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Chappell Roan Backlash & Bipolar

Putting aside parasocial relationships and politics, I actually think that one of Chappell Roan's major problems is that the general public has no concept of what it's really like to suffer from Bipolar Disorder. There are so many misconceptions out there, and while I have no clue where Chappell is on her Bipolar journey, the fact of the matter is that even if you're "stable", life is very, very taxing. Things that are easy for other people, that others take for granted, are that much more difficult when you have Bipolar to deal with. I challenge anyone to go onto the Bipolar subreddit and you'll very quickly get an idea of the vast, varied and intense issues that people with Bipolar have to deal with on a daily basis in addition to "normal" life. I worry about people with Bipolar who are in the spotlight because even just the little amount of interaction I have with social media can trigger serious episodes for me and can really mess with my mental health -- especially because you can't really control what and who you encounter on the Internet. Trying to maintain a balance when you have this illness is very precarious. She might not come across the way that people want her to, she might not handle stress "well", but that is because her brain is literally different. To have Bipolar Disorder means that you are neurodivergent and that your brain chemistry is different from others'. I'm definitely not saying that having Bipolar Disorder gives you a free pass to treat people however you want or to behave badly, but I am calling for a bit more understanding about being aware of the differences in other peoples' lived experiences. In order to function as an adult with Bipolar, you have to be aware of your own unique requirements in order to maintain your "equilibrium" (so that you don't swing too far in either direction of Mania or Depression where you have severely diminished control over yourself). You're constantly treading the line between these dualities and establishing healthy coping mechanisms can take years to work out/develop. I'm therefore not surprised to see Chappell struggling to put up adequate boundaries and why she seems to be scrambling to save her mental health -- she has never encountered this level of fame or success before and now has to essentially go back to the drawing board to see what she needs to do in order to stay sane while performing at such a high level. It's not an easy task for anyone -- especially someone with Bipolar.

[amyzaaiman-blog]

On Grief & The Hard Time That People Are Giving Jackie Howard:

I just have to say that I lost my mom 3 years ago & have no relationship with my father, so I'm essentially an orphan. I feel like I shouldn't have to say this, but everyone grieves differently. You don't know how you're going to respond until you're in that situation, so don't judge so hastily. My mom was the closest person in the world to me (besides my husband, who has been an amazing support) & losing her turned me into a complete mess. I didn't leave the house for about a year (that's not an exaggeration), I picked up about 17kgs and then proceeded to vomit everyday for the next year and lost all of the weight again. My hair fell out in clumps. I couldn't sleep. My period stopped for about 1.5 years. I did things I would NEVER have done beforehand, such as seeking escapism like smoking weed everyday. I couldn't function properly or work. I had permanent brain fog. Other people have different ways of responding to this type of situation. I was in such a confused, repressed haze for so long that I only feel as if I'm properly processing her passing now. For the first time in 3 years, I'm finally experiencing anger (which is one of the key phases of bereavement). You just never know.

If you read the book, it's clear that Jackie initially does have a very intense, emotional response after her family dies - she falls apart. She doesn't get out of bed for like a month. Then, one day, as a way of distracting herself & making her family proud, she gets out of bed & focuses solely on getting into Princeton. While they don't show all of this backstory in the show, it's very obvious to me that she's bottling up all of her emotions. Her worst nightmare is to be pitied. And honestly, as she says in the show, no one knows what to say to you in such circumstances. Everything sounds awkward/disingenuous/well-meaning but misplaced/alienating.

I'm really not surprised that she shies away from the deep connection that she has with Cole (who, let's be honest, is a fuckboy at the beginning of the show but who she clearly has a unique & immediate attachment to). She's so vulnerable that she latches onto the "safe" brother who makes her feel relatively normal again. He offers comfort & stability, which is exactly what you need when you feel lost, alone & untethered. She can't afford to be hurt again & that's what Cole represents/threatens - especially because of the way he treats other girls. When Cole asks her why she's with Alex, she doesn't say it's because she likes Alex more, but rather cites Cole's behaviour towards other women.

These boys are also forms of distraction from her grief. And to add to the mix, she's only 15 years old. What hormonal teenager hasn't been confused or made stupid, rash decisions that they regret? I'm 33 years old and I'm still making mistakes and cringing from things I said & did a month ago, a day ago, an hour ago. It's really obvious that her attraction to Cole continues percolating throughout the show until he does something so meaningful/thoughtful that she can't ignore her feelings any longer. And what he does for her is especially touching because it's so inherently related to her loss & the absence of her family. Throughout the show, Cole is the only one she really opens up to about her family; how much she misses them & her home. He understands her in a way that others don't because she won't let them in in the same way. He truly sees her. They challenge each other. And while these are beautiful parts about falling in love, they can also be extremely frightening because there's nowhere to hide.

I don't even blame the parents for not noticing what is truly going on (although I think Katherine has an idea). Teenagers are renowned for being secretive (not to mention that the adults are also dealing with much of their own stress). I actually really like the scenes that she has with Katherine. I think that they have an understanding. Katherine is still getting to know Jackie & there's no way that she'll ever come close to replacing her mother. It just doesn't work like that. People aren't interchangeable.

It's also important to note that Jackie's whole shtick & manner of coping is to have a veneer of being "fine". I think that she's worried that if she shatters the illusion, she'll just fall apart again. She's barely holding it together. Particularly at the start of the show, she's just going through the motions & existing. The messy but loving (albeit not in the very, very beginning) environment of the Walter household is what's keeping her afloat. By the end (she even says this), she finally feels like she belongs. She has meaningful relationships with the whole Walter family & extended clan, & the reason that she leaves is because she knows how royally she's fucked up. She's overwhelmed & scared - fearful of her own roiling emotions & how she's exacerbated the rift between Alex & Cole.

Yes, you could call her hypocritical because Cole "stealing" Paige (She's not an object, so let's check that language. She is a person & has agency) is one of the main things that Jackie repeatedly holds against him (& uses as an excuse for keeping him at a distance). But she definitely realises this, which is why she runs away. She knows that she's acted against her own morals.

This is a very long post, but my ultimate point is that people should have a little more compassion. Grief is not a linear process & life is not simply black & white - there are vast shades of grey in between. People can make "bad" choices & redeem themselves. Are we meant to define people by one ill-thought-out/passion-based/heat-of-the-moment decision that they made as a teenager when they were severely traumatised? I think that forgiveness is a better option & that people should be allowed to grow, change & learn from their mistakes. Season 2 is still on its way, remember?