amyspeaks

[amyspeaks]

[amyspeaks]

Refocus

[amyspeaks]

What would make me happy? I don’t even know...

[amyspeaks]

It’s been a nice few days, but I’m always scared of when it turns into a not so nice day.

Why do those days happen?

I’ve accepted that they happen, but all I wish is that when it does happen... we resolve it quickly and lovingly.

Is that too much to ask for?

[amyspeaks]

Just trying to focus on being my best self.

[amyspeaks]

Is being with me such a horrible thing?

[amyspeaks]

My ex boyfriend taught me I should have to compete for his love. And I did. And I lost.

I guess I brought that upon my current relationship.

It sounds terrible, but with my current bf, it was a story-esque situation where he picked me over his ex girlfriend.

He told me it’s been over for awhile before we began talking. I believed him, and it’s true. But that doesn’t mean all my baggage was emotionally resolved.

I did a bad job communicating my baggage to him. I still do. It’s hard to talk about pain. But I’m guessing this was a big reason why we got into certain fights in the beginning of our relationship.

Lack of communication... lack of understanding. What a surprise ... not really but really. It only took me almost 4 years to realize this.

I’m still scared to talk about baggage and painful things now. Who truly understands your own pain, trauma, and experiences? Lol I barely understand my own. And the fear of them not understanding. Oh that’s far too great.

[amyspeaks]

I just looked back 4 years on my primary tumblr... and some of my happy posts are so cringe.

I was in my honeymoon stage of my relationship. But still. So cringe. But reminder. I should not care. Lmao 🤦🏻‍♀️

[amyspeaks]

I’ve grown a lot since college. I describe my college years as young wild and free. I never regret the memories I’ve made, the adventures I went through. Everything was exciting.

After college though, I was a little lost. Graduating with a sociology major, without a job lined up. I’m lucky enough to have a supportive family who helped me find a graduate school to go to, where I received my masters in education. Not that it has anything to do with what I do now or where I am now.

I don’t know why I’m talking this, or maybe I do. The thought of regret came into my mind today. I don’t often think of regret. I think there’s a quote I’ve heard something along the lines of, “don’t regret anything that once made you happy.” I fiercely believed in that quote. Maybe it was to make myself feel better about the mistakes I’ve made. And trust me, I’ve made plenty of them. Come on ... sociology major? Lol I’ll let you think about that one yourself.

But today I genuinely felt regret for a minute. Maybe the reason why will have to be saved for another time, but I felt regret for everything. Every little action or “mistake” that has gotten me to where I am today.

That brings me to — where am I today? I’m 30 years old, turning 31 in a few months. I’m working in biotechnology/pharma sales, living in Cambridge, MA with my dog and my bf of 3 almost 4 years. Writing this, I’m half kicking myself because I have so much to be thankful for. But here I am. Confused.

Confused as shit.

Am I unhappy? I don’t know. And it’s the scariest thing to admit. Being unhappy. I feel like in this world, we’re all so programmed to be happy. That’s why I’ve strayed away from Instagram and all it’s perfection. Do I still endlessly waste my time on it? Absolutely. But the perfection of it all is daunting.

Another thought. There’s no point of actually saying out loud that you’re unhappy, unless you’re going to do something about it, right? Because otherwise, I’m going to seem like a seemingly privileged human being complaining about nothingness compared to the million adversities others are facing.

That’s the problem about me though. The doing something part I mean. Maybe the comparing part too, but right now I’m focusing on the doing something part. The part that I so reluctantly have to face eventually. It’s always been like that for me. I blame my parents for not making me a “do-er” but in actuality it’s 100% my fault.

But... starting this blog, I mean tumblr, is doing something right? It’s already helped immensely. Just jotting down my thoughts and venting to the endless inter web. My mind has cleared up and in a better space and I might be ok to leave it off like this for tonight. Maybe I’m making an excuse for not opening up more. Maybe it’s both.

What do you think?

I wish tumblr had a poll function like Instagram does for its story posts. Maybe it does and I don’t know how to work it. Sorry for comparing tumblr to ig haha it does not deserve that. It would be cool to have anonymous followers who find my thoughts interesting or maybe even something they could relate to. Maybe one day.

Xoxo A

... that was so gossip girl of me and I love it.

[amyspeaks]

2021... and I’m back on Tumblr. It’s been so long that my phone autocorrected Tumblr to tumble.

This used to be one of my favorite apps circa 2008 maybe. Before Instagram had made its appearance, Tumblr was the place to be at.

A majority of my posts were “reposts”, posts of someone else’s posts, pictures, songs, videos, to depict my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes I like to revisit them to reminisce being young and naive. They bring back memories that I’ve forgotten — some I wanted to forget at one time, and some I’m happy to remember.

I’ve since then abandoned Tumblr and Facebook and my focus has primarily been on Instagram as a form of expression. But lately, I’ve even strayed away from that. I tried to dabble on Wordpress — the website/app for blogging. I found it was too complex for me to get my mind around. I just wanted it to look pretty and be able to jot down my thoughts, and I couldn’t get past the first step. Maybe it was the millennial in me, but I haven’t went back to it since. And here I am... back on Tumblr, good ole tumblr.

A part of me is scared that someone that knows me will find this virtual diary. Maybe I secretly want it found? I do have a hard time opening up in general. Most everyone that knows me will think of me as bubbly and cheerful, which is true. But if only they knew the thoughts that go deep down inside into my complex and wild emotions, revealing the layers i so hate to reveal.

Well. Here goes the first post!