andiemw

[andiemw]

Life is Fleeting

Obviously. This is not a new or even profound statement. Everyone knows life is short. But what about the things IN our lives? Those are fleeting too.

Sometimes I think about how I tell my wife I love her maybe 5-10 times a day. I don’t know if that’s often or not, but the words themselves are fleeting no matter how often I say them. I truly mean it with every ounce of me, but if I’m not also doing something to make her feel that this is true, the words are just a breath swept away by a breeze. And she deserves so much more.

Anxiety is also fleeting (though in my life it comes round and round again like a boomerang I just can’t drop). It’s that feeling, like a giant hand has wrapped around my chest and is squeezing me until I’m completely crushed. But that feeling is also fleeting. I have to remind myself of this often.

Last summer I was working as a nurse in a COVID/Med Surg unit of a large hospital. I had been doing this for almost a year and when I tell you I had anxiety because of it, it’s a massive understatement. It was war. It was hell. It was all encompassing and all consuming and there was no escape. I came home and it was on the news. I went to get groceries and people were sneering at me in my scrubs or talking about how stupid it was that they had to wear masks in Walmart. And I wanted to say, come do my job for one day and you’ll shut up.

Now I have a job I love. I get to work from home sometimes. I have autonomy. I get to make my own schedule. I absolutely love teaching. My coworkers are so wonderful that I also consider them friends.

I have a beautiful home with a glorious backyard that feels like a tiny paradise.

I have the most incredible wife. She is my rock. The singular piece of my life that keeps me going no matter what. She somehow looks at me when I’m falling apart (often for no reason) and doesn’t see someone broken. She just opens her arms to me and suddenly, all is right with the world again.

It’s easy to look at all these things and say, how on earth could you still have anxiety? Your life is so good! And that’s not an untrue statement. My life IS so good. But anxiety is a strange little monster. Sometimes it pops up for no reason at all. Sometimes it’s for good reason. But there’s something in it that I don’t think I’ve fully appreciated until recently.

It makes me a freaking badass.

You know why? Because I stare it in the face and tell it NO. Because every day I try to rewire my brain to think a different way. If I don’t, I’ll “what if” myself into oblivion. But what tomorrow brings really isn’t my concern today. Today only happens once in a lifetime. This moment is one I’ll never get back. And I’m not going to spend it being afraid of something that may never happen. Why make myself experience something that might never be? Or if it is to be, I’m just causing myself to endure it twice. No. I refuse.

Bravery isn’t the lack of fear. It’s forging on in the face of fear. That’s what facing anxiety is - brave.

So if you have anxiety and it hits you for some specific reason, or for no reason at all, I’m proud of you. I’m proud of you for being here despite it. I’m proud of you for getting out of bed and saying “this won’t bring me down today”. And for living today FOR TODAY.

Don’t think about tomorrow. Don’t think about the next hour. Think about now. Breathe in. Breathe out. You’re here. The things you’ve overcome to get to this moment, you made it through all of them. And you will make it through anything else that comes your way.

Throw that giant hand of your chest.

That feeling is fleeting.

Today is beautiful.

And so are you.

[andiemw]

Changing My Blog

It’s literally been 7 years since I last touched this site. Not surprisingly, a lot has changed in 7 years, so I’m completely renovating this blog. Previously I used this space to reblog everything Fringe and Bones and that was about it. Now this will essentially be my “public safe space”, if you will, for my inner ramblings about life. So for those few who currently follow me, you’re likely going to want to unfollow because the content is going to drastically change. I’m doing this solely for myself, and if that happens to help someone else along that way, all the better.

~Andrea

[andiemw]

(by susurri)

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I just want to quit it all to put my life away for just a moment and drag the cold metal across my skin watch the angry skin turn to red rising rivers and feel the sting of regret and relief why do I have such an allegiance to myself

[andiemw]

● October 11th 1976 ● Happy 38th Birthday Emily Erin Deschanel!

“I’ve never met an actress as sparkling as Emily. It’s just like a bottle of champagne that you uncork after shaking it!” - David Boreanaz

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Peter, what is happening to me?

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my biggest concern in life is actually how my online friends can be informed of my death

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If you think pubic hair on a woman is unnatural or weird, you aren’t mature enough to be touching vaginas.

Stoya   (via clit-lickk)

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Anna Torv as Olivia Dunham

  ↳ FRINGE - 1.16 Unleashed

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Career goal: Puppy Bowl referee.

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Laszlo Cardigan // designed by Alexis Winslow // from her new book Graphic Knits // yarn is Rowan Pure Wool Worsted in Satin and Clove // topdown and seamless with great detailing, highly recommended

Tips on my blog

My Ravelry project

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Circe by Sarah Cross (free pattern on Ravelry)

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A Trio of Drinking Chocolates by Jade M. Sheldon on Flickr.

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