animalfurnace

[animalfurnace]

The dean said I could start my rotation and finish it regardless of the results of my GI remediation exam. Equine field service. I have like no horse experience but the faculty is always telling small animal students “It’s fine if you have no experience, or don’t know anything, we’ll teach you everything and we’re happy to have you!”

lol

When I was doing the PE for my first patient on Monday, the resident chewed me out for being “too nervous.” And I don’t know a lot about horses. I don’t know their vaccine schedule or the most common causes of colic or the normal TPR values off the top of my head. I don’t have a lot of experience describing where lesions are on their anatomy or naming the parts of their limbs. And she just kept lecturing me on “You really need to study the species on your rotations before the rotations.” Ok. 

Today I did an exam on a horse and got a low heart rate, which I thought was weird, and I was going to double check it because I thought it was low. Before I got a chance, but as I was putting on my stethoscope again, this resident asked what I got for the heart rate and I told her. She immediately said, “First of all, you should know the normal range for heart rate by now. Second, don’t just make up a number if you can’t hear the heart.” And I was confused. She kept going, “Don’t lie about your patient.”

I didn’t lie. I realized I just multiplied wrong. Dumb, but I realized it, and I would have realized it when I was writing it down or talking about it if she hadn’t accused me of lying?

Later she had me give an IV injection, which I’ve never done on a horse. I’ve never touched a horse with a needle for anything. And it was hard—a different process than a dog or a cat. My fingers didn’t know how to hold the needle. The skin was thicker than I thought. I couldn’t get in the vein in one swift, clean motion, but I wasn’t hesitating. I was pushing it with a lot of force, maybe not super efficiently, but I’ve never done this before. She reprimanded me for hesitating, taking too long, putting the horse through more pain than necessary. Like I did it on purpose. 

We had a patient this afternoon that I wasn’t even supposed to be the primary student for. The resident started her physical, and then the other student on the rotation and I each did one. When I gave the resident the discharge instructions, she freaked out on me because I didn’t get a temperature. I apologized, said I thought someone else had gotten it but I shouldn’t have assumed, I should have asked. Totally my bad. Won’t do that again, I’ll just always get the temp from now on (despite the times I’ve gone to take it and she stops me and tells me she already got it, and I’m making the horse suffer more if it keeps getting its temperature taken.) I said I was responsible for the error and I’d go back and take it if she wanted me to. And I know it’s important to get the temp on every patient. And for like ten minutes in the truck in front of everyone, she goes on to lecture me about why it’s important (I know), that I shouldn’t assume things (I know), that as the student I’m responsible for getting a temperature (I knew I had to do a PE and do the record, but she never told me that if the PE was incomplete, if get in trouble for it; for the record, she always just wants me to record her findings, not mine. Not an excuse, but trying to explain why I misunderstood, I guess.)

Anyway. Maybe other rotations are better, but every day this week I’ve come home and cried and I feel stupid and I’m learning some things, but mostly learning I maybe don’t want to be around horse people. On Monday night I had a panic attack just remembering I had to go back on Tuesday. I’m less panicked now, but still dreading every morning. 

I kind of hope the dean emails me and tells me I failed and I have to repeat 3rd year. 

[animalfurnace]

My cohort started clinics a month ago. My first rotation was didactic and then this past two weeks I had “off” because I had to remediate GI because I didn’t pass in the fall. And I don’t think I passed the remediation exam. I don’t know what happens if I blew my second chance. I’m supposed to start my first rotation on Monday, but if you fail a class and the remediation, you don’t get to move onto clinics. So I don’t know what I’m supposed to do?

[animalfurnace]

today when we were recovering our patient from anesthesia, sean asked me a question that i haven't been able to kick out of my mind.

"How much time do you spend in your memories?"

a lot.

i go through bouts of time travel, kind of.

a few nights a year, I spend a lot of time looking at this airbnb listing for a unit in the hellman building. the photographs feel the same as thsi one night in 2013. there's a safe kind of darkness in them with jewel-toned furnishings. but the waxed cement floor and the windows are the same, and i bet the air in there smells like coming in from the rain.

sometimes i sit on the patio of our house and wish i had a cigarette. i wish the yard had less mulch and more dust, that there was a pine tree and one of those rubberized metal picnic tables, that i could hear coyotes off in the distance, that there wasn't the constant noise of cars down the street, that i could drive up that dead end road and climb on top of boulders and look at the stars.

i can't stop thinking about lilly. it all happened so fast, even for hemangiosarcoma. i can't put away her water dish, but we don't fill it anymore. i can't wash the blankets we took outside and laid on that afternoon. for days, i got out of class and would just sit in my car and say her name and cry. oliver doesn't know what to do. he follows us extra closely now and leans on us as he falls asleep. but there's a spark that's missing - he loved her so, so much. he sleeps in her bed a lot of the time.

i look around at all of the things i've accumulated that fill this house. it's too much. we moved in to a place half the size as our last house nine months ago and we're still tripping over moving boxes. we only recently got a bed. and none of these objects really make me feel as peaceful as looking at this small collection of photos, as listening to crickets in the middle of the night, as holding oliver close to me.

[animalfurnace]

we moved into a smaller house closer to school. We’ve been here for two months and the space is still just stacks of boxes.

———

The house is giving me anxiety attacks. He says, “You might have to get rid of some stuff. Like a lot.”

“But…I got rid of so much before we moved.”

“You might have to get rid of more.”

“…what about you?”

———

He works from home. I’m on campus all day most days.

“If you’re so anxious, start unpacking.”

“Why can’t you unpack some stuff? Can you set up your office? Unpack those boxes?”

“Well, I don’t know where that’s going to go yet.”

“Can you unpack while I’m at school?”

“I don’t know where anything goes.”

“Me neither. We haven’t ever put anything away here.”

“Can you just do it? I’m not good at that kind of stuff. I put everything away in the wrong place. And I’m working during the day.”

I come home after my surgery at 6pm and he’s been playing PUBG all afternoon.

———

The space he told me could be my study space is now a junk pile for things. He says I have to find another space because he needs that for his office.

It was just a tiny room, almost a walk-in closet. I wanted a space that could be mine. I’m never alone anymore. He doesn’t leave the house. It’s really exhausting for me to constantly be around other humans, even him. I’m so mentally drained. I just want a couple of hours a week of true alone time.

He won’t let me have it.

I spend all my free time in the garden now. It’s the most alone I can get.

[animalfurnace]

i think i didn't pass the history/consult OSCE i took today. i looked in my evaluations afterward through the online system and i got marks off for not demonstrating enough empathy or connecting with my client to build rapport. which i'm so confused about because every time we have a client simulation/standardized pt lab, i've only ever gotten feedback that says the opposite. and i thought the OSCE went better than any other lab we'd done before.

so anyway. if it turns out i didn't pass, i have to retake it in the fall. i'm just frustrated because i didn't do anything different today, and i'm not sure what else i could have done. and how is a third party supposed to assess whether or not my client felt i was empathetic? and why is my score based on one person's interpretation of a conversation? i know it's supposed to be a standardized assessment, but unless all of the evaluators are grading everything and interpreting things the exact same way, it isn't actually standardized or fair.

[animalfurnace]

Tied to a wheel, my fingers got to feel Bleeding through a tourniquet smile I spin on a whim, I slide to the right I felt you like electric light For our love, for our fear For our rise against the years, and years, and years Deaf, dumb and thirty, starting to deserve this Leaning on my conscience wall Blood is like wine, unconscious all the time If I had it all again I'd change it all

Got a machinehead, it's better than the rest Green to red, machinehead

I walk from my machine

[animalfurnace]

Once foreign jargon now falls from your mouth like small apologies, each sterile phrase carefully manufactured...all part of your desperate attempt to stay clear of [the] inevitable.

Yet despite the enormous personal overhaul to realign ambitions with your current circumstances, all those unanswered questions still hang around you like allergens. On your weaker days—when you tell yourself you've had enough, that this wasn't supposed to be your life—the questions can accumulate and rupture like embolisms, reducing you to misguided fits of blinding anger, spells of immeasurable guilt, extended bouts of debilitating sadness. But you're one of the lucky ones.

The effortlessness with which [he] falls asleep each night has become somehow inexcusable to you. A couple hours later...rather than risk waking [him], having [him] ask what's wrong, you lie still and concentrate on your breathing.

The edited memories are enough to move you into a few disappointing half-dreams but not the restful sleep that's eluded you for months. When morning comes to the window you roll carefully from the bed, walk through your small apartment, and step outside... Why is it that you always seem to feel so right at this time of morning, before the day has had a chance to happen.

And this is how it will go: Some days you'll think that maybe this is actually all there is and maybe that's not so bad. And some days that will be enough to help you endure the certain disappointments and countless absurdities while tolerating an endless accumulation of questions that will forever go unanswered. And you'll move through the days and weeks and months ahead doing what's expected of you and trying not to dwell on what you can't control, and every now and then you'll look around and no matter how much the world has exceeded or failed your expectations you'll find yourself right where you are. Right where you put yourself. Here you are.

You'll remember [his] inexplicable optimism and willingness to sacrifice, [his] easy ability to trust you. You'll think of how comfortable [he] was with your flaws, how considerate [he] was about your past, how sensitive [he] was to your personal shortcomings. You'll begin to feel how much [he] must have truly loved you, to put up with so much of your shit. You'll wonder why you couldn't have been better for [him]. Why you couldn't be enough. You'll wonder why you can't do it all over again.

[animalfurnace]

We’re trying to move closer to school. Maybe that’s why I’m having a crisis.

I want to live in an open loft with a concrete floor and a fire escape. no track lighting. No carpet. 15’ tall ceilings with visible hvac and wiring. A loud, heavy front door.

I want to get rid of a lot of this stuff around me. I’m having a fight club kind of moment. So much stupid furniture. And none of it makes me really happy. It just stresses me out more. I want things that matter to me.

[animalfurnace]

sometimes i miss the last 6 weeks of being in la before going to idyllwild that first summer.

once in a while, i go back to jay's website and read his short stories.

last week, i went back, and the whole site was gone. everything. all of it.

i tried finding archives of the journals, the magazines, anything. everything was a link to a pdf that was hosted on his website.

and i've been gutted. it's like trying to go back to a really nice moment in your life, and it's gone. like someone threw out a photo album or a journal or something.

and i've been spiralling into wanting it back so bad. any of it. all of it. the all-nighters in the painting studio. going to jay's office hours to hide from sara. drinking before class. the 12 hour crit for sharon's class at contact. trying to catch jay coming out of the freshman writing class he taught. the night of the opening for the show at contact. feeling defeated because sara came for all of 15 minutes and then wouldn't stay because she would rather be with her friends. my heart jumping into my throat when jay came and stayed for hours. going to jay's office to turn in my final portfolio and him saying he'd send someone to pick me up if i didn't come to his cinco party. sara getting a last minute gig that weekend. drinking before getting on the train and then smoking cigarettes outside of jay's building before talking myself into going in. laughing in his kitchen, painting with other people in my class who came, smoking cigarettes with danica on the roof. doing shots of whatever and then sheepishly asking if i could crash on his couch because i didn't have a way to get home. talking quietly in his kitchen as other girls fell asleep on the couch, him asking, "you wanna come smoke with me?" and following. waking up to the brightest light. him telling me, "she sounds like all the shitty parts of dating a guy, and none of the nice parts of dating a girl," and finally understanding what that meant. him asking me to come see him again later that week. playing with his dog and him telling me, "she likes you". him driving me home and putting his arm around me in the car.

it's not even missing him. it's missing the way i felt. being in his apartment that one night, with my phone broken because i left it outside in the rain, and sara not knowing where i was, and not being able to find out. it was the first time i think i'd ever felt safe in my life.

so anyway.

chasing the dragon or something because the stories are gone. and then trying to find my hard drives, going through emails, going through folders, trying to find anything anywhere.

and i just found a folder on a hard drive named "jay e". i'm going to fucking cry.

[animalfurnace]

[animalfurnace]

nick and I went to the puscifer/a perfect circle/primus show in Berkeley last weekend. They opened with “The Package” and I started crying immediately because I felt so many feelings. Such a good show.

That music reminds me of a dark time in my life. But it also makes me feel less alone. It’s comforting and it’s something I understand. The way the words are put together shine a light on the feelings I’ve been trying to put words to. Things I that were always just a feeling, a surge of chemicals.

Bend around the wind Silently blown about Again I'm treading so soft and lightly Compromising my will, I am

—————

Looming, omnipresent This task ahead This task at hand Ominous and daunting Crippling undertaking, I'm frozen

Where to begin eludes me Without you to remind me

—————

Clever got me this far Then tricky got me in Eye on what I'm after I don't need another friend Smile and drop the cliché 'Til you think I'm listening Take just what I came for Then I'm out the door again

—————

it almost dares me to go back into that space. Lonely. Angry. Painful. But comfortable. Familiar. it makes me want a drink. a cigarette. Dark and cold and warm and turning my brain off.

I talked in group this week about still not knowing what I’m doing here. About missing being able to go home and turn my brain off. I didn’t talk about my ex. she made me want to be dead. I was so afraid of her. I thought she might snap and start throwing things at me someday. but I didn’t have to think for myself. She told me when to eat. When to sleep. Come here, do this. but she didn’t deserve my obedience. since I left, I’ve gotten tattoos, haircuts, dogs, jobs, piercings. I couldn’t do any of that before. I’m lucky now. she once told me that it was good I didn’t have any ambition, because I was to simple to pursue anything. sometimes I think she was right. But no.

when I take my meds and give my brain a chance, I feel like things can be simple enough for me to understand them. My mind catches up to everything else. but sometimes it gets too late at night and I listen to too much deftones and I sit here pulling my hair out until I have a pile on the table next to me and a big empty space where my hair is thinning. I get scared of what I’m doing to myself. a few weeks ago we got our surgical practice kits. A box full of scalpel blades and suture.

Tomorrow we have a skin reconstruction lab.

I should be watching the abdominal exploratory surgery demo video for lab, but I’m sitting here, pulling my hair out instead. Oops

[animalfurnace]

Pretty sure I’ve always had trichotillomania to a mild degree but boy howdy, vet school is making it so much worse and I can’t stooooop

[animalfurnace]

oh, we got married. it was cute. :3

[animalfurnace]

sad about dumb lil things, like not getting even one pic of just me and my bestie while she was was visiting because she refused to put her toddler down for one second.

[animalfurnace]

last week BIL: do you guys want me to mail ya'll the blankets you left here at mom's house us: yeah sure if it's not a problem

this week *6 large boxes from fedex arrive full of things that BIL told us he was going to put into storage*