amexd

[amexd]

I’ve been feeling so sad lately. I leave paris in 2 months. I’m so grateful for all of the time I’ve spent here, but it really feels like the right time to go. I miss my parents and my friends, yet it doesn’t feel right that this won’t be my home anymore.

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The days are flying by. Only good things on the horizon, but my heartbeats thump unevenly at the thought. I wish everything would stop. I want to lay here in my bedroom forever, suspended in this moment where nothing has to change. With every day that passes, the day I’ve dreamed of and dreaded approaches quicker. I can’t shake the feeling of unease. Of happiness. Of sadness. When I think about my last moments in this city, moments that are months away, it makes me want to cry. When I think of all I’m leaving behind. When I think of going home, feeling comfortable, reconnecting to my roots, I am filled with a sense of optimism, yet something under the surface makes me want to run away and hide from who I once was when I was there. There are good days and bad days, but recently, there have just been days. It’s hard to live in the moment when the future is pressing into me and the past is slipping through my fingers like water. I try to hold on, but no matter what I do, it drips away. I don’t know what the right decision is. Regardless, I’ve made it. Everything has already been set in motion.

Moments like these where I feel confused and disconnected are scary. They make me want to act out in an attempt to feel more like myself. In the past I have used alcohol and sex to try and connect to who I feel like I am, but ultimately those things have just inhibited my relationship to myself. Sex feels so primal and natural to me. It makes me feel validated. But more often than not, it leaves me unsatisfied.

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Salvador Dali, The Elephants (Los Elefantes), 1948.

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shushu/tong backstage

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...the melancholy of summer’s end, when the sun is still strong and the light is clear but the tops of the evening trees shiver with a presentiment of the coming decline, a knowledge it contains within itself the way a loaf of bread recalls the hot embers of the fire where it was baked.

Mihail Sebastian, Women (trans. Phillip Ó Ceallaigh)

[amexd]

I feel anxious. I've has this feeling in my chest all day long. I feel unfocused, not confident in any of my decisions. I know this year is a big one, an important one. I can feel it. The summer heart beginning to set in. Summer storms washing up emotion that had been hibernating. I feel electrified. I feel uncertain. Everything feels so fleeting. I don't know how to make it all stop. I want to linger in these moments in time. It's hard to live in the moment while knowing it will all come to an end. There are truths I need to face. Things I need to repair. I love my life here. But I know this too much come to and end.

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I want to be in love. I want someone to love. I want to love someone they way I love reading. I want it to fill me up. I want to feel exited by someone. I want to be cherished. I want to be ravished. I want to care for someone. I want that connection. I want to feel safe.

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The air is muggy. Summer approaches quickly, sun and light filtering through the windows, beating down on me as I work. I awoke this morning with a renewed sense of purpose. I accomplished all of the tasks I had set out for myself. Somehow, I am still uneasy. New information claws at my thoughts, I wonder how this will all change. I don't want this to change. For the first time since leaving, I am excited to go home. I worry that my friends will be lost to others, that they will go places I cannot follow, enter into relationships where there is no space for me. I don't want to be the last one dancing when the music stops. I am young. I am old. My peers are becoming mothers while yearn to be in the arms of my own. Despite this, I am strong. I am reliable. I am unbroken.

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I've been thinking about my ex. It comes back in flashes. They first time I said I love you, the first time he said it back. How we cried and held each other for the last time. The uncertainty I felt but never mentioned. How I wish I could have trusted myself more, brought up more, asked more questions. How I realised that someone knowing everything about me isn't all a relationship is about. The ways in which I could have been better but was too insecure to do so. The way things never felt quite right. The happiness I felt in that McDonald's parking lot with an ice cold sprite in my hand. The shock I felt in the same parking lot months later with tears streaming down my face. As much as I wish we could have been better to each other, or that only one of us is at fault, I can never let go of the feeling that I should have looked out for myself more. I should have stood up for me. Sometimes I wonder if I should have stayed, if I should have fought. Other times, I know I was right. That the trust was irreparably broken, that I would lord if over him forever. That I would never look at him under the same light, that those eyes would never bring me peace. I remember lazy mornings, driving to the mountains to show me the snow, our bodies pressed together, tracing his face, trying to implant it into my memories. I hate that it hurts, that even though it ended so poorly, I miss him sometimes. I think I miss how I felt more than anything. I miss feeling safe and secure and loved. I miss being held. I miss the naivety. Sitting on a park bench having my heart broken, joggers passing by. Sitting in his car. The decision I made to pursue him. The first time he asked me to go for ice cream.

The phone calls, the painting, the miscommunication, the worry, the late night texts, the summer nights lying beside each other, exploring for the first time. Sex on the counter, sex in the bathroom. Him not touching me in front of his friends, none of them knowing we were together, the inability to tell my parents we were dating. Flying to see him, him dropping my hand. Holding hands, sneaking round. Shoes in the bedroom, parents out of town. Unanswered texts, cancelled phone calls, feeling abandoned. Having to be the person to end it.

Vulnerable discussions, only going home together when we were drunk, cooking me meals, cuddling on the couch. Falling asleep on his chest, eating basil, drunken dancing, indulging in our youth, never knowing how the night would end. Fighting, crying, wanting everything to end on a good note. Saying he loved me. Sweaty showers, an orgasm. Being too drunk to remember my words, jealously, the decision to start again. The final wave goodbye.

The intrigue, tattoos, rebellion, tender moments, soft skin, kind words, knowing we would never be but wishing we could. Feeling seen, getting ahead of myself. Indulgence for the night. The arcade, the bar, a squeeze goodbye. Healing. Kindness. Being held.

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Another year in Paris starts. There is a lot of uncertainty about this year, yet at the same time there is certainty that it will be my last year. I guess I don't even know that since I haven't heard anything from the prefecture. I'm feeling anxious about my time here and my wants and needs and my future. My co worker said that anxiety is preventing me from being in the present. I think that is probably somewhat true but at the same time, I can't just live in the moment and not think about the future.

I don't want my time here to be cut short by not having a Visa, I want my time here to come to an end because I want it to, not because I get booted out of the country. I don't know where I will be in a year. I don't even know where I will be in 6 months. I want to be here so bad but I'm worried that I'm wasting time. I have no idea what else I would do if I wasn't here. I don't want to be in Vancouver. I miss my parents everyday, but I know that I wouldn't be happy there. I don't know what I want. is this just life. I feel unsatisfied. It's hard to feel like Im struggling, when really everything is alright. Is it a new place that will fix this? no. I know it's something I need to do and work on and I need to take action and control over my own life.

Don't even get me started on dating and love because that is truly an unknown. I just want it to be fun and exciting and easy. I know it isn't always easy, but I feel like dating should be fun. It is fun. I want to be in love. I don't just want to have casual sex and never see someone again. But it feels scary to close that door and the opportunities and validation that comes with that. I want to be in a good, trusting, loving relationship. I want to be able to feel comfortable and trusted and secure with someone.

I don't know what this year will bring.

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This year, more than any, I am thankful for my friends — my chosen family. I wouldn’t be here without them and can’t imagine my life without them. Making a year in review video, I am overwhelmed with the love and happiness I feel. This year was anything but easy, but with friends like mine, I know I can achieve anything with their support. I am forever thankful to have them in my life, the new and the old, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Finding friends like mine is pure luck. They really are my soulmates, my twin flames.

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lately I've been doing so much thinking. thinking about who I am and who I want to be. I had the realisation a couple days ago that when I meet me and date, I tend to present myself as a sexual being first and a human being second. It's fucked up and I know it. I think in my mind, if I can get a man to sleep with me, then there will be a better chance that he'll actually get to know me. I know that in my past relationship, I always wanted to be seen as sexually desirable and was disappointed when my partner didn't want to have sex with me on my period, I felt as though I was letting them down by not being available to have sex with. I guess it also hurt my feelings that they didn't want to have sex with me on my period, but that's a whole other issue. I think I just need to realise and tell myself that I am worthy and more than just sexually desirable. I have so many friends and they don't see me just as a sexual being, they like me for many other reasons, so why, when it comes to men, do I feel like I need to present myself so sexually. I think another aspect of it is that I really like having sex. I would say I am a sexual person and I enjoy and crave sex a lot. I hate that having sex on the first date is seen as a negative by a lot of people because it shouldn't be seen that way. I think maybe I want to try not having sex on the first date, but also what If that's just who I am and what I like. Why should I change my actions just so other people view me differently. I'm not ashamed of having sex and being sexual. I like who I am and I like that I am up for a lot of things. Maybe it is more vulnerable for me to wait to have sex because then it requires me to actually know and care about someone before sleeping with them, but having sex with a stranger, while it is intimate, is just so animalistic, it almost doesn't carry and weight. its like my brain just gets into the mood and thats it. Meaningless sex is also not bad. it doesn't always serve everyone, but it definitely has its moments. I think sex is better when you're in love, but I'm also not going to wait till I'm in love to have sex. I think I just have to untangle my brain a little. writing always helps. putting my emotions into words is so beneficial, I don't know why I don't do it more often. I also don't know what I want in life or in romance. do I want a boyfriend? It would be nice, but I honestly think I need to focus on myself a little bit more before I commit to someone like that or else I will end up relying on them. I don't want my past relationship to fuck up my future relationships. I want to be trusting and open, not some closed-off cynical 23 year old. I think another thing that has also been weighing on me is that my birthday is this month. I'm turning 24 and I know that's not even super old but sometimes it feels like it is. The currency of youth has really been weighing me down. It's so crazy because I am a full adult. But I don't feel like it. I feel as though I'm in the in between. Maybe this is how I will feel for a while. It's nice to have the freedom of being adult. but with at comes other responsibilities like paying rent, going to work, doing the grocery shopping. In all honesty, I love my life. I think moving to Paris was probably the best decision of my life. I can't even imagine what my life in Vancouver would be like. But actually, I can imagine exactly how it would be and that's even worse. I am excited to go home for the holidays but I am also scared. I'm excited to see friends, but I'm anxious about how it will be. I just want to have a good time while I'm there and not feel awkward. But I am realising that Paris has been a bandage on my problems, it's been an amazing one but all bandages have to get taken off eventually. I think I need to actually do a lot of work on myself and self-reflection so that I can be the best version of myself for me and for those around me.

[amexd]

It's been two summer's since I last saw you. Two summer's since we were us. I don't miss you, but I do think about you. More specifically, I think about who I was when I was with you. I feel sad for myself. I feel like I let myself down, and in an effort to avoid that happening again, I have completely closed myself off to the possibility of love. It's weird being in a completely different place, but still thinking about you. It's weird that I catch myself trying to remember the details of your bedroom. It's not that I want to remember them, but more like i'm scared to forget them. I think I hold onto you so strongly sometimes because I don't know what else to do. I'm over you, but I'm not over me. Some days I hope you're miserable, I hope you get a flat tire and that your bike gets stolen. Other days, you don't even cross my mind. I think what really upsets me is that thinking about you still brings up so many emotions for me. I hate that I sit here thinking about our last interactions and what I said to you. I wish I had been more confident. I can't cling to this anymore, I can't keep thinking about this. I need to move on and put it to rest. I have let this stop me for too long. I don't want to be scared and jaded anymore. I want to be open and hopefully and realistically optimistic. It's a constant battle between wanting to be open to love, but at the same time wondering why that's everyone's number one priority. I think I am at a place in my life where someone would have to be really great in order for me to let them in. I'm kind of done fucking around and not caring. I do want something real and special.

[amexd]

It's scary and exciting to think about the future. I truly have no idea where I'll be in a year. I could stil be here, in this bed, in this city, but I could be back home, or in a completely new country altogether. I think your 20s are so special because you have the power to do almost anything, to try everything. I haven't been very excited lately, but as I sit here typing this out, I find myself filled with a new sense of possibility and excitement for what is to come. I can't wait to meet new friends, learn new skills, read more books, listen to more songs, feel the sun on my face, walk by the seine, sit in the park, try a new cafe.