amnos-ntp

[amnos-ntp]

I love with a passion. I take my fist and I slam it down demanding you feel my love.

it’s out of my control if you don’t understand it. if you want it. if it’s for you..

I love with an honesty, and purity. I love with all the beauty, and all the art I can conjure up between words and actions.

I love through my tears, through my words, through my hands, through my smile, through my laugh and anger. I will love you.

MY love is nowhere near, simple or ordinary.

It is, a war. a battle ground. a paradox.

so I understand, why we wouldn’t have worked.

we tick in different ways, I’m quick and unsteady, loud and annoying and yet rhythmic.

you’re simple, and slow, you make sense and in a way you’re relaxing.

together we could make minutes and hours. we could make days and nights.

It’s not my fault, that you don’t love me this way.

My love is unmatchable.

It’s not her fault, or yours. It’s just how it is.

sometimes the person, you love just isn’t the person you’re meant to be with.

I wish I could tell you, that I hated you or that I wish you’d never talked to me..

The truth is, I understand. I’ve been where you are. I’ve loved how you have. I’ve loved who you have.

I knew that you would, realize you didn’t love me anymore. I just wanted to enjoy it while it lasted..a girl can hope right?

I don’t want to..give up on us. what does that say about what I believe in? how I love?

giving up could be good for me, moving on, starting fresh, pretending I didn’t fall inlove over summer and get my heart broken all at once.

I don’t wanna..give you all of me, and still lose you either.

learning that, even at your best..for the wrong person you’re never good enough, could be good for me too. pretending like I didn’t love you, or want you..

Or it could be bad, I could give up and still ask myself what if. or I can try, and wait and lose you...and then lose myself. then I’d ask myself, what am I even worth anymore?

I don’t know if I’m worth someone’s love or commitment..honestly. I can’t say I’m the best person.

[amnos-ntp]

substance

you’ve changed but the image will always be enshrined, the eyes- the hair- the lips- the skin.

I kind of adore you.

but I love you too late. I’m honest.

time & distance.

I refuse it, anxiousness would be thriving in me.

I can’t ask you to wait? I always do.

I see you, I feel you, I crave you.

and then I leave.

everytime I’m so close, we’re so far, but intimately on time..I cross my fingers for this.

bliss.

flushed skin.

your consistency bathes my life, my heart.

swathe me.

I love it when your honest touches mine, intertwine.

one day, I promise.

/ nevaeh cantu

[amnos-ntp]

1...2...3

pain is something. I have given, recieved..indulged and neglected.

I have given pain, to many. a boy who desired to love me. a girl who was just insecure. a father who just wanted me to hear me. a mom who just needed help. a brother who was just confused...many times after.

I am selfish. I am rude. I am cruel. malevolent. loud. aggressive. I protrude revenge and evil..I am the embodiment of cold. numb. blunt. vain. selfish.

I have let others use me in ways I shouldn’t have allowed..I used others in the same sense.

I have hurt those closest to me..on purpose.

I have hurt others for those closest to me.

I have hurt others.

I exceed the one partner rule.

I demand love and lust. affection. where ever and how ever I please. and if I don’t get what I want? I go get it from someone else..

I have changed my mind a million times, told people lies to manipulate them..unconsciously.

I dare lay with another when promised to someone else.

I have let people capture my moments...

I have let boys capture me.

I lie. to my friends and family.

I am a bystander.

I am..this.

yet I am sweet. careful. gentle. curious. regretful. thoughtful. bubbly. loud. exhausted. mindful. aware. bold. confident.

I have caused pain. but i have also caused love.

I have loved people despite their flaws and for their flaws, I loved people even when they didn’t love me

I loved people when I shouldn’t have loved people.

I made love to people for love

I loved people selfishly.

I loved people confusingly

I loved people evilly

I loved people in as many ways as you can.

[amnos-ntp]

3 steps to self forgiveness.

one / perspective. see how you are from others eyes. take time to listen to them, and see with them. then take time to listen to yourself.

two / acknowledge, accept. see what you’ve done. with no excuse or scapegoat. truly embrace this. apologize, to yourself. let you know, how sorry you are.

three / breath. let it all in. tell yourself who you really are. then move on..

[amnos-ntp]

it’s condemning..to feel, like the small changes are too small to praise.

suddenly just speaking our first word wasn’t enough..like that wasn’t a big accomplishment when I was a little one..

you expected me to roll over on my belly, then crawl.

then you wanted me to walk. soon to run.

you wanted me to use the restroom on my own, and make food.

I did because that’s what humans do..

so I forgave myself, for when I couldn’t put my thoughts into words.

for when I laid in bed for days not wanting to breath another second, for feeling numbness in an ache.

forgiveness, for when I didn’t stand up for myself..for when I fell onto my knees. for when I fell, when falling wasn’t an option..

I forgive myself for how I let myself depend on some people to take care of my bed of a mind..and when I let them sleep in it.

the smallest starts complete the biggest accomplishments..in a perspective.

/ nevaeh cantu

[amnos-ntp]

pachyderm

you stripped yourself.

you dug your nails deep under each layer, peeling them back until they showed raw.

you bled words and welsh.

I stripped myself.

I clawed at thinning surface, pinning my only sense of aegis over your blue.

/ nevaeh cantu

[amnos-ntp]

an at most delicate creation

I had reminisced about my childhood, about the smallest problems I had ever had. I thought about falling off my bike, and cutting my thumb. How I cried and ran inside, running the tap over it. Then I thought about how just yesterday I was worried about my school classes, and I felt this stress about how to manage everything going on. Driving Lessons. Sports. Musicals. School. Health.

I looked back down at this..slimy disgusting thing, but yet I thought it was so..intriguing and beautiful. you cannot control nature, you can try to contain it, but without consistency- nature over comes all, it will be here when we’re gone and when the next species dominates the world. We’re purely guests.

[amnos-ntp]

I don’t know..what happened. I don’t know where you and me suddenly stopped being friends. I remember how simple it could’ve been..would’ve been, between us.

But you just chose temporary people over supplementary friends.

I don’t know when the calls at night stopped, where you talked to me and i talked to you, you cried-I cried.

Maybe I didn’t try hard enough, maybe someone else took my place. Who knows. I don’t ? Do you?

I remember you and me in your room just talking about hard things..simple things.

I empathize you, I cared. I was so..feeling for you. And no matter how much i wanted to feel, you wouldn’t let me. You put up a hundred walls, and I guess I didn’t even try to knock them down.

I’m sorry for that, maybe it could’ve saved us a world of hurt. Then again I can’t be sorry for the both of us..i forgive myself. I forgive you..now.

[amnos-ntp]

everything I felt just radiates towards you.

It doesn’t matter, if it’s just a word one day or a kiss the next. the world stops in your presence, my world stops.

looking into your eyes feels like a thousand words, a million dreams..

I feel you so beautifully, and I bare this feeling with such pain.

beautiful pain

what else is there to it?

infatuation

lust is such a sin. and yet, so tempting. I feel like a child doing something I was told not to do..that’s how the fire feels when I’m with you.

dangerous, intoxicating, exhilarating.

I shouldn’t have let you in, I know. I allowed you to kiss my vulnerability. now that’s all it craves..it’s, draining.

your touch, on my skin? the warmth it gives, the life it brings into me?

I lean my head on your shoulder as you caress my soul.

my stomach churns with bile.

I feel the energy you have, in me. you breath it into my lungs..you kiss my ear with sweet bitter nothings, aggression in each word.

I say your name.

because you’re the passion I feel.

you mark me up and down with your name, and I walk around with each blessed scratch, bruise and bite.

this is yours

I am yours.

{ntp}

[amnos-ntp]

congratulations

it’s great, the sensational finding of inspiration in a language that can touch souls.

where were you when I would write about you? where was your comprehension then? when I wrote about us, and the universe and happily ever after?

no where. you left. you always leave. you always will leave. you, with an option of someone else, will always choose option b. as much as I support you, as much as I love you, it’s not enough.

and that’s okay. because I don’t fucking care anymore.

{ntp}

[amnos-ntp]

“Id take out my eye to help you see, Id give you my soul so you’d feel humanity. “

{ntp}

[amnos-ntp]

forbidden fruit

I think I can’t let go of you because I love you. I don’t have feelings for you, I don’t see a fake fantasty about us anymore. I know now, that it’s just not you and me to be like that. We’re a vulnerability to each other. I mean fuck. I can’t stop wanting you, even when I shouldn’t. You make me feel this..exhilaration. I do things that I’ve never done before with you. You make it feel..seem so easy to just detach from reality and just take a bite of forbidden fruit..and that’s why I’m chosing to let myself like this other guy. Because, he is something different and you let me see it’s okay to try new things. I love you, goodbye..

{ntp}

[amnos-ntp]

so help me..anyone.

i never despised a person so much until I was left to tend to my 2 on my own, covering their sensors from the noise that has just become white. While we tip toe around, egg shells crackling under our feet. each breath we take is a risk. our survival, migration, warmth amongst ourselves. family comes first. just me and the 2.

I wrapped my legs around my brothers, one drifted off to bed, the youngest tucked between us was lively at this time at night. Restlessly tossing and turning, then he stops, eyes close. Part of me is relieved, to finally be able to close my own eyes, another part of me is cold..and numb. paralyzed with the events before that lead to this moment. The drinking, the anger. She is always so angry when drunk, she has always been selfish though. She leaned over the ledge of our couch, gagging, yelling for silence, the room fell to her impending beckoning -even our breathing seemed to stop- after a moment of heaving long short, quiet breaths..she was unconscious. My brothers and I grabbed the small box of food she had brought, some left over pasta from a bar and a piece of bread. We picked up after ourselves. We tiptoed to the room we shared, with one bed, we lay there, without warmth, without room, without thought. I took a pillow case and put our feet in it, after all - science says, if your feet are warm your body will be - I don’t know how accurate this is. I leaned over my brother and held him. As he started to sleep, I wept. Tears leaking from my stilled eyes. They filled and impaired my vision for second before pulling into a single drop that slid vertically down my cheek onto my brothers shoulder. I kissed his cheek. My shoulders shaking with anger and fear...relentlessness. He whispers “Why, are you making that sound? You are sick?” I listen to his five year old vocabulary, I sniff a little and say...”Sissy’s, kind of sad.” Sighing into his shoulder, “Why are you sad?” I close my eyes, “Well, I’m mad at mommy.” He turns his head, “Why?” I stared at him, my vision adjusting in the darkness, “I’ll tell you when you get older.” He stares at me for a moment, I wonder if he could even imagine what was wrong, I wonder what this looks like through his eyes? “Okay.” He closed his eyes, as I held him to sleep. I whisper, “...just tell me if you get cold.” Fully prepared to use my body to keep him warm, to protect him..how do you tell your little brother, his mom isn’t the best? How do you explain, the life he’s living shouldn’t be lived. How do you explain to a 5 year old, that having to scavenge for food and sleep with our body heat isn’t a normal everyday thing..how do I..what do I do?

[amnos-ntp]

the subtle art of not giving a fuck (1)

I think the greatest feeling is relief. relieving yourself, of this chain around your arms and legs. I feel like I’m the embodiment of not giving a fuck. I don’t know if this is “the surge” but it feels damn great.

{ntp}

[amnos-ntp]

[d.j.z.o]

I really enjoyed our time together. if I block out all the moments before, the flirting with other girls in front of me. ignoring me in front of your friends. keeping me a secret. when it was just you and me, I enjoyed it. the small talk, the comfort it brought at the end of a long day to just hold your hand, kiss you and then say goodbye. it was enjoyable. part of me really, fell for that.

not for you. but I fell for what you could give me. most times when you’re falling, you’re passing by everything so fast with one thing in mind. destination. it’s pretty useless to focus on the things you’re passing when you fall, you kind of just ignore it? as I was falling, I saw her. it was a small thing. but I knew it would grow to be much bigger. as i was falling, you and me talked about some girl. it was so quick, I barely remember it happening. it’s like all the details of you fade to this blob of an idea that can’t be dismantled.

It’s not really your fault, at all. we both know what we wanted going into whatever this was. it was just fun. that’s all I wanted. or at least that’s what I thought. part of me was, so into the it’s highschool nothing matters let’s just live. live. live. until living isn’t an option. another part of me was indulged in, get your priorities straight, get your life planned out. I felt that I needed to settle down. I needed to take a stand.

when you said, you didn’t want anyone thinking you were in a relationship. I knew how this ended. see I’ve been relationed with boys like you. his name was..is, Johnny. he, much like you, is handsome and charming and mysterious. something about him attracted me and kept me at bay, just like you did. now, I know how me and his story ended I just didn’t know if we’d have the same ending. of course we wouldn’t, but we did, in all sorts of ways. by the time I got to you, I had already built up a stamina for these things. I’m so much stronger than I used to be. perplexing. when I think about johnny, I remember how hard it was for me to picture a day where I didn’t..want him. now it’s hard for me to imagine the day that I said that.

look, If you’re happy. that’s great. I, myself, wouldn’t have wished anything more than for your happiness. but for my happiness, I need to do this. you hurt me, part of it was my fault as I admit, but you hurt me and you knew it. from the moment I sensed your compassion for my desire for you. I knew you’d hurt me, without hesitation. I hope one day, you change and become better, in order for this to happen maybe you just need to fall for someone as hard as people fall for you and then maybe they’ll hurt you so bad you’ll forget that you were different before them. Do I wish this on you? No, of course not..but part of me wishes i did. I think we all dream of being the one to change a boy like you. but a boy like you only changes when a girl walks on water and drowns you out without hesitation.

{ntp}

[amnos-ntp]

childhood

my brothers will have 2 completely different childhoods, I have already had one different from there’s.

My childhood is full of anger and sadness, confusion and fear. I remember my parents fighting, and moving back and forth between my mom and dad. I remember lying to my dad about my mom. I remember my mom having to move in with me and my father and she threw up on my favorite stuffed animal. I remover when my brother threw up on my head and you wouldn’t let me take a shower. I remember crying outside my moms house in my dads car, because i didn’t want to go that bad. I remember staying inside, watching the same movie over and over again from morning to night. I remember eating stale cereal or old granola bars, or not eating at all. I remember sleeping on the floor while my mother did intimate things. I remember plugging my brothers ears in the bath tub so he couldn’t hear it. I remember giving my brother my blanket in the middle of the night because he was so cold...I remember when my other brother was born. I remember cleaning up after him, so many diapers. I remember the small dirty bathroom in the upstairs house. I remember my room being so messy the floors wouldn’t be visible. I remember getting yelled at by my grandma. I remember when my Tia moved in with us. I remember getting yelled at for wearing mascara. I remember staying home with my brother while you and the baby and my step dad went out. I remember having to sneak food around because you wouldn’t let us eat your sweets. I remember when we moved. I remember all the promises you made for a better life. I remember the house getting so messy it stunk. I remember the laundry piling up. I remember your rooms floor having ever shirt known to mankind tossed on the floor. I remember cleaning the entire house, over and over and over again. everyday the same routine, downstairs, dining room, kitchen, bathrooms. I remember that every mess i cleaned wasn’t mine. I remember changing your sons diapers, taking him baths. I remember crying so hard because he wouldn’t listen to me. I remember babysitting everyday of one summer, while sleeping on the floor on the phone with my friend. I remember when you took me out of my middle school, away from my friends. I remember you leaving me alone with your kids all the time, every night to go get drunk and party. I remember living off of “whatever’s in the kitchen” and half eaten bar food. I remember having to stay up till 4 in the morning so that I could let you in the house cause you probably got so drunk you forgot your keys. I remember crying because of how aggressive you got when you were drunk. I remember locking my door when you and my step dad would fight. I remember trying to sneak out to go eat. I remember you calling me a whore. I remember when you two split up. I again remember moving and I remember your promises. I remember you not letting me move in with my dad, my brother moved out..i stayed in this toxic enviroment. I remember how good we were doing..you were doing the first week. I remember how quickly it all fell apart. I remember waking up, going to school, coming home and cleaning the whole house before you came home. I remember I did this everyday, the entire house..I cleaned it from floor to shelves. I remember crying in my room because of how frustrated I was about not having food. I remember babysitting my brother(s) all the time, forever. I remember the first time hector called me mommy. I remember doing laundry, doing dishes, picking up garbage around the house, changing the cat litter, organizing, vacuuming and wiping, picking up your room. Everyday of the summer. I remember.

will my brothers ? no, because I was there to shield them. I took all the hits. they just were told the tears were healthy.

{ntp}

[amnos-ntp]

mother

you forced me to grow up at a young age. for what?

I took care of your son, myself and your other son. I took care of your house. I put food on the table for me, and my brothers. I made sure our laundry was done. I picked out your kids clothes. I cleaned your kid. I changed his diapers. I took him to the park, I taught him soccer. I used my own money to buy food for him, I used my own money as a 10 year old to pay for school trips. I took care of the other boy, your kid, I taught him how to clean & read and all the important life lessons. I cleaned up after you. I took care of you. I studied hard by myself. I got good grades, on my own. I am so angry at you sometimes..for being the way you are. I am so embarrassed by you too. my excuse and my only guilt is that you’re young, and I took away your childhood and by doing these things for you I’m giving it back. I feel as though I’m a burden, but aren’t we all?

I love you mom, I just miss the moments when you would be a mom.

{ntp}