angeeliimae - Tumblr blog

angeeliimae · 3 years

Text

Quarter life crisis

With the short 26 years that I have timed on, thoughts on the past, present and most specially the future has been haunting me. Was what I did enough professionally, academically, emotionally? Is what I am doing now the right path? With what I have, will my future be secured?

Academically, exams and quizzes have been where I thrived on. My process was targeted on getting good grades, being the best at all subjects. And I did. Medal after medal. Valedictory speeches. Competitions. I have been walking straight to the path of becoming a successful student. Valedictorian both in elementary and secondary levels. Then I lost motivation during college. But still I forwarded through.

Now, I work at a bank with a low salary and a demanding schedule. Looking back, I would've seen myself being happy and contented at where I am now. But why am I not?

Since childhood, we have been psychologically told to finish college, get a job, get married, have babies and so on. Go straight ahead to achieve your goals. With little exposure to what lies ahead, at 18 or younger, we are left to decide on what we want to do the rest of our lives. Will you be an accountant? A doctor? A banker? But at 18 do you know what you want to be? Do you know what you're good at? Do you know your passion?

Months ago, I lost Tyler, a very dear dog who holds a special place in my heart. I failed to bring him to doctor's appointments because of my job, because I was busy from 8-5, even hours after. Then I lost two uncles and I was given little time to mourn with my loved ones. Is this how I want my life to go on? To be busy with my career and let my family, my core, live life without me.

Then a realization hit me. In the next 5 years, do I want to be in the same position as I am now. And my answer is no. So far, I have two future endeavours I want to pursue. One is caring, nurturing and helping animals. And the second is honing my skills in advertising and marketing. I may be 26, with a degree in management and a stable job, but you can never be too old or too young to change your path.

3 notes · View notes

angeeliimae · 3 years

Text

High school is a short 4 year academic journey. However, mine was different. I was an achiever, constantly being at the top 3 of the top class. Summer after 2nd year, my appendix ruptured. I had to be hospitalized for a week and missed the first days as an incoming junior student. Days after the operation was hard. I had a wound as long as my thumb which was healing and hurting. My parents we're struggling financially with an income of a teacher and a tricycle driver. But hard days were yet to come.

After my operation, sleep didn't come to me. I would think about anything for 3 days straight and that's when I lost it. I was diagnosed with clinical depression. This may have been brought about by the anesthesia that my lightweight body couldn't take, by my genetics since my family has a history of depression, by my previous hardships but what could I have struggled on during 2nd year high school? I do not have the answer and I may never will. Nonetheless, is is me and this is my depression story.

That year was the time I wish I could forever erase. According to my parents and my loved ones, I appeared normal but I would talk to myself, saying nonsense things. I have very little memory of those times maybe because of sleep deprivation, and my brain failed to store those memories or maybe it's my coping mechanism so as not to remember. I can recall snippets. Me going to church with my family, singing out of tune and thinking everybody's attention was on me. My father letting me ride on his tricycle all day for me to fall asleep at night. My mother massaging my forehead and eyebrows until I close my eyes and doze off. Those days were probably the hardest for both my parents. A sick child needing attention and two more children all in highschool, all while living off a meager income.

My parents thrived hard to let me get both waray-waray and medical care. When the "tubod" and other waray-waray healings failed, they sent me to medical care. I remember mother bringing me to a local family doctor and him referring us to a psychiatrist. And that's when I started

healing. I had medications every single day. Appointments were done on a monthly schedule. With my mother accompanying and guiding me, I religiously took my medications and went to check-ups. I had pills in the morning and another set at night. Years later and my psychiatrist started lessening my prescriptions until eventually removing them altogether.

I am today well and able. However, as per my psychiatrist, my depression may or may not come back. This fear has been with me with my every decision. Withdrawing from law school because my diagnosis may affect me if I decide to pursue that profession. Fearing that if I skip sleep even just for a night, I may have a hard time falling asleep again and eventually going back to my depression phase. Fearing having future children because of possible postpartum depression.

Bad days and bad thoughts come to me. I'm not sure if it is just me or if other people get them too. Being in a room all day gives me a suffocated feeling. Not doing anything and being stagnant gives me bad thoughts. Fortunately, I have learned to fight these thoughts and feelings by exercising and getting those endorphins going. Yoga is also a great medium of channeling thoughts into positive ones. Being out in nature is not just a breather from work but also a fresh air for my mind and my thoughts.

People may have a past that if given the chance, we would delete them forever. I have been keeping this a secret, not talking about it thinking it will just vanish. But I realized that that phase of mine will be with me forever and I have to acknowledge it to move forward. Everybody has bad days, bad months, bad years. But we should remember that there are better days ahead.

3 notes · View notes