aneks-d

[aneks-d]

To be told

You don’t have to lift a finger

When I can no longer hold myself together

And I crumble

But you pick me up and put all the pieces back

Slowly, even with shards missing

Like a craftsman you step back and still see

Not beauty

I would not feel beautiful this way

I am in utter diffidence

But in your fondness I see it

And I live, I hold on, even for one more day

[aneks-d]

Hi god

It’s me again

Please help me forget

[aneks-d]

A woman

I loosen and the knots

Inside me

My stomach

My mind

Will unravel

I will remain to be the woman

That I am

But more human, perhaps,

Because years of facing the world

Head on has hardened and

Calloused my heart

[aneks-d]

It gets too painful to write about you, because I always remember how everything went — clear as day, like it never rained on that October breeze in Bohol. And I do attest that the devil is in the details.

You thought you lost your handkerchief, your favorite one, but then I told you it was right behind the headboard; you were throwing it around and it fell in between the tiny space. So we headed back to Room 28, and there it was.

It always gets painful when I write about you, but I have given up on hedonism when I came into this with you, and I put you before myself despite my false veil of reproach. I thought I was being careful, but I was painfully aware of how open I was. And for a time I did enjoy it, and oddly enough I found pleasure in being completely, undeniably, determinably honest.

And so it is always painful to write about you, because I may never feel the same way again.

[aneks-d]

But

Ow

That really hurt

Really really really

I really did love you

[aneks-d]

Would you believe me if I told you I left something important at home & came back, put my head on your chest & just listened?

— Laura Villareal, from “Boiling Puffins,” published in Waxwing

[aneks-d]

Last night I got too high. I went out with friends and had drinks.

Everyone kept talking. I kept listening. I kept quiet.

Even through all the different pieces of conversation I found you slipping in and out of my mind. Or floating, because you were always there. It never stopped.

I asked Jam to pick me up. Please I can’t take it anymore.

I brished my teeth and washed my face. I clomed into bed and cried.

Crying was a relief, so I cried until I could feel myself falling asleep.

I woke up the next morning.

Still here.

I will cry again and again and again until it will longer hurt and I will learn.

[aneks-d]

Fix it. Don’t let go. If you said hurtful things, apologize. Forgive. Take time, don’t rush.

As long as you don’t give up, it will all work out. And if it won’t, it will hurt, but you will be alright in time.

[aneks-d]

A

A letter so special, so dear and close to my heart. A letter that begins the name of a person so loved by me.

Doubts are recurring, and inconsistency is inevitable. Yet despite all these staggering circumstances, I find my mind wrapped around the thought of being with you again. Maybe this time we won’t be as close to the ocean, but still immersed and engulfed in each other just as before.

Distance, in our case, may or may not be a hindrance, but it can be overcome. Maybe for so long we have been bubbling through all these uncertainties of wherever we will end up being, but here we are. Here we are.

[aneks-d]

But god

I've been praying

Am I never really going to get what I think I deserve

I still care

I am still in love and it hurts

[aneks-d]

I'm always silently praying that we find our way back to one another. Or you do, at least. Please know I will always be where your heart is and I miss you dearly. I know how I am when I love.

[aneks-d]

I am not yours, and you are not mine.

Before I fall in love again I need to remind myself: I am my own and no one else's. The person that I am is enough. I have been through so much that I have conquered mountains alone. I've been through so much alone.

Strong.

Alone.

Strong.

Alone.

Strong.

Yet alone.

When I think about holding your hand and feel the absence I will shake it off, because I have my own. I am on my own.

[aneks-d]

The gap

Do you have a favorite tooth? The one you keep running your tongue over, when after eating popcorn you can't brush the feeling of having a kernel stuck in between that tooth and the one next to it, when you floss you always go through it over and over again until your gum starts to bleed a little, and when you stare mindlessly at something you realize you've been running your tongue over it that it starts to sting and then you stop -- that kind of favorite tooth.

And one day you go to the dentist because you think oh hey I haven't had my teeth checked in a year, the simple task of meager self-care. Then you're told you need to have it extracted, it's been rotten all this time, and the cavity has decayed so badly it has hit the nerve.

You ask for options: can I have it filled instead? The thought of losing a tooth seems scary; you like that tooth. You get the fillings instead.

After a year it starts to bother you. The stings on your tongue don't seem to heal because you just can't stop running it over your tooth.

And you see the dentist. It has been extracted. You bleed for a while. It hurts. The anesthesia fades. You can't eat popcorn for a day or two. It feels strange.

A part of you has been lost, and I say this without sentimentality: the tooth needed to be removed. Otherwise your entire mouth will decay. It's weird, this feeling of relieving loss.

You can live without it, but you still run your tongue over that gap. At least it doesn't sting anymore.

[aneks-d]

A.

I am in love – truly, deeply, in love with a boy who is thousands of miles away from me. I have never seen him in real life, and we both question how things might have gone had we met each other in Manila, but we both feel the same way. And this is something I have never felt since I breathed the air my mother has. 

I am in love. I never knew how, or why people fell in love, but here I am. I tell him everyday. I love you, baby. I never want to leave you. I will make things work between us. I see myself with you for a long time. I am so in love with you, I don’t care what you say.

I am in love. I can now hold a phone call for over two hours. I could never tolerate even a three-minute phone call, but with you I could never bring myself to hang up. You laughed when I moaned about ending the call, so we talked for another hour until we could only hear each other’s breathing and the sound of your guitar, your fingers sliding through the strings lazily. I love it.

[aneks-d]

Caring: On When To Persist And When Not To

Should you stop caring just because you aren’t shown gratitude for your concern? No. Oftentimes no matter how much you show a person that you care doesn’t really matter at all because it’s not you they want to hear it from, and it gets tiring trying to reach out but that doesn’t mean you should stop caring. Unconditional concern should be your agenda.

I had always cared, always been there, although not necessarily physically, i’m reachable. My friends know this. Even before two of my best friends opened up to me about their depression (both on different occasions), I always thought they knew I was always there. Quite coincidentally, they were going through breakups. V was cheated on, N was left with no proper closure.

At this point we started communicating more, viber, messenger, sms, anything just to keep in touch lest i lose track of their whereabouts and they start thinking about taking their own lives again. I was responsive. In less than a second I would reply to their text or pick up their calls.

Toward the end it started to tire me out, even their families started reaching out to me secretly just to have an idea of where they are and how theyre doing because it was only me who they openly talked to. i have a life of my own, too, and it started to feel like my time was beig taken away from me. Worse, it seemed like my concern for them wasnt helping at all.

I understand if it’s because they want the attention from a specific person (i.e., their ex-boyfriends), but I wanted them to realize the acceptance that that person no longer cares, which is why they left them in the frist place.

[aneks-d]

in a pedicab three wheels and three people the driver straing straight ahead at the road a dear friend by my side

but the fear and anxiety continuously gnaws at the back if my mind, like an annoying corn kernel stuck in between your teeth.

in and out. my chest is heavy but my head is light. i see things but they are hazy and i realize how hard it is to keep your eyes open when pools form behind your eyelids.

[aneks-d]

I'm sorry my voice does not comfort, it compels.

I'm sorry I can't sing your favorite songs for you,

can't hum to a lullaby without my voice cracking