amsrober02-blog - Tumblr blog

amsrober02-blog · 4 years ago

Text

Wrestling Match

Faith is a confusing thing isn’t it? Why do we choose to have faith? Is it because we want to believe that there is a higher power out there watching out for us? Is it because we want to know we are loved and cared for? Is it because we want to experience unconditional love so we can show it as well? Is it so you have your ticket into a first class after life? Is it because we’ve experienced the grace and mercy of God and realize that this life isn’t worth living without Him in it?

I’m not going to lie. I can probably take a little from all of those options along with several other reasons. One thing I have learned over the past few years about my faith, however, is that faith takes work. It isn’t a declaration you make once, get dipped into the holy waters of baptism, and then lock it with a key knowing that “you’re good now” for the rest of your life. No. This is just the beginning of a beautiful, difficult, out of this world relationship.

Knowing where and how to start this blog is confusing for me, so I’m just going to let the Holy Spirit take the reins here and do that part. I was baptized “for real” when I was 16 in front of some of my closest friends one night at youth group. This was my second time. The first time was when I was 9. That was a long time ago, but I remember thinking that I believed in God back then and understood that He died to save me for my sins so that I could go to Heaven one day. I just remember feeling like it was the right thing to do. I spoke to my minister about it at the time and everyone determined I was ready. I did it in front of the entire church body and was congratulated by everyone afterward by the door to go home. I felt like I was part of the “in crowd” now. Jesus modeled baptism in the Bible, so we believed we should model it as well. I still 100% agree with this. Despite any other denominations (I’m nondenominational) I choose to do what the Bible says. Period.

Do not get me wrong. I don’t think I did anything wrong. I think I did the right thing. But I think my decision as a 16 year old was for different reasons. My faith had grown and I began to notice my need for a savior in different ways than I did as a 9 year old. I’m not here to encourage anyone to get baptized multiple times, but I am here to say that if the Lord brings you to it, you should do it. So far I haven’t read anything in the Bible saying that multiple baptisms will send you to hell, so that’s good. Lol!

Well, back to present day. My life the past two years has been treacherous. My faith has literally been a rollercoaster. There have been times that I’ve been so angry at God that I have cussed at him, screamed at Him, and told Him that he was a fake. Yet…. Despite all of these angry words and accusations, I never walked away. I thought I wanted to several times, but I never did. This was my own private choice that didn’t include any other humans and their opinions about my walk with the Lord or my relationship with Him.

I have lots of Christian friends and mentors in my life, thankfully. There are a select few that when they say they’re praying, I know they are. Now, I feel like I need to say this right now and declare it’s truth. God is NOT a genie in a bottle. I do not believe that just because you ask for it that it will be given to you- regardless of your pure motives. I also believe that His answer doesn’t depend on your behavior, your faith, or the right combination of words. I do not believe in the prosperity gospel (which is basically that God is here to serve you and give you all of your desires). I know it says in the Bible that if you ask and believe it has been given to you, then it is. But I also believe that what has been given to you may not be in the form or the timing that you had planned on. That can be extremely difficult for our 21st century, give it to me now, impatient, selfish minds to wrap around. Trust me. I KNOW and empathize with you. I’ve gone into many surgeries, treatments, and sleepless nights asking for things that I NEEDED, yet did not feel like I received. I mean seriously, what harm would it be to give me a good night’s rest?

I do NOT know why God chooses the timing He chooses and I also do NOT understand why He won’t just explain to me His reasonings behind His decisions. It would be so much easier if He did. There are a few things I do know about the character of God and this is what I hold onto when I don’t understand His actions (or the seemingly lack there of).

1. He is our Savior- John 3:16 (For God so loved the world that He gave His only son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life).

2. He is our Lord- Philippians 2:9-11 (Therefore God also has highly exalted Him and given Him the name which is above every other name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of those in heaven, and of those on earth, and of those under the earth, and that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father).

3. He is Love- Romans 5:8 (But God demonstrate His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us). This is a big one for me because it’s important to notice that He loves us unconditionally. He didn’t die for us because we earned it. He died for us because we weren’t perfect. That means that He loves me even when I yell at Him and call Him names. He knew that day on the cross that I would do that one day, yet He still died for me.

4. Jesus is Peace- Psalm 29:11 (The Lord will give strength to His people; The Lord will bless His people with peace).

5. Jesus is your Forgiveness- Ephesians 1:7 (In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace). I love this one too because it mentions grace. We don’t earn forgiveness. It’s freely given because He died for it.

6. He is our righteousness- 2 Corinthians 5:21 (For He made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him). Again…. We have righteousness because He loved us so much to actually BECOME sin- the one thing that His Father detested so much. On that cross, our sin killed Him. Why? Because He literally loved us so much that He wanted to spend eternity with us in Heaven. That’s a lot of love to want to spend eternity with someone.

7. He is our Deliverer- John 8:32, 36

(And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free. Therefore if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed).

8. Jesus is your Fellowship- 1 John 1:3 (That which we have seen and heard we declare to you, that you also may have fellowship with us; and truly our fellowship is with Father and with His Son Jesus Christ). This means that we have constant access to Him at all hours of the day and night. Sometimes our fellowship with Him is also made through other believers which is so special.

9. He is our Example- 1 John 3:16 (By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us. And we also ought to lay down our lives for others). Huge ask right? I love the connection between this and regular John 3:16. Notice this is 1 John. This brings me back to modern day. He laid down His life, literally for us. He is telling us that we should be willing to do the same for others. Think of this also in figurative terms. How can we show others Jesus today? Wearing a mask? Vaccinating? Leaving a kind note. Listen a little more instead of always talking? If He is our example, we too should be an example of Him to others so they can see Him and have the chance to have a relationship with Him also. This isn’t about us. It’s about Him. It’s about others. Take the spotlight off yourself for once. Yes, I’m speaking to myself as well. We all should be doing a better job as Christians!

10. He is our Companion (Are you singing the Golden Girls song right now)? John 14:18 (I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you). We all can consider ourselves orphans without an almighty God. I have a dad who refused to be a part of my life, so this verse really hits home in more ways than one.

11. He is our Brother- Galatians 3:26- (For you are all sons (or daughters) of God through faith in Christ Jesus).

12. Jesus is our Guardian- Isaiah 43:2 (When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, Not shall the flame scorch you).

This is one of favorite verses because it shows that we will go through hard times in our lives. We live in a fallen world. BUT- unlike Jesus experienced with His death on the cross, He will never have to forsake us because of His sacrifice. This does NOT mean healing will come on this side of heaven. This does not mean that pain will subside every time. This does not mean bad things won’t happen. But He will carry us. He will hold us every step of the way- like the poem about footprints in the sand. He will carry our burdens if we let Him. He will provide peace that makes no sense. He will provide love that we don’t deserve. This life is NOT the end. Thank you, Jesus!

13. He is our Security- John 10:27-29 (My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me. And I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; neither shall anyone snatch them out of My hand. My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all; and no one is able to snatch them out of My Father’s hand). I love this verse especially now because not only do I feel protected, but it sort of mocks the ongoing false messages that have been rocking our world. Even Christians themselves have given sheep a bad name- saying that being a sheep is equivalent to being a slave to the government. Yes, sheep are stupid, but God calls us His sheep in an endearing way. A shepherd watches over His sheep because He cares about them and loves them very much. I’ll proudly call myself a sheep because of this verse right here.

14. Jesus is your Sufficiency- Matthew 21:22 (And whatever things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive). I chose this verse out of the many because of the obvious controversy behind its words. I believe that this verse is nestled between other words so if taken out of context (like so many other verses in the Bible that Satan uses to confuse us) we can be misled. I believe that Jesus wants us to come to Him for everything, even dumb things. I have a friend who prayed to find an earring at Kroger that fell out. Yah it was “just” jewelry, but she was faithful and prayed for it anyway. She told the manager at Kroger about it and showed her the matching one. The manager let her know that if it showed up, she’d get back to her. The next day she got a call that the earring had been found and she could come get it. How awesome right? I mean a lot of things had to fall into place. 1- it had to be found. 2- it had be found by a person that would take the time to pick it up. 3. It had be found by a person who would pick it up and not only not steal it, not throw it away, but walk it up to the service desk to hopefully find an owner. That’s a lot of detail. My friend’s faith story showed me that I should continue to believe that not only He Can, but that He will. It may not look like how I would have pictured it. My answer may not come when I wanted it, but God says we will receive. Whatever we receive will be given from a God of love who died for us.

15. He is our Fulfillment- Psalm 107:9 (For He satisfies the longing soul, And fills the hungry soul with goodness). He is all we need. He will give us the fulfilling life we long for, but it is not by any means the life that the world defines as fulfilling. This is why it’s a beautiful thing to read books and watch videos about those who have lived very difficult lives (health, financially, circumstancially)yet still find fulfillment. This can only be for one reason. Jesus. Who wouldn’t want this? We can’t find fulfillment via the world’s terms. It’s a trick. The world just wants you to keep spending money, keep trying those fad diets, keep competing for whatever it is that you feel is fulfilling, only to find that you’re still feeling empty despite your greatest attempts. It’s a sad, deceitful trick.

16. Jesus is your Everything. This is the last one. Philippians 4:19 (And my God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus). Now don’t be deceived here. His riches are not our definition of riches. I don’t think His riches include a brand new corvette or a million dollar mansion. Nothing about Jesus’ life screamed money, fortune, and fame. Jesus’ life screamed humility, love, and giving. His way of being our everything is by perfectly fulfilling our lives the way that he designed it to be. With the fall of man in the garden of Eden and the beginning of sin, we lost sight of perfect unity with God. That perfect unity was there to provide for our every desire. Our desires were pure and perfect, but showed an obvious NEED for a savior. Our souls still yearn for that, but satan has done a pretty fantastic job of putting a veil over our eyes in that department and making the world’s view of “our everything,” crystal clear. This is overall the reason for the fall of humanity and our struggle with so much sin. It’s killing us slowly through our physical health, our finances, our relationships, and our mental health.

Faith requires action. So back to my main point. Wrestling. Satan has made it very difficult for me to keep my focus where it should be. Sometimes I get so completely lost that I find myself in pitch black, feeling helpless and alone. I literally cannot find my way out and this is when the wrestling starts. I could just give up, but my God won’t forsake me. Instead I start asking questions embedded in doubt and anger, but the Lord is bigger than that. He has provided me with amazing mentors who allow the Lord to speak through them. He provided me with a book I got for Christmas from my husband’s grandmother entitled, “God’s promises for your every need.” That book was my guide in writing this blog. I only came to this book because satan took a piece of scripture out of context through one of my Bible studies that read: “Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not! “So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.” (Matthew 7:10-11)

Her perfect response was given after a good night sleep and prayer. The Holy Spirit told her to remind me to hold onto the character of God. This was followed by a video of the most relevant sermon that I’ve ever watched about, “Can God be good when life is not?” This pastor was living in a dark time with a sick daughter who has been fighting a debilitating autoimmune disorder. His words and the scripture he used broke me. This entire cycle of doubting, asking, praying, and studying is a wrestling match that in itself is a miracle because I’ve spent the past two hours AWAKE studying and writing to you when I shouldn’t have the energy to do so. I can feel myself fading just in the knick of time as I end this blog with one sentence. Do not give up: wrestle.

‭‭

0 notes

amsrober02-blog · 4 years ago

Text

Ready

It has been a long time coming, but I’m ready. I’m ready to know how much time I may have left. I understand it’s an estimate at best, but I’m hoping it’s soon. I’m tired of this life and the stress I bring to my family. It just needs to end.

0 notes

amsrober02-blog · 4 years ago

Text

Resolutions

It’s that time of year- the time when people start thinking of ways to better themselves in the year to come. With a turn of the page of a calendar, we symbolize a fresh start, a new day, a new beginning. It’s no secret that I’m not a fan of new year resolutions- mainly because I feel like I’m setting myself up for failure. I’m not great at sticking to things because I get bored easily. I like change (weird, I know- unless it comes to recipes. Don’t mess with my favorite foods). I like to try new things, go to new places, and I sort of ebb and flow between taking it easy and being busy. I like both depending on my mood and the season.

One thing I do like to do when the new year comes is reflect. I like to look back at my year to see what I’ve accomplished, how I’ve changed, and where I’ve missed the mark. This past year for the most part wasn’t horrible. I was on a targeted therapy for most of it. I felt pretty great. We went on vacations to Florida and Tennessee with small trips in between. I got to teach remotely- which was quite the experience! We had a wonderful summer for the most part as well! I started a new job at the intermediate building and I’m loving it. I learned to not take time for granted, but instead took notice in random moments that would bring me to tears. I remember one particular moment this past summer. Our family was on vacation for Hunter’s baseball tournament in TN. The kids were off doing their thing and Anthony and I decided to go on this gigantic water slide. I love stuff like this! I screamed the entire way down and we laughed until we cried. Coming off that slide, I looked at Anthony and said, “It feels so good to just feel normal. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to this feeling.” I ate great all week, had a few adult beverages, and we stayed up late with friends and family hanging out and playing games. It was the sweetest goodbye to a wonderful summer.

At the end of the summer, however, cancer decided to show its ugly face in the form of swollen lymph nodes. We tried a clinical trial, which failed and put me in the hospital with a nearly complete blockage. Ever since, I have been so sick and so weak. I have found myself feeling hopeless again and depressed. I’m tired all the time- mostly due to my weak state, but part of me wonders how much is mental. I have zero appetite- same scenario. One thing I noticed today, however, is that I haven’t talked to God much. If you are thinking like I am, you might ask yourself, “Girl, how can you even afford to not be in tune with the Lord right now?” The truth is, I can’t. I spent the better part of our holidays sleeping. Each Christmas we went to found me on a couch or with my head on a table asleep. My energy and my emotional state were both in turmoil. I found myself wondering if this might be my last Christmas; and how sad to spend it like this. Looking at my other friends and family thriving, spending time doing amazing things, and setting goals for the upcoming year left me feeling inadequate as my only focus was just to survive. Why God? Why this life? Why us?

I believe we are always under attack, but especially when we are hit with low blows. With the return of cancer comes chemotherapy and lots of extra TLC needed from my family and friends. This wears them down at a rate very close to how quickly I’m being worn down. I need Jesus all the time, and especially now. I CANNOT let my guard down. I must always be ready for battle. I must trust God with my health, my life, and my time here on earth. I don’t know why He chose this vessel. I am no one special. There are so many people with a faith bigger than mine. But you know what? In the Bible, Jesus tended to use some of the scariest people (Paul killed Christians and then found Jesus). He used weak people (David was just a shepherd boy who killed a giant). He used people hated by society (Matthew was a tax collector that became a disciple). Jesus likes a challenge because HE IS ABLE!

So, I’m not making a resolution because this is nothing new. I am just going to get back on track. Reflection requires action. We can always always better ourselves, but I need to remember where my hope comes from. I am NOT in a hopeless situation. That is a lie. Right above my bed we have the verse Jeremiah 29:11- “For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.” That verse is literally in my face every time I go to bed and every time I rise, but somehow, satan has hidden it from my view. He has camoflauged it in plain site. This battle is long, painful, and hard. I cannot do it alone. I’ve never had to, and I never will. I may be weak, but He is strong. It’s His time to shine through me.

0 notes

amsrober02-blog · 4 years ago

Text

One Day to the Next

We are one week into Christmas break. We got to spend two days with our Indiana family. The kids were thrilled to see their cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents. They were spoiled rotten with more gifts and money than they could ever need or want. So did Anthony and I. Now we are home and we are trying to put our house back together. And when I say “we” I mean Anthony and the kids.

I have felt pretty much worthless the past several weeks. I know that I am, actually. I am constantly in a state of fatigue. I wake up tired, spend the day tired, and just wait for bed time to come. Some nights I’m in bed before 8 pm. I’m irritable to the point where I can’t even stand to be around anyone at some points. Then I feel extreme guilt. I don’t have the energy to do simple tasks like cook for myself or even put things away. I am absolutely just existing.

This is where I need your prayers. It’s really hard for me to find joy when all I am capable of is short requests and sleeping. I don’t even have the energy or attention span to watch tv most of the time. On weeks that I work, I pour all my energy into those kids. Then I feel guilty when I come home and have nothing left for my family. I feel tremendous guilt for not being present for my kids. I’m able to be at all of their shows and games, sure, but I am not “there” any other time. There are days when I don’t even see them because they go to school early and I’m in bed before they get home from their commitments.

My biggest issue is how this is affecting my family. It’s like there is this dark cloud over our home all the time. I see depression in my husband’s eyes. I see apathy in my kids’ eyes. Nothing feels or seems right anymore. I hate the effect this has had on my family. I’m so afraid that this cancer is going to steal days, months, and years from my family. I often wonder if it’ll be easier when I’m gone or if it’ll just prolong the agony and pain that this disease has caused. I feel trapped and completely alone. I know this doesn’t make sense because I have so many loved ones who care and help us on a consistent basis.

I never thought that I would still be fighting cancer. It has been over two years now. Some say that this isn’t a race, it’s a marathon. I’m at the point in the race where my legs quit working and I’m crawling on my belly to the finish line that I can’t even see. It’s still too far away. Spectators are feeling sorry for me, so they reach out to help. All I can do is keep going until I can’t anymore. What kind of life is this?

0 notes

amsrober02-blog · 4 years ago

Text

Merry Christmas

Today is the day, Christmas 2021. It was a typical year with the chaos of moving house to house, visiting family we haven’t seen since last year, good food and good conversation. I loved that so much for my loved ones and for my kids.

I feel so blessed that we were able to make the three hour trek to Indiana to celebrate. I had pretty crazy anxiety thinking about sleeping somewhere else and being under the constant scrutinizing eyes of family to make sure that I’m “ok.” Overall, the week went well. We were able to visit everyone, I was able to eat pretty well, and the kids enjoyed seeing their cousins, aunts and uncles, and grandparents!

The only issue we really dealt with are pretty typical in our house- pain and fatigue. I have a lot of medications to get me through what I need to get through, but it was a battle. I fell asleep sitting up at every single Christmas. I fell asleep the entire way to the house, and some of them I slept through most of the Christmas celebration without knowing it. At Anthony’s grandparent’s house, things got emotional as some that haven’t seen me in a couple of years saw my frail state. I felt many arms and hands rub my back and my head as they prayed for healing over me. I couldn’t help but let the floodgates open. I honestly had wanted to cry since the moment we left our house. I should feel nothing but blessed that we could even make this trip, but selfishly, I wanted more. I wanted some normalcy.

I guess I was hoping that I would be able to at least pretend that I felt well. I could pull off the energetic aunt that I usually am for sure. But no- in fact, my energy levels were so low that I couldn’t even get off the couch to walk across the room to roll the dice in a game we were playing. Oftentimes I was too tired to smile or even engage in conversation. I felt like a dark cloud on a bright day everywhere I went. I was the reminder of all of the bad things this life can provide. I worried my kids as they continually asked if I was okay. They wanted me to enjoy myself just as much as they wanted to enjoy themselves.

I wonder if Christmas will ever look the same again. As I fast forward a year from now, I see myself either worse and reaching end of life, or I see myself improving and beginning on the targeted drug therapy. I just wish there was a cure. I wish they could get in there with their knives and super powered binoculars and just cut out all the cancer. I wish that this wasn’t happening to me, to us, to my family. I wish that I could just have normalcy back. That’s all I want. Nothing fancy. Just normalcy.

0 notes

amsrober02-blog · 4 years ago

Text

Finding Joy in the Darkness

I spent the first two hours of our delayed Thanksgiving celebration with my family in the typical, unusual sleeping position: on my knees on the floor with my head laying on the bed. My stomach was so messed up that I couldn’t even manage to sit at the table with everyone for dinner. I cried and then I gave into the exhaustion and just went to sleep. Anthony sat with me for a good while, rubbing my back and doing his best to help in a helpless situation. I’m not sure how I got so lucky to have this man in my corner.

After those two hours I was able to come join everyone. There is nothing I hate more than pity. I hate walking into a room full of people who know that I’m struggling. But my family knows how to handle me and they just went about the evening as if I’d been there the whole time. We played games, I eventually ate something, and we ended the evening on a good note.

It hit me tonight that this may be as good as it gets. What if I don’t get better? What if I have to live with this pain for the rest of my life (however long that might be)? I guess it’s just a rhetorical question because no one knows the future. It’s just a thought that honestly makes me sad and a little scared. I think about last year when I felt normal. I often would look at Anthony and tell him how amazing it felt to feel good, to have a normal day, to be able to cook for the family and clean the house. It felt good to just have normal days just like everyone else. I don’t think I ever took one single day for granted. I thought about it everyday and really just experienced such joy in that season.

Now I’m in a new season- a valley. It’s dark and painful. I’m already over it and just want it to be over, but for whatever reason, I’m here. Again. I’ve experienced seasons of pain- many times, but never did I question whether this would be it. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m reaching the end of treatment options or if it’s because I’m rounding year two and headed into year 3 of cancer treatment. Maybe it’s a lack of faith and the ability to believe in my own personal miracle. I’m honestly just so tired of fighting. I’m tired of of being tired. I’m tired of not feeling well. I’m tired of the unknown and the inevitable.

To finish up my thoughts, it has also occurred to me that I need to be willing to find joy in this season despite the pain, fatigue, and upset stomachs. Even though this part of life sucks, it’s still my life and I must live it. I have two children still who need me and a husband to love. I ask that you help me by praying that I can find joy despite it all. I know it’s possible because the Bible tells me it is. In 1 Thessalonians 5 he says, “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”

0 notes

amsrober02-blog · 4 years ago

Text

Chemo Day: Take Two

Tomorrow is the big day. By 8AM, I will be dressed and ready and in the lab getting blood tests to make sure my body is ready to handle the poison that awaits it.

It’s so much different going into chemo the second time. In some ways, I have more peace because I have an idea of what’s coming. In other ways, I’m terrified because I know what’s coming. It’s a double standard. I’ve been warned that this chemo will make me feel sick pretty quickly- maybe even while I’m in the chair getting the infusion. I’ve been researching nausea medications all weekend and sent a long list to my nurse so she can have them on hand to try. I’ll do anything to avoid vomiting.

It truly is the most soul shattering feeling to know that you have done everything you’re supposed to do and more to make this disease go away, but it continues to come back. I’ve been praying a lot for peace. I haven’t felt well since my surgery. The cramping and muscle pains have been so agonizing that I’ve questioned how this is going to go with the pain and nausea hand in hand. At what point does your body say enough is enough and just give up? But then I woke up yesterday and the pain wasn’t there. I kept waiting for it to come back yesterday, but it didn’t. I felt like a new person. It’s not the first day that I’ve had a good day, so I expected to wake up in pain today, but I didn’t. I feel pretty good today too. The only issue I have really is just the unsettling appetite issues- idk what will settle well and what won’t, so I have to eat small, frequent meals and snacks. Today, though, I’m thanking God for the work He is obviously doing in my body. I have to trust His process. That’s the hardest part.

I haven’t nor will I ever come up with my own strength. My strength comes from the Lord, alone. He is my Fortress and my Stronghold. He is the One that holds me up when I am too weak to stand. He is the one that provides healing at the exact right times. He is the one that makes the impossible, possible. He is the one who provides peace that surpasses all understanding. He is my Rock. I am not responsible for any sort of inspiration or moral. I am only a seed, a tool for Him to use to show how great and perfect it is to be held by Him. We only get a taste of what it feels like here on earth. The truth is, it isn’t always warm and fuzzy either. You know when you are listening to a worship song and you get to your favorite part and you can’t help but lift your arms in praise? The tears start streaming down your face. Goosebumps may form on the back of your neck. Well, during this process, I haven’t felt God until I’ve looked back at the moments I’ve experienced. It is then that I’ve seen God. I am able to look back and see the path He laid for me. It is then that I’m able to see how He held me. It is then that I’m able to see how far and wide His love truly goes when all I was a hot mess, screaming my lungs out like a child. He never grows tired of loving me. There is nothing I can do to separate from Him. I didn’t have to do anything to earn His love and I never will. And that…. That is when I feel the peace I’ve been looking for. It’s these gentle reminders, these glimpses on rewind in my mind that take me back to the places He has been.

So when we may not feel His presence in the moment, I promise you that He is there. When it feels like all hope is lost, I can promise you that it’s not. When it feels like your world is caving in, He is there holding up the walls. The world will threaten to crush us, but He is the giver of life. In Him, anything is possible.

1 note · View note

amsrober02-blog · 4 years ago

Text

To Live or to Die

I’m going to share something a little embarrassing, maybe a little vulnerable. I often sit and wonder what others will say about me when I die. Will they say, “She fought hard to the end?” Will they say, “She had lived life to the fullest?” Will they say, “She loved Jesus so much?”

I sit and wonder what my eulogy will sound like. Who will read it? Who will write it? Will everyone cry or will they be glad that I don’t have to deal with this pain anymore? Will they be glad my family can finally move on from this nightmare and start living the life they deserve?”

I won’t really know now, or maybe ever because people will say what they really mean when I’m gone. I’ll be honest and say that I know that I won’t live a full life. I’ll be lucky if I get through another two at the rate I’m going. This isn’t because I’m a negative thinker. This isn’t because I’m giving up. No doctor has told me this either. It’s because I can feel it. Some days just breathing is too much work. Some days I look at how this consumes the emotions, well-being and life out of everyone who cares about me.

No one wants to see someone suffer. It’s scary, inhumane, and very uncomfortable. There have been more and more moments recently where I’ve stumped doctors and nurses about how to help me: how to help me mentally, physically, and emotionally. They can’t calm me when I’m manic. They can’t control my pain. They can’t slow the cancer down. Sometimes they don’t know how to help me survive til the next week. And that terrifies me.

What happens when we get to the point where there is nothing more they can do? I thought a lot about my friend Amanda who died a few months ago. She died a terrible, slow death at home. She had the most optimistic attitude, faith in God, and a love for life and family. I don’t share all of those same attributes. I often am pessimistic. My faith is like a rollercoaster. I do love my family deeply- so deeply that I feel like I would do anything to make their lives easier, better. I think about her often because dying that way seems so cruel and so awful. My heart breaks for her and her family daily and I wonder what good could have come from that. They will live with those scars for the rest of their lives.

It isn’t proper in this world to say that you yearn for death; and depending on the day, I wouldn’t say that I do. Sometimes that very thought terrifies me because like others, we don’t understand how wonderful heaven will be. We rely on our faith to believe that the afterlife will be what the Bible says it will be. Having faith like that is an action- a lifestyle, and that is mind-altering to say the least.

On the other hand, to desire to live against all odds- through: allowing poison to flow through your veins, to vomit repeatedly hour after hour, day after day, and to turn around with a smile on your face and say it’s worth it to live another day- that seems just as insane. Who is that good for? Is that good for your family who has to care for you; just to see you breathing and existing another day, hoping for a miracle that may or may not come? Is it helpful to the students that I abandon because I’m too ill to come to work? Is it helpful for our finances or our future as we allow bills to pile up just so we can survive? To live seems pretty selfish too.

Cancer is the epitome of evil and turmoil and I would wish it on no one. I’ve watched it transform my body and mind into shapes and forms that I didn’t know existed inside me. I’ve also watched God use those disgusting parts for good and He’s done amazing things in and through my life. I take zero credit for any of it. Sometimes I wonder what the overall purpose of all of this will be. I may never know. They say I will when I get to heaven- that God will reveal all of it, but I’m not sure that will be the case either. Maybe we will rely on that faith even into death.

In conclusion, I know that what will happen will happen, but I feel like discussing death should be just as important as discussing life. Suffering cannot go on forever, thankfully. But I struggle with what would be best for my loved ones: having me here or leaving them with the good memories we have already shared. It’s a very real and difficult thought to process and I wish that I didn’t have to face this at all. I wish I could live my life like everyone else and die one day, hopefully peacefully in my sleep without lots of drugs and pain medicines. To know that death is coming and watching your life deteriorate before your own eyes leaves myself and those I love questioning everything. We are constantly readjusting our views on life and the reasons God might be allowing these things to happen. We are finding what we all are made of and wondering how much longer we will have to fight this losing battle. I wonder what we will all say when we look back on these years. Will they be looked at fondly because they saw someone who fought hard with grace and might? Or will they shove these memories underground and pack them down with a shovel because they’re too painful to look at even when it’s over? I’d imagine there would be a little bit of both.

Life isn’t as black and white as I thought it was. Cancer fighting isn’t what I thought it was. Nothing was as it seems, and I guess I’ll just have to live with that and so will you.

0 notes

amsrober02-blog · 4 years ago

Text

In a hospital bed on Monday a afternoon. I don’t know what happened to Sunday. I must have been drugged up enough that I lost track of time.

In these hospitals I’ve been forced to try and do things that I didn’t want to do, spoken down to and watched them treat each other other and patients the same if not worse.

My disease has progressed to a point that it scares doctors. They know standard of care,but they know that’s not the final say.

Today I sit , day 2, starved while they formulate a plan. One seemed to be one worth hearing; but a word he said set me off and I went off the deep end big time. Loud screaming, crying, cussing, calling name sad hitting, breaking things, and yet still feeling totally alone as I kept hearing the words (I’m so sorry! I can totally understand what you must be going through.”

They want to go into my stomach and put in a tube that will alleviate the pressure. They’ll also do another resection or my colon. The cancer mass will continue to grow, so we need to find another treatment plan. Idk what that is but I’m refusing chemo.

Two things- makes me mad that there are people in health care that don’t want to be here.

Three- I don’t understand how life continues to move when someone is so sick and terrified.

This blog is jumbled and probably has errors. I’m on so many drugs that I’ve lost an entire day. I feel like I’ve been living the last two years on a bright colored yo-yo . Everyone thinks it’s beautiful because of my perspective. What they don’t see are our dirty secrets hidden deep inside the crevices. When things go out well, that yo-yo keeps spinning. When things go wrong, it bends and twists and falls on the ground. That yo-yo will never be a perfect device without Jesus.

As you close up your evening with your friends and families, as you smile at your neighbor, as you get to walk into your job that you love, as you kiss your family goodnight, just know that these are gifts. These aren’t privileges. Savor every moment.

1 note · View note

amsrober02-blog · 4 years ago

Text

BE THE CHANGE

I spend my day working with struggling students. These students come from all walks of life. They often will come walking into my classroom disheveled, overwhelmed, or exhausted. They are often not the popular students. They aren’t the ones who get awards at the end of the year. They are usually the under-achievers or the ones who teachers might call average. I get these students for 30 minutes a day. For 30 minutes, I get to make them feel like they are the most important person on the planet. I get to pull every ounce of positive worth out of these students so that when they leave my room, they feel like a star, they have confidence, and they have drive. My goal is to not only teach them, but to love them hard. Some of these students are not easy to teach. If it isn’t their attention span, it’s their cleanliness. If it isn’t their processing issues, it’s their attitude. These students are a product of their raise- whether it be from a parent, guardian, or a teacher. They have learned how to hide their weaknesses behind a bad behavior, behind their sense of style, or behind their stone cold face. These children are broken. They are in need of something so much more. They are in need of a place that they can go to be themselves- without the facade. They are in need of someone that can help them break down walls so that they can see themselves again. They need a fresh start and a listening ear. They need open arms and an open mind. They need someone who doesn’t think like everyone else. They need someone who isn’t so focused on their own idea of success and instead notices small victories and not just the big ones. They need someone to believe that they are capable of great things- someone to speak truth into them.

One of my children has been struggling with this particular area. She is not the most popular. She struggles with different areas in her life due to her family’s circumstances. She doesn’t fit the mold that so many teachers wish she did. Why do we do this as adults? Why do we feel the need to create these humans that live up to our unrealistic standards? What would happen if we put our own agendas aside? We might see a world we didn’t know existed. That child that comes in with their hair unbrushed, clothes a mess, and keeps falling asleep in class- she was up all night caring for her baby brother because her mom is working 3 jobs to keep their family afloat. That little boy that can’t sit still or keep his hands to himself? He’s not trying to cause trouble, but he has so many sensory issues that he is uncomfortable in his own skin. He wants nothing more than to please you, but he just can’t seem to do that. That girl with the colored hair? She actually gets straight A’s. She’s very artistic and spends her evenings practicing her instrument, watching make up and hair tutorials, and plans to open her own cosmetology business someday. She doesn’t care to fit in with the popular crowd, and her sense of style is her way of expressing her creative side. She wishes others could appreciate that, but they can’t get past the fact that she’s not the cute little blonde who is in all the clubs and runs for class President.

What these kids need is validation that they can be who they are, come as they are, and be accepted and welcomed with open arms. They need to feel that unconditional love from an adult that they strive so hard to please. They may act like they don’t care. They may act up, give you dirty looks, or seem to be absolutely careless with their actions. But maybe that’s because they’ve given up trying to please you. They know that no matter how hard they try, they’ll never live up to your impossible standards because they just don’t fit the mold. And that’s sad isn’t it? As adults, we are called to love no matter what. We are called to pull out every ounce of good from these children so that they can see their worth. For some kids, it’s too late. Their drive is gone. Their self-worth is damaged beyond repair. And it’s your fault. We need to do better, people. We need to love. We need to accept. We need to embrace differences. It’s not easy, but it’s necessary.

0 notes

amsrober02-blog · 4 years ago

Text

A GOOD DAY TO BE ALIVE

It hasn’t felt much like Fall lately, but the past couple of days have felt exactly like Fall. This weekend is our first weekend in awhile that every single one of us didn’t have to be somewhere. I had big plans to do absolutely nothing this weekend- starting with wearing my pjs all day on Saturday!

I did just that too! In addition, I got some cleaning done and pulled all of my fall decor out. We have this amazing farm style shoe rack/coffee bar that my mother in law got us and then personalized. The shoes had begun to take over our kitchen as they filled the shoe rack and spilled over onto the floor (we may or may not have a shoe addiction in this house). I put away 25 pairs of my own shoes. Yep. Not even lying.

The house smells nice and looks festive. It does something for my heart to look around see the house put together. My husband and I sat down and watched the first two new episodes of Locke and Key on Netflix. Afterward I had the best 3 hour nap. I woke up to homemade tacos, Mexican rice, and refried beans. Yum!

Nothing special or spectacular about today, but it was good. Good is something I don’t take for granted. The feelings of FOMO and to-do lists don’t feel worth acknowledging anymore. I just feel blessed to wake up another day with the ability to live a normal life.

I am finishing this blog around 1:30AM. I can’t sleep. Maybe it’s the long nap I had or the fact that Brooklyn isn’t home yet. Maybe it’s my stomach rumbling as it tries to digest everything I ate today. Maybe it’s all of those things. My instinct is to freak out until I finally feel tired, but tonight was different. I opened the bedroom door and walked out into the hallway. I smiled at our new playful kittens as they laid on the heater purring; admiring the unique designs God put into their fur. I giggled as I heard Hunter up way past his bedtime laughing hysterically at a TikTok video on his phone. I smiled as I realized how blessed I am to be living this life I’m living. It’s imperfect and dangerous- but I get to live life with abandon. I get to really live every single day- not because of some inspirational book or song, but because God has shown me what it’s like to live on the other side. He has shown me how vibrant life is if I’ll just open my eyes.

0 notes

amsrober02-blog · 4 years ago

Text

The Ugly Side

I walked into the UC Cancer Center early this morning for the beginning of my clinical trial. I have to fast today until two hours after I take my new medication. This is a targeted drug that will target two of my mutations. I’m starving and missing my daily dose of caffeine.

On top of it all, I’m walking into the unknown. I had scans last week. I have no idea if the cancer has returned. I’m terrified.

On my way into the hospital it smelled like donuts outside. There must be a bakery nearby. It felt like a punch to the gut. Then, as satan would have it, I walked into the hospital in front of a lady dressed in a nice work jacket and cute jeans. In her hands she held a plate of cookies for her father who was finishing his last chemotherapy today. I smiled at her behind my mask. But what she couldn’t see was the jealousy I felt. I’ve began and finished treatments so many times. I don’t even know if I can count them anymore. I will never be finished. There will never be a celebration for me. Why? Because when I finish a drug, it is because it stopped working.

I will be on something the rest of my life. Some days I accept this fate with a smile on my face. In my heart, I’m hoping and praying that we will find a drug with few side effects that will allow me to live a normal life outside of taking a drug everyday. This is my hope and my prayer. The reality is, it’s not likely.

Why do I feel ugly feelings like this? It actually makes me disgusted with myself that I can’t just resort to actually being happy for a person and truly meaning it. But sometimes all I can feel is anger. I don’t understand why some get the joy of ringing the bell and never again returning for another harsh treatment while others will try their hardest- giving all they have short of a limb of their body only to meet failure in return.

The doctor will walk in soon. I’ll be receiving the news- good or bad. My heart will not be prepared no matter how much I’ve prayed and gone over the scenarios in my head. I will accept whatever it is at some point and move forward one step at a time. The ugly side will peek it’s disgusting head out every time I see happiness around me, but thank you Jesus for your grace that can change my heart and forgive what I can’t change myself.

0 notes

amsrober02-blog · 4 years ago

Text

When I Can’t See Past Today

I was speaking with someone the other day about stress. She mentioned to me that I don’t ever seem to be stressed out even though I have so much to worry about. I laughed because I knew that wasn’t entirely true, but I also knew that she was right on many levels. My friend stared longingly for an answer to her rhetorical question as if she was saying, “Help me.” I wanted to, but it wasn’t an answer that would solve her problems. I wanted to hold her tight and tell her that I knew how she felt and that I was her not long ago. I wish I had a quick fix for the life she was obviously drowning in.

It’s no secret that it’s hard to live in our world today. No matter how you live, you’re being judged by someone or yourself. No matter what you say, you’re wrong. No matter how much planning you do, you’re likely to fail somewhere. There are so many options, so many gray areas, so many things that don’t make sense anymore. So many ways to mess up.

Not too long ago, I was living a very different life than I live today. I was a control freak, a planner, and I had worrying down to a science. I loved each day with fire under me- pushing me through my day hoping to get it all right and live this perfect life that I envisioned myself having. I hoped to control my job, my kids, my husband, myself, and hopefully any innocent bystander that crossed my path. I had perfected the ability to clinch my teeth so hard at night that when I woke up, my jaw would lock. I was amazing at screaming at everyone loud enough and often enough that they had learned to tune me out. I was amazing at completely freaking out when my well laid plans failed (even if it wasn’t life-altering). Oh, and I was really good at being completely miserable 90% of the time and pretending I had it all together. Sound familiar?

Well, two years ago in November of 2019, my world literally flipped upside down, inside out, and I think it even imploded. Yep. I sat in a chair as I watched every single vision that I had drown in the ocean of despair. This is where all the dreams and goals went that people failed to achieve. I didn’t even have to try, it just happened. My life as I knew it was no longer in my control. My health was failing and I needed to accept it. Accepting it meant that I wouldn’t have room in my heart or my mind for anything else. Accepting it meant I was going to either fight for my life or I was going to lay down and die. Believe me, I contemplated both.

Months went by quickly as they were filled with appointments, surgeries, and chemotherapy. I quickly began to realize that all of the other stuff- the laundry piles, the sports schedules, our finances, that fight I had picked with my husband- none of it mattered right now. On top of my health, I quickly came to the realization that my faith was shallow. My number one priority became getting to know my savior. I needed peace. I needed certainty. I needed ground to stand on and I didn’t have any of those things. I was just existing in this scary world of cancer without hope or answers. Where do I go from here? I know Jesus, but I’m not sure I really know Him.

So many people reached out to help physically with meals or cleaning, or financially with gift cards and checks, or spiritually with prayers and songs. I hadn’t ever done anything for these people, but they came from near and far to support my family. I began to fill my days with worship music and Bible reading. Suddenly, nothing else mattered. From the time I woke up to the time I went to bed, I was in a constant state of worship- for months.

This was the beginning of my transformation. Over the course of the next several months, I would have doubts. I would become complacent and comfortable where I was and take my health for granted (I don’t do that anymore- getting diagnosed 3 times whip those thoughts right out of you). I would struggle with anger and fear. Worry would creep in. But something else was happening. I was continuing to pray. Others were continuing to pray. I was continuing to stay in the word. I began to post Bible verses on little sticky notes all over the house. My conversations with friends and family were about Jesus. He was and is the center of my world.

My mind was no longer thinking about the future because I trusted that it was in His hands. This was of course after several battles with satan. I began to trust the process and trust that God had my back because He proved it over and over. I had no where else to turn. God provided the perfect environment for complete surrender, and I fell right into it.

I now live each day for today. I don’t fear the future because God has given me this peace that doesn’t make sense. It’s like my mind won’t even go there. When it starts to wonder, it’s like shutting a door in my brain and leaving whatever is behind it there because it just is too messy to look at. I’ve seen miracles in my life and around me that don’t make sense, so why would I have think that my path will follow the numbers and percentages that doctors give me? I know I don’t control the future nor do I control my health, so it does me no good to try to hold onto it myself.

On the flip side, living this way has its moments. I don’t make future plans. It’s hard to plan vacations, meetings, and life events because that forces me to think about a future that I can’t control. For that reason, I often don’t commit to much outside of a one week window. And you know what? I’m ok with that because in the Bible

it says that God will provide our needs.

“And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?”

Matthew‬ ‭6:28‬, 30

I hope today that you’ll be a wildflower with me. I hope you’ll lay it all down at His feet today. It’s not your burden to carry. It’s so heavy and you don’t need to carry it anymore. Give your back a rest. Let your heart soften and open to the one who can heal your mind and soul. Let Him take your cares and your worries and fix them. And those He chooses not to fix, allow yourself to trust His process for your life. His plans are good and perfect. He loves you more than you have the capability of loving anyone. He can give you a peace and a joy that surpasses all understanding. All you have to do is accept it. Give up control. And really learn to the live the life He created you to have.

1 note · View note

amsrober02-blog · 4 years ago

Text

Cancer can’t reach my soul

For a couple of weeks, it felt like I was playing school. I had been spending so much time in the hospital and so little time in school that I forgot what it was like to live a normal life. For the past couple of weeks, I’ve really started to get into the groove of being back to work. I’ve felt what it’s like to wear work clothes again. I’ve felt what it’s like to wake up early and get ready for something. I’ve felt what it’s like to talk about students, teaching, evaluations, and classrooms. I’ve experienced the joy of decorating my classroom and making it look exactly how I’ve always wanted it to look.

For the past couple of weeks I’ve felt like a normal human and other than my few appointments, I’ve forgotten about cancer. Some may wonder how that is even possible given my diagnosis, but I don’t spend each day dwelling on it. In fact, I’ve felt a lot of hope lately knowing that at the end of the day, God gets the final call. I realize that this peace I feel is a gift. I can’t explain what a blessing it is to wake up each morning and be able to smile because it’s one more day to feel good and live my best life! I feel big feelings and I live my life with abandon. I TRY to only plan for what I can control and the rest I choose to hand over to God. This does not mean that I don’t have bad days and sad moments. Trust me, I have had many of those and will have more in the future.

Tonight is our big open house at school. Today we will open the doors to our students and their families for the first time since we remodeled this old building. The amount of hours, sweat, and tears that this team of teachers, administration, custodians, and staff have put into this major project are astronomical. We’ve spent a lot of time together this past month or so and it has started to feel like we are a big family. Everyone seems to support one another and share the same vision to love our students deeply so that they can become successful learners. My husband and I have been working hard to plan and build everything I’ve ever dreamed my classroom could be. He has literally been the hands and feet in creating my every desire piece by piece- including the beautiful reading loft that I’ve envisioned since I knew I would be a teacher one day.

There are times in our lives when we just know that we are where we are supposed to be. I honestly cannot imagine a more rewarding profession. Most of the time my job doesn’t even feel like work. I feel so lucky to be able to come into a job that makes me smile everyday while also having the chance to make a difference in a little one’s life. Cancer has stolen a lot from me- my colon (mostly lol), my energy, and my time, but it’s not able to take away my passion or my peace because they’re buried deep in my soul in a place that cancer can’t touch. There may come a day that I can no longer physically do the things that I love, but I can guarantee that my passion and peace will still be there; even if the Lord has to help me find them again. But today, Tuesday September 7th, I will smile my biggest smile and hold my head up high because it’s a good day to be alive.

0 notes

amsrober02-blog · 4 years ago

Text

Playing School

I’ve spent the past week and a half split between work and doctors appointments. When I’m at work, I’m busy preparing my classroom, sorting through spreadsheets with student data, organizing my class dojo and schoology accounts, and completing modules that I’ve fallen very behind on. When I’m at the doctor I’m, well, doing my very best to fight to stay alive.

My back started hurting this week pretty badly to the point where I’m back on pain killers around the clock. I will often wake up in pain at night which results in a tired mama in the morning. After our meetings this morning, a friend offered to help me start painting my room. I’m very behind (which is okay because I won’t have students myself for a couple of weeks) so I really do need to get started. My husband and I came back in this evening and finished most of what needed done. Thank God for this man of mine. He’ll pretty much do anything I ask and make my dreams come true to the best of his ability.

I’ve also been ordering lots on Amazon (that’s the fun part). I’ve decided to go with a Boho Rainbow theme. If you don’t know what that is, look it up. It’s so cute! In addition, Anthony is building me a loft in my room. He even met with maintenance and has chatted with my principal to be sure that he does everything to code. Like seriously, how lucky am I? But as I’m living in dream land today, I am quickly reminded (thanks back pain) of the reality that I’m living. This back pain, if left untreated, will result in loss of the use of my legs. Scary stuff. Lord, please let this proton therapy work!

I work in an amazing district with amazing people. My boss decided to get me my very own sub. She’s actually a friend of mine. I get to train her and show her the ropes and every time I’m too sick to come in or have chemo or something, she will be there to sub for me. As awesome as that is, it’s very hard for me to put my pride aside. I want to do it all. I want to be one of those heroic people that can do chemo and balance work and kids and housework. I want to be walking on the treadmill, drinking my all organic smoothie while tossing in some anti nausea medicine to make me feel “all better.” I want to be beautiful bald and make cancer look pretty. I want to make it into work, standing tall and put together. I want to be an amazing teacher with endless energy. But I’m afraid I’ll be none of those things. I will just do my best. That’s all I can do.

I won’t be a walking, heroic beauty queen. I’ll tell you now that I have a weak stomach and know what happens to my energy when chemo sucks the life out of me. I know what my attitude looks like and what my mood looks like when I’m exhausted and worn down. Oh, and I’m not optimistic. I tend to look at the worst case scenario and claim it as mine! Yep, that’s me. No inspirational messages here.

As the beginning of the school year approaches, I just pray that God will bring healing and energy to my life. My job brings me more joy than most realize. It’s not the paycheck, the health insurance, or the distraction from what is really happening in my life. It’s the students. They teach me, inspire me, and make me a better person. Teaching, for me, is more than a job. It’s a lifestyle, it’s life-saving and life-changing. I pray that cancer won’t rip this very special part of my life from me. That’s my fear at the end of the day. So as I clean my paintbrushes and organize my supplies, I’ll remind myself that I’m not just playing school. This is real life. It’s not the life I chose, but it’s the life I was given.

0 notes