americasnexttopcadaver

[americasnexttopcadaver]

in death I will always be yours and never again leave you

[americasnexttopcadaver]

I’m so glad I wrote this down

I remember when I first realized you were going to kill me someday. it was actually what got me to start this blog. you told me how much you wanted to beat me to death, described exactly how you would do it, told me how by the time I started to regret it it would be too late to fight back. told me how you think about it all the time and how hard it is for you to hold back from breaking me. later, when I told you about the realization I had had, you seemed confused. hadn’t we been talking about you killing me for months now? what did I think it was, elaborate dirty talk? but wanting something is one thing and actual intent to do it is another. the way you were looking at me that night made it absolutely clear that you meant it. this wasn’t just a fantasy to you. you actually intend to take my life someday.

you’ve looked at me like that many times since. usually during sex, sometimes when we’re just hanging out. it scares me every time, thrills me, inspires immediate obedience. it’s like you stop looking at me like a person and start looking at me like prey. every time I see that look I remember that you like hurting me, not just for my sake but because it’s fun for you, and I remember all over again how I’ll die.

you were looking at me like that last night, and it brought me back to that first time. I thought of every time you’ve told me with your hand around my throat that I shouldn’t trust you this much. I thought of every time I’ve begged you to break that trust, longed for you to push me too far. I thought about how just a second ago I told you how you could use my phone to call out of work so no one would miss me and I thought about how everyone else I know well enough to notice if I’m gone is two time zones away and I thought about how I decided long ago that my life is in your hands, if you decide it’s the right time to kill me then it’s the right time to kill me regardless of what I want or when we agreed, and I was really afraid for my life in a way I haven’t been before. not with you and not ever in my life.

I guess anyone reading this would probably be alarmed, maybe including you, so I should mention now that I absolutely loved it. I don’t know if I ever loved you more than in that first moment when I saw the bat in your hands. everything in the world narrowed to me and you. I was terrified, I couldn’t keep from flinching and yet I wanted it so badly I was cursing my survival instincts even as my life flashed before my eyes. I kept begging you to hit me and you kept taunting me (“I’m not sure you’re really ready, baby, you keep flinching”) and every bit of the way I pled with you was real. I wished you would cut my arms off so I couldn’t raise them to protect myself. I probably wasn’t ready to die, really (I hope I get more practice before the day comes, I want you to know I’m going to my death willingly plus I really, REALLY want to be afraid of you like that again) but I wanted to be so badly. I was so afraid you would kill me and also so afraid you wouldn’t and it would be my fault.

and then you grabbed my throat and said “you’ll die when I decide you’re going to die and not a moment sooner” and you sounded so commanding that I didn’t dare beg for it anymore but I know a part of you wishes I kept begging until you lost control and gave in. and a part of me definitely wishes that. and all day today I keep thinking about how easy it would’ve been for you to break my shins or kneecaps or knock the wind out of me, how you swung it towards me and said “pow” and giggled, how you asked me how long I thought it would be before I started to regret it? and you mocked the way I would say “no, please, I didn’t mean it, you’re hurting me, please stop” and I thought it probably wouldn’t take very long at all but I didn’t want to say so, the way you wondered aloud how deep youd be able to push the bat inside me and I was so afraid of the pain while also hoping you would try, the way you laughed at me cowering in fear and your eyes lit up right before scaring me some more, even the way you were hitting me afterwards (“that one wasn’t very good, let’s try again. oops, that one wasn’t very good either, let’s try it again”) and the whole time I knew you could’ve killed me so easily a minute ago and i wouldn’t have done anything about it other than maybe flail a little. how I even begged for it, because you told me to beg for it but also because I wanted it. the way you said you don’t even need to drug me because you can do anything you want to me and make me beg for it anyway and you weren’t wrong at all. I know all over again that you’re going to kill me and you’ll enjoy it maybe even more than I will. I’m terrified. I can’t wait.

I wonder if you’re watching me write this. I remember last year when everything was so new and I think about how excited that version of me would be to have my life. to put my life completely in your hands, fully accept the idea not only that you’ll kill me but also that I have no control over when, then come home from having my life threatened to an apartment full of cameras that let you watch my every move. but not before I spend the night at your house and wake up at the time you decide because even something as small as that is up to you. it’s the kind of thing I always fantasized about but seems like it would be a completely terrifying reality, and in some ways it is. but in other ways it comes so easily and naturally and like I barely even think about how much power you have over me because I love and trust you so much and I know you feel the same about me. but at the same time that little undercurrent of fear is always there and I think it’ll probably be just a little more now. I think it’s for the best I have to wait but I can’t wait for you to kill me. I always hope just a little that you’ll get impatient and do it early.

[americasnexttopcadaver]

I miss this blog only because it means I wrote a whole diary entry about how horny I am and you won’t read it. I miss you reading my thoughts in general tbh. of course my diary is open to you but it means you can’t read things when I first think them

[americasnexttopcadaver]

this probably should’ve been a physical diary post but I want you to be able to read it so. last post here for now

I’ve been thinking a lot in the last couple weeks about changes I want to make in my life. cutting off my best friend, the discussions with you about moving in together, and talking to my sister about our childhoods have all kind of come together and highlighted problems I’ve been having in my life since really forever. namely that despite hiding it really REALLY well I have basically no confidence or sense of self worth. this post is going to be disorganized and not really have a central thesis statement but w/e

> since cutting my friend off I’ve been incredibly lonely which I also was before meeting him. right now I don’t really have friends besides you, but I’ve been able to make at least a few friends in places I’ve lived before. still, I’ve never really been happy with the quality of those friendships. there’s always a wall I have up that keeps them from ever knowing the real me. part of why I latched on so hard to the previous best friend even though he treated me like shit was because he and I were able to break through that wall in a way I haven’t really done before in my life, and have only done once since (with you obviously). now that I don’t have the like security blanket of that friendship I’m realizing more and more how underdeveloped my social skills are, how I don’t really know how to make someone into a friend (I’ve always relied too much on other people wanting to be friends with me) and how to go from there into making them an ACTUAL friend who I’m close with. and how to not let my lack of self worth and tbh emotional neediness get in the way of that bc I always think well so and so has all these other things in her life so I won’t really be that important to her so now I need to put up all these safeguards to keep her from being important to me. which now that I think of it is probably also why I keep being friends with fuckin losers such as my old best friend

> I think I have been using tumblr as a substitute for the kind of interpersonal relationships I want bc I REALLY DEEPLY want A LOT of attention and positive reinforcement like I have an insatiable hunger for it. I LOVE having people read all my thoughts and like them and interact with them. however lately it’s started to feel bad to me. like people going on anon to ask for the “tea” about my mom, the “tea” about my friend breakup, when I alluded to something big and scary and life changing happening between us (the cameras) people I’d never spoken to wanted to know about that……. it’s just v obvious these people don’t care about me in any meaningful way. they see my life as a spectacle which I do get bc irl people have told me more than once to write a book about my life so I get that it’s fascinating. but I’m also a person and I’m kind of sick of being dehumanized especially on TUMBLR of all places. also every time I post a selfie I get both anons asking if I’m a dude and actual dudes in my dms trying to hit on me and I’m over that too

> speaking of which I’ve never liked how superficial and focused on appearances a lot of social media is which is why I gravitated so much towards tumblr in the first place but I feel like tumblr is becoming the same way, or at least the people who I follow are. like everything is about being pretty or being ugly or masc presenting this fem presenting that and I really dislike it. in the last year or so I’ve started actually comparing my looks to the looks of random women on the internet which I NEVER used to do and I feel that being exposed to that kind of shallowness constantly (admittedly my former friend was some of it but it’s also just the internet as a whole) has a lot to do with it.

> on the flip side even the less shallow side of tumblr where people are actually talking about important issues is just…….. it’s miserable. I genuinely feel like a lot of people on here don’t actually care about jack shit they’re just miserable and want to make everyone else as miserable as them. I see all this hatred and negativity and fighting constantly and it really is psychically damaging and weighs me down with all this anger about shit I Really don’t need to care about. and I’m over it. I don’t even want to say more on it because I’ll just get bogged down in being angry at these people who quite literally do not matter at all

> talking to my sister about our childhoods was……. I think simultaneously healing and retraumatizing if that makes sense. I didn’t fully realize it before but for most of my life I’ve carried this burden of being unlovable and deserving bad things happening to me. yes I was angry about the way I was treated and yes I knew on a certain level I didn’t deserve it but on another deeper level I guess a part of me felt like it HAD to be something wrong with me because out of everyone in the family it was only me everyone turned on. and it didn’t help that I went straight from that into living with my ex which really cemented that the common denominator here is me + I’ve always felt particularly ill suited for life in society generally. so hearing my sister (who honestly as much as I love her, was part of the dynamic that abused me and has in the past chosen other family members who did bad shit to me over me. like I don’t blame her for it bc she was very young and raised into this and regrets it now but she was part of it) actually validate everything I went through and say she always saw how much I was suffering and she was terrified of everyone turning on her and hating her the way they did me released a lot of that burden off of my shoulders. it was NEVER me there was NEVER anything wrong with me it was ALWAYS just that my parents are fucked up people and didn’t want to examine that so they made me a scapegoat for everything. I really don’t think it’s a coincidence that they got divorced less than 6 months after I moved out honestly I think they just needed me to use as a punching bag and once I wasn’t there anymore it couldn’t hold. and there’s a lot of pain and grief that’s come from this realization but also it’s sort of like a rebirth. like I can see myself with new and more compassionate eyes now

> every single order you give me or rule you make for me that isn’t in a sexual context is like: take medicine as needed when you’re sick. lock the door when you leave. get dressed for work in a timely manner. go to bed on time. wear a coat when it’s cold. don’t swim in the death river that could kill you. and I absolutely love following these orders even when I don’t actually like doing the things because they make me feel cared about and owned and like I’m being Good. but I’ve also always kind of hated myself a little bit about it because why do I need you to tell me to do these things? am I a child? shouldn’t I just do them? only lately I’ve been thinking…… yeah why DON’T I take care of myself? and not in a way where I’m judging myself for that but more like: why have I never considered that to be worth doing? some things like the medicine thing it would never have even occurred to me to do bc I’ve never been cared about in that way before (parents had the attitude that being sick was a moral failing basically so I had to figure out how to take care of myself when I’m sick from scratch with no help) and other things i guess I’m just accustomed to treating myself and my life like I don’t matter that much. and it’s the same with the house cleanliness thing like I’ve been working hard to keep everything off the floor and it’s genuinely better and I like being home a bit more than I did before (still not a lot but a little bit). and it’s like I’m doing this for you, why did I never do it for me?

> the whole issue about moving in together should never have caused me to spiral the way that it did. and I’m not being judgmental of myself by saying that. well I am a little because it’s highly embarrassing but mostly it’s because I want to be able to have hard conversations with you without wanting to kill myself afterwards. I do not want to be this emotionally fragile at any hint of rejection in any way. comparing it to the way I used to react to similar things in the past I handled it much better externally in that I did not lash out at you and I only substance abused a little bit, but internally I didn’t handle it well at all. I don’t want my sense of like……. feeling like a worthwhile person to be dependent on whether you do what I want. that’s not fair to me or you

> I want to start investing in myself and taking care of myself regardless of whether or not you tell me to or whether we live together in the spring or anything. I want a sense of self worth that doesn’t depend on other people so much. I’ve always been lost trying to do this in the past; I’ve just filled my life with as many fun experiences as possible and called that living for me. which it is and I will continue to do that. but I also want to actually take care of myself the way that you take care of me, or the way that I take care of my cats or the kids I work with. like I want to give myself a good environment to live in that I’m not ashamed of. I want to invest in my health instead of ignoring it. I want to actually try and develop the social skills I’m missing instead of waiting for friends to magically fall in my lap (which to be fair I’ve been really lucky re: people falling in my lap without me doing jack shit and you’re proof of this, but still). I want to spend more time on magic and creative hobbies instead of just being sad I don’t do more of them. I want to actually TRY. and I will!

> part of that is going to be that I want my attention span back. I was trying to read needful things as an ebook on my phone and I kept getting distracted by tumblr. and then today I’ve been reading pride and prejudice except I keep getting distracted by tumblr. and that’s gotta stop

> I do however like writing down my thoughts particularly on this blog. so what I THINK I’m going to do is start writing in a physical diary instead, which you can of course peruse at your leisure

[americasnexttopcadaver]

have noticed myself looking to you for guidance more vs. just doing things. and this is before I’m even brainwashed. scary! but deliciously so

[americasnexttopcadaver]

imagine if you really did knock the wind out of me. I’d love it

[americasnexttopcadaver]

I don’t have a private life separate from you because you see everything I do. and soon you’ll get to mess around in my mind too and change anything to be how you like. and someday you’ll kill me and I don’t even get to choose when. and when I fight back it’s things like, covering up the cameras or not showering in cold water right when you say (and even then I asked permission first). sometimes the weight of how much my will Does Not Stand A Chance against yours even if I did want to just hits me

[americasnexttopcadaver]

it’s crazy to think a year ago I hadn’t even met you in person yet and now you quite literally own me in every way. I love it and I LOVE always being accountable for everything. but it’s spiritually overwhelming, like you have your foot on my head enjoying your conquest and all I can do is look up at you adoringly and let it happen. or like you’re holding me underwater and maybe I struggle a little bit from time to time but it’s really pointless to fight it so I can only let you drown me

[americasnexttopcadaver]

like i really haven’t been feeling it at all. the living together thing had me feeling bad and even though we talked about it and worked it out i was still stuck in this emotional headspace of being unwanted + unlovable. and tbh i do think that contributed to my being late because I know better than to lie in bed and not get dressed in the morning. honestly I think it was also why i put off the punishment bc I’ve done cold water in cold temperatures before. and i was starting to get out of that headspace anyway but having to be punished, even really briefly, i think viscerally reminded me that no matter what I always belong to you. even if i break rules and cover up all the cameras and even if we have disagreements or don’t see eye to eye on living together it doesn’t change the fact that you own me and that really means everything to me

i do not want to say this to your face at all but I am very grateful to you for disciplining me when i need it. it puts my head right

[americasnexttopcadaver]

i do not want to say this to your face at all but I am very grateful to you for disciplining me when i need it. it puts my head right

[americasnexttopcadaver]

to the person repeatedly liking and unliking my kink list just so you can like it again every couple days: why

[americasnexttopcadaver]

I’ve literally not felt submissive lately like I haven’t been in the right headspace at all but for some reason today I woke up already thinking about worshipping you like a god. I wonder what I was dreaming about

[americasnexttopcadaver]

you don’t want to live together. you didn’t talk to me about it because you were hoping it really didn’t mean that much to me and it would blow over. you know it’s something I really want and so you don’t want to outright say it can’t happen but you don’t want it to happen.

I knew on some level you didn’t want this but I didn’t want to face that fact. ultimately though I don’t want to force anything on you if you don’t want it. I don’t know what I do want but I know it isn’t that

[americasnexttopcadaver]

if literally all of your stories involve having an affair with a married man or stealing some girl’s boyfriend or trying to get a guy to leave his wife for you I think you’re just a bad person. and highly insecure and obsessed with men

[americasnexttopcadaver]

it’s so hard to believe you can see me like this and still love me

[americasnexttopcadaver]

it really is scary to not have any private moments. I really do perform for the rest of the world. even for you though I don’t think about it much. I try to be an approximation of what other people are. I wasn’t really raised around people. I don’t know what’s normal or not. I don’t know if other people have weird habits when no one is around. doesn’t mean I get the luxury of keeping mine private though. you see everything even things I would rather you didn’t

[americasnexttopcadaver]

you: lowkey worried I’ll find someone else

me: if only there was a way to surgically implant a chip in my brain that delivered a powerful full-body electric shock every time I tried to move more than a couple feet away from you, then I’d have a good excuse to never leave your side for a moment