ancientpuppets - Tumblr blog

[ancientpuppets]

After shoving Hansel in the oven, the witch turns to Gretel - who is currently fending the witch off with a gingerbread chair - and says:

“I can’t believe you thought a trail of breadcrumbs would save you. I mean, honestly, this is a forest! It’s full of animals. Honestly, the very idea that a dumb shit like you thought you could get the better of me is absurd.”

Gretel hits her in the face with said chair. To be fair to the witch, she takes the chairshot like a champ.

“Ow!”

“Did you know,” says Gretel, “that crows are capable of facial recognition?”

“Eh?” Says the witch, clambering to her feet and pulling a candy cane sledgehammer off the wall. “What’s that got to do with anything?”

“Not only that,” Gretel continues, “but they can remember both friends and enemies. And they’ll often follow people they remember as friends.”

The two fence with their sugared weapons for a moment, before the witch knocks the chair out of Gretel’s hands.

“Enough with the bird facts! Honestly, this whole attempted escape has been utter clownshoes. Get in the fucking oven!”

She seizes Gretel by the collar. Gretel immediately sandbags, letting her whole body go limp. This eminently practical defense forces the witch to try and deadlift her. Which is hard, as the witch often skips leg day.

“For example,” Gretel says, as the witch struggles and grunts, “if you feed crows a lot of breadcrumbs, they’ll probably start to see you as a friend and follow you in the hope of more food.”

The witch stops. Outside, she hears the thunder of wings.

“They’ll even bring you shiny things they find as presents!” Says Gretel, as a corner of the gingerbread ceiling is suddenly cut away by a large crow with a knife in its mouth.

“Oh shitballs.” Says the witch, as the crows descend. “I hope you know this is a great unkindness.”

“Technically,” Says Gretel, “It’s a murder.”

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I have can’t stop thinking of Penelope Featherington disease.

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why boy so pretty

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Colin could think of a hundred reasons why kissing Penelope Featherington was a very bad idea, the number one being that he actually wanted to kiss her.

He opened his mouth, hoping that a sound would emerge and that it might actually be intelligible speech, but there was nothing, just the sound of breath on his lips.

And then Penelope did the one thing that could break his resolve in an instant. She looked up at him, deeply into his eyes, and uttered one, simple word. "Please."

It made him want her with an intensity that nearly buckled his knees. He looked at her, and somehow he didn't see the woman he'd seen so many times before. She was different. She glowed. She was a siren, a goddess, and he wondered how on earth no one had ever noticed this before.

ROMANCING MISTER BRIDGERTON | Chapter 9

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Endless Fantasy High

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i wish i could look at this… and feel Normal™️

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blade of avernus wip

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you know it’s good when zac has brennan questioning if he’ll be able to finish the season nine minutes into the finale

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What is happening 😂 Rami being a cute dork on his birthday, from Polly Bennett’s IG story 🥰

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IT'S FINALLY FUCKING DONE. I'M FINALLY FREE

UNTIL FRAUD COMES OUT

Tumblr shrinks it down pretty bad so please. please. I am begging you. look at the full sized image and zoom in. This art piece made my friends worried for my mental health I need someone to witness the amount of detail and effort I put into this

also the original sketch under the cut bc I think comparing them is really funny

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I fell in love six months ago. I’m 42. I’ll let you know if it keeps.

I ALSO fell in love in my late 30’s. That one did not keep, thank christ, but it still counts.

But if this one doesn’t keep, and I find myself back unaccompanied once more, it won’t be the last time I fall in love. 

As cliche and saccharine as it sounds, love is kinda like life that way. It’s only over when it’s over. 

im listening to the book version of the anne hathawa*y rom com and it is even worse, my goodness, this female main character is a self obsessed elitist snob o.O

she also extremely fetishizes the male lead's youth in the same way my abusive ex did that is grossing me out. she talks about how beautiful he is with his smooth skin over and over. they have zero things in common beyond sex. dude run away from this woman. if she is only with you because of your tight skin and quick refractory period.... RUN.

like it would be one thing to read an age difference book where it truly was a meeting of hearts and minds and falling in love... but this aint it. :( i wanted a book that gave me hope about falling in love in my 40s since i squandered my 20s (abusive idiot), and my 30s (workaholic, unemployed). instead this is just squicking me out and making me never want to touch anyone else ever again -_-

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what are eldest siblings for if not telling you i stood up to our parents to live a happier life and so can you