anecessitytobefree

[anecessitytobefree]

Just saw a tiktok about attracting good karma based on your Saturn placement and this astrologer recommended that people with my placement rush head first into things. so. nothing good will ever happen to be because I just don’t operate like that. I can’t do anything without beating the idea to a pulp first

[anecessitytobefree]

I’m still really struggling with doing. I’m torn between simply wanting to be someone who assesses things and interprets the past and someone who actively creates. I believe both of these things can coexist at once, but at some point one must triumph over the other. it’s very hard trying to figure which one will triumph over the other while you’re working a 9 to 5.

[anecessitytobefree]

had the unfortunate realization that in both the relationships I’ve been in I have been beaten for things I have done at the behest of the people I’ve dated. that probably won’t happen anymore. sometimes I feel wrong being so fucked up and dysfunctional. like the stuff that happened to me wasn’t that bad. but then I remember.

[anecessitytobefree]

I am still so angry that now I have to worry about a mentally unstable former friend who bought my fucking personal info off white pages showing up at my parents house or attempting to contact me continually for the foreseeable future. I accepted uncomfortable interactions and apologies and was willing to look past them over stepping my boundaries due to their mental illness. I don’t deserve this. I hope they fucking forget about me.

[anecessitytobefree]

ultimately my creative process was doomed so long as I was under the influence of my ex in any capacity. his viewpoint was so fascistic and strangled any creative thoughts I had. I was doomed to be incapable of processing my trauma and truly expressing myself both emotionally and creatively. I feel like I’ve finally broken out from that influence

[anecessitytobefree]

On my past work

I’ve been looking through my last sketchbook before I essentially went off the deep end in 2020 and descended into a depressed fugue state. Reading notes, notes from my professors about my work, what to take note of in the work of other artists to improve my work. It’s undeniable my work was bad. It wasn’t due to a lack of skill but due to my fractured sense of self, a lack of identity that was dragging me down. The final blow was my parents forcing me out of the space I worked in at my grandmas house with claims they would clean up the basement so my sister could work from there. That never happened, along with the persistent pressure to find a new job after being laid off due to the pandemic and then finding something truly miserable to work at my time as a painter came to a close. I have struggled to produce work just as I have struggled to mend my fractured sense of self. Though I can speak eloquently and with confidence now I still feel as lost as ever. My sketchbook from that time is frenetic and disjointed. It is evidence of how I have struggled though I quit documenting that strife about 6 months into the pandemic to instead lick my wounds to cope with the psychological pain I was dealing with. I wish I had quit the jobs I had then but I hated being at home. I’ve found myself trapped in a vicious cycle for 5 years, only clawing my way out this March. I still lack direction because cognitively I’m like a teenager. A decade of my life is a black hole, and I have struggled to both cope with the grief and find a future for myself that I would feel happy in. For five years I have worked jobs that exhausted me and I became a shell of a human being only to be spat out in the second Trump term. I’ve decided to start over and finally start searching for joy and fulfillment again. A piece of me felt dead because I long so deeply to create but I didn’t and still don’t know what. So, I evaluate myself seeking motivation. I like so many things, but none quite enough. For the time being at least I am doing. I am reading and writing. I am taking photos and sharing them unburdened by the pain and shame of my past while I work on building something more meaningful. A more meaningful art practice or more meaningful career. I’m using my brain again unburdened by active onslaughts of abuse or ptsd flashbacks. It’s challenging because so much time has passed and I feel so behind but if I do nothing absolutely nothing I know I will regret it. So I’ve decided to stop torturing myself.

[anecessitytobefree]

human closeness is so challenging and unfulfilling. you can be perfectly communicative and still inevitably wound each other with your metaphorical spines.

[anecessitytobefree]

my greatest strength, my fortitude wounds me so deeply. why won’t anyone grin and bear it for me like I will for them? why won’t they.

[anecessitytobefree]

I often feel like I’m an alien sent here to monitor human behavior.

[anecessitytobefree]

it’s actually fucking insane that I had zero fucking clue how to interact with people until I was 21. sometimes I’m abruptly reminded I do have autism in fact to a debilitating degree

[anecessitytobefree]

copala by xinu is a really great it’s a very me fragrance. it reminds me a lot of Nanban by arquiste. It’s a total powerhouse. it’s spicy woody and a little sweet from the tonka bean and vanilla

[anecessitytobefree]

karat eg is a rose fragrance. It’s nice for a rose fragrance. I just don’t like the way it smells on me personally. Rotano is a true leather fragrance. If you really truly want to smell like tanned hide

[anecessitytobefree]

Durban Jane is a nice fragrance. Not as unique at the other maison d etto fragrances but it smells pleasant. it’s very luxurious smelling to me

[anecessitytobefree]

macanudo by maison detto- also reminds me of rabbits. this is like the ideal sweet hay smell for me. perfect for spring.

[anecessitytobefree]

yesterday I tried maison d’ettos Canaan. I liked it and it reminded me of the rabbit room the daughters of a family my dad worked for had. it’s reminiscent of cedar wood and hay.

[anecessitytobefree]

i'm trying hard to feel alive these days but it is hard with this foreboding feeling hanging over my head perpetually. i've been reading again. i've been better about watching things; movies and anime. i've been playing video games. my relationship to video games really encompasses my psyche towards action. i'm very bad at most video games. i resigned myself for several years to not playing them because "i was just bad at them", to the point where playing them seemed like a senseless task. even if i found some kind of value in it as a unique and contemporary mode of story telling or narrative construction. when i did play video games, it was always some variety of a game i've played since childhood(pokemon or mario kart) or something only my ex enjoyed(super smash bros brawl or fighting games generally) which i was incredibly bad at. only just recently i have discovered that there are games i can play, and maybe i'm not as bad as i once thought i was.

[anecessitytobefree]

I hope I can feel alive again soon. I feel like a shriveled corpse.