angryfeministworkouts

[angryfeministworkouts]

Killing the Model Minority In Me: Rejecting My Productivity As Intrinsic Value

The pandemic has been so hard for many folks. While I thankfully have not been affected by knowing someone specifically who has passed, I believe the energy of waking up in a country where we are grieving more than 165,000 (at this moment) is draining.

Being unemployed, I thought I would have all of this time to do so much. But the myth of meritocracy doesn’t help us in the long run, does it? 

I didn’t do that thing that I wanted to do today. I didn’t do that other thing either. I wasn’t very productive today. Why am I so tired all of the time? I couldn’t even get that done today? What is wrong with me?

These thoughts have come through and luckily I do have a great support system - folks would tell me - “But wait - you’ve actually done all this and none of this matters because you can always take time for it tomorrow and nothing is urgent anywa-”

I attended an Asian American Artists workshop and one of the main speakers wrote this on her wall as a mantra - “How am I killing the minority model myth within myself?”

That one hit me hard. I’ve been learning that meritocracy is not the way. Your value doesn’t always need to come from what you have done or what “I perceive” to have value. (For example - throwing out disabled people because we’re taught that they’ve less value than those who are able-bodied) You know you live in this society too. We applaud accomplishments, productivity, capital wealth gained from “value created.” Well if we all have value intrinsically - the merit-based system of value is rendered useless.

So I opened myself up to this “killing of the model minority” inside me. I put it in quotes because I want it to become a revelation for many Asians in the diaspora, not just those in the United States.

We have value outside of our accomplishments. We are valuable because we are human, because we were brought to be here by the guidance of our ancestors, by the forces that have fought for us to be alive. We have thoughts and dreams and talents that are unique to us, and we have value intrinsically in being ourselves. That is the way I’ve been killing the model minority in myself - and it’s a daily monster but the most worthy one for me today.

[angryfeministworkouts]

Is Catholicism and spirituality compatible with feminism?

My dad told me the other day “I don’t think you’re praying enough.”

He was right - I’ve been spending more time meditating instead. Before the pandemic I’d go to church every Sunday but since then have taken more time to develop spirituality in a different way - less of a one-way conversation with me and God but a little more with asking for clarity, mindfulness and inner peace that aligns more with spirituality than organized religion.

But is all of that at war with each other? I had to ask myself a couple of times to be sure. Did more meditation and less formal ways of conversing with a higher power mean that I am being less religious?

I don’t think so. 

I still choose the identity of Catholicism. And of spirituality. And of feminism.

Catholicism still has so many things to apologize for. Colonialization, pedophilia, homophobia, inquisition, genocide --- It’s why I don’t understand when people want to fault Islam when death/torture in the name of “Christ” has been quite tremendous. These people usually mad at Islam also heavily overlap with those wearing crosses around their necks. 

But religion is deeply personal. Catholicism was a choice my family made for me, but reiterated for myself when I was in NYC during September 11. Catholicism was a choice I made again when I would travel to many countries across the globe and when I traveled on a Sunday, I would make it to a church for a Mass in a different language, with different customs, but where I could still feel at home.  Organized religion appeals more to my Virgo rising self - the process, the sacraments, the order.Catholicism has a small dash but still always has statues of Mary in some form around the church, whether it’s Our Lady of Lourdes or Blessed Virgin Mary in Virgin of Guadelupe - unlike some of the other Christian religions. 

And religion - is what you make of it in the end. Even some form of bastardized religion still counts as being religious. My mom’s never really been all in anyway, I think non-white Catholics all have to reconcile some part of indigenous parts of their histories into their Catholicism. Filipinos have always had “Black Nazarene,” and according to Wikipedia was made by a painter in Mexico and brought over with the Spanish. We’ve always been a household that blended cultures -- my mom is also a feng shui master (certified and yes, that is the official title) so crystals have always been in my household. To get ready for college, I had to pray a novena, place amethyst in the “education” corners of my room and light incense to the gods. 

It’s looking really similar to wellness these days in the form of candle lighting, tarot cards and crystals as well. Lots of feminists are buying heavily into the spirituality movements and I don’t think these are unrelated.

Catholicism at its core wasn’t about Sunday church being a place to show off or for people to slight each other at how much better they are than one another at being a good Christian/Catholic/believer. It was meant for a community of sinners to come together and with the power of their united prayer & renewed message from a priest, bring them some internal peace to take with them throughout the week. Sort of like setting intentions for the day as we say in modern spiritual wellness. And none of that conflicts with feminism, especially if your church is in Los Angeles like mine and has queer flags, preaches for alms for the poor, forgiveness for our faults and strength for our upcoming and current obstacles.

Everyone can use a little help. And if you believe in a higher power, no one person on earth has the answer since all of these rituals (meditation vs. prayer, intention vs. spreading the word, crystals vs. cross) were made by humans. So I don’t think there’s a conflict between my version of religion or my version of feminism. And so I concluded that while he was right, I wasn’t praying in the traditional organized sense of Christianity and in church (which has been hard too since the pandemic / Zoom church isn’t the same) - I’ve developed some new rituals that have been working for me so far. And taking my own religion into my own hands feels feminist as fuck.

[angryfeministworkouts]

My Problematic Favs

It’s like the only thing we are allowed to have difficult relationships with are our bodies.

Not the Disney princesses. Which on one hand allowed me to bond with many of the girls in my childhood with otherwise not much else in common. But also allowed for misguided conceptions about femininity, having a story that circled around a man, and also placing whiteness as the epitome of beauty.

Not the 44th President, Obama. We’re supposed to love him but for everyone talking about ICE and detentions these days, he was the one who appointed the ICE director Thomas Hoffman in 2013, who deported more people under his presidency (and Biden’s Vice presidency) than other presidents before him. 

Not luxury designer items. I absolutely love drooling over my designer items but sometimes I wonder how many of the luxury designer houses were propped up my military coup dollars, or by the losses of millions to genocide (where does their wealth go?), political corruption, etc. But my blood sweat and tears went into my goods, plus the resale value is an INVESTMENT!!

But dealing with the most problematic of all - Biden. I’m team #SettleForBiden, which Angela Davis supported - because he is a candidate we can push around, supposedly. He’s the most problematic. His record with writing the crime bill that increased federal funding for police in the 90s, his history of how he talked to Anita Hill and his current weak standing on details of his leadership is not looking good. But Trump --

Trump actually is one person I do not have complicated feelings for. I do not even hate him. But his policies and how destructive he has been with handling of this pandemic as well as the federal judges he has appointed in the past four years will wreck us for years to come. We are already ruined - and the devil that I know (Trump) would considerably be the worst problem we could bring in November.

I’ll continue to work through problematic favs and my relationships with all of the above and also all the problematic relationships we have in our lives (capitalism, patriarchy, socialism). But come November, I’m stupidly voting for Biden. No problem there. 

[angryfeministworkouts]

I’m Deleting the Word “Mrs.” From My Vocabulary

Why does a woman’s title change as she gets married? And it’s only a white people thing anyway. (JK - Chinese has different titles for married women as well but English is my main language and I’m sure patriarchy extends in language to many more places)

Miss - unmarried Mrs. - married Ms. - unclear and who cares but also assumes feminine (she/her) pronouns Mr. - unclear of marital status which is great but assumes male (he/him) pronouns Mx. (pronounced Mx) and everyone can fall under this bucket regardless of marital status!

Reasons for no longer using Mrs.

Elderly white women these days are all “Call me Janet!” and everyone else that I know of who could go by “Mrs” (aka my friends’ parents) much prefer “Auntie.” My mom didn’t even take my dad’s last name so while she sometimes answers by that, it doesn’t mean she goes by that. So for now, I really am just going to delete that word from my vocabulary. The only use I see for it is in wedding bridal accessories, which however cute, is not for me. 

Reasons for using Mx.

It works for every person and spans across all genders including nonbinary folks

It was added to the dictionary in 2016 and is formally a word that we can all use as “honorific titles” go

It bypasses marital status, gender and ends all conversations on what a title is for - thereby solving all of the ambiguities that go with addressing a specific person, which is what we all aim for -  being addressed as the person we are!

Mx. Workout

I felt like the spirit of the gender nonbinary movement was 3 - 3 colors on a flag, for some people a 3rd gender, in binary there is only 2 but in gender nonbinary there is at least 3 (Tinder has 50 gender options I think). Also plugging Chloe and her workout here as a trans womanhere

15 Minute Workout EMOM (every minute on the minute complete a workout then rest)

15 Cheater Burpees

Because cheater burpees focus on the lower half of the body, which for some reason dictates all of the above

33 Donkey Kicks Left Leg

No matter what gender identity, a cute booty is always a good look

33 Donkey Kicks Right Leg

See above.

33 Toe Touches

Toe touches just help with core and stomaching a new honorific is difficult for people but not for us!

30 Glute Bridges 

Glute bridges help with growing a butt, but (ha) they also allow us to squeeze the inner pelvic muscles which is great for cancers that can develop in that area for all genders (prostate, cervical, etc).

[angryfeministworkouts]

Black August Protest Prep Workout

Even though the George Floyd protests are no longer being covered, they’re still going on. And yes, please go get tested after large protests as is protocol. Here is a workout in honor of protesting and in honor Black August.

For BlackAugust, which is a month dedicated to the freedom and liberation of the Black community in the States officially starting in the 1970s, it has become more global over time.

August 1 - Emancipation Day of the Caribbean  - very greatly detailed in the celebrations of Carnivale and in my fellow bloggers’ posts here and here.

August 7 - 50 years ago today, August 7, 1970, Jonathan Jackson was killed in an attempt to liberate prisoners in California. 

August 21 - Jonathan Jackson’s brother, George, was killed a year later by the state as he was also trying to free prisoners. This group became known as the Soledad Brothers.

In honor of Black Liberation and the protest we all may be attending this weekend, a workout to get you warmed up for a protest. I’ve attended just a couple and protesting is just a small way of activism, mind you (Black August Mamas Bail Out is my personal favorite) but to prepare for a march using mainly our limbs for walking and sign holding and shouting chants, this workout will mainly deal with legs, arms and core. 

Before the workout - Meditate & Warm-Up.

Meditate

Use Affirmations That Set the Intention - some examples.

I have the strength of all of my ancestors in me to affect as much change as I can during my time on this earth.

I have more power than they believe me to have.

Create your own!

Warm-Up

“The World’s Greatest Stretch” - not only will it stretch your legs but also open up your hips. And in wellness, hip openers allow for feeling. You’re marching for a cause, remember the reason why you’re marching. Feel the feelings that it brings up and just lean into position that way. Feel free to take a modification and bring the inside arm closest to your leg and extend it up towards the ceiling, eyes following the outstretched hand for a wider stretch (It’s a heart opener too!)

Strengthen Legs for Marching

High Knees (1-Minute)

Hop between your legs on one leg at a time, bringing the knees up as high as possible. Make it fast enough to get your heart rate going but also slow enough to make sure to land on the balls of your feet only. This strengthens knee muscles and as I’m getting older that’s a major weak spot for me. Making sure to land “softly” ensures that you aim for proper foot placement, which will allow for greater stability in your protest walks. 

Alternating Squat Lunges (40 total)

As you lunge between your left and right left, squat as you switch. Not for the faint of heart, modify as needed and take your time if you need to.

Strong Arms for Holding Up Signs

Tricep Dips (20)

Push-Ups on Knees (35)

Community Circle Arms (2 minutes)

With arms Extended Wide and palms open up, making little circles for 2 minutes, reversing the circle directions after 1 minute - bonus points if you have a tiny weight (full water bottles are fine)

Inverted Shoulder Press (15)

Getting into downward dog position, do a push-up and feel the weight and strength in your shoulders

Strong Core for Chants

Leg Ups (20)

Bicycle Crunches (50)

Modified V-Ups (5)

Cardio Cool-down

Jumping Jacks (100)

I promise I’m not trying to hurt anyone, I am trying to get you going. There is a difference!

Bear Crunch (10)

Get onto your hands and knees, take deep breaths and slowly left one leg into a crunch and tap it with your alternating hand. 

Cheers and safe protesting this weekend. <3

[angryfeministworkouts]

Things I Am Trying Not to Judge In People:

Hairstyle

No - I don’t care about whether hair looks “professional” but whether it’s “put together” or not - especially in myself. Yesterday I got on a call with my best friend and because my hair was in a lopsided bun, I spent precious effort trying to make it better instead of being present with my best friend who I hadn’t talked to in over 2 months.  Actually now that I think of it I hardly care about the hair of my friends. For my boyfriend --> I’m still working on that one but that’s what hats are for!

Makeup

Mindfulness exercises have taught me that some weird things go through my mind when I see folks with a full face of makeup. Think about what you think when you see the following situations

a full face of makeup at 11 AM in a drugstore

eyebrows that are heavily drawn on

eyebrows that are tatoooed and blue in color

black eyeliner and bright red lipstick

Do any of these bring about certain stereotypes? They do with me - and it’s none of my business. Red lipstick doesn’t have to mean trashy, it also doesn’t need to mean “fierce.” It can just be.

Spoken English

A grasp of spoken English is a privilege. This I know, but sometimes when listening I’ll trip up on something. And why do we think British accents are sexy? Other accents are not --- Gotta unlearn that.

Grammar

People are not better or worse than me because of their grammar. I said - I’m working on this - as a child who focused heavily on grammar because it was much better than my math, that was just something I was happy to be good at. That being said, it is also a privilege and when reading arguments online (except I don’t do that!) it’s new not to make a judgement about grammar.

Change in weight

It’s so common in Asian households to talk about weight as a measure of time passing, or as a metric for how well someone has done. I lost a bunch of weight a year ago and I felt weird when people I hadn’t seen in a while made comments about it - even though they were my friends and even though I made comments on it. I do ask about workout routines though but not just in a physical sense. How’re you feeling about your body, how’s that relationship  these days? Same as how we ask about intimate relationships. 

Amount of self-tanner

It’s not my business if someone wants to be orange - this includes Donald Trump. Plenty of actual ways to insult someone’s work in the political office without having to resort to talking about his skin color. 

Cosmetic surgery

Moving to LA, I was so stunned by the presence of lip jobs. And boob jobs. Having a large bust and getting the arm jiggle that accompanies one made me so jealous of women who were able to fit into the larger cups and not have “chichos,” under their arms, as my friends and I called it. I try to get over it. It’s hard to strike a balance about the monolid surgery as a “none of my business” when I know from research that it was a way for American doctors to operate on Korean sex workers and test to see if they were more attractive to American GIs. There’s underlying racism in cosmetic surgery that I can’t change. But I suppose there’s also no reason to judge someone for it. 

-----

There - not perfect. But the 1% better we always talk about in workouts and physical fitness should also transfer into the 1% mentally stronger, more accepting parts of us too.

1% Better // ~10 Minute Workout

70 second flow kicks 70 second plank 70 mountain climbers 70 lunges (35 each side) 70 second skater jumps 70 crunches 7 burpees

[angryfeministworkouts]

The Power of Music in Protests

Protesting is my cardio, so to speak - but singing can sure take a breath away too. 

---

I wanted to compile a few stories of how song in a movement is so powerful. I was in a convo where musicians who were anxious that taking to their craft was somehow taking away from the movement. But I’d argue that the art of song is a part of the movement, too. Hope you enjoy a couple of the anecdotes below.

(I’m also not giving enough credit to the below stories but I encourage more research into it -- these stories deserve more than small social media posts - they deserve books, movies, multiple streaming adaptations. Plus Googling any of these names will count as extra search results, be considered more “of interest,” with more “social science data” to better support my theory.)

Fannie Lou Hamer - Songs My Mother Taught Me

As Fannie Lou Hamer traveled 26 miles across Mississippi to register to vote with a group of other African American people, the group was met with men who were circling the courthouse with rifles in the back of their pickup trucks. That day they were given overly challenging tests (define “de facto”) in order to be able to vote and were unable to vote due to discrimination. On the way home, police arrested the bus driver for driving a bus of people of “the wrong color.” Hamer used her voice to sing songs that would calm the other passengers down. Source - National Museum of African American History

A post shared by NMAAHC (@nmaahc) on Aug 4, 2020 at 11:54am PDT Harry Belafonte

Harry Belafonte gave a talk to a bunch of activists as part of his work with Justice League NYC that I attended in 2018 --- he talked about how his singing tours helped him to raise money for MLK. And while he didn’t sing many “protest songs” and more “feel-good” songs - this did not detract from the movement. He was able to fund many of the efforts that MLK was holding and ended up contributing significant amounts to make the March on Washington happen, also convincing other members of Hollywood to be able to make and attend the march. Sometimes our place as artists and creators is helping to faciliate the leaders, either with dollars or by influence.

Ferguson Protests // Owner of Corner Cafe (detailed in Jeff Chang’s ‘We Go be Alright)

Okay so I don’t have the full name of this person but he was a white small-business owner of a cafe in Ferguson that allowed his space to become one of the political spaces of protests. One night when the police were coming around and antagonizing protestors in the area and he knew that folks in his cafe and standing around were going to be in trouble, he decided to start singing. He sang a song and everyone in the cafe and around the area standing in support of the protest also started to sing the song. The police did not know what to do. They did not arrest anyone that night because it was difficult to paint these people in the streets as violent when there was clearly something beautiful being made -- the power of art and song.

Thought I would log this tip. So if you’re in a protest and it starts to get dire - sing. I think it’d be quite brave. And it often confuses the police so anything that’ll help curb arrests -- I want it to be displayed in as many places as possible. Share the tip if you like - it has proven to be powerful time after time ;)

[angryfeministworkouts]

Common Misconceptions About My Dating Life (as a cis-hetero feminist woman)

Yesterday was my boyfriend’s birthday so I took a day off from blogging but figured a post about this would still be relevant no matter when! Here are what I think to be common misconceptions about dating as a feminist woman in a cis-heterosexual relationship.

10. I hate men. I definitely dislike the patriarchy but as hetero-woman, I was still going to date cis-men. I actually take a lot after my father so hating men would maybe be similar to hating myself and part of my feminist belief is that we all need more love - so no. The tenet of feminism I love the most are how much men need more love - they often don’t have places with their friends or family to really discuss “real shit” like depression and emotional health so I’m happy to provide that for a partner or for a friend. But also - I only date people who have gone to therapy because while I’ll provide the space, I’m not doing all the damn work. And that goes for friends of all genders, really.

9. I don’t do housework. LOL. What my partner and I end up doing is a) what needs to be done around the house b) what we like to do when we have a bit more time on our hands.  Some of it falls into traditional gender roles, some of it doesn’t. It depends on the preference of the person you are dating. I’ve always been a dishwasher when my friends have had cooking/dinner get-togethers for years. I still now prefer to do the dishes than to do the cooking, which he has taken more of. It’s a partnership. We have distinctly different styles of doing the housework but as humans who have to live in moderately clean homes (being Asian and having Virgo placements) the housework gets done. I have done more loads of laundry but I’ve also cooked exponentially less. He fixes the sink and vacuums more. And in a world/society where so much of the unpaid work a woman does is not considered “work” because it doesn’t get factored into GDP, the very least I expect is equal help with the household.

8. I have lots of cats. Nope, sorry. He’s a dog person and if I were to have a pet, it always would have been a dog.

7. I’m dying alone. Even without a partner, I’ve got tons of friends and community who bond over equality, equity for BIPOC, workouts & fitness and travel. So...not quite true. I think the folks who really actually die alone are those who have pushed people away, who continuously are unpleasant to be around --- and if you really think about it - the journey to death is a solo one.

6. I’m secretly a lesbian. Not true - while we can all be on the spectrum of queerness and I’ve done a lot of digging on myself, I think I’m sticking with the d.

5. I’m unattractive. Well, we are all unattractive to some people but given all of the attention I’ve received in my life simply for my looks - I’m going to ignore that. And when I’m older and get possibly less conventionally “attractive” - feminism also believes that you have value when you age!! 

4. I’m unhappy. Why do people always post feminists as unhappy? We are dreadfully unhappy with society. But that does not mean we have to be unhappy ourselves. We can make cookies and drink tea and sit in the sun and do yoga and drink wine. 

3. I’m not feminine. Incorrect. Sure I like doing things that are outside of traditional gender roles like stock investments and blockchain, but I also like mani pedis, romance novels, and purses (like A LOT -  more than is probably okay with someone who finds capitalism problematic. Feminism is not about not caring how we look like. It’s that we don’t want how we look like to dictate our place in society. That does go across gender too. 

2. I’m not romantic. Let’s redefine what romantic is. Roses and a candlelit dinner? Romantic. Helping each other out with different tasks because your partner is better at something than you and you’re better at something else and accomplishing things together in half the time? ALSO romantic. Sometimes intimacy is mistaken for romance. But physical intimacy and emotional intimacy can both be romantic. None of that goes against my form of feminism, which allows for the full spectrum of human emotions - and doesn’t always have to include money to be achieved.

1. I don’t like sex. There is such a thing as feminist sex. I’m also super Catholic so I’m not going to go into it personally but feminist sex allows for things like orgasm equality (everyone gets an orgasm!), consent, healthy boundaries and all the fun things that we think about when we think about sex. Plus - this is angry feminist workouts. And feminist sex is a feminist workout. Who is going to be angry about that?!

[angryfeministworkouts]

Happy Birthday James Baldwin.

Is it weird to say you identify with someone who is of a different race, a different gender, a different sexuality, a different time period -- who probably wouldn’t like you if he met you?

Haha. I first opened “Go Tell It On the Mountain” when I was about 13. It was so angry, I didn’t understand it. I quickly put it down and wouldn’t look at it for weeks. 

Anger scared me back then. When I could get a better hold of it, I would look more into James Baldwin’s life. I forget which Atlantic essay drove me to take a deeper and closer look - but I saw some parallels that I wanted to hold close.

Anyone moving into Harlem has to somehow get a grasp of James Baldwin’s life - and as I was moving in there in my late 20s, I wanted to explore my new neighborhood and take in the history of all the political figures there. Yuri Kochiyama & Malcolm X’s friendship first, with a photo of the mural they were putting up as I was getting ready to move there. The Apollo Theater. Sylvia’s. Red Rooster. Riverside Church where Martin Luther King Jr would speak. And of course, James Baldwin. 

But what I held the most close in the histories of myself and James (ha) is not actually our shared neighborhood. It is actually in the leaving of America altogether, to find some better sense of identity in a country across the globe. James Baldwin went to France and I went to China and I think in the leaving of a country, sometimes you can better grapple with who you are as a person in the context of a global entity such as America. Can a country be a safe space? Maybe any place outside of one’s home country is a safe space. 

James Baldwin left in a bad place, as he mentions in his Paris Review interview. He had $40 and was going to a dark place and end up like his friend. I left in the height of the Obama administration, where globalism could not look any better for an American - and of course, I left to a country where I could finally blend in and look the same as everyone around me. We leave and we get a sense of invisibility - but in this invisibility we are allowed to breathe. Baldwin would say that 

I’m still learning how to write. I don’t know what technique is. All I know is that you have to make the reader see it. This I learned from Dostoyevsky, from Balzac. I’m sure that my life in France would have been very different had I not met Balzac. Even though I hadn’t experienced it yet, I understood something about the concierge, all the French institutions and personalities. The way that country and its society works. How to find my way around in it, not get lost in it, and not feel rejected by it. The French gave me what I could not get in America, which was a sense of “If I can do it, I may do it.” I won’t generalize, but in the years I grew up in the U.S., I could not do that. I’d already been defined.

In China at a multinational company, I learned how to find my way around it, not get lost in it and not feel rejected by it. I was coming off of a stark change that year - having graduated, then attended such an elite program at Dartmouth I felt swallowed up by the richness in white arrogance, white wealth, white elitism. I almost completely shut down. I had never before ever felt so alone - and I had come from 4 years at a white elite college so that just tells you this was on a whole other level. I made it out but probably shaken in a way that made me determined to get a better sense of self before I stepped back into elite white spaces ever again.

China allowed me to become invisible. From my family, from the social status and comparisons of life among my friends, from all of the whiteness I had just endured. Asian Americans were all over YouTube, gaining larger followings for their antics as people and entertainers, not as the butt of jokes or terrible words from white Hollywood. Online, they were getting into some ridiculous conversations though - I would sift through Facebook groups of all sorts trying to learn and gain a better sense of understanding of cultural shift. I felt myself shifting differently than my friends - even my boyfriend at the time - further and further apart. I wanted more solidarity with the black community, I wanted Asian Americans to be more indignant and participatory in race communications instead of obsessed with representation in minor Hollywood feats and food, instead. I leaned into feminism via these threads and Facebook messages. While I lived a great life in China, I started to feel my idealism mutate though, and it started to lead me back to the States. And with the “expat” title under my belt, I had more than enough self-determination to walk back into white spaces with ease. 

James Baldwin escaped growing racism and tension in the States. Yes, France was (is) racist too, but it was different. In America, racism was still young and supremely ugly. In France, as they had banned slavery for a much longer time, there was a more subtle racism there that he could live with. And while James was friends with many leaders of the civil rights movement, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, and MLK Jr, he still felt that in order to live, he would have to leave. It was in this safe space of his in a country not his own that he was able to develop. 

He wrote his novels, he wrote about being black, but he was not there in the protests, he was not there in many of these strategic fights - he was not in the midst of these things. He was away. But it seems, after he was able to get a better hold of his identity, not just as an Angry Young Man (his words), as a gay man, as a writer, as a unique talent with his powers of observation solidified with wit --- it too brought him back to the States during the Civil Rights movement to do his series of tours that we all see well preserved in the I Am Not Your Negro documentary. 

 Some folks are still writing about his legacy and grappling with similar stories to his --- I attended an IG live from @theglobalblackgirl on how she too had to leave America to feel she could actually get to a place to help it. Sometimes being here can bring you down. During the pandemic, I know many Americans will not be able to leave the country to sit and dwell with their privilege, their race, their places in this global society and look at this with a further distance. But maybe we can also do these things now in the comfort of our own home. With all of the information and ability to “travel” via books, the Internet → maybe we don’t have to leave the country or even our own homes. Maybe we can all build up our tiny revolutions of self-knowledge and self-sanctity in safe spaces. That’s my wish for tonight - for you a safe space from my home tonight. 

[angryfeministworkouts]

The Journey with Anger Behind Angry Feminist Workouts

Growing up as a Catholic Christian, I was taught to hold and control my anger. “Turn the other cheek.” As an Asian American girl, I was even more firmly told to control my anger. Outbursts, especially in public, were the worst transgressions and outwardly showing anger, or any “negative” emotion other than extreme happiness, was discouraged. “It’s unladylike.” “It’s embarassing.” This is the story of my journey with anger.

Why is anger negative? It is part of the human emotional map, just like any other emotion. But why is it also gendered? And White male anger is accepted. The white male is passionate, assertive, and shows leadership. But white male anger causes the most mass shootings in the entire world. Non-white male anger is not as praised, but it is reasoned with. But women have their own issues with anger. 

Women’s anger, in high likelihood is due to actual behaviors of men. Men’s anger, especially towards women, often is because it is their reaction to women’s emotions. Except -- anger is not actually distributed by gender. We all have it because we are all human. So it is unfair how coded it is to have all of these rules on who gets to have it and display it and what it means when some of us show it and some of us are told to hide it. 

Letting go of anger that hurts us is crucial, but how it fuels us can give us energy. Righteous anger, rooted in fear for our loved ones lives and futures, can be channeled into sustainable action. Anger fuels us. Soraya wrote about how rage is fueling in her book, Rage Becomes Her, and detailed it in a TedTalk.  Brittney Cooper writes about anger as a black woman’s superpower in her book, Eloquent Rage and discusses it on NPR. There is a power to anger.  Anger can lead to mass action. Not all of them are always male driven, either. The Women’s March, racially problematic as it was, was one of the largest mass protests in history, only having been surpassed now by The Black Lives Matter movement protests, which have all been fueled by anger of injustice and police brutality for the black community and have included marchers of all genders, races, intersectionalities. 

Anger drives. When I first started this account, it was to take anger from sexism/racism (sometimes both racism & misogyny at once)/white feminism to go to the gym to take out the rage into a productive workout. Every time I was told to smile, I would hold the emotion within me and use it as fuel when I was on the bike, or the rower or performing one more set of leg lifts. I would hear the voice of a man who thought he had the right to treat me like I was property and increase the reps.  Misogynistic and sexist jokes from work about women being on their period were conversations I took to heart, which meant I would increase my cardio.  Annoyance at white women praising feminism but dismissing black women as “ghetto” drove me up the wall - to rock climbing and to pilates to stomach all that nonsense. 

Working out with anger also was a healthy outlet for personal disruptions as well. I took arguments from partners and it got me into the gym, ready to pedal out all of the rebuttals I had. After a breakup, I was in gym 4-5x a week consistently, releasing anger of fear of being alone into multiple rowing sessions. It kept me toned, it helped me calm down, it riled me up into doing something productive.

Working out with anger gave me the drive to go protest more often as well. How could Eric Garner have been killed with an illegal chokehold in my city of New York? My friends were in the NYPD. It was unforgivable. Anger over the detention centers drove me to leave my house and participate in vigils all over the city outside of where the youth were being held without their parents, giving me strength to hold up signs about how Chinese children upon entry to the States were also separated from their parents. Protests became the ultimate cardio. Anger drove all of those workouts.

But anger, deep down, is rooted in fear. It is a warning sign to the brain that the environment we are stepping into is not safe, that there is injustice, that there is something to be fearful of. When we express anger, we express that fear. All of my examples above were productive ways but sometimes anger is not productive. It is destructive. Naming that fear is a great step in helping to overcome the anger, not in a way to hide it but in a way to soothe the underlying emotion.

Easing anger is crucial because it can fuel but it also causes burnout. There are some parts of the original theory of “anger is bad” that ring true.  We hold anger in our body and that can lead to cancer and cardiovascular issues.  It hurts the holder sometimes much more. So while anger at times for me was useful - it let me name the fear, it gave me energy at times - it wasn’t sustainable. Living in fear, even a fear that is acknowledged is not healthy. Perpetual anger with the only release being an assault on my body wasn’t healthy either. Even after naming the fear, when knowing that the fear cannot be absolved, wasn’t enough. A workout didn’t bring Daniel Pantaleo to be arrested, and now I couldn’t even get up enough mental energy to consistently do anything about it.

Working out when angry made me more exhausted, more unlikely to finish longer term sets for myself and I didn’t want to go to the gym because “I wasn’t that angry.” Anger also could come from so many different sources. Yes, sometimes I was angry at misogyny, racism ---> but sometimes anger came from myself - from hating my appearance, from being disappointed with myself, from all the belittling that we can do to ourselves. Anger came from inside myself towards myself - and punishing my body for those feelings was not the answer.

So at some point - I had to let go of anger in my workouts. No, I won’t change the name of the blog. But going consistently enough to work out with/without anger made me realize - when I thought of happy thoughts, I’d actually be able to go much further in my workout than when I previously was doing so out of anger. I could run longer by praising my knees rather than getting mad at my thighs. I would lift heavier when I would focus on how good positions my shoulders were in rather than focusing on some stranger who made me mad that day. And while I couldn’t change the patriarchy, I could focus and change my self-esteem and build on myself in the meantime to be able to better withstand challenges directly in front of me.

Anger got me into fitness, but love keeps me here. Recently, in attending a healing seminar for COVID where I acknowledged I had a fear of the future and was angry at the current state of affairs for COVID in the States, I attended a seminar of Ivy Lee at Luminae Wellness, where she stated that “anger is an unmet need.” That resonated deeply.  I’d grown to be able to name the fear behind anger. It is a great technique when helping to channel anger. But acknowledging that there is a fear because there is an unmet need is how we actively heal from the anger. 

You are not just afraid to be alone, you feel alone. You are not just afraid of being unsafe, you actively feel unsafe. When I was angry and able to name the fear of being ignored at work for my contributions, I wasn’t able to identify the need was to be seen as someone who could give valid contributions. Acknowledging the unmet need that I deserved to be allowed space as a someone with value gave me the strength to demand that for myself and make space all of my fully fledged emotions. Fear of the future for myself means that the unmet need is feeling security in my skillset, in my ability to survive, in my ability to create. 

-----------

For the month of August 2020, I am teaming up with 4 bloggers of color to work on being more creative. I’m letting my anger (read: fear of the future) not hinder me in writing, thinking, dreaming of things outside of my scope. Fear of the future equates to aforementioned anger and ultimately is a path for decisiveness in designing my future.  More love, more art for self-care for myself -- so this is anger translating itself into more love towards myself.

Loving Feminist Future Workout (31 Days)

31 lying down leg raises 10 burpees 31s left side plank 10 burpees 31s right side plank  11 burpees 31s plank

[angryfeministworkouts]

Angry Feminist Finance - Personal Finance

The results of this class blew me out of the water. Props to my students for dealing with a building that was being super difficult, dealing with people arriving on different time frames, my videographer for helping set-up everything so beautifully for me and to the greater energy that allowed me to give and actually have some knowledge gained.

Proudest moment: I assigned every student a class a relatively detailed financial question for the quiz at the end and every single student got the question right. 

I feel oddly about now relying on Powerpoint or Keynote but in my defense, I’ve always had the best teachers and the most effective speakers either 1) not use it at all or 2) rely on it for the most minimal slides. I’m taking that style with me. Because length of decks < deeper thinking about impact. 

:)

[angryfeministworkouts]

Introducing: Angry Feminist Finance!! I've created this 2-hour class to spread some knowledge about the personal finance basics that I've had fun learning about and teaching friends. I'm listing out all of the parts of the course so that if you don't want to/can't attend you can Google everything as well! The aim of this is to provide a space where we can link up and discuss in a safe space what your personal finances can look like, pair that up with frank discussions about wealth inequality among women of color (trans women of color being affected the most) and help all attendees gain a bit of equity if they're unfamiliar with any of the concepts listed. Men are also welcome, but please respect the room. RSVP RULES: It'll be held in NYC the first Saturday of November!! Feel free to venmo me @ AngryFeministWorkouts. Based on final numbers by 10/28, I'll let you know where the class will be held!! Also if it's a smaller class we can do more workshopping of personal finance questions. :D Disclaimer: I am not a certified financial advisor. If you rely on one, make sure yours is a part of a fiduciary otherwise there is no incentive to make good decisions for you. If that means nothing to you, either Google the term or come to the class and we'll talk about it!! Also, this is not a class on "how to budget." There are many resources already out there for that - this is for understanding the financial gap, placing yourself within that space and hopefully making gains to minimize the gap. Part 2 of this may be a "stock portfolio" session but I don't want to cram that in with these topics without proper understanding of financial basics for beginners first. Leaving this with a quote from the brilliant @feminelogram // WORKOUT OF THE DAY: CHASE THAT $$$$!!!!

[angryfeministworkouts]

Pawling Nature Reserve

House Rules for the Hiker n0obs (beginner hikers):

1) Hunting season is from October 1 - December 19, 2017. Please wear orange or bright colors to signify that you are not a piece of flesh to be slaughtered senselessly. :)

2) Wear hiker appropriate clothing. Hills aren’t steep but they can be on an incline and you always want to choose sneakers/boots with good ankle support when on an incline for an extended period of time.

3) Pets are not allowed - we did see a dog and its owner but I think since it the history of the reserve is to grow and preserve different types of fauna, any secretions from pets or animals would be damaging and no one is monitoring to make sure that is clean hence the rule.

4) Sign in/sign out properly and don’t be like me and forget to log our sign-out time! I hope no one is ever curious and if you go after reading this blog, please sign me out! We were there until 5:00 PM on 10/07. You would be the best!!

5) Watch your step, wear bug spray (I have matching mosquito bites on each forearm in the same place) and enjoy the best season of the year!! 

After reading Bill Bryson’s “A Walk in the Woods,” journaling his endeavor on the Appalachian Trail, as a city person who prefers her Keds to trail boots any day, I knew I wanted no part of any of it.

Yet I find myself very drawn to going to a beginner hiking trail near NYC during the fall - because nothing beats a New York autumn (except maybe a more Northeastern autumn...like Boston or Vermont or Connecticut but THAT IS IT).

So on Saturday morning I strong-armed a good friend of mine to get up and drive us to somewhere called the Pawling Nature Reserve. I Googled “upstate NY hikes” for 5 minutes before settling on it, I had my friend who had a car and I was going to experience New York in the fall. There was something called a Pawling Appalachian Trail but that one seemed to be a further drive and the nature reserve I picked had enough trails and I didn’t want anything to do with the Appalachian Trail anyway because befriending a bear was not on my list.

So off we went to the Pawling Nature Reserve.  It is one the easiest hiking trails near NYC in terms of convenience because getting there by train is a cinch. You can hike straight from the train station to the trail - the trail is accessible via the Metro-North from Grand Central Station in Midtown to Pawling station.

As we drove, we had our thoughts about trying to go anywhere new, especially as POC (people of color).  There are tips about passing along “trail magic”, aka nuts, seeds and trail mix when meeting new hikers on the paths. And it’s not like my friend and I were aggressive people at all but I’ve been snubbed before in so-called “friendly white spaces” so that was something we decided to take a risk on. I dutifully brought along two trail magic bags filled with almonds and we navigated our way out past the city and up to where the foliage really began, onto route 22 in search of a much quieter state of mind than that one from the Empire State concrete jungle we are all familiar with.

Following directions towards the Nature Reserve meant we passed by two swatches of “Private Property, No Trespassing sign” that lined both sides of the road for us as we drove up North Quaker Hill, where Google Maps was leading us. It definitely felt like gun country, which in light of the Las Vegas Stephen Paddock incident, was enough to make us nervous - but the signs were on trees on either sides of us, not in front of us ----  so we took it to mean that the path we were on was correct, but we were not to veer off the path in any way shape or form. Nor did we.

We slowly cruised along until we happened upon a small 5-car parking lot and finally figured out that we arrived! We New Yorkers were thoroughly confused by the “no lines, no fees” situation that is the Pawling Nature Reserve. Just “take a map, pick a trail” and be on your merry way. Well if more day trails near NYC end up like the Pawling adventure, I just may end up on the Appalachian Trail more often because lo and behold - the Pawling Nature Reserve was actually THE part of the Appalachian Trail near NYC that I was so dedicated on avoiding!! [I told you - I really only did 5 minutes of Googling]

We walked until we found the guide set up by The Nature Conservancy

Of course we registered and took out a map as well to guide us through the 4-5 paths in the reserve. We took the smallest path as we both had to get back home to Queens and admittedly started pretty late in the day and knew the park was closing at dusk - though dusk really meant “dark” in that part, I believe. 

 From the Pawling Nature Reserve parking lot, we turned left onto the Red trail, then WALKED ALONG THE APPALACHIAN TRAIL (wasn’t on my bucket list before but I guess it’s checked off now!) and then onto the Green trail back to the parking lot. Overall it’s not really a steep hill at all and it was great fun being around the crunchy leaves and honestly - was dead empty. All of my friends go to the same 7 places around NYC - Bear Mountain loop, Sam’s Point, Breakneck Ridge, Storm King. It was nice to go somewhere I’d never heard of - and still be on the famous Appalachian trail that has triumphed many a hiker. Maybe I’ll do a series of Appalachian trails. Never all at once and never the whole thing (sorry Georgia state) but getting out of my comfort zone was definitely a great feeling. If you have other instances where you are able to go outside of your comfort zone this week, I’d love to hear about it! Take care. <3

[angryfeministworkouts]

Finance Fridays --- 

Do you know the epicness that is this feeling? If this is something that is not new to you, I highly applaud you. If this is something that is normal and the regular process every month, I am deeply impressed. 

For those of us with debt, with credit card balances that make us worry at night, for those with student loans that come every month -- this is a goal. And it is a worthy one. One that invites womxn, non-binary folks and men of color to climb alongside. 

Things I’m learning about this week: [probably ongoing topics xD]

0% interest Credit Cards -- Decided on Barclayscard Ring because it donates a portion of your “rewards” to charity and there are 0% foreign transaction fees

ETF investing as a more stable way to invest vs. others and who trades with more ETFs (not surprisingly, woman-led robo-investors like Ellevest index heavily with this vs. Wealthfront and Betterment who will subject your portfolios to more risk)

Reading credit score reports obvi

Finding my risk tolerance for investing and how willing am I to put in the finances in order to gain considerable return within the market?

[angryfeministworkouts]

East River - Sarah Kay

"The day was filled with smoke, ripe fish and an elderly Asian woman brandishing a sword." Watching Sarah Kay on the East River Amphitheater reciting the East River poem. Witness. Also the most East River sentence I've ever heard.

[angryfeministworkouts]

[angryfeministworkouts]

Cardio with my croissants. I've been having great conversations with my (self-identified) ladies lately about growing up and it's so uplifting to be around people who are smart, self-confident and sassy. Shape your tribe / they define who you will become. #NoMetGalaforMoi #GoingHomeTomorrow #Sadness (at Musée du Louvre)