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[andilou74-blog]

Before you cheat

OK, I’m not attention seeking and I am most definitely not the person to give relationship advice being a single mum of three. However there is something I need to put out there and make it be known to the world that there ARE always consequences for our actions.  Having recently joined a dating site due to being divorced (through being cheated on) and having had some married men approach me, I think it is time I said something.  If this saves one heart or one relationship then its a good thing.  I will describe the consequences from my point of view according to what happened to me, everyone’s situation is different but this could very well happen to you. Personally I would say its not worth it.

My husband of 15 years left me for a younger woman which resulted in the complete break down of my marriage. I had known this guy from being 15 years old when I started dating him and my marriage dissolved after being in a relationship with this man for 20 years. I was left with two daughters who were at the time 8 and 11.  Here goes this is what will happen to your partner when you get found out and you WILL.

She will be utterly devastated and believe that the bottom has fallen out of her world.  She will cry day and night for weeks and no one will be able to console her, no words will help and time won’t heal, saying it does is a myth. Being hurt in this way will always leave a major scar

She will be dying inside but having to put on a brave face if there are children involved. The children still love their father and she will do her best not to speak badly of him for the sake of the children because if she is a good mum she will want to spare them the hurt that she feels. She understands that her children are hurting and are very confused at the sudden change

She will lose her self esteem and her confidence, she will believe that everything she has done for you has been a farce.  She will believe that she is ugly and unlovable, she will lose heart, she will lose her self respect, she will start to hate her body, she will blame herself.....a scar that lasts for many many years

She will feel she has failed as she was unable to keep her man happy, she will also feel that she has let down her children, she will believe she has not set the children a good example of how relationships work even though it is not her fault

She will lose half a family.  Her in laws were considered her family too, she will have to come to love, respect and depend upon your family and that will be torn from her.  All family social events will change, you won’t be doing things together any more so she will become estranged to her in laws  AND SO WILL YOU.

She will not be able to trust her friends because she will probably believe that everyone knew what was going on apart from her (which is usually the case) The person cheated on is usually the very last to find out.

Her social status will change, she will no longer be Mrs and no longer will get the respect that the title gives you.  You may think this is rubbish but try losing your status and see what its like. You will pay more for insurance, you are more likely to be refused chance to emigrate to another country, legally she will become responsible for things on her own that can be very daunting. 

Financially she may now have to struggle to make ends meet, it may have been hard but believe me, when you are on your own out there to face the big bad world, its harder on your own.

Her health may suffer, it is likely the hurt may cause a severe depression which can have a knock on into other dimensions of her health.  I developed depression which was worse than previously.  I had to be medicated and i lost interest in absolutely everything that I once used to enjoy.  I became physically and mentally sick, developing scurvy because I didn’t eat which later developed into Fibromyalgia and ME (I still suffer to this day 7 years later)

Despair and loneliness is a horrible thing.  She will be the one at home left looking after the kids so there will be no social life and she will find it enormously difficult to find another partner, she may be so destroyed that she can’t trust again.

When you cheat on your partner, male or female, you actively destroy them inside and out.  Their life stops and this can go on for years. They don’t just simply pick up the pieces and move on just because you have.  The conflicting emotions inside are exhausting and debilitating.  Its hard to function when your heart is broken into so many fragments, that heart may never heal.

Please please, before you feel you are bored and are looking for a fling, a bit of extra marital sex, a bit of fun here and there, please try to fix what is wrong with your current relationship. Try to put the wrongs right, talk about it, dont be embarrassed, please just talk about it and find a solution before you break a heart and destroy a soul.  Something attracted you to that person in the first place, surely you can find it again, you can always put the spark back.  Please do not cheat, talk just talk. Communication is the key issue, there is no need for hurt, lies and deception and if you really really cannot find a way to fix your problems, only then discuss a separation and then make it temporary and see how you go.  Don’t look for another partner until you are single.  

We can all be better people, we can all treat each other with respect, it starts now, it starts by respecting yourself as well as others.

Rant over.

[andilou74-blog]

28th February 2017

Well today has been quite difficult for me.  It hasn’t been the best of days to say the least.  Firstly I forgot it was pancake day (Shrove Tuesday) until I took my little one to nursery and they were decorating pancakes. Anyway that was easily sorted.

Secondly my ex husband tells me that as our oldest daughter is going to turn 20 soon he is no longer going to be financially responsible for her and will no longer pay any maintenance for her keep. Legally he is not obliged to but seeing as she is still in full time education, suffers badly with anxieties and will be applying to University for September I think morally he still has a right to contribute to her upkeep, I am not going to withdraw help and support to her, I still have to pay the bills, the food, the heating etc.....so why shouldn’t he carry on supporting his child until she has a job, fair enough when she is earning cut the funds that’s cool but he is still her father and nothing has changed apart from her age.

Thirdly I get a text message from my landlords agency telling me that I am about to be given an eviction notice as I am apparently £327.50 in arrears with my rent because the housing benefit hasn’t been paying the top up. This is the very first I have heard of it, I had no idea the housing benefit wasn’t paying, I had no idea I had a shortfall, no idea of this situation because no one corresponds with me in writing.  My landlord has used four different agencies in the last six months so I no longer know where or who or what the money needs paying to........despite the fact I have a leaking radiator, leaking gutters, no light in my bathroom, not enough plug sockets, blocked drains, etc.....maintenance to this property is just not being carried out........so thats another worry

Fourthly, I thought I was going to get lucky.  I joined a dating site which was free hoping to find my true love, hearts and flowers and all the rest of it and it turns out that the man who I was going to meet is a liar, married and has no intention of wanting the same things as me yet was happy to go along with it, make promises he had no intention of keeping knowing that he was ultimately going to hurt me.  

What a bloody week....and its only fucking Tuesday!!!!!!!

Anyway being the arty fart, kind of artistic person writer thingy ma jingy that I am, here is a bit of apt prose that I wrote off the cuff

Bring it On

Right big dark world,throw what the hell you want at me. You can beat me, kick me, burn me, use me, abuse me, hurt me, lie to me, evict me, convict me, slash me, harass me, take from me, smother me, suffocate me and ditch me all you damned like but ya know what cruel evil bitter beast that is....... You will never ever bring me down or cause me to hang my head in shame. I am better than this and you know it, like a phoenix from the damned ashes I will rise!!!!!

and so be it ha ha

Until next time!!!

[andilou74-blog]

24th February

Who are you? well THIS IS ME

OK I recently joined something and on sign up it says 'Who are you, describe you' so I decided that could be a good blog post because sometimes I think on social media it is easier to see some text and not really understand the person behind it. So here goes, this is me warts and all.

I am 42, female,a divorced single mum with 3 daughters aged 19,17, and 3. I have many interests including supporting Leigh Centurions rugby league, reading historical novels mostly WWII era but not exclusively that. I love to write both poetry and fiction and have some published.

 I used to figure skate but the bones and back won't allow me to do so at present.

 I am very arty farty with a temperament to match. I love all kinds of arts and crafts including card making, Venetian mask making, colouring, cross stitch.

 I love music from Classical, 1940's, to Megadeth. I am obsessed with Matt Goss and I am watching Bros twice in August. I have been to many concerts from Erasure to WASP and Marilyn Manson. I can play the organ, keyboards, bass guitar, drums, recorder, violin but don't find the time to partake at the moment.

 I guess I am very Bohemian. I love the 1940′s from style to music but I also love anything Victoriana and pretty much anything historical from fact to fiction from text to period dramas.

 I love animals more than people but that doesn't rule out people. I am a very compassionate person, I love to help and will give all that I have to ease suffering. I hate conflict, racism and prefer to see myself as a humanitarian and would rather spread love and harmony not hurt. I am now a pagan in belief but no longer practice or belong to any groups. I am very spiritual and sometimes meditate and I believe I am a Reiki healer.

 I have been in the TA, I have helped with the air cadets and I have been a nurse/midwife which I loved but for health reasons I cannot do this anymore

. I drive an Astra, I have ridden on motorbikes but I am not a thrill seeker. I am sure there are a lot more positives to me somewhere but I also have negatives.

 I suffer from arthritis, degenerative disc disease including a tear in the L4 disk. I have ME/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, I also suffer from depression for which I am medicated. I get hurt, offended and cry very easily but that is because I am a very sensitive, passionate, caring individual and I have had my heart broken more times than I care to mention.

 I have a tendency to be a bit irritable, negative sometimes and I am an untidy sod even though I try hard to get shit sorted.

 I am sick of being single but such as life, it would be nice to have a partner for cuddles n stuff. I don’t like being alone as I am a very tactile and physical person (relationship wise) and lack of physical contact makes me feel physically ill and depressed.

I cannot be doing with soaps on TV and I would much rather watch a decent period drama.  I also don’t like shopping, I find it tedious and a chore.

I believe there is far more to every single one of us than just text on a screen, we are all people with real feelings and lives and sometimes that can get lost on the internet. How about you, WHO ARE YOU???

[andilou74-blog]

31 Jan 2017, Life!

I can not understand nor condone the divisions that are already apparent and are currently being created in this world. In 2017 after all the recent horrific events of the past surely it is time to build bridges, to love and accept, to embrace each others differences rather than create further segregation and division. We are all human beings. We are all one race regardless of colour, religion, creed, sex, age, ability. We are all one yet we seek to divide. This world is madness.

To live, to be alive. To be able to love and explore, to be able to learn and to experience joy are the greatest wealth's this planet has to give, why are we always seeking more? why do we need to have more than our neighbours, brothers and sisters. When will humanity lean to be happy with what it has, to embrace what we are given rather than seek more. Greed is evil, it creates war, division, hunger, starvation, famine, destitution. Governments are guilty of this, its time to heal the world, not break it any further.

[andilou74-blog]

17 October 2016

Fighting for what we believe in, is there a point?

Today, I think not.  I will outline why 

This may be attributed to my ‘dark shadow’ of depression and ‘over sensitivity’ I don’t know but I have come to the conclusion that a single person on their own cannot change opinion or sway decisions, nor can it motivate lethargic people who maybe are sympathetic to your cause, to act.

I have a cause that I hold dear to my heart.  I believe that progress is essential to the continuation of our species but not at the expense of others. I do believe there is a need for new homes but it is not essential as there are thousands of empty properties on the market and I certainly don’t believe that new dwellings should just be built for mindless capitalistic profit at the expense of natures habitats. 

I believe that green belt land should be left to grazing, farming or whatever its purpose, or our suburbs and countrysides will become nothing but a concrete jungle or a mass workhouse on a catastrophic scale.  Nature is beautiful, its there, its on the door step, its fresh, its green, its clean, its free and it is there to be loved and enjoyed.  It certainly isn’t or shouldn’t be somewhere that large companies pollute, destroy and build upon just to line some rich CEO pockets or inflate already overly huge disgustingly inflated bank accounts.

Unfortunately as a species we have learned to live ‘away’ from the land and not with it.  Nature doesn’t seem to be that important any more to many people as their lives now revolve around technology, social media, a world made of wires and information whilst the love and appreciation of the world around us seems to be fading into obscurity.  

I have tried to fight for the survival of Hulton Park estate, an area of land that has long been close to my heart.  A private estate that once held a mansion and was owned by a grand man Sir. Geoffrey Hulton.. In days gone by horse pulled coaches used to take the aristocracy to grand balls held here but that was many years ago.  The estate is also a mass memorial to one of the worst pit disasters in history where some 344 men and boys lost their lives. This disaster affected every family in the local areas and to this day touches the hearts of many.  There is a monument close to the pit head bearing the names of every soul who never made it out of that pit on that sad day over a hundred years ago.  Today the land boasts several working farms and stabling for equine activities who use the bridal paths and hacking routes as well as the grazing area.

 Sadly the owner of this land passed away having no children and the land was left to his nephew who lived in South Africa who unfortunately has no interest in the estate and therefore sold it to a massive corporate billionaire company who do nothing but build and build and make false promises, raping the land of its life and beauty, destroyers of nature, habitats and tranquility all for profit.  Our beautiful estate is destined to have an eighteen hole golf course built upon it and many, many houses thus destroying everything in its path all for the sake of greed.

I have fought, created petitions, started to arrange a protest, e-mailed the huge company, e-mailed the local MP, but I seem to have ran into a spot of bother with other peoples opinions.  I am a believer that opinions are like arseholes and everyone has one but what is up with people today? Why do people not have the capacity within themselves to agree to disagree? Why do people think that its great to insult and attack others over social media who have a different opinion.  I do not expect everyone or the world to agree with me, god no that would be a travesty as there are times I could even disagree with my own opinion that I held at an earlier date.  The world is a massive place and it would be absolutely boring if we all thought the same about everything, but where is the understanding, patience, compassion and thoughts for others? Why and how did people change from being close as a community to being at absolute logger heads and have a distinct intolerance with each other.  

Therefore although the fight is justified, in my case I no longer feel that its worth fighting for what I believe in.  All that happens is that people who do not agree start arguments, start to be hateful, start to belittle and degrade me, try to drum it into my head that I am wasting my time and then start to belittle my intelligence, start to pick out where perhaps I should have put a comma in my social media text,  trying to insinuate that I have no intelligence, well maybe I don’t. I after all must be extremely mindless to open myself up to this sort of abuse especially in my state of health.  

Why do I even post this? I really do wonder.

Further reading if you are interested in some of the history of the Hulton Park estate can be found here:  

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hulton_family_of_Hulton

[andilou74-blog]

New Blog

Well, if you are reading this, it is likely you know who I am but for those who don’t I am Andrea, some of my friends call me Andi for short.  I am in my early 40s, I’m divorced and have three beautiful daughters who all live with me. Two are in their late teenage, one of them is a toddler and an absolute handful

I have many varied interests including photography, learning anything that grabs my attention, historical stuff, reading reading and more reading, arts and crafts and many many more.

I try to make the best of what I have despite suffering with a damaged spine, depression, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome and a messed up gall bladder that is due to come out.  I do not let these conditions define me but they are a big part of me.

I guess I have decided to have a blog to use as a bit of a diary but also for somewhere to post my thoughts, feelings, rants etc. I figure I can use it as therapy, maybe something to look back on to see if I am making progress in any parts of my life that I feel I need to improve on.

So that’s the introduction, I wonder what will come next?