Her heart flutters as they speak, expressing their desire. Selfishly, she's beaming on the inside - it was the answer she was hoping for. Her smile turns up at bit at the corners of her mouth, light coming back to her eyes. "I do want that." She says again.

Molly understood. Though boundaries were assumed, her and Roger had never really had a conversation about them and what they needed. She figured when you knew someone so intimately since your teenage years they didn't matter - that ended up not being true at all but that also didn't matter now. Now, Molly had a chance to start something new, something better. Her face burns hot as they go on, repeating her words. Us had a nice ring to it. "Yeah," Her smile is wider now, teeth showing. "Day by day we'll be together, as an us." Suddenly, she feels those butterflies in her stomach, like she's on their first date all over again. "And that makes me happy. And a lot of other emotions, too... But right now, mostly happy. It's really nice." Her eyes fall to her lap for a moment as she's feeling nervous again but after a second her gaze is locked back on theirs. "I meant what I said, earlier. You running into me changed everything."

"I don't think there's anything you can ask of me that I wouldn't want to do." Metzli admits softly with a smile. Though Molly can't see it due their face being hidden away in the crook of her neck, it's easily heard in the shift of their voice.

"But I'll never do the same either. Honestly, I hardly ask for anything at all." There's never really been a need to. When it comes to their life, even as a child, Metzli has always fended for themself. At least when they were able to finally walk. After that, Metzli was off. At fifteen, the fending got a whole lot harder, but they like to think they managed that really well.

Taking a deep breath, Metzli slowly pulls away and sits upright, looking a little worse for wear. They were content resting on Molly, but what they have to say feels like they should be face to face. "I want to take the chance if you want to." Metzli clears their throat, taking another deep breath. "And the boundaries are good. I appreciate that." Boundaries weren't really a thing in the Bernal household, no matter how badly Metzli wished for them.

"If I think of any, I'll let you know, but as of right now I just...head is a little foggy. Energy is dying really fast." They shake their head, scrubbing their eyes and grumbling. The fog always feels the worst. Like you know the danger is coming but you're helpless to stop it. All they can do is ease into the drop. And now they can do it with Molly. "So...day by day, you'll be with me?" They smile in a thin line, awkwardly trying to be cute about the new development. "And I'll...be with you? We'll be an us?"

[ameliahiatt]

It feels like clouds floating away to reveal sunny skies and a light breeze after a late summer rain storm as Metzli looks at her, tossing the pillow to the side. "It's okay." She says softly as they lean their head against her shoulder.

She brings her hand to the back of their neck again. "You haven't really had someone to push out, at least no one as stubborn as me." She chuckles softly, her own head now leaning against theirs. "I don't want you to do something you don't want to do, I'll never ask that of you." Molly knew herself there was a big difference in doing something against your will versus doing something that scared you but in the end you wanted to do it.

Things were not going to be easy for either of them, Molly knew that. In Molly's family you talked about some things and it all felt very warm and fuzzy, and you bottled up other things - admittedly they probably bottled up what should've been talked about but that was part of what her therapist was for. Molly hadn't spent much time locked away in a room in a spiral, she couldn't really relate. Instead, she distracted herself to a point of forgetting about the sadness for a while, or more like pretending it didn't exist. That wasn't healthy either. She just hid it pretty well. If she tried to keep to herself at home her mother would ask questions. If she tried to do the same with Roger he'd indulge and stay in bed with her for a while but there were comments made. Molly didn't think much about it at the time but he claimed to not understand depression. "What a nice way to live." She'd think.

Finally, a soft smile returns to her lips as she continues to lean against them. "So, do we do it? Give us a chance? It's just day by day, it's not like we're committing the rest of our lives to one another." Truthfully, that conversation would send Molly into a panic attack right now. "We can set boundaries as we go, if needed. Like, personally, I won't show up unannounced again. I think that might be a good place to start." She offers, "Not because of this or you, or anything," She's referring to the last half hour, "Just because it'll make me feel better."

Without realizing it, Metzli sighs and leans into Molly's touch. The warmth blooms from their cheek and travels down to their chest. They feel like they can breathe again despite the boulder still pressing down on their ribs.

"It's..." Metzli shakes their head, "It's a little different than that. Well," They shrug, "Unless the low is so unmanageable that you can't get out of bed." There was a time that Metzli didn't eat for days, only getting out of bed to relieve themself before going back to the nest they made themself.

"It's really ugly and can get very frustrating. I don't feel...anything. Nothing. Just so empty and...not here. Basically, I'm not me." Metzli is still unpacking everything and until their evaluation is done with both of t heir doctors, they're not sure what medication will truly work. For the time being, Metzli is taking a few things, but nothing has truly worked as of yet.

Metzli is still broken, and they have a lot of work to do, but a weak smile still somehow forms slowly on their face when Molly offers to fall into the pit with them. She sees a way out, even before she takes a willing step in. She's scared and doesn't know what will happen, and yet, she stands firm. Metzli is learning very quickly how stubborn she can be, in the best way. She can't help it. She has too big of a heart. It's why she willingly throws herself into her work, into people. Passion drives her just as much as hope. Ironic that she is a beacon for it. Bright enough to cast Metzli in its warmth. "Yeah," They say tiredly, "A chance."

Taking a deep breath, Metzli lets go of the pillow and tosses it aside so they can scoot closer to Molly. "I'm sorry." They take her hand from their cheek and rest their head on her shoulder, sighing. "For trying to push you out." They swallow thickly, shoulders sagging. "I wasn't being fair, and you know, you're right. We're both adults and it'd be fucked up and childish if I took your chance away. If we both want this, then that's it. We take a chance."

[ameliahiatt]

Molly wants to scream at the knowledge that they somehow think they ruined their own childhood. She knew too many people who had this mindset, reality clouded by being raised by people who didn't understand what it meant to raise children. Not that Molly's parents could write the tutorial, they had their moments, but she knew she was loved. She'd spend the rest of her life trying to share that love with others.

What she wasn't saying was how thoroughly she was convinced that she had ruined her marriage so how on earth could she successfully navigate something new.

The word relationship echoes in her mind, the letters bouncing off cavernous walls. The thought of hurting Metzli gutted her and she couldn't promise that she wouldn't. No, something Molly had learned from her marriage was that people didn't plan to hurt each other. Roger had shattered her but she wasn't exactly blameless herself. It was complicated and messy but wasn't everything? Wasn't that just life? You just find the right people to fuck things up with? And heal and figure the rest out together.

"Relationship." She says, nodding slowly. "We don't have to call it anything - we can if we want, but yeah." She exhales, a heavy weight releasing from her shoulders. "I want you." Her voice is steady and a hand reaches back and rests against their cheek, her thumb wiping away some of their tears. "I have lows, too." Molly didn't even know what all of hers looked like yet. "I'm still figuring out a lot. It turns out, when you spend twenty years with someone and don't realize how not great things are at the time, you're left with a lot to unpack." Her marriage had been way more complicated than she had realized.

"We both have baggage, and skeletons in closets." Her own eyes scan over the space around them. It's pristine. And combing through their current work? She only hoped she could see some of it someday. She wanted to learn every detail about them - every quirk, every fear, every dream, too. She wanted to lay eyes on the way their pen moved when they drew, learn their preferred stroke of a brush, what colors they favored. Metzli seemed to think they were some deep, dark hole of despair but Molly didn't see that at all. She saw someone worth knowing. To her, they were a beautiful, messy, and intricate work of art. "Let me crash with you in those lows. Let me hold your hand and climb out of the pit with you." She finally speaks again, "We're both adults, we might not know what we're doing. But we should give ourselves a chance."

Metzli wants to believe what Molly is saying and relent, but what they see as the truth gnaws at the foundation of their upbringing. How can everything they were taught be wrong? They wrack their brain trying to find some sort of argument, but they come up short. Partly because they can't find one, and partly because they didn't want to.

"I ruined my chance at family. I ruined...everything. I don't want to ruin this." They just want to lean into Molly, but they refrain for a few moments. Eventually though, Metzli caves and leans into Molly's touch.

Quietly, Metzli continues to cry, and they sink into the reality that maybe they don't have to do this alone. That maybe everyone needs a little fixing, some more than others. That maybe it's okay to be a little broken because you can make art with the pieces.

"You...feel hope? With me?" Metzli looks baffled, brows furrowing and eyes blinking rapidly while they take a few beats to process. Though there's little time to since Molly continues to speak her mind and act.

When she wraps herself around Metzli, they almost crumble and fold against their better judgement. They can't possibly be good for Molly, can they? She has no reason to lie. If they are putting all their faults on display and she is still offering them refuge, then how bad can they really be? If Molly is speaking of relationships as if she is looking for one with Metzli, are they really worthless? Because for someone with so much value to tie themself to anyone, that person has to be special and hold some sort of meaning whether they know it or not.

"Relationship?" Metzli says, finally. They search Molly's eyes, tearing their gaze away briefly to look at the room surrounding them. Everything is laid bare for Molly to see, and yet she remains resolute. Certain.

"I-I...I have really low lows." They warn, swallowing thickly and breathing in a stutter. "One is coming, I think. They always do after really good highs." Which every moment with Molly had been. "Do you really want this? It's a..." Metzli is interrupted by a hiccup, but they continue. "It's a lot. Thought I had more time to figure out how to stop it, but I didn't expect every part of you to make me feel like I'm flying." Gesturing vaguely to the house, Metzli looks shamefully away. "That's why the house is so clean. I've spent the last few days combing through my current work and then scrubbed every inch with a toothbrush in between edits. Then...I just crashed on the couch."

[ameliahiatt]

In spite of both of their efforts to wipe her tears away they just keep coming. Molly's sniffling and shaking her head in response to their comments about her deserving better. "You are worth my while, you have been since we met." She brings the sleeve of her blouse to her face and gently blots a few tears away. "I wish I could take the way that I see you and bottle it up for you to experience. You're way better than you give yourself credit for."

Roger would've gotten up and left the room by now. Not the Roger she met and fell in love with in high school but the thirty-something Roger? He stopped listening when she needed him most. He wasted her time. In moments of real anger Molly would say that he stole a good eight years from her in the end, give or take. She was just too in love to notice, too caught up in trying to be the perfect wife. Not to mention caught up in grief over a growing family that never made it out of the idea stages, and trying to make peace with that.

For a moment she's smiling flatly at them and offering a short, quiet laugh through the tears in response to their own chuckle. "You're not wasting my time." It hurts to hear they think so. Them listening and really hearing her was such a big deal. Was the bar that low for Molly? Sure, but with the ways that Metzli had already taken care of her in their short time together Molly was confident that they were well above the bare minimum.

"And stop talking like you're the only one that needs fixing. I'm inviting myself to that pity party because there's no way I'm letting you throw that by yourself." She's looking at them again with a look that's unwavering now. A year ago she probably would've picked up her purse and walked out after giving a little tearful agreement and goodbye. But now? There's no way. Walk out and be miserable and wonder what if? Molly was 40 now, she didn't have time to hold back.

"Maybe I'm selfish, too." Because she didn't want to leave, not at all. "Because if anyone's going to waste my time, I want it to be you. Though trust me, again, you're not doing that. I haven't felt hope in a long time or excited to see someone. I giggled the other day when you texted me. I don't do that when someone is wasting my time." The tears have stopped flowing now, leaving behind red rimmed eyes and eyeliner with a tiny smudge on the corner where she used her sleeve as a tissue. She pulls herself close to them, nearly crawling into their lap, her arms wrapping around their neck. "So let's just exist, together, as us right now. I tried to plan my perfect relationship and it ended pretty fucking poorly," she shrugs, leaning in, her face now inches away from theirs. "Let's focus on the now and be messy. If we wait and try to control how it goes, or ends, we'll never know. And we haven't known each other very long but honestly, I don't want to not know."

They want to ask Molly to leave. Not because they want to get rid of her or because she's done anything wrong. But because she is saying all the right things. All the things Metzli wished someone would say, night after night, argument after argument. They want to save her from them and every possibility that they might hurt her.

Somehow, some way, Metzli is sure it's going to happen. They managed to destroy their chance at a decent childhood, and there is no doubt in their mind that they're going to do the same to a chance at a relationship. Metzli can see it's unraveling now. Can see the way they’ve made Molly cry. What will she do when that's the norm? Metzli isn't Roger, but in that moment they feel a lot like they could be.

"I'm sorry." Metzli says, for what feels like the hundredth time. "I'm so sorry." They repeat, reaching out to Molly to wipe her tears away. "You deserve better than this. Better than me."

Maybe they'd shown her she can still find someone new again, but Metzli can't help but feel like they aren't the one to go the distance with Molly. They have no right to. As much as they want to be wrong, they know themself and what they're worth. Which isn't much. Or anything at all.

"If I can ever fix myself, maybe I could be worth your while, but as of right now, I'm not." Metzli's thumb brushes a few more tears away, and they blink off their own. A blearly flat smile overtakes their lips, and they sigh. "I like making you smile. A lot. I like being around you and hearing about all the little details while we just...exist." They huff out a dry chuckle, recalling 27 Dresses and the really bad spray tan. It diverts Metzli's train of thought, and they're overcome with butterflies in their stomach as they get lost in the moment.

"I should just focus on now, but there's just that voice in my head telling me not to waste your time or be selfish. Because that's what I'm doing, you know? When it comes to you, I've gone full glutton. I'm not ashamed of wanting you. That's not the selfish part. I can't help it, and if there's anyone that can, then they're a better person than me. No. The selfish part is the glutton. It's ignoring that voice and risking hurting you with what's wrong with me." Metzli breathes shakily, "That's what I do. That's why I was always in trouble until I learned how to just...listen."

[ameliahiatt]

Molly inhales slowly through her nose as she listens to them. Her brows furrow and the smile flattens just a bit. It's not a frown, she's just listening and watching, wanting to really see them. Knowing what she had up this point about their family, it made her heart sink at the idea of their parents reacting poorly. It was one thing for a parent to disassociate or check out and have their eldest child step in. But to think they were scared when they got home. It punched Molly right in the gut.

Even as Metzli tenses and rocks back and forth, Molly's posture stays as relaxed as possible, though she's got a sinking feeling. It's not so much like it feels as if it's going to drag her under - well, it is but it's not all bad. She can't put it into words. It didn't make sense. All the same though, Molly couldn't help but think that maybe her life made more sense lately than it had for the last ten years.

Hearing that Metzli left her bed to go to the couch the night they had stayed comes as a bit of a surprise but that was the first time they had been together overnight. Or at all - they had really just gone pedal to the metal from day one. Part of that didn't make sense to Molly but again, it didn't feel wrong. Molly married a walking red flag - she didn't see the bleeding color quite as well until way too late. What Metzli was telling her wasn't necessarily comforting but it also wasn't sounding alarm bells.

The weight of their words hang in the air for a few beats before Molly speaks. "I like you." She says. "And this wasn't supposed to happen. When my marriage ended I had placed myself in a neat little category of sad women who will never open themselves up to someone again. I was starting to make peace with that, as dramatic as it sounds." She explains, "And then you-" Her voice cracks; she feels heat rising to her face and tears welling behind her eyes, "You almost run right into me at that library and change everything." She glances up for a moment, a sad attempt to stop the tears before looking back at Metzli, hand moving to their knee again. "The only thing you ruined was my idea that I was going to be alone for the rest of my life and I really like that you did that."

She sniffles and slowly blinks away a few of the tears that started to fall. "And it does scare me a little, maybe even a lot. We don't know what the future holds, I don't know if I can plan that far in advance yet," Though she might've been ready to try, Molly still had a ways to go herself, "And yeah, I don't exactly know how I'll handle bad nights. I'd like think I'll be there for you though, no matter how difficult they might be. Because I like you and I like us, too."

Maybe Molly was letting her heart drive a little too soon but when was the right time to let yourself live again after the end of a long ass chapter of your life? Even if all they could do was take things day by day, she thought she might be ready to see.

"I used to be really good at keeping them at bay." Metzli rasps, hiccuping with each prolonged breath. A small side effect from how hard they were crying. "They would make my parents so mad that I just...learned how to swallow them." They chuckle dryly and shake their head. It wasn't foolproof by any means, but it kept them out of trouble for a few years. In that regard, anyway.

That doesn't matter right now though. Metzli is able to stay grounded with Molly keeping her hand on them. As if some part of her thinks Metzli will float away in the fog of their panic. She tethers them, and although they're baffled, they're also grateful.

"It's a lot, so I'm sorry about that." Metzli squeezes the pillow closer to them. They want to explain more. To tell Molly that if she wants to be around them, this is what she's going to put up with. That the panic and the dread follows Metzli even in their dreams, turning their memories into nightmares they wish they could forget. She deserves to know the truth. She doesn't deserve whatever it is that is developing between them.

"The day is easy, you know?" Metzli loosens their grip on the pillow, solemnly taking Molly's hand like it might be the last time they get to. "If you're seeing this, it's only a matter of time until you see that." Their voice picks up in pace, frantic and fearful, but they continue anyway.

"And it's going to..." Without thinking, Metzli tugs at a curl, rocking back and forth in an attempt to keep themself composed enough to offer Molly a warning. A really long and rambly warning. "That's...that's why I go to your couch after you fall asleep. Because I can't...I can't subject you to that. I scream and I'm scared, and I have to pace for an hour before I can be calm again. You can't want that, can you? I like you, and I don't know what I'm doing, but I like this. I like us. But I'll ruin this. I am ruining this. That's what I do."

[ameliahiatt]

Molly's touch is light as a feather against their back as she walks with them to the couch. She leans back against the cushion and gently places a hand on their knee as they reach for a pillow and hug it. Their legs touch but Molly sits back just enough to ensure they have space.

Her gaze dances back and forth between Metzli and her own lap. She doesn't want to stare or have them think she's afraid they'll shatter like an eggshell underfoot. At one point her parents did finally take Grace to see a doctor who was able to plainly explain her "moments" to them. Molly and her sister grew up in a very loving home but it didn't mean it was perfect. Just last Christmas Grace had experienced one and despite being in a dense fog of grief over her marriage, Molly was the first to spring into action. Her mother never grew out of the deer in headlights look when it happened.

When they finally meet her gaze she just looks back at them with a tender smile. "It's alright," she tells them, "We can't always help it." she shrugs before bringing her hand from their knee to the top of their own outermost hand as they clutch the pillow.

After a beat, she gives their hand a gentle squeeze. "My little sister, Grace." She offers simply. She doesn't have to. Neither of them owe each other an explanation, but Molly's hoping it'll help them feel less bad about it in some way. "She's lived with panic attacks for most of her life. Even as a kid myself I seemed to be the only one with enough sense to pause and just be with her in those moments." Once again her eyes meet theirs with a look that might say "I see you and I'm not going anywhere."

When Metzli was younger, their propensity for panic attacks caused their parents a lot of grief. In public theg received surface level comfort, but when they arrived home, their mother gave them a real reason to cry.

No one had ever comforted them. No one really knew they were afflicted with a panic disorder to begin with. Metzli was no one and suffered alone, everything coming to a head when they were no longer able to hide it without help.

Therapy changed a lot for Metzli, gave them new tools to guide themself when they were in the throes of panic. But they aren't helping now. In fact, Metzli can't remember the tools at all. Fortunately though, they don't need them because Molly is grounding them with her touch, with the way she's inviting them in for comfort. Asking them questions to keep them from spiraling further than they already have.

Without saying a word, Metzli agrees, pulling away and nodding slowly. Their eyes are distant and hazy, expression withdrawn and tired. They let Molly lead them to their couch, but they don't remember sitting down and grabbing a pillow to hold against their chest.

When the haze is at its thinnest, Metzli takes a deep breath to steel themself enough to look Molly in the eyes. "I'm sorry," They say again, shaking their head. "I'm so sorry. You shouldn't see me like this. I should control it better."

[ameliahiatt]

Though they've instructed her to not be sorry it doesn't change the fact that Molly still feels bad, showing up unannounced. She'd seen scenes like this play out in fiction; sometimes it went well and others it was a disaster. Molly is definitely hoping this time is not the latter for them. Not that she thinks it will be.

As Metzli bends to lean their head against her shoulder she brings a hand to the back of their neck. "It's okay..." She'd lean her own head against theirs but she wanted to comfort them, not smother. "You don't need to be sorry." She says in a half whisper. Molly's itching to joke right now, attempt to maybe make them laugh or feel better. "What do you mean see the place like this? Clean! Spotless, even." Molly didn't need covered walls and furniture to be impressed. Metzli was all that mattered to her. And she knew this wasn't exactly a prime time for a joke.

"I'm not going anywhere." she says with a short but reassuring nod of her head. She'd leave in a heartbeat or stay forever. Partially because it was Metzli and she was starting to really care about them, and also because it was just Molly's nature. Her mother had always talked about how good she was in a crisis. Thanks to therapy she had learned that while that could be an endearing statement from her mom, it didn't mean that Molly always had to be this seemingly cool, calm, and collected person at all times. But she had found it was easier that way - she was an eldest daughter through and through.

Her fingers move in gentle circles on the back of their neck and her other hand still firmly rests against their shoulder as if she's grounding herself to them. Her sister had experienced panic attacks somewhat frequently as a child and it seemed like Molly was the only one who knew what to do, even though she really hadn't a clue (beyond a quick internet search once, but that came years later). The steps just made sense though and it had initially driven her a little wild that her parents just couldn't seem to grasp what to do. One time her mother had actually said, "I just never know what to do with her when she's like this." and it took everything in Molly not to say, "Well, comforting her would be a good first step." But that would be Molly admitting that there were times when she didn't get along with her mother and that just wouldn't do. She'd just bite her tongue and lead her sister somewhere quiet.

"Do you want to sit?" She asks, not wanting to lead them away without permission but also realizing that they may not have been comfortable hunched over right now. They definitely weren't comfortable given what was happening but maybe sitting would help? Molly would also stand there all afternoon if she had to.

As tall as they are, Metzli feels so small when Molly plants her hands on their shoulders. At first they go still, afraid of what might happen if they move too quickly. They tense their body and prepare for in impact that never comes, eyes shut tight and afraid.

Their heart is pounding and the sensation of needles digging into every single one of their nerves makes it impossible to stop shaking. Like their body is holding a livewire within itself that it can't properly contain.

"You weren't supposed to see this place like this. I thought-I-I...I thought I'd have it together by now." They're ramble tumbles out of them in a panic, too sporadic and hasty to be completely coherent.

When they finally open their eyes again and see Molly, Metzli melts into her touch, desperate. Their head rests on her shoulder, but their arms are still wrapped tightly around their own body. "Don't leave." Metzli rasps, eyes glassy and distant. "Don't be sorry. I'm sorry." They breathe, repeating, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

Every breath is shallow and for a while, Metzli doesn't speak because it feels as though they're not in their own body. As if the person inside has been reduced to echoes that quake the entirety of their shell. It's reminiscent of the episode that got Metzli laid off, but a few levels shy of dangerous. They can still step off the ledge here, with a little help. It'd just take a little time-- or a little soothing to get them back and present. Though Metzli isn't sure if Molly is trained in the art of a panic attack, and hopefully this is the first and only time she ever has to deal with one from them.

[ameliahiatt]

"Oh! I'm not-" Molly begins sweetly, eyes still on the furniture before tracing back to Metzli who has backed themself against a wall, literally. The smile that had crept its way across her face, top row of teeth peeking through, was immediately replaced with a concerned frown.

Molly doesn't know what to do. This has backfired faster than she could've imagined. There's a tiny part of her that now wished they had turned her away. It might've been easier to walk away and wallow in her self-pity over being turned away from the house of her crush. Facing these emotions was another level. She'd seen Metzli sneak away, or noticed fleeting moments dance across the soft features of their face but this visceral reaction was new.

"Metzli.." she says their name quietly but with a force that grounds herself, and hopefully them. Who knows what sort of force drives her but Molly is soon reaching out, hands resting upon their shoulders. She's careful as she reaches out, again to act as if she's waiting for them to indicate that it's okay. Her touch is gentle, almost light as a feather.

"Hey," she calls to them as if beckoning them back from the edge of a spiral. "I'm so sorry." She explains, brows furrowed and head shaking. "I didn't mean anything by that. I was only joking." she exhales as she speaks, shoulders falling but hands steady on them. "Please," her voice is soft. "Please turn me away right now if you need a moment, don't worry about me or what I think, I'll go right now if that's what you need." And again, she means it. She wouldn't second guess it now after seeing the look in their eyes. "But I'm here if you need me."

Molly saying their space is simply just new isn't true. Metzli's last place looked similar, but having been a studio apartment, there wasn't as much space to fill. The blank walls weren't as noticeable as their current situation.

Metzli only bought the place because they thought a clean slate with a permanent purchase felt like the right thing to do. Being financially stuck somewhere means that you have to stick it out and you can't easily run away. While Molly is looking at their space though, Metzli wishes they could.

"You don't...you--" Metzli avoids locking eyes with Molly, arms crossed as they sink into themself. "You don't have to lie to make me feel better." It comes out as a humiliated hiss, tears impossible to stop at this point. Metzli scrubs their face harshly to wipe them away but they are replaced just as quickly.

Metzli opens and closes their mouth to say something--anything, but their voice is trapped with the tightness in their throat. And when Molly tries her best to lighten the mood, it unfortunately backfires completely. Metzli can't enjoy it like normal, and they get defensive. They begin backing up into the wall and hugging themself like doing so will protect them.

It doesn't.

"Please don't make fun of me. I don't...don't. I don't..." They repeat themself over and over again, still avoiding Molly's eyes. How are they supposed to build a home when they don't even know what theirs should look like? How theirs is should feel? You can dream of something you never had all you want, but turning it into reality was different. Everything is easier in a dream.

[ameliahiatt]

"Yeah?" Molly lets out through her smile, eyebrows slanting as it comes across as more of a question than declaration. As if she's asking for permission one more time before actually entering. She thought this was a sweet gesture but the gravity of the situation is beginning to settle upon her shoulders. It's a big deal, inviting someone into your space, it's intimate. And Molly's choice to invite herself over was a little too reckless for her and probably for Metzli.

But they were inviting her in now - she would've understood if they had asked her to leave or deflected and suggested they sit outside or go somewhere. Initially she'd probably be a little sad but then she'd come around to the reality of the situation. "Okay."

Before she steps over the threshold she notes how rigid Metzli's body goes before trembling just a bit but averts her eyes so as not to stare. Instead, they sweep across the living room. A strained, flat smile stretches across her lips as she takes in the sight. Bare, sterile walls stare back at her.

One might think they'd haunt her given her previous minimalist home decor situation (against her will) but this is different. This isn't really lived in, not in a way Molly is used to. But in a way she's not surprised, and that's not a bad thing.

She can't help but eye the cardboard coffee table. It sticks out like a sore thumb in contrast to the other minimal furniture. But her eyes immediately meet Metzli's for a brief moment. "It's not bad, I promise." she says, holding their gaze for just long enough to reassure them but not make them feel like they need to meet hers in return.

If she had remembered correctly, Metzli had only moved to town a somewhat short amount of time before they had met Molly. Molly had over a year on them. And she couldn't wait to decorate her own space but that wasn't the case with everyone and she knew it. "It's just a new space." she says to fill the silence. "You haven't had much time to fill it. That'll come with time." And she meant what she said. "Though, if you want help finding a coffee table I would love to accompany you." she blurts. Helping them shop for furniture for their home? That was a totally normal thing to do, actually. Right? "The cardboard has its own character, though..." What the hell, Molly..

For just a few moments, while looking Molly in the eyes, it's easy to forget the dilemma they're in. Especially when she's telling Metzli she was thinking of them. It makes their stomach tangle up pleasantly, but it drops just as quickly when they remember where they are.

"Oh. It's okay." It didn't feel like it. "I just woke up from a nap, is all." And they're panicking. Because what are they supposed to do? Tell Molly to leave? She's making an effort to not only see them, but show them something because--let's face it, Metzli knows it's just an excuse to visit. Which makes it so adorable and sweet that they can't bring themself to tell her to leave. It's a short term shame override.

Metzli tenses and begins to tremble, but they do their best to keep it from showing when they open the door further. "Come on in. You came all this way, yeah?"

Stepping aside, they reveal a mostly empty house. It's clean; floors swept and mopped, and surfaces freshly wiped down. Other than that though, it looks bare and as if a really neat squatter is living there. The only thing that really decorates the living room is the section couch, the TV and its stand, a rug, and the infamous cardboard coffee table.

"Uh..." Tears brim Metzli’s eyes, threatening to teeter onto their cheeks. "I-Well, this is...yeah. My house." They're wringing their hands together nervously and looking at the floor in shame, waiting for Molly to turn around and leave. "You don't have to stay. I know it's...bad."