amysubmits

[amysubmits]

[amysubmits]

What Do I Do With the Parts of Me That Get Off on Being Hated?

Content Note: This piece explores themes of degradation kink, erotic shame, trauma recovery, and emotional complexity in submission. Mentions of objectification, self-abandonment, and survivor patterns. Please read with care.

There are cravings I still hesitate to name. Not the sweet ones. Not the ones about surrender or touch or even pain. I mean the ones that live deeper—coiled tight with shame. The ones that whisper, I want you to hate me. I want you to ruin me. I want you to spit in my mouth and call me a thing, not a person. And I want to come undone from it.

Sometimes I want to be stripped of power, pressed into silence, and treated like a toy. Not just used—but discarded. It turns me on in a way I don’t entirely understand. And sometimes it terrifies me.

In recovery, I’ve been taught to listen to the signal behind the craving. To slow down and ask: Is this coming from a place of need—or from a place of pain? And the truth is, sometimes I’m not sure. Sometimes it feels like both.

For context: What I’m describing is often called a degradation kink—a form of consensual play where being insulted, humiliated, or stripped of dignity becomes part of the turn-on. It can look like name-calling, being objectified, spit on, ignored, mocked, broken down emotionally or physically. It’s intense. It’s taboo. And it’s far more common than most people admit. Psychologist and kink researcher Dr. Brad Sagarin notes that “degradation and humiliation kinks often allow individuals to explore deep emotional vulnerabilities in a structured, consensual context.”

But what if that vulnerability isn't just roleplay? What if part of me believes I deserve to be hated? That’s where the shame creeps in. And it’s where I start to question: is this just a new language for an old wound?

Before I ever called myself submissive, I was already performing for men. I let them treat me however they wanted, because I thought love looked like endurance. I thought being wanted meant being small. Being silent. Being good.

Now, I give permission. Now, I ask for things. I tell men I want to be degraded, made powerless, called a slut or a thing. Sometimes I even mean it literally: “Use me like a toy. I want to be nothing but function.” And I do feel powerful, in a twisted way, when I orchestrate that. When I control my own objectification. When I say, “Ruin me,” and I don’t flinch.

But I still wonder: am I healing—or am I reenacting the same self-hatred, just with better lighting?

Author and trauma educator Melissa Febos writes in Girlhood that “erotic desire is shaped by shame as much as it is by pleasure—and often, the two become indistinguishable.” That line haunts me. Because it makes sense. The same part of me that learned to be desirable through self-abandonment is now scripting scenes where that abandonment becomes sexy. Empowering, even. But does that mean it’s safe?

When I hand someone the script—Call me a whore. Spit on me. Don’t ask me if I’m okay until it’s over—that feels like agency. That feels like I’m in control of the degradation. I choose it. I orchestrate it. But not always. Sometimes I get off because I don’t have to make a decision. Because being hated is easier than being loved. Because it quiets the part of me that’s always trying to be good. And that’s when I start to feel scared. Because the part of me that gets off on being hated doesn’t always care if I feel okay afterward.

As trauma therapist Dr. Jamie Marich puts it, “Survivors often return to what is familiar. Sometimes, that includes being treated in ways that replicate harm—not because they like it, but because the nervous system confuses it with home.”

So I check in with myself: Am I choosing this now, or am I being pulled into a pattern I haven’t healed yet? Do I feel seen afterward—or just used? Can I talk about the scene with my partner—or do I feel embarrassed, ashamed, afraid it’ll make them stop wanting me?

The truth is, there’s no clear answer. Sometimes I crave degradation because it brings me into my body. Sometimes it helps me rewrite old scripts. And sometimes I just like it—and that’s okay too. But I keep asking the questions. I keep grounding myself in partners who can handle the weight of what I’m asking for. I talk. I write. I don’t just chase the craving—I try to listen to it.

And maybe that’s the most honest thing I can do.

Because yes, there are parts of me that get off on being hated. And yes, sometimes I worry that I’m still trying to hurt myself in prettier ways. But I’m here. I’m awake inside it. And that means something.

[amysubmits]

I would appreciate the chance to have a conversation about marriage, gender roles, and various other topics. If you're interested, let me know ASAP. Please, thanks.

I'm not really one for chatting a ton on here. But for you or anyone else curious... I'm a far leftist, atheist feminist. I don't think D/s or kink has anything to do with our gender. If you want to play with gender roles that's cool but it's important to distinguish between what titillates you and what is real or what you actually believe about gender, authority, consent, etc. If anything related to D/s or kink appears more common in men than women or vise-versa, I'd chalk that up to social conditioning and living under patriarchy and authoritarianism.

I'm not anti-marriage (I'm married) but I was with my partner unmarried for a LONG time and getting married changed nothing that would be relevant to this tumblr account.

[amysubmits]

I would appreciate the chance to have a conversation about marriage, gender roles, and various other topics. If you're interested, let me know ASAP. Please, thanks.

I'm not really one for chatting a ton on here. But for you or anyone else curious... I'm a far leftist, atheist feminist. I don't think D/s or kink has anything to do with our gender. If you want to play with gender roles that's cool but it's important to distinguish between what titillates you and what is real or what you actually believe about gender, authority, consent, etc. If anything related to D/s or kink appears more common in men than women or vise-versa, I'd chalk that up to social conditioning and living under patriarchy and authoritarianism.

I'm not anti-marriage (I'm married) but I was with my partner unmarried for a LONG time and getting married changed nothing that would be relevant to this tumblr account.

[amysubmits]

Maybe it's just my former neglected child swag but I really hate it when people act like iPads or some technology or whatever is an independent entity which can in and of itself cause what are literally just symptoms of child neglect. Like. Come on. Put on your thinking cap. If a child literally cannot hold a pencil by the time they enter school, if they have absolutely no emotional regulation skills or situational awareness, if they don't know how to entertain themselves to an extent that it's interfering with basic developmental milestones. And the parent either doesn't understand or doesn't care or simply hasn't noticed that this is maybe not fine. Do we think the sole and primary issue going on here is rooted in. The evil technology that melts your brain or whatever. Like sorry does the iPad have legs. Is it gonna sit up and run and start eating people too

[amysubmits]

Ok. I don’t know why it keeps coming across my dash… and also was in a podcast I listened to this week.

But it’s one that’s not always understood well, and very quickly/easily can turn unethical.

And it’s one I have experience with. It is permanently on my hard limits list now, but I have years of experience with it, from a bottom/subby perspective. So….. here we go. I will not share which ex this was with. If anyone has other questions… feel free to ask and I’ll answer them.

Findom.

I’ll start by saying there’s a lot of perspectives to approach this one, and, if you’re gonna ever dip your toe in, from EITHER side, you need to make sure that you and the person you’re doing it with are in alignment for what you want from it. A written agreement in advanced is not a bad idea here.

Some do it just for play, and don’t want an emotional connection with the bottom. For the bottoms who really really enjoy humiliation… that can work. But this side of things was not my experience.

I did it within a relationship, and am someone who needs deep emotional connection for a relationship in the first place. So, that side of the coin is where my experience and insight come from.

The person I did this with was long distance. Across an ocean long distance. So in person service and care wasn’t something I had the opportunity to give often. For me, the thrill and rush of giving in this manner came because it allowed me to physically impact his world for the positive, even when I could not be physically in his presence. I couldn’t make him tea when he was ill. But I couldn’t buy him a heated blanket or coffee. I couldn’t massage his feet, but I could pay for a massage. I couldn’t clean or cook, but could buy a meal or clothes. For me, it was a way to bring us physically closer, even when we were physically apart. Because of that, it actually meant a great deal to me for a long time.

For a long time, I felt like it was ethically done in that relationship, so, I’ll share some things about that.

For starters, we went through my spending and financial world together in some pretty thorough detail. He took control of my budget, which allowed me to still live a healthy (but severely restricted) life and also send him a certain percentage of every check I got. We called it “Tithe” cause we skewed a bit religious on occasion.

After that, I ended up starting my business, and, it was before my ADHD was diagnosed. He helped me stay organized, built a structure for my schedule (I cannot tell you how big of a help this was. Going from all structure being handed to you by an employer to a free-for-all cause suddenly you’re the boss was a challenge!). Helped me manage the business, tended to work spreadsheets, and we worked together on major decisions. Tithe continued, and, ended up increasing as my income increased.

When things got tight because of a major business purchase, we paused Tithe.

He never had access to my bank details.

All of that I believe was ethical, and a good way to approach it from within an existing dynamic. When it started, I felt very much that my safety was the priority, so it was safe to give.

I do not believe it stayed ethical. He was in charge of my schedule and my budget. For a while I was working 7 days a week, for long hours. Eventually I was given Sundays off and things started to get a bit better. But I was working and growing the business and some resentment started to creep in. I was working hard and my budget was *strict* and didn’t increase as my income increased. I felt as if I was working my ass off, and he was reaping every benefit of that, and, it sucked. I wanted to serve, but, I also wanted to buy new work shoes, and couldn’t. They sat on my “wish list” for over a year before I was given permission for them.

At one point when we were fighting, he insisted that I “owed” him the cumulative amount of what I would have paid during the pause that he suggested, all at once. Said that he had budgeted for it, and tax would be an issue if I didn’t give him that.

I don’t know when he changed how he was viewing it, but, he came to view it as something I owed him, rather than something I was giving. He tried to say I owed him for the help he’d given on the business, even though that had never been discussed or negotiated. Tithe started before the business was even something I’d thought about. He started downplaying how much I was doing, while aggrandizing what he did. Said he managed and I was “just a good do-er”. And kept insisting I owed it to him for his help. (He backtracked on that when I suggested reporting it as pay to the government instead of a gift tho 🤔). He said I couldn’t have done it without him.

We hit a breaking point where it stopped feeling good at all for me. And I said as much. He told me he would back off and wouldn’t mention it again unless I brought it up. Then two weeks later, after edging me for an hour, asked for more.

He started using emotional blackmail to get more. Telling me he had one girl before me who’d give, and he lost interest when she stopped. Threatening to pull away. The only way to ease arguments was to give, and then he’d go “oh baby, you do actually love me…” as if it was the only thing I could do to remind him.

I used to keep a journal and got to the point where I was predicting days in advance that he was going to start a fight and ask for more. Based on how he’d withdraw and start treating me.

None of that was ethical. None of that should have happened. If you choose to start playing with Findom, and your bottom is uncomfortable, wanting to stop, feeling resentful… you damn well better stop. Pushing for more and more, using guilt or emotional withdrawal to coerce the bottom is dangerous, for the relationship, for the bottom, for their emotional health and well being…. It pretty much pisses on your entire duty as a D-type. Do. Not. Do. That.

It is your job as the D-type in that situation to check yourself repeatedly and often.

Due to my experience, I tend to believe it is significantly more safe if the bottom is the one to ask for it, not the Top. (I guess that’s different if you’re running a business with it, or the type who isn’t wanting an emotional connection. Just make sure the bottom is on the same page as you, and check in/communicate often).

I’m also not huge on humiliation. So… I fucking hated the term “pay piggy” literally made me sick to my stomach when I heard it. Felt like it went against everything the act meant for me. But I know some subs love it. Just depends on the person.

Some other points about playing with it safely.

It wasn’t addictive to me, but I know it is to some subs, both sides need to watchful for symptoms of that.

Some subs will feel immense shame if they are unable to give at a certain point. If they come to you and say they can’t anymore, DO NOT SHAME THEM! If they need to stop, don’t push them. Accept that with grace and understanding.

Could be a good idea to use a prepaid card, and when it’s gone, it’s gone.

Don’t use credit cards/go into debt to keep going.

Know your limits surrounding it and stick to them, be vigilant about creep.

It is such a good idea to have an agreement written up. It wouldn’t be legally binding in anyway, but it helps to keep it in perspective, and avoid creep on both sides.

As a top… check yourself, for real. The podcast I listened too mentioned a guy who had a girlfriend but also had a FinDomme, and she ended up blackmailing him into paying her rent even when he wanted to stop. DO NOT BE THIS ASSHOLE! Ffs, blackmailing is illegal, and, unless it’s been negotiated as something the bottom wants, is extremely unethical. Even if it was negotiated as something the bottom wanted, if they _truly_ want/need it to stop, continuing to blackmail them is unethical. Like… fuck. We shouldn’t have to say this. The Domme ended up blacklisted and banned from local community for this as well.

It follows the same basic principles of every other kink, ffs.

Don’t force it or coerce it.

Negotiate and communicate.

Remember they’re a human being.

Remember that in exchange for getting the power and control, it’s your responsibility to keep them safe/work within the agreed upon risk profile.

[amysubmits]

It literally isn’t! It’s a civil infraction not a criminal one. 🤦‍♀️

This is nauseating

Venezuelan prisoners held in bluebonnet prison (TX) who fear being sent to CECOT form SOS in the prison yard. Photo taken by Reuters who flew over the prison in a small plane after being denied entry to the prison by ICE.

https://www.reuters.com/world/americas/sos-migrants-held-texas-fear-notorious-el-salvador-prison-2025-04-30/

Please read the article. Do not let these people be swept under the rug and forgotten in two weeks. The injustice here is horrifying.

[amysubmits]

This is nauseating

Venezuelan prisoners held in bluebonnet prison (TX) who fear being sent to CECOT form SOS in the prison yard. Photo taken by Reuters who flew over the prison in a small plane after being denied entry to the prison by ICE.

https://www.reuters.com/world/americas/sos-migrants-held-texas-fear-notorious-el-salvador-prison-2025-04-30/

Please read the article. Do not let these people be swept under the rug and forgotten in two weeks. The injustice here is horrifying.

[amysubmits]

Hi there,

I’m holding on to hope, one day at a time—and today, I’m asking for your support. My family is living through a reality no one should have to face, and I’m doing my best to keep our voices heard.

📌 Please take a second to check out my pinned post.

🔄 Sharing it can help it reach someone who might be able to help.

🤍 If you’re able to give even a little, your generosity could ease a heavy burden.

Your support, your time, your care—it all matters more than you know.

With love and deep appreciation,

@jehadkhaled

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[amysubmits]

Hey 💌 I’m Saja — a mother trying to hold onto hope through days that feel impossibly heavy.

I know you probably see a lot online, but if you could take just a moment… I’d be so grateful.

💫 A reblog of my pinned post could help our story reach someone who cares.

🌿 And if you’re in a place to give, even a small donation could bring comfort to my daughter and help us feel safe again.

@sajagz, thank you for listening.

Even gentle support creates strength.

From one heart to another — thank you 🤍

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[amysubmits]

Hey there 🌍💙

I hope you're doing well. Today, I’m reaching out with a heartfelt request. My family is going through an incredibly difficult time, and I need your help to make our story heard.

🔄 A simple reblog of my pinned post can spread awareness.

💖 A small $5 donation could bring hope where it’s desperately needed.

@nasr-daher

Even the smallest act of kindness can create ripples of change. Your support means the world—thank you for standing with us! 🙏✨

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[amysubmits]

Hi there 💛

I hope this message finds you well. I'm reaching out with a heavy heart and a hopeful spirit.

My name is Mohamed. My family and I lost our home to the war, and we’re doing our best to start again from nothing. We’ve created a GoFundMe to help rebuild—not just the walls, but the life we once knew.

If you have a moment, please check out my pinned post. Even a simple reblog or share can make a world of difference. And if you’re in a place to give, even a small donation would mean more than I can ever express.

Your kindness, your voice, your support—it truly matters.

Thank you for reading this. I’m so deeply grateful. 🙏

@hamodfamily

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[amysubmits]

Hi there,

I’m reaching out with a quiet hope in my heart. These days are heavy, and my family is living through a reality filled with uncertainty—but I’m still here, doing my best to hold on and keep going.

If you have a moment, please check out my pinned post.

A simple share could help it reach someone who might be able to make a difference.

If you’re able to give, even the smallest kindness can bring light into the darkest places.

Your time, your voice, your compassion — it all matters more than you know.

With deep gratitude,

@nadinfamily

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[amysubmits]

URGENT HELP SAVE THE LIFE OF MY CHILD.

Dear humanity,

Please Help Me – My Son May Die at Any Moment.

I'm Amal, a mother of three children, living under the weight of the genocide taking place in Gaza. 🍉

Here’s my story, and I’m reaching out with a hopeful heart 💔✨, hoping someone will feel what my family and I are going through.

My son is suffering from a severe and life-threatening injury after being shot by Israeli drones. He urgently needs medical treatment outside Gaza.

Time is running out, and we are facing a critical situation. I am asking for your generosity to help us save him either through a donation or by sharing this urgent plea with others

I beg you, i kiss your feet, to help my son. My son may die at any moment.

I lost most of my family. I'm afraid to lose my son too 🥺

Mohammed deserves to live a happy and healthy life, just like every other child on this earth.

So I humbly ask you to donate even a little or at least reblog this appeal.

Please Donate now:👇

https://www.gofundme.com/f/join-us-in-our-struggle-save-our-family-from-war-in-gaza

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[amysubmits]

My name is Abed.

I’m a survivor from Gaza, holding on to hope in a world that has fallen apart around me. 💔

The life I once knew — my home, my family, my sense of safety — has been shattered by war. Today, I live among the ruins, trying to find a path forward through the rubble and heartbreak. 🏚

Every moment is a battle against fear and uncertainty. What was once ordinary — a safe place to sleep, a future to dream of — now feels like a distant memory. 🕊️

I share my story not to seek pity, but to keep hope alive — to believe that even in the darkest places, kindness can still find a way. 🤍

If my story touches your heart, please consider sharing it or offering support. Every voice, every act of care, brings me one step closer to safety. ✨

Thank you for taking the time to listen. 🙏

Post Link

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[amysubmits]

By now, you all must have seen the news that Gaza had officially run out of food, as one of the main aid suppliers in Gaza, World Food Program, had announced that their stock has been completely depleted, leaving just a few days for community kitchens to function.

This comes after more than 50 days (and counting) of Israel's complete closure of the borders, preventing food and medicine, among other life essentials, from entering Gaza. There are children crying out of hunger with trucks loaded with over 100,000 tons of food mere minutes away from them, which Israel continues to prevent from entering besieged Gaza.

This also comes after Israel had deliberately destroyed swaths of farmlands in Gaza, specifically targeting them with bombs and chemical weapons that destroy the chance of growing crops. Israel also made sure bakeries are destroyed as well as water sources.

Diabolical is an understatement when it comes to the Zionist entity.

There are still things you can do. On top of raising awareness and protesting when possible, independent organisations like APN are working directly with farmers in Gaza to rehabilitate the agricultural sector and restore local food systems to combat famine, counter the blockade and build food sovereignty. You can donate to their Revive Gaza's Farmlands initiative here.

Additionally, keep in mind that this means whatever food supplies remain available in Gaza now costs astronomical amounts of money, so keep sharing and donating to individual fundraising campaigns. Gazafunds is a good source if you're not sure where to start. Remember that your donations and shares are often the only source of hope for these families.

[amysubmits]

The Thing About Smart:

“Smart” was used on me like a weapon. “Of course you don’t need help! You’re so smart!” If I struggled, if I cried and begged for help, hell, if I acted childlike as a child, it was thrown back at me. “You aren’t trying hard enough! Don’t be lazy! You know better than that! You’re. So. Smart.”

When I knew I was ugly and uncoordinated as a child, they never tried to fix that, just “oh, but you’re smart.” Compliments in class went, “Caroline has a great smile! Johnny, you’re so good at helping your friends! AND YOU. YOU’RE. SO. SMART.” I had, apparently, nothing else to offer but the ability to read and complete busywork quickly and quietly. I had no friends. Everyone else was kind and talented and warm-hearted and pretty, and I. Was. Smart.

Of course, when I burnt out and could no longer constantly Be Smart on command because I had no tools, resources or aid to assist me in subjects that I genuinely couldn’t grasp, like algebra, I wasn’t smart at all, and hadn’t ever learned how to be properly social, or how to dress nicely, so nobody took their time with me then either.

It took being thrown out of the house, moving in with an abuser, scrabbling around in horrible odd jobs with horrible bosses, and frankly, almost dying for somebody to find me and take me in. By that point, I was nothing, convinced I could be nothing, not smart (or I would have succeeded), not pretty (or my ex wouldn’t have been so abusive), just nothing, worthless, friendless, and pointless.

He saw me differently. I was, in his eyes, beautiful. I was smart, and capable. I hadn’t given up, I’d worked those jobs and paid my bills.

He also saw that I had never been taught how to properly do anything. He taught me to clean and take care of my home, got me a haircut, and mani-pedis, found me friends who taught me how to care for my hair, helped me find clothing that didn’t hide me away, but flattered me, encouraged me to obtain the degree I actually wanted. He showed me that I was pretty, and that I could be smart on my own terms, that other people didn’t just get to use my brain and give me torment.

He lets me seek help, seek peace and encouragement. Nothing is put entirely on me, I can ask for help, am ordered to get help, if I feel unsure or overwhelmed. I do not have to fix everything and be quiet. I am still smart, but it no longer is held over my head like the sword of Damocles. I am at peace.

@amysubmits

@stewedbeefforbadboys