amomforgottenbutnotgone-blog

[amomforgottenbutnotgone-blog]

Answers

Sorry I have not posted in a while. Some family issues had come up that demanded my time. Nothing serious, but as you all know, any distraction is a good distraction. Recently I was asked how I get through the day to day, knowing my son has pushed me aside. I was also asked why I keep trying. The answer to the first is much harder than the second. So I will answer the second first. Because he is my son. He may not recognize it, his father may try and wipe me from his existence, but I will always be his mother. I will never give up on him. I may have stepped back a bit, but I always think about him. That doesn't ever change. To answer the first question, honestly, sometimes I don't know. Faith, maybe? Stubbornness, definitely. I remind myself, that even though I am not perfect, nothing I have done deserved what I received from my ex. The lies, the twisting of facts, the false accusations. He loved me once, he wanted to marry me. But when things changed, all of a sudden I became some monster. Even into late 2012, well into our custody case, he was texting me, flirting with me. So I know really it had nothing to do with me and more to do with his ego. And knowing that, knowing the things he's said and done, I can't help but believe our son will some day come around and see the truth for what it is. I may be an old lady at that point, but our son will have questions. Questions his father cannot answer. That is how I do it. Well that and therapy :)

[amomforgottenbutnotgone-blog]

The Call

Last night a received a call from my son’s grandmother (my ex’s mother). To say I was shocked, is an understatement. It’s been almost 6 years since I have had any contact with them. I did send a letter at the start of the custody dispute, but I didn’t nor did I really expect, a response. My ex is their son after all. Now that the legal stuff is over, and our son is 18, there isn’t any ramifications for them. I clearly have no ill will towards them as it was such a difficult situation and if I were in their shoes, I am not sure what I would have done. 

It was a lovely almost three hour conversation. Not all of it about the situation either, which was nice. We used to chat periodically for an hour or so at a time, so it was nice and familiar. I have missed talking to her because she really is a no nonsense woman. She will tell you if you are acting like an idiot, but she also has the kindest heart, always sending our son care packages for random holidays or just because she was thinking of him. She was like that with everyone. If she saw something she thought you would like, she would buy it. That is how I started my milk glass collection, with her seeing them at an estate sale and thinking I would like them. I still have the pieces she bought me. 

I know it wasn’t always easy for her, listening to me, complain about her son or vice versa and I do feel bad that I put her in that position. I just didn’t know who else to talk to that understood where I was coming from since she knows her son better than anyone. So while we didn’t talk for years, I did still send her Christmas cards with our son’s school picture, the few years I was able to get them. Just as a way to let them know I did think about them. Interestingly enough, she told me that she spoke to my son on his birthday a month ago and kind of chided him a bit that she received his Senior picture from me and not him. She did tell me that when she talks to him she does on occasion mention me or remind him that he wouldn't be here if it wasn’t for me. I can’t even express how beyond grateful I am for that. For five years I have wondered if anyone reminded my son he had a mother that loves him very much. I know my ex certainly wouldn’t do anything like that as he was trying to erase me from his life. I know my ex’s older sister wouldn’t do that either as she has her own issues. Coincidentally, it amazes me that she, of all people would have some kind of relationship with my son. She, who would send Christmas cards to the house addressed to my ex only, despite the fact that my son and I lived with him. She was the cause of so much turmoil. I have an email from my ex when we broke up that he had it out with her and wanted nothing to do with her and he was sorry he never defended me or our son, to her. So I find it pretty disgusting but not really all that surprising that he would allow her back in his life, yet still keeps me from our son. But they have very similar personalities, so....

It came out in the call that she hasn’t talked to my ex in years, that while she talks to our son a few times a year, she has no contact with my ex. Which is sad and pathetic. I am not sure how much of it is because she kind of disagreed with what he was doing to me or because of other issues he has. It doesn’t sound like his new relationship is all that great either and seems he has caused some issues in that family where he was fighting with her brother. His mother and I chuckled a bit over that, that he just hasn’t changed. It’s his way or no way. And that if you slight him in some way, even if you didn’t mean to, that you were then dead to him. I know that full well!

Clearly I am not trying to get her to pick sides, because at the end of the day, as I would as well, you are going to defend your child. But I think finally, for me, it was the validation I needed to hear from someone on the other side of this, that knows my ex very, very well, that it really wasn’t all my fault. Last night was the best night of sleep I have had in a very long time.

[amomforgottenbutnotgone-blog]

Getting Started

Not too many people are aware of or know about Parental Alienation. People believe that if your child doesn’t want to have a relationship with you, that you must have done something to deserve it. You must have done something to cause it. What people do not realize, is that sometimes, your only offence, is breaking free of control. Four years ago this month, I lost my son. Not to violence, not to tragedy, but to PA (Parental Alienation). I didn’t even know what that was four years ago. It took an attorney and therapist to explain to me what was happening and why my son decided he wanted nothing to do with me. Since then, I have done a lot of research and investigating. It’s a scary thing to witness and even more scary to have it happen to you. 

To begin, no parent is perfect. It doesn’t exist. And I won’t make excuses for my mistakes along the way. What I am hoping people understand is that it does exist and perhaps have a little sympathy or empathy for those in the middle of it. That is why I chose the username I did; while I may be forgotten, I am not gone. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about my son.

What I have noticed though is that more and more children of PA are stepping forward. That takes a tremendous amount of courage, because going against their Alienator is a very scary thing. That said, I feel for the ones that can’t or don’t know that it’s even happening. 

How does it start? That’s a question I ask myself over and over again. And for me, I think it started long before I was alienated from my son. You just don’t take into account the little jabs or mocking. You never think there is going to be a day your child turns against you. You gave life to this person, you spent your life taking care of them, nursing them whey they are sick, championing them when they are feeling down, loving them every single moment of their life. But it happens.

I can tell you the day it turned though. My ex and I were in the middle of a custody dispute and I had texted and emailed multiple times to confirm my coming to see my son for the weekend. I received no response. Now, in the past, if I did not receive expressed permission to see our son, I was not allowed to see him and worse, if I showed up anyway, my ex would call the police. I didn’t want to take any chances because we were in the middle of this dispute, so I didn’t go down, and the night I was to go and see our son, I emailed the father expressing my disappointment in his lack of response and said he would have to let me know another time to see him. Interestingly enough, he responded to that message and said I was blowing off our son and he was making other plans with our son. A few days later I also received a message from our son accusing me of blowing him off. How are you blowing someone off when you send multiple messages to confirm (at the fathers demands) but the other person never responds? I tried to explain this to our son, but he didn’t want to hear it. What is sad is that our son, a couple months before, asked to see me one weekend and when I reached out to the father to arrange this, he told me I was not allowed to see him, despite our sons request. So I didn’t go down. (So maybe you can see why, when he didn’t respond to my inquiries to confirm a few months later, I didn’t just assume to go down.) When our son asked me, I told him his father said they had other plans. When he asked his father, he told our son he had no idea what I was talking about and that he never said such things and that I clearly made other plans. Should I have shown our son the emails that his father told me no? Looking back, part of me thinks yes, but then why do I want to put our son in the middle of it? That is the struggle I live with every day. Should I have just shown up anyway? Maybe. But if you knew the history, maybe you can understand my hesitation.

I am starting this blog as a way to help me process and to bring awareness. The thoughts and stories may jump around a bit, but I will try to keep it chronologically correct as best I can. Hopefully to show how it can start and how to intervene before it becomes too late. And even more so, how to correct and avoid the mistakes I did.

Thank you.