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an-unknown-whisper-blog · 6 years ago

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Love, lies and loss

I guess you could say that I was a good two shoes and stayed out of trouble. I had never had any kind of real boyfriend as I was growing up, unless you want to count the week I dated this boy from my mums church. Our mums were best friends and I think we went to the movies once?

Its quite funny to be honest, I remember the day I asked him out simply because it’s just so hysterical. My best friend at the time had this crush on this guy “T” for what seemed forever. I made a deal with her that if she asked him out then I would ask out “A”. Turns out she did it that day and obviously I couldn't back out. So there I am, gave him a call, told him I liked him and would like to go out with him some time. Next ting I knew he was telling me he had a girlfriend and I was mortified. Laughed and said oh okay, bye, and then I hung up. Do you ever mute the TV when it gets to an embarrassing of cringeworthy part of a show or movie? Well I wish that I could have muted my life right there and then.

Thinking back to it I cant believe I had the balls to even call and do that but its just so funny. I want to say maybe an hour later he logged onto MSN ( Yes we are going THAT far back ) he started talking to me and I wanted to crawl into a ditch. He actually told me that he'd dumped his girlfriend and wanted to go out with me. WHAT IS THAT KIND OF MADDNESS?! Who even does that?

Anyway, like I said, it lasted just over a week and then I was back to my boyless teenage years...

Fast forward to 2013 just before my 18th and I had a crush on this guy who I worked with, “D”. He was the classic pretty boy who everyone liked. We went to college together and we just seemed to hit it off. Hung out a few times and had a couple of kisses but we decided we were better as friends.

Anyway, dun dun dun I GOT A BOYFRIEND.

“L” was a new guy at work. Not my type at all but he made me laugh and had this twinkle about him. One evening I was out in Southend at a gig with a few of my friends. They were all going home but I was meeting “D” and “B” ( another guy from work ) to go out clubbing. I hadn't heard form them all day so was a bit worried that I wouldn't be able to find them. So I was texting “L” and mentioned where I was. next thing I know he told me he had travelled up to see me.

We spent ages talking outside of the train station as he had missed his last train home and I was still waiting for the guys. I don't even know what was going through my head but next thing I knew we were having out first kiss... I don't even really remember it, I had probably drunk a bit too much. I’m not really sure what happened after that but I know we were talking and then “D” and “B” came out of the station doors and asked if I was coming with them. I decided to stay with “L”. Thinking back, my life may have been so much different if I had just gone with them. But you cant change the past, just move forward.

So we ended up getting a taxi back to our home towns and during the ride the taxi driver asked if we were a couple and we looked at each other and just said yeah why not. Having grown up with fairytales, love stories and epic romantic declarations of love, I truly thought my first relationship would have started on a much more magical note. But no, I got a drunken make out and a whim starter. No dates, no courting, nothing.

We didn't even get to live out an exciting “honeymoon” period. I think it was the next night or the one after... My nan was at the hospital at the time and me and my mum were on our way home when I got a phone call. I have no idea who the number belonged to but it turned out to be “L”’s mum. She told me that he had been jumped and was being rushed into hospital with a dislocated jaw. Don’t worry, he survived. Quick op on his jaw and some metal staples or something.

He soon recovered and life went back to normal and things with us were magical. We saw each other at work all the time and whenever else we could. We spent time with his family, went out with work friends and seemed to be growing in the right direction.

Then the arguments started. We had been together for just over 6 months and he started picking at small things and pushing for arguments. I’ve never been someone who just accepts being yelled at when I’ve honestly done nothing wrong so would always push back. I remember one time he told me to choose between him and a friend and without a blink of an eye I chose my friend. She wasn't even a fairly important friend but the thought that someone would try to control who I could and could not see enraged me. Things just seems to be getting worse.

One day, where as if by magic, we genuinely had a lovely day, had been talking about plans for the future and how I was going to be going to university. We spoke about how we were going to make the long distance work. I think he may have gotten a bit overwhelmed in the moment and he ended up proposing to me. It was a huge shock and it’s not that I wanted to break up, but I was 18, I was going to uni, I couldn't say yes.

So the arguments went back to bad and just got worse.

Something that I should have probably already mentioned is that when I was 15/16 I was told that I ave a condition called PCOS. This means that little cysts are growing inside my ovaries and the severity of the one I had meant that I only had about a 5% chance of ever getting pregnant.

So with that information, to my utter surprise, even though we used protection and I was on contraception, I got pregnant. It was a miracle. But I was only 18 and I was just about to move away to university. I had no clue what to do. After getting tests, it turned out that I was 8 weeks gone. I’ve known people who got pregnant when they were younger and had gotten abortions but I just knew that I couldn't let go of this miracle baby. What if this was my only chance to get pregnant? It wasn't the ideal time or situation but how could I throw this away? Whenever I thought about the baby, it always felt like a boy, so from then on I’d always talk to him and tell him stories. I wanted him to know how much I already loved him and how thankful I was for him.

We were at work one weekend and I had planned to tell him about the pregnancy after work, once we were home, but he was in a fowl mood and started an argument with me on the shop floor. It’s not like we worked in a 5 star place but the job was keeping me going and funding my life so I couldn’t afford to loose it. I don’t even remember what the argument was about but I know he started throwing things around the store ( it was closed for stock take luckily ). “B” and “D” saw how distressed I was and took me aside to make sure I was okay and that just seemed to add fuel to the fire. I told “L” to go and cool off and come and see me after an hour or so. He went off and started to work with this girl, “B”, who I had only had a few conversations with prior. I was not a jealous person so it meant nothing to me.

He didn't talk to me for the rest of the evening and said he wanted to just go home and sleep as he was tired. So I agreed and said I'd see him next week after work one day. Things seemed to be fine. As fine as they could be.

So the following weekend I went into work and it was like every other day. I got on with my tasks and caught up with friends. I was put onto tills to cover breaks and was genuinely having a good day. Oh boy was I wrong. Someone came up to me, who I wasn't even really friends with, came up to me and asked me how I felt about “L” and “B”. I didn't care, they were friends, he was my boyfriend and I wasn't going to stop him from being friends with anyone. I remember like it was yesterday and the guy turned to me and went “No, they're together now. Didn't you know?”

In that moment I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces and the tears start to build up in the corner of my eyes.

The next few moments were a blur for me. I just remember going out into the backstage area and crying my eyes out. He was my boyfriend, how could he do this to me?

Time went on and “L” kept trying to contact me, saying it was over with her. I foolishly believed him and we were back together. I kept the baby a secret as I wanted to make sure we were going to be okay. One day when I was staying round his, I had a terrible gut feeling that something was wrong, and I know it was terrible of me to have gone through his phone but something told me I had to. Of course I found messages from her. They had never broken up. I felt like such an idiot. I woke him up, screaming at him. How could he do this to me again?! What was so wrong with my that I deserved this?

We broke up and I was starting to pack to move away. At this time I was coming up to 11 weeks gone and I still hadn't told anyone. I mean how do you tell your family that the scum who has been hurting you for weeks is the father of the child growing inside you? I didn't want to have anything to do with “L”, I didn't want my child anywhere near the him.

Work was horrible, I still had to work with both of them and it killed me every time. Deep down I still loved him and wanted to be with him. In a last attempt I wrote him a letter and asked if I could see him to talk. Being the idiot I was, I believed everything he said and we agreed that we wanted to give it another go. He said that he was ending everything with her for good.

I was starting to show and it was going to be hard to hide it for any longer so I was preparing myself to tell people. The most perfect time arrived, it was my leaving meal with all of my family and family friends. I had decided what I wanted to say and how I wanted to approach it.

I got ready for the meal and we were leaving an about an hour. I was trying to get hold of “L” to talk to him before I went out but couldn't get through. I received a text out of the blue from a girl at work asking how I was feeling about “L”, I replied saying we were back together and things were going well. It’s like it was everyones mission to ruin every little bit of happiness I had. She explained that they were together, and “B” was posting pictures of her and her boyfriend.. my boyfriend.

I couldn’t stop crying. My heart was pounding. I couldn’t breath. Everything was a blur around me. I’ve always had this weird thing happen to me when I get overly upset, I start to throw up. I cant tell you why because I have never uncovered why myself.

Next thing I knew I had this stabbing pain in my stomach. it was there one second and gone the next. It panicked me but made me snap out of everything I was feeling a focus on the baby. I sat there for a while and nothing hurt or seemed wrong, so I decided I'd call for a check up in the morning.

I took everything very slow and tried to stay as calm as I could. With all things considering, I still managed to have a lovely evening. I ended up crying at one point but played it off being upset that I was moving away.

I got home and tried to call “L”, still nothing. I didn't even know what I wanted to say. What was there to say?

I started to get worked up again, and the pain was back but a million times worse. I was in bed a something felt really wrong. I couldn’t do anything because no one knew I was pregnant. I got up to walk around to try and ease the pain and there was a pool of blood where I had been sitting. I rushed to the toilet and just sat there crying as I felt the blood falling from me.

I called “L” what seemed like a million times. He finally answered. I told him that I was pregnant and that I was having a miscarried. I needed him to come and take me to the hospital. I heard “B” in the background and he was whispering to her, telling her what was happening. All he had to say was “you know I can’t do that.”

I was alone. My miracle baby was leaving me. I felt him slip out of me. My boy was gone and no one else knew or cared. I couldn’t save him. I wasn't strong enough to hold him or keep him safe. I had done this and I would never forgive myself.

I took myself to hospital the following morning. “L” met me there and they confirmed that the miscarriage had happened. They said that the baby would have been roughly the size of a plumb or large lime. They gave me leaflets about miscarriages and numbers for support groups. “L” held my hand as we walked out. We both looked at each other and as a tear fell down my face he just held me. What are you meant to do in that situation? What are you meant to say?

“L” said he needed to go because “B” was waiting for him and he needed to end things with her. I asked him to see me later and said that I needed him at this time.

I didn't hear from him for a week. I was morning loosing my baby all alone. And whilst this was happening I was having to pack everything ready to move to a new home, leaving everyone and everything I loved. By the time I heard from him I knew he was still with her. I told him to never talk to me again. I blocked him and deleted him from everything. I wanted to leave him and every memory from him behind and start a new chapter. I knew it was going to take me a long time to recover from losing my miracle boy but I knew I had to look after myself and take time to process everything.

Time went by and the days got easier. I was focussing everything I had into my work at university. Then out of the blue one day I got a call from an unknown number. I answered it and it was “B”. part of me wanted to tell her to fuck off and hang up but I was curious as to what on earth she could want from me. I heard her out and it turned out that 2 weeks into “B” and “L” dating, after I said no to his proposal, he proposed to her and they had been engaged the entire time. “L” was cheating on her. On top of that she was pregnant. And to add insult to injury she was getting an abortion. She had everything I wanted and she was going to get rid of it. All the pain that I had worked so hard to overcome and conquer was back like a wave and it drowned me. I hung up the phone and let the waves crash around me. My boy was taken from me and she was going to get rid of hers just like that. Like it was nothing. She had the audacity to call and ask for advice. I’ll tell you some advice, go fuck yourself.

I just laid there letting the tears escape me.

At 3am I was woken up by another call and in my half asleep state I answered it and was welcomed by someone screaming down the phone. It didn’t take me long to wake up and realise that the familiar voice screeching through my ears was “L”. He was saying that I had no right to talk to “B” and I should stay out of their lives. I couldn’t help but laugh and that only made him scream more. I mean of all things in my life, this was the thing I wanted least. She had reached out to me, he was now calling me. I didn’t give a rats arse about them. I told him to never call me again and tell her to never call me either. They were getting their karma and it was well due.

Since then I only spoke to “B” once more and that was when I went back to my old job for the summer between my 1st and 2nd year of uni. But thats another chapter down the line.

“L” cheated on “B” for a long time and she ended up getting the abortion. To this day, from what I have heard over the years, they are still together and now have a baby. A part of me hates that they have their happy little family and I was the one who was hurt but I know this was my path and all of this had to happen to lead me to where I am today.

But one thing I'll say is that I no longer believe in princesses and fairytales. That part of me died the day I lost my little boy.

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