angelkittycore

[angelkittycore]

It's okay to cut your abuser out of your life, or go low contact.

It doesn't matter if they apologized, are genuinely remorseful or even weren't aware of what they did. You don't owe them anything, and whatever you feel is okay.

[angelkittycore]

coming to terms with the kind of person i used to be vs now. seeing how much growth ive acchieved while also seeing where i still have to grow.

progress isn't linear, nor is healing. i was an awful awful person.

i still didn't deserve half the shit i got thrown at me. the majority of my mistakes were when i was a teenager or barely an adult, if you could call it that because my mind is literally underdeveloped. (in the way that i am not mentally the age i should be, and even at 30 i still have trouble coming to terms that i am that old physically.)

i've done some bigoted and problematic things. nobody was there to teach me right from wrong. i had to figure it out myself through trial and error and research. i also had extreme trouble with realizing that other people are real, not just me. which is 100% an empathy problem. i had to teach myself empathy, and how to feel appropriate feelings, and how to express emotions on my face or with tone.

i'm the kind of neurodivergent people don't like to look at or support because i'm functioning enough to be self responsible but not functioning enough to understand what i did wrong until its verbally or physically beat into me.

i've had to teach myself how to recognize when i am acting poorly and inapropriately and what to do instead. nobody helped. not even my own parents. the internet raised me.

this is sad.

i think i've done the best i could with the circumstances i was given, all things considered. i like the kind of person i am now but it took a lot of blood, sweat, and tears to get to this point.

i was genuinely ugly on the inside. like, yes, i was and still am extremely misunderstood but a a decent amount of it was just genuinely being a fuckhead and unable to comprehend that i was. to me everybody was hurting me and attacking me and i was groomed into thinking it was my fault, because i'm a monster and i deserved to be treated poorly over my ignorance and youthful blunders.

people didn't have to put up with me or stick around me because of that shit and i recognize that a lot of lost friends was my fault. not all of it was personal and not all of it was spiteful. not all of it was because people were out to get me.

but enough of it was. so i took on the mindset that if somebody didn't like me then it was their fault for not getting me, regardless if that was true or not. i've carried that same thought process with me for approximately 2 decades. i have to move on.

its hard with my cocktail of brainbad things, paranoia and bpd being the biggest happiness killers, alongside trauma of being legitimately stalked online but groups of people. but i can't keep putting myself above others either morally or personally because i've been just as nasty as they have been in some way or some point in my life.

i don't think i am better than anybody else that i've had issues with, serious or non serious. we just hold different values on what matters. and i've come to realize growing up that sometimes i don't have to listen to someone elses perspective and i can just be disappointed and cut them off.

and i'm learning recently that i don't always have to get the last word in, nor do i have anything to prove to people about my own integrity.

my ex can believe whatever they want about me. i am not responsible for the version of me that lives in their head rent free. i'm responsible for the actual real me. and i'm cleaning up my messes in a way that doesn't reinvite conflict into my life.

[angelkittycore]

i love how many ppl send asks like "hehee i make many alts to talk to this person and befriend them as different people" like this isnt genuinely a form of manipulation. i was a victim of this. and it has affected me for years (because when someone you trust tries to socially exile you by making sure you only talk to them except with different names, makes a bubble that is basically impossible to escape without figuring out the truth, and uses this to further manipulate you into an abusive friendship, it kinda sticks with you).

you think you're better than any other kind of manipulator? because you aren't. your humanity is just as fake as theirs. you should get the same treatment.

and if one of you fucking idiots are reading this, you're not funny and all of the braindead tumblr users egging you on in the comments should get to live eating the scraps of dead skin off your feet like the fucking vermins they are. also drop me your location i just want to talk (not even god will recognize you when im done)

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[angelkittycore]

I hate it when people look at the microscopic glimpse of my situation shown only through a single post I made while on the verge of a breakdown and use it to judge me. Dude shut the fuck up you only know my emotional response to what happened. You dont even know how I actually treat them.

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[angelkittycore]

Traumatized brains don't act according to logic, they act according to survival.

whenloveisalie

[angelkittycore]

evfurry time i end up seeing someones sysc*urse post pop up in my feed (idk how or why) i learn theres like, a new term that everybody else knows that i don't and like. ?????? did is did. i do not think anybody realistically gives a shit about how you came about it outside of like, therapists ig. (like stranger son the internet like.. idk.)

/r but what is cdd. like why are we further and further categorizing and segregating types of systems based on experiences and how we gained trauma.

[angelkittycore]

im going to go to bed fuck my stupid fucking life and myself and everybody in my life too.

[angelkittycore]

fuck,ing piece of shit loser i never liked him anyway he always made me feel bad and uncomfortable everytime we talked. and i thought it was just my rsd lol.

[angelkittycore]

i love losing an entire friend group bc one loser is unironically anti sex worker.

[angelkittycore]

she doesnt even fucking get it even tho ive explained it like 3 times now !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BEING WHOREPHOBIC ISNT FUNNY ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

[angelkittycore]

do you know how frustrating it is that you can be an emotionally mature person with good communication skills and it'll amount to nothing if the other people in your life are emotionally immature people with bad communication skills

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[angelkittycore]

if you talk shit about me you must have a very boring life. you're welcome

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[angelkittycore]

that twaumies blog i found in the trauma vent tag was rly fucking offensive and annoying so i blocked them. using traumacore aesthetic to vent about mcdonald nuggets sure is something. =_=

[angelkittycore]

my secret that would get me skinned alive is i think people on here throw around the words abuse and accuse people of being abusers way too fucking easily. sometimes ill follow someones story about it and it turns out all the "abusive toxic friend" did was not know they were upset when they refused to tell them, and they let it fester for years causing them stress and building up resentment for this person and blaming this person for everything bad in their life, and i just look at it like man. this is your own fault. you would have had 0 stress if you just talked to this person when you were upset. there would be no health complications from stress if you just fucking talked to this person when you were upset. you are wishing harm and death on this person for not being able to read your mind.

i think many people here are just insanely conflict avoidant with no conflict resolution skills or ability to communicate and they want to blame it on a big bad scary version of the person theyre accusing that they made up in their mind to be scared of for no reason so they feel justified when they ruin their life over it. in reality thats just another mentally ill person going through a lot who would help you if they could but you won't fucking let them.

ive seen a lot of people also turn on the accused bc if the accused can't remember doing anything wrong, or lashes out when scared by this, they have to be lying, right? when in most of these cases its again literally a situation where the person did not tell them a single thing was wrong, and to think someone is going to rationally handle suddenly being accused of so many terrible things is insane tbh

i think a lot of people just want a reason to hate someone and feel justified in bringing them harm, especially if someone wants a friendship on equal grounds but they dont want to put any effort in and feel threatened when asked to

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[angelkittycore]

bluergh can xyz friend please be more critical of the people it rbs from and practice what it preaches about not falling for vague posts about situations.

[angelkittycore]

can my mutual give it a rest /w the self deprecation and complete disregard for others caring about them and their wellbeing. i dont know if i want to ignore and block their vents, confront them and tell them that it's pushing people away, or just block them atp. bc while i care abt them dearly as a friend its making me feel exhausted.

[angelkittycore]

i think i am. sapphillean. idk. much thoughts.