andzrh

[andzrh]

24 or so i thought..

I haven’t write anything this year well, I tried. My voice gets a little bit quiet but my brain definitely does not. Surprisingly, I constantly am thinking whether it’s trivial or “significant”. Safe to say, my mind as always is busy yet it does not reach the vessel that connects me to the people outside my small world. I don’t really know what am I doing the past 11 months but hey I kinda read a lot, I guess. It was hard to start at first, my relationship with books were on and off. Sometimes, I read 3 books consecutively and sometimes I don’t read at all. Currently, I’m taking my time reading a book and hoping the fear that I will get a reading slump in no time can subside. Now that I think about it, I discovered the beauty in reading is finding a book that speaks for me. I really have a hard time articulating my thoughts that I find a bit complex. I guess the perks of being a human is you will never really be alone. There will always be someone that feels the way you do and is given a talent to express it in words and there will be people like me searching for that. Apart from reading, I tried other ways to cope in this dying world and still am trying. Some days, I don’t. I just let the world eats me or I’ll take the easy path which I think I’m a bit crazy in the head. It’s a constant battle between me and myself. Not me against the world. It is a morbid thing to do that, fighting the world, a big LOL honestly. Although, fighting with myself does not get less horrifying but I’m trying. That’s the least thing I can do. If you’re wondering what am I doing now, please don’t. I have done nothing according to societal standards. Is it too dreamy if I say I’m fine with it? Or I guess I’m privileged to do that. I don’t know if there will be a time I’ll get accepted in the society but I hope when I do, I’ll be happy.... okay happy is a bit heavy maybe I’ll be a bit contented with my life. I’m just tired succumbing to the societal pressure. I don’t know about you but, it doesn’t really get me to anywhere. I feel worst even so, in a way I’m taking a break now. A ridiculously long break if we’re talking about the general concept of time. However, I’m not saying this break is easy, as I said earlier, my thoughts getting a bit complex well a lot truthfully. Also, associating myself with age doesn’t really help and seeing people move while I’m stuck, I would say it is not a pleasant feeling. I think I reached my limit of saying things I want to say for today hence, I shall stop here. I try not to wish big things but I just hope for 25 I get to bring a leg in stepping forward. For anyone who finished reading my gibberish perspective, I really wish you well :)

[andzrh]

sampai bila?

i will stop pushing people away?

stop keeping everything inside anymore?

giving myself some credit when needed?

love a lil bit more?

i’m going to keep this wall?

tolong lah, sampai bila? i’m exhausted. i know i deserve more than this. but the voices always breaking the silence in the dark and kept pulling me from the light. 

[andzrh]

06:21

with you, my heart feels so full. sorry it took me awhile. i thought i can never love again but you proved me wrong.

i love you. i don’t know about forever, i don’t believe it honestly. but, now, the present i know very sure, i only want you.

i miss you. i don’t know about you but, i still can feel you. however, i can’t touch you & that breaks me. i miss my home. i miss what is mine.

it’s a tough love with me. i hope you don’t get tired of me because at this point, i don’t know how to live without you.

the future scares me but, i’ll be there for you. saying “i’m here, everything is going to be okay” while embracing you with all the love you’ve been giving me.

i love myself as much as i love you and it’s a pain in the ass because there’s so much “i” but with “you” in it.

i’m sorry & thank you. happy birthday again, my love.

[andzrh]

rindu

i know. i miss writing too. although, my life now is a slump. i have no idea how to express it. i guess this would be the first medium or second, perhaps. unfortunately, i’m not gonna talk about this part of my life, yet. tonight, i just want to talk about how i want to be; hopes & dreams :)

i got the inspiration from my observation towards the world because, if we look very closely it is a beautiful world indeed.

i would want to be someone who is very passionate in the things i do. my eyes would sparkle till people get blinded by it. humming to the sound of joy while i’m on my way to work. penat yang berbaloi. i want to be that helping hand that people pray for. i want to be that person who has a strong will and strong enough to carry other people. my heart would feel so full that it overflows to the people in need. rasa penuh, rasa macam bumi ini mampu berputar 365 hari (+/-) dengan apa yang aku beri. 

i would want to love a person wholeheartedly that i would run across the world just to see the smile on his face. i want to be a part of his life as he is to mine. when i say ‘i love you’ the whole world lit up to the love i have. rainbow, sunshine, thunderstorm, all kind of weather, i would want to be with that person holding the umbrella, wearing shades or even sharing raincoat. 

tak mintak banyak, cukup saja aku disenangi ramai. 

menjadi inspirasi bila perlu, menjadi tauladan bila mahu. 

harapan, impian, cita-cita, benda yang menjadi kekuatan when needed. perjalanan masih jauh, tak tau larat ke tak, usia semakin menambah, reality is hitting hard, masa seakan mengejar walaupun tak terdaya dah nak berlari. 

sekian.

[andzrh]

no longer

—— searching for you has been a part time job when it used to be a full time job. talking to you has become merely a conversation when it used to be an exchange of stories. missing you has become a thought when it used to be there all the time. liking you has become a black and white film when it used to be a coloured film. holding you has become emotionless when all it used to be butterflies in my stomach. longing for you has become a beautiful rose stagnant in the garden when all it used to be a thorn that cuts——

[andzrh]

random stuffs at it’s best

what is this melancholic vibe lingering around me as if it is not obvious that i am already sad. these days, the fluctuation of my ups and downs moment has never been worst. it’s either i’m too positive or i’m too negative that i feel numb. i thought wanting to die is the worst feeling one can feel but i guess feeling numb is more dangerous. you don’t feel anything, pain: no, sad: no, even giving up is none of your business anymore.

┐(ﾟ～ﾟ)┌

[wow. it’s 5 pm. what an unusual time for me to write. ]

i just need a break mentally, so here i am. but, i am okay. really.

[andzrh]

credit: dlfmadltkd

[andzrh]

투칼라 깃털 귀걸이

9,000원  

[andzrh]

malibu nights bts

[andzrh]

who

be yourself, they said

but i never know what it means

What if it was never me to begin with

it started with a lost soul

barely knew anything about me

and met a soulless body, trapped,

it was forced to know me

to have an identity, to have a root, to be belonged in a place

maybe that’s why being out of place is no longer foreign to me and it never was, really,

...perhaps i will never grasp the meaning of it. ever.

[andzrh]

michael faudet, smoke and mirrors

[andzrh]

“But then you came back again: as sun on water. I reached for you, skimmed my hands over the light of you.”

— Nicole Callihan, from “The End of the Pier,” Poem-A-Day (16 June 2016)

[andzrh]

our second album is out now

[andzrh]

2018 is almost over and all I gotta say is what the fuck was that

[andzrh]

w e i r d

weird but you make me want to be a better version of myself without me knowing. it is also weird how your silence made me want more of you. it is more weirder that you made me hate distance which that is so unlike of me. what makes it weirder is that your presence somehow is soothing, it feels like home. not to forget, you are so annoying but i can’t seem to hate you. the weirdest part is of course, the future is so blurry but i hope it has you in it. although, we both know we only have the present. 

[andzrh]

dumb

insecurities are dumb. why would they even exist? i’ve enough things to worry about then these so called insecurities came like what even. i’ve a fair share of insecurities that i had to deal with. but now, i’m insecure of how quiet i am. people around me made me feel as if my quietness is a big issue. like i can talk in the situations that i have to but some other times or most of the time i prefer to be quiet. i’m not a nice person and sometimes i really don’t have anything nice to say and i just shut my mouth to avoid people get hurt. even after all that, what i do is still a mistake. i know already being quiet isn’t socially acceptable and i hate myself for that since the beginning. i really do hate myself for not being able to express my words, my feelings, my thoughts, my ideas verbally. i already have a long list of why i hate myself but, thank you for rubbing it to my face. 

[andzrh]