angelusecret

[angelusecret]

And idk why I feel guilty cos I’m not even seeing him we don’t even flirt we’re just talking n you blatantly have no problems moving on or attachment to me it only took you 10 days to crack on with Jess after a two year relationship lol so why do i feel guilty who knows who you’re getting into now no doubt

[angelusecret]

I just don’t know what to say to you anymore

[angelusecret]

I CARE

SO FUCKING DEEPLY FOR YOU

THAT THIS HURTS SO FUCKING MUCH

AND I DONT GET TO HURT AND FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF BECAUSE BREAKING US UP WAS MY CHOICE I DID THIS

BUT

F U C K

Why is this so confusing why does everything about you when it comes to this confuse me why can I be fine I have cut so many people out of my life and never looked back i have been able to walk away from people and not think about them anymore why the fuck do you live rent free in my mind why am I okay and know I made the right choice until I speak to you why am I constantly desperate to see you and feel you and kiss you why do I have this fucking urge to just show up at your house none of this is fair on you i’m being such a fucking head Fuck but I cannot help myself I feel like I’m physically drawn to you I can’t imagine myself with anyone else I feel like i’m already resigned to the fact I’ll fucking wait if you were to show up in my life in a year or so and have done everything I’ve wanted for you I would come running back in a heartbeat but by that point you won’t want me anymore you’re going to get over me and I don’t think I’ll ever be over you

[angelusecret]

My head is FUCKED

[angelusecret]

[angelusecret]

I just hope you know I never wanted to hurt you,

That I do love you

You’ll always, always have a place in my heart and I will always have time for you

And I hope one day we can be in each other’s lives again

I just know now probably isn’t that time, and it won’t be for a long time

Thank you for trying to make it easy for me, I know that just accepting what I was saying came at a great personal cost

I know you don’t see it the way I do right now, and I hope you don’t hate me when you do

I hope you don’t hate me now

I love you, and goodbye

[angelusecret]

“I don’t need you. I don’t need you .. I don’t need you … I don’t need you …. I don’t need you ….. I don’t need you …… Okay, I need you, I want you, I Love You, I miss You.”

—

[angelusecret]

ur literally only game for this when I speak to you about it n then it’s like u switch off u have done NOTHING literally fuck all I’ve found u courses I’ve done all the fucking leg work for you n u just do the bare minimum and expect a round of applause and then you have the audacity to speak to me and talk about last year like I dumped you cos I was pregnant n weird when I LITERALLY SAID 100 TIMES it was because!!! Of this!!! Because u refuse to do anything with your life and I refuse to end up like your parents where ur ma goes to work all day every fucking day n wears herself out to DEATH and comes home to a filthy house n ur da smoking roggers and ashing on the floor not even bothering to wash his face nah thats not for me it’s my worst fucking nightmare get off your arse and just DO SOMETHING

[angelusecret]

grow up for fucks sake

[angelusecret]

idk who needs to tell u this but u keep feeling the need to stress how much happier you are n how much better off u are now and it kinda seems forced as fuck lmao also it’s proper obvious ur only with ur new one because they do tattoos lmaooo u just use people for what they have u see no value in people unless u can take something from them the day they tell u they can’t tattoo u for free anymore is the day ur relationship starts to fail i’m calling it right now ur nothing but a leech and a user it’s a fucking pattern through ur whole life ur an ungrateful compulsive liar who used his parents, siblings, friends, and partners (and their parents lmao) to get drugs, money, and somewhere to stay when u pissed everyone else off enough to be done with you I wish I’d known the truth about u before I subjected my family to living with u u have no idea how much you fucked everything up literally the second u moved out everything started getting better

I don’t pretend it was all u I know it wasn’t I am much more aware now of what I was like and I see my toxic behaviour much more clearly now when it slips out toward Angel I refuse to make the same mistakes with him like I did with u and I’m sure u probably feel the same with ur new partner.

The only thing is ur bitter as fuck and I’ve never known anyone to hold a grudge like u do. U held shit that happened in our first argument over my head for the two years we were together, u punished me for shit after ‘forgiving’ me until the end of our relationship u are, or at least were, disgusting and rotten on the inside and u spread that rot and infected my life with it and it’s only years later I’ve managed to clean it all out. But I’m sure you have a book of horror stories about how I treated you, too.

The bottom line is, I wish I could say for sure whether or not you felt the same looking back on our relationship: we should never have gotten together. I think we liked each other and appreciated each other and we did care about each other. But it wasn’t love, what we had. We met when both of us were on the verge of a mental collapse and instead of keeping each other above the water, we dragged each other down. You seem like you place the sole blame on me, but we both left one another to hack away at ourselves. I left you to cut and burn yourself, and you left me to do the same. You left me to starve myself, and I left you to not strive for anything better than my front room. We both enabled and encouraged each other to smoke too much weed, and our relationship ended up being this horrible, tense, toxic, co-dependant-trauma-bonded mess.

If we had just stayed friends.

If we had just allowed ourselves to get to know each other.

If we hadn’t had something to prove, to Tasher and to Jin,

If we’d just gotten better or known even a little bit more about each other, we probably would be okay now.

We wouldn’t be together, we just weren’t meant for that, but we could have been friends and I think we would have been good friends to each other.

There’s too much damage. We gouged this huge wound over the course of our relationship and then we went our separate ways having never gotten any closure on it, and now over time we’ve healed and we’ve done so so far away from each other that there’s a thick ugly scar there now and we have two options:

We can either remove the scar tissue and go through all that pain reliving the creation of the wound, and then heal it back up together so there’s only a thin line rather than a scar.

Or we can just ignore the scar, make peace with one another while apart and one day be able to pass each other in the street and not want to kill ourselves or each other.

I think the latter is most likely, though I doubt we’d ever pass each other. It’s already been over two years since we saw each other in person.

I’m happy for you. I genuinely am. I wrote some horrible stuff when I started this weird open letter, but you’re probably a different person now, I know I am. I think if I wasn’t happy for ur new relationship I’d have to still have feelings for you, and I can say with certainty that I’ll probably always have a platonic soft spot for you, always have time for u if u needed me. I just don’t love you, and I don’t think of you as this perfect, wonderful, talented, amazing, god like man anymore. I realise now I had idealised you into someone you weren’t. Only four years late.

Still, despite all that nasty shit, I always defend you. When my dad makes a comment I remind him I was no angel. I make sure Georgia remembers that I’m the one who did the screaming. I tell Angel he has no idea what he’s talking about- that the only people who truly understand us and the dynamic and the twisted bond we had is you and me. That’s the problem, we were too secretive and guarded. Now everyone in our lives have a twisted idea of how we were and I don’t think you or I will ever really know for sure how it was because we spent 99% of our time stoned and the other 1% going through some shit.

I don’t know why I wrote this, I think I just needed to vent a bit. These are the things I’d probably want to say to you, but won’t get the chance to, but that’s fine because I don’t think I need that. Last year I probably felt different, I would have given anything to have sat down and just had a talk to get closure and make peace. I don’t need that anymore, I don’t think you ever did.

This is the last I think or say or post or wonder about you.

Good luck, peace be upon you.

Have a nice life.

[angelusecret]

Kiddy Akita Lou shot by Brandon Bowen.

[angelusecret]

it’s a bit fucking late for sweet babying words lmao

when are you going to understand that it doesn’t help it just pisses me off when you creep round me like some kicked lovesick puppy I HATE it

[angelusecret]

it’s weird because like

I could just kill myself right now and nobody would stop me

nobody could

i could say my goodbyes and be hidden and dying before anyone found me

i’m right around the corner to where i was going to do it that christmas

i could walk out now and nobody could stop me

literally nobody has the power to stop me

the only person who could talk me down if they got there in time would be my dad but he wouldn’t get there in time that would be impossible

i could go around everyone’s rooms and take their medications to OD on this couch

I could just grab that duvet cover from the ironing and go to jubilee and hang myself

I could take that bone knife and slit my throat or my wrists

I could just bite off my tongue and let myself bleed out

i should probably call someone

imm probably just overtired

it probably doesn’t matter

it probably wasn��t even aimed at me

i’m probably not that bad of a person

I could literally kill myself right now and nobody would or could stop me

[angelusecret]

i just feel lonely

i just feel empty

i want to go home

i want my dad i just want to go home now

i feel like i don’t matter when people have someone else to talk to

like i’m just a placeholder

i’m disposable and replaceable

I don’t want to be alone but I also don’t want any company

I feel like I’ve been putting off having visitors and avoiding talking about Angel coming down because i feel like i’m just going to wind up exhausted and I just don’t know what I want anymore what do I fucking do i want to be alone but don’t want to be lonely

[angelusecret]

Idk I know I’m just being a whiny ungrateful cunt I just want to have a conversation like adults maybe laugh a bit with u why does it always have to get uncomfortable and forced and mushy within 2 seconds idk what do or say lmao like ‘no u’ is boring now

[angelusecret]

idk what to do anymore am tired of having the same conversation and being in the same place we’re just not moving forward and it’s obvious that won’t change in a couple of weeks when we can see each other

like can we have a conversation instead of just going ‘i love you’ ‘no, I love YOU’ or ‘get ye’ I’m bored of it now it’s not cute anymore it’s just annoying can we be fucking adults just once

[angelusecret]

I guess I’m just??? Tired of having the same conversation over and over again not just every day but throughout the day there’s never anything to talk about just ‘Sophie is doing my head in’ or ‘my dad is doing my head in’ or ‘some other stupid petty shite is doing my head in’ like

PLEASE just do something productive? Try and fix your sleeping pattern? Actually buy the blocks you said you were going to get like two months ago? Do all the stuff you said you’d started doing when we got back together I feel like you started doing stuff n then we got back together and you just decided you didn’t have to anymore because since we got back together you have literally done nothing you went to the gym twice and TALKED about the concept of starting a small business and even now you’ve gone off that and onto making dice like I don’t even know what to do anymore I’m tired all the time and we don’t talk about anything on your end because whenever I ask what you’re up to it’s literally the same thing every single time it’s the same thing ‘oh not a lot did some dishes before n just sat with my dad’ you’re turning into him and going back on everything that happened during our break up and after it everything is back to how it was except now it’s worse because you promised me you would make an effort and you haven’t done anything I get it you’re locked in but Jesus Christ so is literally everyone else there’s elderly people in their 90s locked up alone just get a grip and start getting your shit together PLEASE just stop feeling sorry for yourself and do something