anendlessbattleofmemory

[anendlessbattleofmemory]

An incomplete list of what Lan Xichen thinks about in seclusion:

1. He thought he could trust his own judgment, and he would know good people from bad when he understood their reasons, but he was wrong. He thought he was a good person. He thought he made righteous choices. He doesn’t even know anymore what that means.

2. He spent years loving, trusting, and defending somebody who was lying to him constantly. He is never going to be able to know how much of it was real and how much of it was manipulation. He wants to know, but he doesn’t. He’s afraid that even if he could learn the truth, he would never be able to face it.

3. He killed his closest friend. Even if that friend was a liar and a murderer, he was still a person pleading for him to listen and understand in that moment, and LXC killed him. He’s killed more people than he can count. He fought in a war. He can’t remember any of them anymore. They’ve all become one, and that sound of surprise JGY made when the blade sunk in, he can’t forget that.

4. He doesn’t realize in the immediate aftermath, but he figures out before long that he was manipulated into that killing. He doesn’t blame NHS for this. He let himself be used like a puppet.

5. He knows now he is easy to manipulate.

6. He didn’t see how much NMJ and JGY hated each other. He chose not to see. He wonders if there is anything more cowardly than seeing only harmony when such malice lurks beneath the surface.

7. Or maybe he did see their hatred, but he thought he could fix it. Maybe he saw and believed his love would be enough for both of them. Even he doesn’t know now. He can’t trust what he remembers of their time together. The memories feel like songs of turmoil in his mind. All of the notes strike true, but none of them are right.

8. He does know that he truly believed he had bound them into something good and strong with their brotherhood. He also knows that he was wrong in that belief. He didn’t help them. He did not see the rot in the foundations of their triad. He gave them the weapons they used to destroy each other, and he didn’t even notice while it was happening. He can never change that.  

9. He figures out what NHS did, but what he can’t stop thinking about is why he chose a whole ridiculous revenge plot that endangered and hurt tons of people instead of asking for help. He never came to LXC. Which means that everything LXC has tried to be–the person who always listens and acts fairly–has completely failed. A person who should have been able to come to him never even considered it.

10. Part of him knows, rationally, that this is because he would not have provided the kind of help NHS wanted, because NHS wanted nothing but obliterating revenge. He wonders if he could ever want that kind of revenge. If he would have been as angry, as heartbroken by the betrayal, as consumed by grief and rage. He wonders what it means that he doesn’t think he ever would have been. If it means he didn’t love NMJ enough.

11. LWJ spent years in heartbroken mourning because the world believed a lie, and LXC not only did nothing to stop that from happening or fight for the truth when it would have mattered, but in fact believed and perpetuated those lies himself. Even though he knew how terrible JGS was, he still let JGS’s manipulation shape his view of the world. The worst part is he knew it was happening at the time. He just thought it was better than the alternative.

12. He thinks constantly about what other choices he’s made in his life that could be every bit as wrong. If every time he thought he was choosing fairness and righteousness, he was causing harm instead. Who was hurting in places he chose not to see.

13. He wonders if he has ever been more than a thing for people to use to hide their own violence.

[anendlessbattleofmemory]

I've been wanting to draw something as a sort of follow-up from Safety of Distance for a while, so - tada! Xichen cultivates to immortality to keep his boys company! he never goes back to wearing his Lan ribbon, but the symbol of it still means something to him, so he takes up wearing a ring instead. he says he wears it on his wedding-ring-finger to discourage people from hitting on him, and if he secretly wears it there for other personal reasons, well, that's his business.

JGY fucking loooooooves playing with all the new technology and trying to keep up with fashion and pop culture (it's good for him to have a challenge as he is 100% A Dog With A Job, if he doesn't get enough stimulation he starts performing psychological experiments on his household) and nowadays he can use spreadsheets and banking apps on his phone!!! man is the happiest he's ever been!!!

Mingjue... cares considerably less about keeping up with the times, he knows he's gonna stand out whatever he does so he's just gonna Do Him however is most comfortable. he does wind up getting some very Qinghe tattoos to subtly obscure his, uh... reassembly scars....

[anendlessbattleofmemory]

open for a surprise

[anendlessbattleofmemory]

[anendlessbattleofmemory]

[anendlessbattleofmemory]

I think often about Jin Guangyao’s “[I murdered] my father, my (older) brother, my wife, my son, my teacher, my friend” quote. I think about how Jin Guangyao, a man known for self effacing politeness to the point of taking blame and shame onto himself to alleviate the tempers of others, in this moment takes complete responsibility for “murders” that he absolutely did not commit. And I think about how the audience both in the story and outside it, take his words at face value.  

I think there are multiple ways of interpreting who this quote is about. Obviously Father = Jin Guangshan, Wife = Qin Su, Son = Jin Rusong, those are clear. I think (older) Brother could either be Nie Mingjue or Jin Zixuan. I think "teacher” could be Wen Rouhan or Nie Mingjue. Friend could be Nie Mingjue, Su Minshan, or Xue Yang.

So I think the ONLY options for [brother, teacher, friend] (in that order) are: 

NMJ, WRH, and SMS

NMJ, WRH, and XY

JZX, NMJ, and SMS

JZX, NMJ, and XY

JZX, WRH, and NMJ

JZX, WRH, and SMS

JZX, WRH, and XY

I also saw a translation where he said “friends” plural, which would reduce the list to:

NMJ, WRH, XY and SMS

JZX, NMJ, XY and SMS

JZX, WRH, SMS and NMJ

JZX, WRH, XY and NMJ

JZX, WRH, XY and SMS

However, given the importance of his relationship with NMJ, I feel like we can safely eliminate any that exclude NMJ entirely. Similarly, there cannot be characters mentioned here who are unnamed or unknown to the reader, as that wouldn’t make any Doylist sense. We are left with a list that consists of Nie Mingjue, either WRH or JZX or both, and possibly XY and/or SMS. 

Regardless of which of those combinations you use, he did not directly OR EVEN DELIBERATELY murder everyone on that list. Let’s go through them:

Jin Guangshan: Yes, he deliberately ordered and orchestrated his father’s death. Outstanding, earned, poetic, no notes. (Okay maybe SOME notes, but like, listen. Listen.) 

Qin Su: Qin Su killed herself. In the animation, Jin Guangyao used the skull-piercing nails to force her suicide, but this is not canon to the novel. Bicao claims that Jin Guangyao must have killed her to silence her, despite her suicide having many witnesses (including us! the readers!), but Wei Wuxian (who WAS THERE) speculates that she couldn’t handle the reality of her marriage, as illuminated to her BY Bicao, or the prospect of societal shame if it got out. However, even IF “your actions drove her to suicide” were the rubric here, that’s still not quite the same as “you murdered her”, nor does it seem to be the outcome he was hoping or planning for. “JGY murdered her” is factually inaccurate, and a blatant propaganda tactic being used against him– but perhaps it felt emotionally true to HIM because he’s grieving his DEAD WIFE and he FEELS responsible.

Nie Mingjue: JGY spent something like 5+ years suffering physical and verbal abuse and explicit threats of death by Nie Mingjue, then was tasked with killing Nie Mingjue by his father. He did so in a sneaky way, so as to not endanger himself further or get punished for (or perhaps cause an inter-sect conflict/war by) killing the leader of a rival sect.

Wen Rouhan: JGY stabbed him in all adaptations, A+, war hero.

Jin Zixuan: JGY, on his father’s orders, orchestrated a situation that led to Jin Zixuan’s death. We cannot know for SURE that JGY wasn’t aiming for his death but we CAN say that “Wei Wuxian accidentally compelling Wen Ning to kill the ONE GUY PRESENT Wei Wuxian did NOT want to kill” (OR “WN killing JZX of his own accord against WWX’s orders”) would have been a weird bet to make. This seems highly unlikely to have been JGY’s goal, but it was certainly caused by a situation he created. He also did not actually literally kill the guy.

Su Minshan: Su She died to protect Jin Guangyao from Nie Mingjue’s fierce corpse. Jin Guangyao is only “responsible” for this in the vaguest or terms and worst faith of interpretations. Technically Su She wouldn’t have died there if not for JGY on multiple levels (wouldn’t have had to protect him, NMJ’s fierce corpse being JGY’s fault, wouldn’t have been present at all if JGY hadn’t summoned him there, etc.), but if Jin Guangyao describes this as “I murdered him” that’s… a stretch. Again, like with Qin Su, this feels like something he might say because he FEELS responsible, rather than because he actually is.

Xue Yang: JGY ordered Xue Yang’s execution (or possibly ordered a fake execution, but this seems less likely) directly before he fled, injured, to Yi City. He did not die here. Later, after reconnecting and while still following Jin Guangyao’s orders, Xue Yang was killed by other people in opposition to Jin Guangyao’s wishes and plans. Again, TECHNICALLY Xue Yang would not have died when he did were it not for Jin Guangyao, but describing it as “Jin Guangyao murdered him” is QUITE a stretch. Due to the title of the “Villainous Friends” extra, which is about JGY and XY specifically, XY seems the most likely candidate to me for “Friend” in this quote, which is bizarre because I think his death is actually the LEAST connected to Jin Guangyao. Jin Guangyao wasn’t even present, nor did Xue Yang die FOR Jin Guangyao– just on his payroll. BUT perhaps he still felt guilty for ORDERING his execution, and simply his willingness to HAVE Xue Yang killed counted enough to make the list.

I’ll get to the last one, but I’m pausing here to say: What all of this means is that no matter who is or isn’t on that list, it is NOT an objective list of factual murders. It is a list of people who’s deaths Jin Guangyao FEELS RESPONSIBLE FOR.

Even before we get to who counts as teacher, brother, or friend, even JUST his wife solidifies this. But it isn’t JUST her either– even if we cut SMS and XY (the other two BIG stretch candidates) from the equation, that leaves us ONLY with NMJ(friend), WRH(teacher), and JZX(brother). And Jin Zixuan is the other one that really should not make the list of people JGY “murdered”.

This is a list of people who’s deaths Jin Guangyao FEELS RESPONSIBLE FOR.

Which brings us to the last one:

Jin Rusong: The quote (I believe this is a fan translation, but not sure) "One of the opposing sect leaders lost the arguments [about the watchtowers], and went into a murderous rage, killing Jin Guangyao and Qin Su’s only son. The boy had always been a good child and the couple had loved him dearly. Under resentment, Jin Guangyao tore down the entire sect in revenge” is, to my knowledge/memory, the only real account we’re given of what happened. “Lost the arguments and went into a murderous rage” doesn’t sound like the child was found dead some time later, and they had to investigate. It sounds like it happened in public, with witnesses, immediately. 

In the same scene where Bicao convinces an audience that Qin Su, who famously killed herself on screen in a room full of people with a (now) known motive for suicide, “must have” been murdered by Jin Guangyao– in that same scene others speculate that Jin Rusong, who was famously killed by a political opponent in a “murderous rage” most likely DURING A CONFERENCE, “must have” been murdered by Jin Guangyao. 

I think "I angered an opposing sect leader so much that he killed my son” being translated by JGY into “I killed my son” is EXACTLY IN LINE with the rest of his list. How is that different than “I ordered Xue Yang’s assassination, and later put him in a situation that caused others to kill him” being translated to “I killed my friend”? Or “Su She died to protect me” being translated to “I killed my friend”? Or “I didn’t anticipate my brother’s unwitting involvement in a covert operation would get him accidentally killed, which no one wanted, not even the guy who did it” being translated to “I killed my brother”? Or “I tried to protect my pregnant fiancé/wife from a horrible secret I only just learned, which would ruin her life, and when someone confronted her with it TO HARM ME she couldn’t live with it and killed herself” being translated to “I killed my wife”? It’s the same!

I do not believe that Jin Guangyao killed Jin Rusong. I believe “I murdered my son” is an example of the way that Jin Guangyao speaks about himself– always taking the maximum responsibility onto his own shoulders. If he was in any way responsible, than he was completely responsible. If he FEELS responsible, then he MAY AS WELL have murdered them.

The context of when he says this quote also matters towards how we interpret it’s meaning. He was already attempting to flee the country, aware that the cultivation world was actively turning on him for crimes that he did AND DIDN’T commit. He was surrounded by people he thought cared about him, all of whom seemed determined to stop him from achieving a safe exit. He had had all the horrible things he felt responsible for (regardless of how directly or deliberately he was involved in those events) thrown in his face by said loved ones, while they looked at him with horror. Su Minshan had just been killed trying to PROTECT HIM, and now it looked like it had been for nothing anyway. Huaisang, who he is shown as doting upon throughout their decades long relationship, has just manipulated Lan Xichen (do I even have to go into how important Lan Xichen is to him? Please say no, please say this much at LEAST is universally understood) into BEING THE ONE to STAB HIM. 

In this moment, he believes that he’s going to die, and be reviled in death by society and his loved ones alike. He knows there’s nothing left he can say or do, he hasn’t had time to process Su She’s death, and Lan Xichen has JUST (accidentally) betrayed him (which he also hasn’t had time to process). 

And also, notably, he had very recently been IN POSSESSION of the TIGER TALLY. 

AND HE’S BEEN STABBED! To my memory this scene happens while he’s missing an arm and LAN XICHEN’S sword is still INSIDE HIS GUTS. His emotions and reasoning are probably NOT the most calm or rational right now (blood loss, pain, fear, grief, influence of the tiger tally, etc.), and this “confession” should be taken with that in mind. 

I just think a lot about how “I murdered [everyone I’ve loved except for you]” is such a raw and telling line, given the context. Even if it’s more like “I murdered [everyone I’ve owed devotion to except for you]”, that’s still so painful. He blames himself for all of it. All of it! The world celebrated Wen Rouhan’s death, but Jin Guangyao added it to his personal list. Jin Guangshan is arguably the most reprehensible character in the entire story, and ruined every part of Jin Guangyao’s entire life, but he’s on the list. He did everything in his power to protect Qin Su, and when she found out the truth he continued offering her ways he could protect her, but she chose to kill herself, and she’s on the list. He tried to improve the world with the watchtowers, and someone retaliated by murdering his son, and he claimed responsibility for that too.

He knew he was being blamed for their deaths, knew it was propaganda and slander and bad faith, but he blamed himself too. So he just… accepted it. I did it. It was me, I murdered them.

And so, so, so many people, in his world and in ours, were so, so eager to agree

[anendlessbattleofmemory]

This looks so comfortable. I love it.

keonhee and his pillow, leedo

[anendlessbattleofmemory]

[anendlessbattleofmemory]

Theme from my friend was "cursed or blessed".

[anendlessbattleofmemory]

Yaku didn't show up until chapter 402 since the timeskip but at least now canonically he's

Playing libero professionally (in Russia!)

Part of team Japan in the olympics

Still friends with his nekoma teammates, enough to go to a potluck party with them - willing to fly in, even

Still friends with Lev! Who is a model!

Glowed up like woah

Rich enough to wear a hella nice suit & fancy ass sunglasses

Basically he's living his best life and I'm so happy for him <3

[anendlessbattleofmemory]

Important because my love Yaku is part of the monster generation and also his quote is so him.

Monster Generation Special

The Japanese representatives have been announced, and 11 players from the Monster Generation were in the list! Introducing the hottest players with a questionnaire.

Pay attention to Hinata and Kageyama, the Karasuno combination!

The “Monster Generation” who has entered the Japanese national team is from the 3-generation monster players from Ushijima Wakatoshi to Kageyama Tobio! After showing off and playing central roles in their teams as part of the V.League, the two people to look out for are Kageyama and Hinata Shouyou who have lead their teams since their first year at Karasuno High School. Expectations are high for Kageyama who has been a Japanese representative before and Hinata who has trained as a beach volleyball player in Brazil. Keep an eye on the dynamics of the Monster Generation to win the medal!

Kageyama Tobio

Birthday: December 22 (23 y/o)

Position: Setter

Height: 188 cm

Weight: 82 kg

Dominant hand: Right

Jumping reach: 348 cm

High School Team: Karasuno (Miyagi)

Team: Ali Roma (Italy)

Appeal point: Sets and serves

What are you enthusiastic about as a representative: I’ll do my best

Hinata Shouyou

Birthday: June 12 (24 y/o)

Position: Opposite

Height: 172 cm

Weight: 70 kg

Dominant hand: Right

Jumping reach: 350 cm

High School Team: Karasuno (Miyagi)

Team: Asas Sao Paulo (Brazil)

Appeal point: I can do anything! I will do anything!

What are you enthusiastic about as a representative: Gold medal!!

Hyakuzawa Yuudai

Birthday: April 3 (24 y/o)

Position: Middle Blocker

Height: 206 cm

Weight: 100 kg

Dominant hand: Right

Jumping reach: 346 cm

High School Team: Kakugawa Academy (Miyagi)

Team: Japan Railway Warriors

Appeal point: Height. I’ll hit any toss.

What are you enthusiastic about as a representative: I’ll do my best

Miya Atsumu

Birthday: October 5 (24 y/o)

Position: Setter

Height: 187 cm

Weight: 80 kg

Dominant hand: Right

Jumping reach: 342 cm

High School Team: Inarizaki (Hyougo)

Team: MSBY Black Jackals

Appeal point: Aggressive sets and serves.

What are you enthusiastic about as a representative: I��ll become number 1.

Sakusa Kiyoomi

Birthday: March 20 (24 y/o)

Position: Outside Hitter

Height: 192 cm

Weight: 82 kg

Dominant hand: Right

Jumping reach: 345 cm

High School Team: Itachiyama Academy (Tokyo)

Team: MSBY Black Jackals (Japan)

Appeal point: Sense of stability.

What are you enthusiastic about as a representative: I’ll do what I can

Hoshiumi Kourai

Birthday: April 16 (25 y/o)

Position: Outside Hitter

Height: 173 cm

Weight: 69 kg

Dominant hand: Right

Jumping reach: 351 cm

High School Team: Kamomedai (Nagano)

Team: Schweiden Adlers (Japan)

Appeal point: Mid-air battles. Defense

What are you enthusiastic about as a representative: I won’t lose to big players and will do my best.

Hakuba Gao

Birthday: June 27 (25 y/o)

Position: Middle Blocker

Height: 203 cm

Weight: 99 kg

Dominant hand: Right

Jumping reach: 350 cm

High School Team: Kamomedai (Nagano)

Team: Tachibana Red Falcons (Japan)

Appeal point: Blocks

What are you enthusiastic about as a representative: I want to stop aces from all over the world

Komori Motoya

Birthday: July 30 (24 y/o)

Position: Libero

Height: 181 cm

Weight: 75 kg

Jumping reach: 330 cm

High School Team: Itachiyama Academy (Tokyo)

Team: EJP Raijin (Japan)

Appeal point: Digs, sets.

What are you enthusiastic about as a representative: I want to do plays that will inspire my team

Ushijima Wakatoshi

Birthday: August 13 (25 y/o)

Position: Opposite

Height: 192 cm

Weight: 90 kg

Dominant hand: Left

Jumping reach: 350 cm

High School Team: Shiratorizawa Academy (Miyagi)

Team: orzel Warszawa (Poland)

Appeal point: The ability to score

What are you enthusiastic about as a representative: I’ll do my best

Bokuto Koutarou

Birthday: September 20 (25 y/o)

Position: Outside Hitter

Height: 190 cm

Weight: 87 kg

Dominant hand: Right

Jumping reach: 348 cm

High School Team: Fukurodani Academy (Tokyo)

Team: MSBY Black Jackals (Japan)

Appeal point: I can be very normal at anytime!

What are you enthusiastic about as a representative: The world!!!!

Yaku Morisuke

Birthday: August 8 (25 y/o)

Position: Libero

Height: 169 cm

Weight: 67 kg

Dominant hand: Right

Jumping reach: 325 cm

High School Team: Nekoma (Tokyo)

Team: Yekaterinburg’s Tigers (Russia)

Appeal point: Defense as a whole

What are you enthusiastic about as a representative: I want to be a defender that breaks the opponents’ spirits

[anendlessbattleofmemory]

Painted this on my bedroom wall over the weekend. Was originally supposed to be the princess mononoke forest god but gradually became less like it - there were also originally supposed to be the forest spirits as well, but I like it the way it is how.

[anendlessbattleofmemory]

Kawoshin is really that failed romance that transcends time and space - the only constant between the many nge universes.

Also the original video is pretty amusing too, if only to hear about the bizarre spinoffs attached to evangelion over that last 2 decades.

[anendlessbattleofmemory]

Is it weird that the first thing I thought was "well at least Doyoung got Taeyong in guard before Jungwoo came in"

Though for reals they aren't prepared for an actual fight without hurting themselves so I'm glad they turned it into more of a wrestling thing.

the long-awaited dotae fight (ft. kim jungwoo)

[anendlessbattleofmemory]

Rewatching durarara!!: nobody has a damn clue what love means and bullshits their way through some definition of obsession/control. I have to entirely dissociate the word love with any reasonable definition to make any sense of the show.

Still a fun show though.

[anendlessbattleofmemory]

I had absolutely 0 feelings about oneus before this performance. Now I have a lot. Just 1 or 2 more good performances and I'll probably be diving into the fandom another boy group.

Road to Kingdom [풀버전] ♬ 전사의 후예 - 원어스 (원곡 H.O.T.) @1차 경연 200507 EP.2

[anendlessbattleofmemory]

Art.