Last Seen Blogs
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Stressed
I’m sitting in my Aunt Lenore’s car. It’s a rusty old buggy car, my dad nicknamed it the ‘dust wagon’, Aunt Lenore doesn’t approve. She’s driving me to school. Everything in this car always feels wrong, I feel like I'm going to cry every time I open the passenger door. “Stop being such a baby Jamie” says the old woman, my aunt. My face scrunches up, my head is throbbing and I can’t feel my legs.
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White is Cold as Ice
What is cold?
Frost bitten noses
Fingers turning black
Life fading out of my body
Slowly
Bit by bit
I become a lifeless form.
Eyes aching to release my tears
Ears cut off with a blade of ice
Legs too useless to run
Winter leaves no survivors
Blood spattering on the ground
Drip
Drip
Dripping from cruel death’s scythe
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My Education
First Grade
Kids avoiding me because i had a disease worse than cooties, autism. diagnosed at 5-years-old. teachers holding me back and treating me like a liar. the youngest in the class no one even takes you seriously.
Second Grade
My first encounter with the word retard the two boys tricked me into calling myself, as the booger flavored chocolate milk from the cafeteria is spilled on my favorite sweater.
Sixth Grade
hands not my own touching me, someone i thought i could trust ripping up my insides with empty words that poisoned my brain for the next 7 years. He took away my innocence that day, the moment he raped me shattered my body soul and mind, i will never get those back will I?
Seventh Grade
Am I a boy or a girl? I dont know, all I know is if people find out i'll be the center of bullies attention again, oh god, please no. Is it because of him that i'm this way? My parents are going to hate me for this wont they, they always get mad at me for something. I plunge the knife into my wrist as I slowly starve myself to death, I just want to be liked.
Eighth Grade
You should have kept it inside. Mom is so mad for wanting to be a boy, i'm sorry mama, i thought this is what you wanted? Why can't you love me like my big brother? Big white crocodile tears cover the pillow, no one wants me.
Ninth Grade
I'm out of my body. That was the only thing I felt after dad broke the news papadon died. It should've been you who died dad. I wish that heart attack took you away you stupid mean old man. This is all your fault. All that echoes in my mind forever reverberating off every mirror of sound.
Tenth Grade
She forced me off hormones, something that made me feel comfortable as myself, so she could date the dead girl body i walk around in like a costume. Lies oh so many lies she told me. I wish I could forget your poisonous words that stick in my head like thorns.
Twelvth Grade
12 is the worst number other than 3 and 5. Theres too many, but maybe this year i can show my parents that i’m a person, not an adult or a worker. Of course it doesn’t work as i get yelled at for the 30th time because a dish was washed in the wrong direction. I’m so confused, why is appeasing them so hard when they refuse to do the same for me? Humans demand too much.
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Recipe For A Blueberry Pie (four stars)
,Add 2 12 cup of flour,
Or you know grab the whole thing.
Why did you do that? You always ruin everything you little shit, I don’t know why I let you in my kitchen. Oh you… grabbed the measuring cup. Okay just don’t touch anything.
One teaspoon of salt- hey what did I say about touching things?! Just be normal you little freak, i’m only letting you in the kitchen because your father will get mad if I don’t make this pie. Just stand back.
One tablespoon of sugar.
One stick of cold unsalted butter
Eight tablespoons of water, iced.
Now roll the dough
*Crash*
God damn it what is she doing now. Fucking attention seeking brat.
Oh…
She’s bleeding…,
Tears falling from the eyes of the child as the unloving mother cradles it in her arms.
,Why did you do this??? What is wrong with you? Don’t you know what you’ve done? I’m not rushing you to the hospital.,
,I’m sorry mommy.,
The child cries more, all it wanted was to be loved by mother. Slowly bleeding out to death over mothers disgusting pies.
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Robo-Girl
In a field sits a girl, repairing her robotic cube. She sits alone, except for the company of her loyal cyberhound. It sits idly by, playing with butterflies in the grass, waiting for its owner to finish repairing her equipment. Tools are strewn about the ground of the small clearing, small whirring machines awaiting repair and use of their services to the girl. She sets down her cybernetic gloves and takes off her glasses and smiles down at her repaired device. “It’s good to have you back in service, old friend,”
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Darkness in Void
Darkness englufs the world around you. Your form is lost into the void, you have lost control. Arms going limp, legs paralyzed with terror, and a heart just faintly beating. Suddenly, the void is filled with shreiks and pain, hands grabbing every inch of your body, pulling you into the thick black of darkness.
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Song of a Dead Rabbit
I am the dead rabbit on the side of the road.
Motionless in death, faintly is my fur blowing in the piercing wind of spring.
I am unseen in your disgusting eyes, like the cars in the rural street.
I am lifeless and still.
Still i sat, through your harsh words cutting through my paper skin.
Your hands like lemon juice on the wounds.
You've given me an apology that cannot tie up what you've done, like ribbons on a birthday gift for that 11 year old girl.
Blood trickling on my forehead and sticking to yours like cold sweat.
You raped and killed me, dumped me here and left my body to rot.
A body you called beautiful and all yours, which you violated and destroyed like a fragile doll.
Now, I am just the dead rabbit on the side of the road.
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The Old Grandfather Clock
Time is the numbers that appear on your watch or the old grandfather clock that sits in the neatly organized room of your grandmothers house who you hate. Hatred like a homesick kid not liking gross raisin woman kisses and skeleton hugs who calls you a brat and a name that has never belonged to you. A name your parents forced on you at an early age, it always sounded disgusting and never fit, people say you wear names like clothes, not being able to find one that fits right and they’re always complaining about you changing. Changing is a part of life, when you’re a kid you want to change and be amazing things, when you’re a teenager who got harrassed by everyone around you for changing from being a girl to a boy, when you’re an adult i’m not sure because I thought I was going to kill myself before I turned 16. 17 years of my life wasted i’m going to be 18 soon, i’m so lost and confused I’ve failed so many classes I don’t think i’ll graduate, so i may as well just drop out and run away. All I ever did as a kid was run away, never feeling like I belonged in my own home. It’s hard to belong when you have an older brother with autism that people care for more than you and an older sister who was always prettier and better than you and people always liked her more. You are the one piece that doesn’t fit, a puzzle with an oddly shaped piece, they always say being unique is good and to love your bizarre qualities but what if you’ve always been looked down upon, called a freak, gotten raped, you need to accept jesus as your savoir, you are so gullible how could anyone possibly love you. You are unlovable, your parents are constantly disappointed by you, you should just kill yourself because no one would give a shit. I mean hell you’re dating some guy online you’ve never met before, you’re a virgin at 17 years old, and a detransitioned freak who should have never opened up to that girl, who ruined you and took your ability to trust away just like everyone else did. Who broke down you walls and killed you, who made you think you had to conform to what other people liked, you are such a crybaby.
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The Box
You cant do anything if you dont get your grades up.
I am stuck in a box of pain and words that are hurting me.
My parents like to put me in this box when they get mad at me for having bad grades in school.
“You’re too young to understand.”
And you’re too old to sleep with stuffed animals,
Yet you still grab that old dog from ikea and curl up with it every night while you cry about how your parent’s dont love you as much as your siblings.
I am stuck high up in a tree, too scared to get down.
You’ll only look weak if you ask your help
You wanted so badly to climb up in the first place.
I feel like a lost torn kite, maybe someone will come and get me, but for now my parents are too mad at me to care about my health.
When I come home from school my parents put a lock on the box to ensure that I dont get out yet I still chip away at the walls with a pocket knife my dad got me from the camping goods store when I was 13, the first time I thought I would finally be recognized as his son.
Stop getting your hopes up, all your parents do will crush them.
When I was little I used to stand on one leg like a flamingo and all the other kids thought it was so cool how well I can balance.
Now I’m like a heap of boulders just one minor inconvenience from tumbling down and destroying everything in my path.
Its not like I want to be a failure, I’m really trying my best, why won’t you listen to me? Why won’t you understand me?
Sometimes I wan’t to run away from home, far far away.
Maybe Italy will be far enough to get away from everyone I know and I could start a new life, but unfortunately theres some things I cannot leave behind no matter how hard I could try.
It’s sad like pathetic small waves on a bright blue ocean.
A storm just passed, I wonder if the sky feels the same way that I do, but theres mostly sunny days and I don’t have anything to be happy about.
It’s sad to say that I’m not happy in life despite being happy with a boy who loves me, I just worry sometimes it’s not enough.
I don’t want to write a million cheesy poems right now because I don’t have the time.
When I put on my pants in the morning I wonder if i’ll be forced into a box of being a woman.
I’m tired of being raped by the words that don’t define me.
I shouldn’t be so upset bout it after all, I made myself so feminine for the people who like me, I deserve this kind of treatment.
I don’t have a job, and i’m broke as shit and can’t get around by myself.
I almost got a job on a horse farm, but like always i was too weak for the job.
I cried on my first day because I couldn’t carry the heavy buckets of water. I’m sure if I cried enough my tears could fill a big bucket enough to feed those sweet horses.
I used to do horse-back riding as a kid you know.
And once I got bitten by a horse.
It really hurt and I cried a lot, just like I always do.
I wish my eyes could cry diamonds like the rains on saturn.
I could be rich and run away forever from everything plaguing me in life.
I cry so much sometimes I wonder how I still have water in my body.
Back in january I tried to smother myself with a pillow, all I’ve ever done is had suicidal fits because I can’t get out of the box.
It feels like metal now and I can’t scrape at the edges anymore.
I don’t even want that stupid pocket knife from my dad anymore.
The only use I had for it was cutting open my skin like a sheet of paper that got ripped up by my dad when I showed him my drawing for class.
“Why didn’t you do your fucking homework like your mother and I told you to?”
Just shut up shut up shut up.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to call this house my home.
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Unlucky Sailor
(12/10/21)
He sailed on the deep blue sea
Mermaids trailing behind the grand old magesty
Hoping the prideful sailor would not make it out of the sirens nest
Tomorrow has woven a tapestry of fate
Fate with the patterns of the stars in the sky
The sailors fate benounced to the stars
May his sinful soul filled with pride and greed be lost forever at sea
May the sea's merciful soul never grant him the clemency he wants
May her merciful soul rest by tomorrows wake
and the sailor eaten alive by the enchanting sirens song.
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Perspective of a bug
Loud thumping footsteps bounding further away. A human saw me. I thought, legs shaking as I try to run away and hide. Reaching what I think is safety underneath the refrigerator. I hear a scream, and my hiding place has been discovered. I don’t think i’m fast enough to outrun the humans. The humans are large, angry creatures. They stomp out any of us ‘bugs’ (their name for us) and sometimes even each other. The human lifting the fridge screams ‘Get it! NOW!!’ as another one leaps at me, wielding a sharp object, a knife. I scuttle away as fast as my legs can carry me.
*CRUNCH*
“Eww buddy don’t eat the bug!” says mom. Walking over to the big fluffy dog, he’s kind of dumb but he’s sweet. She gives him a treat and lets him outside.
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Foggy Day
Theres thick fog. I can’t see through it, but I can feel the presence of something on the other side. Rain is pouring down on me and I can’t feel my hands. It’s so cold. Collapsing onto the concrete in my cold wet clothes, I lose consciousness, only to be taken away by the fog.
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