ameliorent

[ameliorent]

[ameliorent]

[ameliorent]

maybe top 10 posts ever

[ameliorent]

so i wore a pride flag pin to work the other day and the kids were all interested (obviously) (find me a classroom of preschoolers who are not obsessed with rainbows) (i'll wait) so they crowded around to see.

"aww!" they said, "it's a flag!!"

but the thing is: they're little. a lot of them don't really have a handle on all their mouth sounds yet.

such as, notably, that tricky tricky "L" sound.

[ameliorent]

suicide note that says "don't let them think the haters won I just had other shit going on"

[ameliorent]

Texas trying to ban weed and vibrators is crazy because what the fuck else are you supposed to do there, outrun charging bulls and get in shootouts with the rangers?*

*Disclaimer: I am aware Texas is a place of outstanding natural beauty with rich history and a distinct, diverse and beautiful culture and that it is no longer 1883. This post utilizes comedic exaggeration.

[ameliorent]

Walking around my neighborhood wearing my sick as fuck custom T-shirt that says "I STEAL EVERY FRIENDLY CAT I MEET WITH NO REMORSE I DO IT ALL THE TIME DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK I BEEN HERE FOR YEARS KEEP THAT BEAST ENCLOSED LEST YE FACE MY LIGHTNING CAT GRASP" and smiling politely while my neighbors' indoor-outdoor cats gently trot down the sidewalk towards me as the neighbors themselves read my shirt with a growing sense of panic.

[ameliorent]

If female celebs are gonna keep doing the no pants/sheer/coochie out look, the least they could do is showcase some fucking bush. Grow her out until it looks like you’ve got Questlove in a leg lock.

[ameliorent]

Why isn't "too scary" a good enough reason to never drive a car

[ameliorent]

Geological horror. You find a geode and crack it open and the crystal lining its walls is human blood that can't be genetically matched to anyone. You find a human skeleton but every one of the bones is made from rock, a rock that you know can't be whittled into those shapes. You find layers of clay and loam that sport ancient fossils at the top and the still-rotting corpses of modern animals at the bottom.

[ameliorent]

Why do they even make apps for ADHD. You want me to use my 24/7 handheld immediate distraction device? To manage my 'gets distracted too easily' disorder? Ooooh we developed the perfect tool for managing your anemia. Its hosted in Dracula's castle. 👍

[ameliorent]

If you successfully cheat on a monitored test then you have passed a test of one skill by using an entirely different skill and I love the sheer stupid creative genius of it because that’s a little like being quizzed on Nuclear Chemistry and only passing because you learned how to read minds

[ameliorent]

(id in alt!)

dick/kory/joey for @dannyketch via @dcforgaza - less than 24 hours left to get your own request in!!

[ameliorent]

upon learning that the upcoming Dracula movie is yet another Dracula/Mina romance, here is an incomplete list of things that would be more interesting in an adaptation than a Dracula/Mina romance:

A romance between Dracula and literally any other character

An origin story for the lady vampires

A feature length adaptation of the Demeter plot (yes, I know this exists already, it deserves more adaptations)

A Dracula origin story set at the Scholomance

Mina and Jonathan going into that "unknown and terrible land" together

Dracula deciding that, rather than just murdering people, he can offer sex in exchange for blood, and chooses to go to London to do this because the locals will not be receptive. He awkwardly tries to ask Jonathan about prostitution in London and Jonathan's proper gentleman sensibilities are affronted

Dracula gets committed to Seward's asylum, somehow

Dracula gets stuck in wolf form and gets adopted by one of the protagonists

Dracula and his ladies go to Van Helsing, expert on the occult that he is, to ask for help trying to conceive

The Crew of Light try to imprison Dracula rather than destroy him, theorizing that, if they can find a way to cure him, everyone he's turned will be cured

Dracula's sexy immortal vampire harem kicking him out of his own castle because they're sick of his shit

Dracula and Van Helsing as bitter exes

The solicitor who gets sent to Dracula is now Gabriel John Utterson, hoping for a nice relaxing vacation after all the Dr. Jekyll business

Sherlock Holmes, somehow

Dracula marries Mrs. Westenra

Dracula is in the Wild West and gets attacked by vampire hunting cowboys

Dracula being so creeped out by Renfield's obsession and vows of servitude that he flees to another country (to which Renfield follows him)

Oscar Wilde fucks Dracula

[ameliorent]

Sasuke isn't mad about liking men he's mad about liking Naruto. Similarly Naruto isn't mad about liking Sasuke he's mad about liking men