andrewnimos-blog
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Blog about my thoughts.
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The 4 hours of sleep I had last night are really starting to bite me now
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I miss them.
I really want to talk to them but I know I shouldn’t, so I won’t.
I know I was planning to finish up the ‘what happened in September’ thing I was writing but you know me. I’m lazy as fuck and run out of motivation faster than my phone runs out of juice. I won’t be writing anything about that in the near future After all, what’s the point?
I thought about calling Julia today just to hear her talk but I decided against it. I’ve been bad enough of a person to her. She doesn’t know it, but I’m a bad person.
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All alone again
It was fun while it lasted, and it lasted an entire day. I guess I should be grateful that she was even willing to pay attention to me for that length of time.
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I’m really fucking lame and useless
Feel like puking
Why do uni apps have to be so tiring to do
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The next day, September 12th, Janet began talking to me out of the blue. She messaged me on Instagram asking how I was doing. We’d never talked much before; we only ever said ‘hi’ to each other along school corridors back when we were still in school.
It was very nice of her and I was cheered immensely. We talked about our own struggles with relationships and discussed stuff. I think at this point I knew better than to let myself get too attached to her, which was just as well, because a week later we stopped talking.
I’m still pretty happy at how it turned out. We stopped talking not because I said anything explicitly stupid, only because I was gushing too much. It wasn’t an acrimonious break by any means. And I did get to talk to her for an entire week, which I find to be a pretty good length of time, more than I realistically expected.
She left for her university in the UK this Tuesday. I wished her a safe flight and a good experience. She gave a lukewarm response, which I guess given our history isn’t too bad.
I’m pretty glad I got to talk to her as much as I did. It was a nice distraction.
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Lots of things have happened since the last time I posted anything here.
On August 30 I accidentally met Samuel, Errol and Dylan at the nearby McDonalds while I was out with my family having dinner there. It was very awkward and I did something somewhat rude and embarrasing because I just wanted to get away from them.
The next day my parents and I left for a holiday to Hokkaido, and we came back on the 9th of September.
On the 11th, I finally got the guts to apologise to Samuel for what I did. His response was lukewarm. I thought he might want to talk more with me but after a while it became extremely apparent that he didn’t want to do anything of that sort.
As below:
Me: ...”Any other spicy things happen?”
(long long pause where he greyticks me while reading and talking in other groups)
I got pretty pissed. Pretty fucking pissed. I don’t know how to describe it now but I really would have exploded if he’d been in front of me in real life.
Me: If you don’t want to talk to me that’s fine.
Me: Just fucking tell me
Me: Night
His reply was pretty quick (ha. fuck you samuel. FUCK YOU SAMUEL. YOU WOULDN’T FUCKING BELIEVE HOW FUCKING PISSED I WAS):
Sam: Yea I didn’t really feel like it
SO FUCKING TELL ME? DO YOU NOT THINK I’LL GO AWAY IF YOU TELL ME TO? THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN DOING ALL THIS FUCKING WHILE.
Sam: Ok I apologise for leaving you hanging like that
Nice. Very nice. Of course, you wouldn’t need to be sorry if you just gave me a straight fucking answer.
Sam: But I feel like we really got nothing to talk about now
Man. Fuck you.
Sam: Don’t take this as hostile btw
Too fucking late.
Sam: I just feel like we haven’t talked to each other in a while and we just became distant
Yeah, that’s exactly right. And I might have played a part in this too. I know I’m overly sensitive and all.
But you didn’t make it any fucking easier, did you? Half a year ago, when I wanted to talk to you over the phone, you always gave stupid fucking excuses for why you didn’t want to talk with me now: you were tired, you were busy, you just ‘didn’t feel like it’. How the fuck am I supposed to know when to talk to you, when you’re free and willing to talk back to me?
Ok. What about meeting up and talking in real life? I thought that might be an okay alternative. Then came that time in Feb where you fucking bailed out on me without telling me. Errol and you kept finding stupid excuses to reschedule and cancel appointments.
When we met up in June, I did not get a good change to talk to you or Errol. The both of you kept talking about your own experiences over the past half year. I barely had a chance to talk about what I wanted to talk about, before the two of you packed up and left.
Maybe that was the fucking plan all the while, wasn’t it?
I can’t talk to you online. I can’t talk to you in real life. I think it’s obvious that you just don’t fucking want to talk to me.
You know what? I think you didn’t ever want to talk to me. I know I’m a burden and I’m no fun to talk with anymore. SO WHY DIDN’T YOU FUCKING TELL ME, HUH?
We’ve grown more distant? Who was it who used to try to talk to you and ask how your day was going? Did you ever want to know how my day was fucking going you retarded piece of trash?
As I’m typing this out I can see that he’s online on Whatsapp. Ha. Talking to people, chatting with them, having topics to talk about and gossip to share.
Guess I’m still fucking pissed at him after all. Hah.
When I apologised to him earlier in the conversation, he gave this response:
Sam: It’s ok
That was actually quite reassuring. But then came the next part.
Sam: I know things have been hard for you so I didn’t really want to disturb you.
Okay now you’re fucking stretching it.
Sam: Hope you’re also doing better
Stop with the fucking platitudes and admit you don’t fucking care.
You don’t care, like how you conveniently forgot my birthday when I’d wished you yours a month earlier.
“Didn’t want to disturb you”? You didn’t want to fucking disturb me?
Fuck you man. Stop rationalising it. You don’t like me and don’t want to talk to me, that’s why you didn’t. Stop trying to explain that you’re doing it for my good, that you’re fucking concerned about my welfare. If you were, you’d have tried to reach out to me instead of me always being the one who initiates conversations.
Oh my god. I’m still fucking pissed about this. You actually believe that by not talking to me you’re doing me a fucking favour? When did I ever say that I wanted to be left alone? You’re the one who’s been saying that all the while.
The fucking audacity to say this kind of thing. God. I’m pissed.
I know I’m rambling with this and it’s becoming incoherent, and probably a heavily biased account of what happened. If anyone other than me reads this I want you to just get the gist of what I’m saying, and not take it at face value. I’m in no mood to argue for real now. I’m just venting
And this was the first big thing that happened in the past month.
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God. I”m such a bad son. I’m such a disappointment to my parents.
They’d disagree but it’s still true. Wasting my time doing stupid and useless shit. Being disrespectful and snappy towards them. Telling them to go away when they’re trying to help me and joke and have fun and just interact with me. I wish I could be a better son to them and not have their hearts sink a bit whenever they think of me.
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Fuck, I’m really missing Samuel right now. Wish I could talk to him. Not just say a few awkward words, but really talk. I wish I could be next to him and joke and laugh and smile and think and feel.
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Had a lunch with Julia and Katrina on Monday. Partly good, partly bad.
I think Katrina doesn’t really care about me anymore. Again, as I’ve said previously, maybe she used to, maybe she never did, but nowadays she seems to mostly reply with monosyllabic answers or ‘idk’, when she used to give longer replies. I guess I should be grateful she hasn’t ghosted me totally, shouldn’t I? In any case, during the lunch I very very very quickly exhausted common topics to converse with her. I didn’t expect it to happen so quickly. All these months of talking less and less, you would expect I have a lot more things to share with her, but the reverse turns out to be the case. The less I talk with her, the less I can talk with her.
I think she’s moved on far far far with her life in the past six months. She’s entered uni now and she has a new host of friends and things happen to her. I just haven’t kept up with it and now I’m on the inside when I used to feel like I was on the inside.
Maybe I never was on the inside? Now there’s a somber thought.
She did look good, and it was great to see her in person, with all her characteristic mannerisms and turns of phrases.
Wish I could be close to someone I want to be close with.
I know it’s my fault that this turned out the way it did. If I hadn’t been so fucking emo, it wouldn’t have turned out this way. If I had been less socially awkward things would be better. Maybe if I were just a more appealing and less boring person overall, she wouldn’t be so turned off as she is every time I open my mouth, because every time I open my mouth I talk and talk and talk only about myself and my own thoughts and my own fucking opinions as if they fucking matter.
Anyway, Julia was better (maybe because I’ve been talking to her more than with Katrina) to talk to. Talking to her didn’t feel as cringy and awkward on my part as it does with most other people I used to hang out with.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be prepared to tell her I have a crush on her. Oh well. It would never work even if I did.
There’s a chance I could go out with Julia again later in September, but it’ll be tight. After that she’ll be going to the UK to study Law for three years and we won’t really be able to talk f2f, which reminds me that my own uni preparations kind of fucking suck.
Fuck.
I wonder how Samuel and Errol are doing. I’d like to ask them but I know they wouldn’t want to talk to me. It’s been two months since I’ve talked to either of them and I miss them. This week I thought about Samuel a bit more than usual.
I dug up an year-old recording of Samuel playing the first two sections of Chopin’s Scherzo No 2 for me. Nostalgia, man. I wish we were still that close. I’ve started learning it too. Something else to remember him by.
Wish things could go back to the way they were.
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Wonder how much they think of me, if at all.
Don’t know what I’d prefer honestly. If they didn’t think about me, I could leave and no one would notice. On the other hand, I could leave and no one would care.
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It’s confirmed. Katrina doesn’t care.
I’m a chore and a distraction to her. I wish I weren’t but I am.
I’ll leave her alone from now on, as much as I can.
I did predict this some months back. I’m not too surprised that it did happen. But it sucks all the same.
Oh well.
Time to wait for it to happen to Julia and Woosh too.
Then I’ll really be alone.
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FUck fuck fuck I fucking suck so much.
FUck it’s happening.
I can’t even talk to Katrina and Julia now. I can’t even have a proper conversation with them. It’s hard talking to them. Feels like I’m wasting their time.
FUck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
I was playing SC2 just now and I played extremely badly. I raged quite a lot. Punched the balcony window and said “FUCK” extremely loudly. Mom was inside and heard and asked what was going on. I’d forgotten that she was still at home, otherwise I obviously wouldn’t have shouted that loud enough for all our neighbours to hear. Embarrassing as fuck, and it revealed to my mother that I get easily frustrated. Not like she hasn’t suspected, but still I shouldn’t have done that. Add that to the long list of mistakes and blunders I did today.
You know, it seems like Katrina doesn’t really care. Maybe it’s just the way she talks online but I can’t help but feel that I’m just some distraction to her. I don’t think I used to be but it’s definitely the case now.
Everyone’s so busy. No one has time for me. No one wants to know about me (except my parents). I know I should be grateful that they care this much, but right now I want love from some other people.
fucking hell I’m so much of a whiner. other people might kill to be in my position but all i do is squander my chances and let them all go to fucking waste fuck fuck fuck fuck fuc kfc ufck ufc kfcu kfc cuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. WHy the fuck can’t I get myself together?
Made a couple of stupid mistakes again at work.
I’m feeling bored. I’m feeling bored because I can’t/don’t want to do anything. I suck too fucking much at games to be satisfied playing them and i get really frustrated when i do. Music reminds me how shit I am at the piano and when I try to compose I get stuck immediately when I realise how stupid my tunes sound. I try to study maths and music and science and other stuff by myself but I just can’t find the motivation to do anything over a period longer than a day. Writing is hard. At least I can write here though. What I write here is private and from the heart and not fake and I want to get it down so that there’s a record of my thoughts somewhere in this world.
All the stuff above seems to paint me to be a lazy quitter. Well then, call me a quitter. I won’t deny who I am.
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Ah
I’m missing Samuel pretty badly now. I wish we were still friends. I wish I hadn’t been so stupid and foolish as to drive him away
I don’t know if I’ll ever talk to him properly again, or whether it’ll be stilted and awkward as usual. Or maybe we won’t ever talk. Maybe he’ll not even bother.
I’ve got something cooked up for about half a year from now. Let’s see how he responds then. Let’s see how they respond then.
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Oh damn. This weekend has been sad.
I fucked up with one of my tuition students. I’m a bad teacher, it’s just that they don’t realise it yet.
Also, I just saw Katrina’s Instagram story from about an hour back. She’s having dinner with some of her friends, including Julia. They’re smiling and seem to be having fun.
I don’t know whether I should remind Julia about what she agreed to do. Got a feeling she forgot. Also got a feeling that she doesn’t really care. It’s me, after all. I’m not really worth anyone’s time or attention. Another spoilt, whiny brat who refuses to do what he should and blames others and his imaginary depression for his own failings. A lazy, uninteresting, good-for-nothing waste of a person who’s not worth anyone’s time.
I wouldn’t be too upset if the meal date with Julia and Katrina didn’t go through. It’s not as if I haven’t entertained the notion, nor is it unexpected. But I do want to pass Julia a gift before she leaves for a long long while and maybe the best time to do that would be over a meal. I could always do it another time.
Talking to people is hard when you know they don’t want you there.
My brother doesn’t really like to hear me wax lyrical about the stuff I like. He gets tired of it. He’s polite enough to ride it out but I can tell. I really shouldn’t bother him with this kind of stuff but he’s the only single person I do it to and if he goes I literally will not be speaking to anyone about the things I enjoy. And nobody will be speaking to me either.
How did my fucking life turn out like this.
I’ve been reading Charice’s and Beie’s Twitter pages for months now, refreshing multiple times a day to follow them. It’s good to keep up with people even if they don’t know it.
Janet’s poetry slam event was earlier today. I hope it went well for her, and that she enjoyed it. She, along with the rest of her team, really had the guts to pull this off, and that’s no mean feat.
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