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An Open Letter to my Two Former Best Friends

For the record, I’m fairly certain the people I have written this to will ever see this.

I won’t lie, I had my own fair share of mess ups. I can’t say us parting ways wasn’t in part of because of my own actions. I won’t even justify my actions; I was angry, depressed, and lost in the world and while I was experiencing all those emotions, I did take it out on whoever was around me. However, in all my anger and depression, it becomes clearer and clearer to me every day that I have changed. Changed in the sense that I am not the child I use to be, and I don’t mean that to be condescending. I mean that I am not the same Stanley I was a year ago. That isn’t a plea for us to become friends again; it’s quite the contrary in fact. We may still have good times and laugh, but we can never go back to the way we used to be. I have no trouble admitting that because I don’t like who I was a year ago. I don’t mean I don’t like the depressed and angry Stanley (though, I did not like him either). I mean I did not like how I was easily so willing to allow my friends to become my priority. Don’t get me wrong, the people who are important in your life should always be a priority—they just can’t be who you prioritize over yourself, which is exactly what I used to do. I don’t ever intend to be that way again, not because I am angry or spiteful that because I prioritized you two and eventually left me, but because it’s just not healthy for someone to do that. I see now that at the end of the day, the only person I can truly ever rely on to fight for me, is myself. The only person that will ever understand my actions and my ambitions is myself, and I cannot rely on external approval to justify my actions. Sentimentality is what led to a close attachment that eventually could be used against me. I want to take the time to address individually why any relationship between me and you two cannot occur.

My dearest friend, the one who I could genuinely say was a best friend to me who understood what it was like to have the pressures of home life devour him and influence his choices, I want to say thank you. Anger and resentment aside, there is no denying you were a wonderful friend to me. It would be a blatant lie and morally repugnant to state otherwise. But, as is every friendship in life, it must cease someday. We are not who we used to be; our positions in this world, our desires, and our ambitions have shifted. I cannot say for sure what goes on in your head and I don’t want to. The way we used to function was we had intelligent conversation and I recall that being the healthiest our relationship was. You helped make me a more open person and certainly more spontaneous person, and therefore, able to handle spontaneity more easily. And for helping me develop those traits, I thank you. However, it is clear what we want in life is severely different, and the way we both function, when we think something works, we want to shout it from the rooftops and have the other person experience the same kind of happiness the other is. The problem with that is, in our own different ways, we are right for our lives, but not for the others’. We both want to lead a life of adventure, but our ideas of adventure are severely different. At the beginning of this year, when you left school and decided to try to forge your own path, I didn’t want you to do that. Quite honestly, I still don’t. Given the struggle I know that follows from that, I still don’t think it was the most optimal option; however, as I have learned in the last year, you cannot stop someone from doing something because at the end of the day, the second a person’s mind is set, it’s done. Persuasion only exists when a decision has not been made; the moment a person is sure, nearly nothing can sway them. And it is exactly for that reason you and I can never truly be friends again. We just fundamentally are too different and nothing we can say to each other will persuade either of us to stop and reconsider. There is no viable way in which we can co-exist in a friendship because at the end of the day, nothing the other says to one another can ever persuade. I certainly don’t blame you for this. We are who we are, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s just something I cannot have in my life. You are who you are, and I am who I am. You will never understand my ambitions and goals and I will never understand yours. I’ve made my peace with that.

 To my other best friend, the one who I initially did not like. Well, I guess ending the way we started makes sense to me. No, I don’t dislike you for what happened between us. I don’t even think dislike is the right word. However, I will be quite blunt and honest: we have a lot of issues between us. The fact of the matter is we just are not compatible. I don’t mean that in the sense of the Meyer-Briggs personality types that you and your friend group have an unhealthy obsession over. I mean in the sense that we don’t understand each other. I’m going to lay out what I feel, and I want you to understand that I am not saying this to shame you or tell you are wrong in your beliefs; I’m just telling you my opinions. You can choose to take them as severely or as lightly as you please. You come from a big family who have never been particularly supportive of each other. You have struggled every step of the way at home, and I understand why that affects you the way it does. In return for the way your home life was for you, I tried everything in my power to try to give you some peace. When you had no bed at home, my place was always open for you. When you had no money, I had no qualms about paying for you. The fact of the matter is, that’s just who I was as a person; be aware, I am not asking for any repayment or gratitude for helping you, that in itself is a reward. I am not here to call you out, but many times in your life, you have made excuses for actions that simply either don’t make sense or are just fundamentally incorrect. These actions are clearly linked to some kind of thought process I will never understand, and quite honestly, never want to understand. I fundamentally will never understand your actions, and I’m not going to pretend I ever will. However, the thing I want to make abundantly clear is when I talk to you and it ever becomes about topics regarding emotions, it seems like you talk down to me. You talk as though the experiences you are experiencing are this deep, surreal kind of experience that no person can ever come close to in their life. That became abundantly clear to me when you spoke of relationships and how you wish everyone could experience the kind of joy you were experiencing with your significant other. The fact of the matter is, I’m fairly certain I have and I’m more than certain other people have as well. I don’t appreciate being talked down to in that respect. When I have deep conversations with you, or rather, when you talk about deep conversations at me, I don’t have a desire to respond with what I actually think. The fact of the matter is, I don’t feel remotely comfortable at all telling you my thoughts because if they are contrary to what you say, I feel as though you bite the bullet and defend that position to death. I understand that this seems like an attack on you, and it’s not meant to be. I’m just laying out how I feel. I respect you as a human being and what you want in life; but what you want in life and what I want are also so fundamentally different. There is a much bigger picture that we just don’t see together, and you act like you do see the bigger picture and are super deep, but you’re just like everyone else. As you said to me once, when you hang with the wolves, you’ll eventually begin to howl; the fact of the matter is, you are not who I foresee calling my best friend and I already know I’m not who you foresee as your best friend. None of what I am saying is out of spite, resentment, or anger. It is just the reality of the situation. You laughed, saying “ha” loudly whenever there is any mention that I am in college. You scoffed at my ambitions and call them pointless because they fail to yield results in the present. You criticized my leadership within our old friend group; the fact of the matter is I took leadership out of necessity. I can count on a single hand the amount of times someone else in the group made plans and put actions in motion. You say it was because of my own desire for power. Last time I checked, I earned the right to take leadership when it was necessary, or am I forgetting all the times you and many others could drive people and host? You have always taken what I do as an attack on other people’s power and ego, when at the end of the day, everything I ever did was for my friends. To you, I am the enemy and threat. You flaunt around acting as though you have a huge arsenal at your disposal as far as resources go, all while boasting how you have your life so together. The plainest example I can think of is literally after the camping trip, when you said you may go camping separately sometime and I offered you to borrow my tent, tarp and other equipment because I already have it and it would make it so you did not need to spend unnecessary amounts of money. You proceeded to scoff at my offer and proclaim how you have so many resources at your disposal and taking my offer would be unnecessary. As your friend, I offered it to make your life easier. It wasn’t an attack on you about money, it was an olive branch. Whatever justification I’m sure you have, it’s not necessary. I’m not angry honestly, I’m just tired. I’m tired of going to friends who condescend at me for my ambitions and goals, acting as if they have the secret to life figured out. I am so damn tired of sacrificing my time, effort and resources towards friends who are unsupportive and unappreciative. I have found my own confidence and my own goals. I am starting a new chapter of my life and I don’t intend for you to make the cut.

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En plen air museum. This is what you are 🇮🇹🚤

#venezia #rivadeglischiavoni #thebespokedudes #filmfestival2016 (presso Riva degli Schiavoni)

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It’s September again, just like clockwork. Kids are back in school, the leaves are changing colors, and we’ve partnered with MADE (@made) to send some of Tumblr’s most dynamic creators to NYFW (@nyfwofficial) for the 12th year in a row. You can keep tabs on the best of the bunch over at our official Fashion (@fashion) Tumblr and in the #NYFW tag.

Please follow and enjoy this year’s bountiful crop of artists:

Jason Liu (@jsnliu)

Karston “Skinny” Tannis (@skinnywashere)

Asha Eifa (@ashaefia)

Rachel Scroggins (@thegreyestghost)

Ari Weiss (@ariweiss)

Stephanie Dimiskovski (@stephaniedimiskovski)

And those are just the new kids. You can see the whole list over at Fashionista’s (@insidefashionista) round-up.

Hats off to the whole crew. Or hats on. Whatever is in this season.

Photo credits go top to bottom and left to right in the order listed

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vogue living

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En plen air museum. This is what you are 🇮🇹🚤

#venezia #rivadeglischiavoni #thebespokedudes #filmfestival2016 (presso Riva degli Schiavoni)

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Inspiration of the day

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Ok, this is really nice combination. Purple and pink(ish) are really close to each others and blue works well with both. There’s 3 main colors 1 extra shade of blue (pocket square and buttonholes) and white as neutral.

More colors would be too much but 3 is just the right amount….+1-3 neutrals.

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World Photo Day @sony

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And I will smile. Because I’ll know that in this lifetime I had the sheer pleasure of meeting you.

fbg. (via wordsof-mine)

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Run Beagle Run

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Warren Cottage Extension and Renovation / McGarry-Moon Architects