anastasoula

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yeah

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This is me. Kinda jealous of all the writers who can write quickly because I can't.

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This is why I read the reddit comments

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Cyryl Polaczek — Funny Weather (oil on plywood, 2022)

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Courtesy of @narcosene on twit

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I want to go fishing with a man that cares about my wellbeing

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«I wanted to have a fight which wasn’t the kind of stuff that you see nowadays where everyone suddenly seems to know kung fu or mixed martial arts. Vampire Krav Maga was not really what we were looking for. It had to feel quite brutal. It’s an ugly-looking, exciting, dangerous fight. Really part of it is that it’s not much of a fight.»

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What do you think happens at those sexy Volturi masquerades every year? Like does Alec play pranks on visiting covens? Does Aro try to persuade some people to stay (forever)? Does Jane try to dance? Does Marcus look reasonably happy? I just want Volturi masquerade head canons plz. Can be dark or fluffy(also I love your blog)

I’m glad we’ve all mutually agreed that the Volturi throw a sexy vampire masquerade every once in a while. Because they totally do. 

Said masquerade, I imagine, serves as a tangible reminder of the benefits of the Volturi’s rule and a subtle display of their power. They open their home– including libraries and a few rooms of neat stuff they don’t mind guests knowing about– to other vampires, they break out the good blood, and Corin is given orders to mingle and exude contentment. (In her defence, she tries, but the awkwardness she radiates in formalwear is probably more palpable.) For a few hours, their undead invitees are supposed to feel like the Volturi’s strange, dark glamour is theirs as well. Now, onto the specific headcanons:

Aro, being Aro, is always trying to recruit visiting covens’ most interesting members. Thankfully, he’s playful about it, but the uninitiated are dragged into dancing with him for, like, seven minutes while he cheerfully discusses the benefits of joining the Volturi. And he can’t really dance. Double disaster.

So, um, about the blood. The Volturi are still perfecting whatever the vampire version of catering is. They’ve tried keeping humans in the dungeons until the masquerade (but disease spreads really fast), eating the human guests (but that inevitably causes the demise of someone important), a blood fountain (which doesn’t taste great), and massacring humans elsewhere (but travel is complicated). If they were less fancy, they’d just put Bring Your Own Blood on the invitations and call it a day. Alas, they are needlessly fancy. 

Alec spends the evening making faces at his reflection, complaining that his suit is suffocating him, messing up his own hair, and introducing himself using increasingly ludicrous names and titles. Jane, meanwhile, definitely tries to dance. Renata dances with her, completely delighted by the prospect of having a dancing buddy, and Felix spins her around really fast. Plus, many of the visiting covens have young female members, and they totally dance with Jane, in the sweetly awkward way of middle-schoolers living and dead. 

Marcus actually doesn’t mind masquerades. Oh sure, Sulpicia picks out an outfit for him, and if he doesn’t wear it, she follows his around like a small golden blob of wrath. But everyone is happy and there are a lot of truly well-matched couples around, which is soothing. 

Let’s be real: Caius and Athenodora spend the entire night glaring at guests, just waiting until one of them dares break the rules or the drinking-glasses. Actually, just about every coven has an Athenodora and a Caius (sometimes both!), and they congregate in the corner, all bird-faced and severe and judging. They quite enjoy themselves, actually. It’s nice to meet other people like oneself. 

On a sexy note, since I haven’t really touched upon that detail, there are a lot of annual hook-ups at the masquerade. You probably don’t want to go into the garden or library after midnight, because there are inevitably international diplomatic relations going on. 

To end with the petty: other ruling covens host their own celebrations throughout the year and invite the Volturi. Of course Aro takes careful notes and tries to out-decorate and out-celebrate them. The Volturi’s annual masquerade colour-scheme is a matter of great secrecy, even if it does end up being black and red and white and gold 90% of the time. 

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(x)

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I wish that Bella’s dreams were acknowledged more in twilight, but also the fact that sometimes information came to her through them and no one paused to think about what that means is so funny

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there's nothing more swagless to me than people who try to make vampires less horny. where's your fucking honor. "a vampire wouldn't care about being sexy while drinking your blood because they don't need to you're just a food source to them" WELL MAYBE THEY WANT TO. MAYBE SOME OF US ARE HOT ENOUGH THAT THEY'D BE WILLING TO TRY. EVER THINK ABOUT THAT HUH.

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how would you rank the volturi from least to most cringe (minus afton, of course because Cringe Georg is an outlier and should not be counted)?

I was going to say, you left out the most cringe one.

But alright, let's do this.

Caveat that we don't see much of the Volturi canonically, so this is my going on some major limbs here.

Caius

Look, Caius will light his own witness on fire with 0 regrets. The man defies cringe because there's only brutality and not a single moment wasted questioning it.

There's being certain of your decisions then there's being Caius.

Chelsea

While Chelsea failed when it came to making people like Afton (he was that cringe) she herself can tune relationships such that you don't find a cringey person cringe. That puts her towards the top of the list.

Heidi

By her gift, Heidi is the antithesis of cringe. She is so hot, you want to party with her and buy her timeshare/sketchy vacation package. You don't even question it, you're the one who feels cringe in her presence.

Demetri

Given Demetri's gift and his role and what we see of him, I imagine he's an extrovert and tries to stay on good terms with everybody. It's more or less his job to meet and greet, party, and make the rounds to make sure the Volturi can find who they need to.

To do his job properly, Demetri cannot be cringe.

Aro

While eloquently spoken and amiable from what we see of him, he did spend the entire meeting with Bella and Edward gushing about Carlisle. Neither Bella nor Edward noticed, but it was mildly terrible of him and gets him this spot in cringe jail.

Marcus

Canonically, Marcus is too depressed to function. The man can't say words, he's so depressed. Now, this isn't really cringe, as Marcus is too depressed to be cringe about anything, but it is really weird and probably uncomfortable in prolonged exposure from an outside point of view.

Bella got two seconds of him and she noticed the guy staring into space.

Felix

Canonically, Felix has said cringey things, such as telling Bella she looks hot as a vampire.

That was not necessary, Felix.

(He ranks higher than the others in that we only see him do it once and he's not necessarily cringe by his very nature/position. Had Felix gotten more lines, he'd be bumped up the list).

Renata

We don't see Renata much in canon. We know her backstory from the guide, which has uh some interesting details, and we know she guards primarily Aro.

This means most of her time is spent hanging around Aro, listening into conversations she wouldn't otherwise, and always being there in the room for... awkward moments such as someone's execution or painful conversations.

It's not so much Renata's cringe herself, but her very presence in moments where you'd just want to be talking to Aro, Caius, or Marcus means she's there too.

Corin

Corin isn't so much cringe herself, but she brings cringe with her. Her very power is to get you stoned. Corin is constantly the one sober person at a party, surrounded by people too drunk to function.

Jane and Alec

They're twelve forever. Twelve is the cringiest age in the world. Imagine being cringe forever with no hope of escape while also being two lethal death machines. The only person who will talk to you about pokemon is your sibling.

Eleazar

This one's more of a topic of hot debate, as our narrators think kindly about Eleazar but reading between the lines he was politely shown the door.

Afton

Look, he has to get mentioned. Infamous for being universally disliked and entirely useless.

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Photographed by Eleanor Hardwick for Hunger

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for my own reference;

You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile the world goes on. Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes, over the prairies and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers. Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, are heading home again. Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination, calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting - over and over announcing your place in the family of things.

yeah what's up man im just walking on my hands and knees through the desert repenting rn. wait what's that? are you kidding me?