angelvanhelsing

[angelvanhelsing]

i wonder if it would be cruel to reach out to this old friend of mine? i feel like i've fucked with her head enough with how i constantly reappear and vanish and reappear and vanish again. i recognize now it's because i have DID but that doesn't make it any less painful to be on the receiving end of. i'm such a self serving person lol

[angelvanhelsing]

source

[angelvanhelsing]

i think one thing i can give him credit for however, though, is that he helped me to realize i do not have bpd and when i thought i had it, i was just reacting to abuse. for all of the things i'm realizing now were red flags, he did give me a safe enough space to calm down from some immense traumatic wounds and i can think far more calmly and clearly. i was told by the people i was involved with before him that i wasn't reacting to abuse at all and that it was just something worse deep within me, and i believed them, but i think if i had bpd, i would be reacting far more vitriolic right now. but i find it hard to genuinely hate him. i'm hurt and angry but i don't really feel genuine hatred. he's been through a lot and his behavior is a product of what he's been through. he would be frequently beaten as a child for stepping out of line, so i understand why me drawing issue with his behavior would scare him! i want him to heal :') but he can't exactly get therapy while he's in the military because they'll report everything.

he helped me, and i helped him, and sometimes, that's all a persons role is in your life. i will still cook and clean for him while he's funding my life, he's technically legally obligated since i'm listed as his dependent and gets extra money as a result. he also dearly needs the nutritional value. but before this all happens, i'm going to try to emotionally detach enough so that it feels as if we were never romantically involved, and that we were just two besties who got hitched for the bennies LOL

[angelvanhelsing]

[angelvanhelsing]

last night i was driving to buccees for some sweet delicious succulent cherry sours and as i passed by all the lights of my hometown and then drove off into the countryside, i felt a strange longing. not exactly for him, but for a place to call home, both in a physical location sort of way, and within a person. i have been terribly lonely most of my life, but now i feel like i have the life experience i need to truly find the forever person i can find a home within. i want to go on road trips with them, go antiquing and talk about stupid internet shit and get really excited about silly decor to place in our home, which would be quite cute. i'm sure we'd have a shitty apartment at first but it'd be ours.

some of the most relaxing times i've had are strangely the cross-country road trips i've driven, perhaps because it's always been a time where i have existed in limbo. looking forward to something new, but also leaving something behind me. i want to be able to feel that calmness all of the time, but because i have security of the present.

i am thinking back to the time where he said that sometimes he feels the only way to control my anxiety is to hit me and i didn't like that and he apologized, and i insisted that i felt thats a really bad thought i dont think i should just let slide with a sorry. and then he started threatening to leave me and acting like i suddenly didn't care about him anymore and i caved and thinking about that, i really do feel like our relationship ending is the best choice, and i just need to get over the trauma bond residue :')

[angelvanhelsing]

little match girl

[angelvanhelsing]

i am thinking back to the time where he said that sometimes he feels the only way to control my anxiety is to hit me and i didn't like that and he apologized, and i insisted that i felt thats a really bad thought i dont think i should just let slide with a sorry. and then he started threatening to leave me and acting like i suddenly didn't care about him anymore and i caved and thinking about that, i really do feel like our relationship ending is the best choice, and i just need to get over the trauma bond residue :')

[angelvanhelsing]

[angelvanhelsing]

[angelvanhelsing]

i wonder if i’ll ever feel safe enough with anyone to cry around them again

[angelvanhelsing]

gen 1 porcelain figures

[angelvanhelsing]

[angelvanhelsing]

realizing how heavily i was lovebombed and i fell for it like a dumbass lol jesus

[angelvanhelsing]

my honest emotions.

[angelvanhelsing]

[angelvanhelsing]

i love you gymbro lee

[angelvanhelsing]

i trusted him fully and never once suspected he would do me like that, he never gave me any reason to think he would so it's just like ?????? dude. just gonna cry it out now and cross my fingers i meet someone new in july

it's so difficult accepting that it's over, i wish things were different, even now with all the anger i hold i still find myself wishing i could run up to him and hug him and everything would be okay, but that's just not reality. it's the nostalgia talking and the person i fell in love with doesn't exist anymore