annesdiary - Tumblr blog

[annesdiary]

10 March 2024

Okay so a bit of an update for myself. for my own sake. It's going to be long af.

Future me, if you're rereading this, bring a cup of tea. Well, actually popcorn.

I think I may just talk a bit about each person who is close to me.

B got together with her crush, the guy seems to be a sweetheart.

A forgot my birthday.

E too. I told her, she apologized. Shortly after that she hung up the phone.

I thought I needed closure from E too. And I called her to talk to her.

(Idk if you know this; I'm a smart woman, I'm quite familiar with literary theory, victorian literature etc. that's what I read in my free time, that's my field of speciality). I mentioned my research about Sherlock Holmes. It's late, I'm tired and I don't really want to get into the details.

Me: I'm doing this research about Sherlock Holmes and literary stuff.... E: what literary stuff? you need to be more specific, you can't build a research on "literary stuff".

Me after I patiently explained some stuff that I presume she didn't understand: And than I have to do a poster about it. E: you know who you should talk to? *a student she had's name* Me: why would I talk to her? E: she can draw. you can't just slap text on a poster and call it a day. Me: I spent hours going through last years winners to see what I have to do, those contained predominantly text and small-ish, simple illustrations E: *going on and on about stuff she doesn't know because she hasn't been a part of academic life in decades* Me: *finally giving up* You're right.

I called her as a friend. Just because I told her "Sherlock Holmes and literary stuff" she assumes that that's all I have in my head. Meanwhile I'm reading academic papers published by people from the most prestigious universities in my second language in my free time. She last learnt literature (very basic stuff!) when she went to uni. She learnt English literature as part of her ESL programme. At least 25-30 years ago. English was NOT her major, English literature for her was ONE course. . Literature is my major, it's one of my hobbies, I am (by university thing's standards) kind of an expert in it. How dare she look down on me, seriously. In regards to my field of study.

I'm fine. :)

E was tagged in a post, making god-knows-what with woman, one of her friends. (And other ladies.) I never heard anything good about that lady. E only ever talked shit about that woman. E wanted to cut this lady out of her life several times.

Now this lady posted several pictures with E, doing some painting activity.

Thinking of the quote, I don’t know who said it: If I’m a lot, then go find less.

I talked to T a few weeks ago, he was going somewhere by train and we texted, he was telling me kind of nsfw jokes and I kind of enjoyed that. A few hours later, he shut it down, telling me he thinks he went to far.

K is sweet as ever. We talked a few weeks ago, well, she asked for my advice about some girls who went to our class in high school. I didn't keep in touch with them, she did. And it felt so good because she told me how heathy she thinks out friendship is. And how I understand when she doesn't have time to meet up but I know she's always here for me.

And now for the absolute best part: N told me she'd like me to participate in a thing. I have to do research and then put everything I've found on a poster. She helped me with that and she is the absolute best.

I'm so happy I met her and she was kind of my way into academia. It was my first time writing an abstract and she was so kind and patient with me. (I think considering it's my first time, I actually did great, I did the thing with one correction. After I corrected the mistakes she found, for the 2nd time she said it was a great start.)

I'm so grateful for her and I feel like this attachment is the healthiest I am capable of. Like I know she corrects me because she wants me to be better. I know she's a great communicator and she'll let me know if I'm too much/annoy her/crossed a boundary of hers.

In her last e-mail she said "Okay, it's a great start, send it to *a prof's name* if he accepts it, great. But if not, there will be other people who accept it."

Which is so reassuring both emotionally and academically.

[annesdiary]

29 Jan 2024

I met up with K in the morning and we had a long 2-3 hour long conversation, just catching up in general. But she also said little things that were so sweet and so reassuring.

A few days ago, T asked us to decide who we want to be in a cabin with on the Scotland trip. I asked if I can be with him... Today he messaged me saying I can't because his students would start rumours about us.. which hurt for some reason.

But B said she'd have done the same so I don't feel as stupid.

Still waiting for my new phone to be delievered.

[annesdiary]

28 Jan 2024

We watched Miller's girl with B. I have mixed feelings about the movie but spending time with B was great!!

I also gave her a T-shirt I bought for her and she liked it!!

[annesdiary]

18 January 2024

Big update. Long time no see. Happy New Year!!

So, in order:

Everything's great with K. We're going on a trip to visit a lego factory. K and her partner's dormitory organized it.

Things are not so great with E. Her son's wife is pregnant. Well actually she probably has given birth? Her due date was 11 January, E's birthday. So things are changing, we are getting more and more distant.

A and I are getting closer gradually.

We are going to a musical with B. The musical is based on out favorite poet. And also we're planning on watching Miller's girl in the movies!! I'm so excited for that too.

The biggest update has to do with N. 28 Nov she mentioned during lecture that she's taking another group to an exhibition, she told us we're welcome to join. I did, it was amazing.

Until this week nothing exciting happened with her On 15 Jan, I sent her an e-mail asking to talk to her before or after the exam. She replied saying yes. On 16 Jan, I took the exam and we talked a little more than an hour. We mostly talked about university stuff but it was amazing, she's such a good listener. She told me to write a list about my interest, to send her what classes I'll take next term, to look up some exchange student programs. When saying goodbye, I asked her if we can have a coffee if I want to talk to her. She said we can have more than one (two, five and even ten coffees) if I want to.

During the last lecture, she told us that a 3 is an honest grade (you kind of know the material), a 4 is good and a 5 is exceptional. So I decided that I want a 5 to show her that I'm exceptional. Today I got an e-mail. I got a 5!!! (After the exam she mentioned that she's aware it's a hard class.)

She praised me for talking to her, thanked me for my trust and told me talking to her was the hardest part, she'll help me from now on. It was just so lovely to talk to her, to have an adult conversation with her. She told me she'd love it if I took another class of hers.

In March, I'm going on a trip to Scotland with T!! I'm so excited about it!!!

[annesdiary]

14 November 2023

Last week, on Friday we were going to meet up with K. She had some things to do, she was late etc. so we just talked in their dorm. (K and her fiancé's dorm room.)

And believe me, I'm so glad for her.

And it was so nice and messy in the best way. Like just legos and interesting engineering drawing and stuff everywhere. And keyboards and everything.

But it made me feel so fucking lost. Like her life is going somewhere and I'm just stuck. Stuck in my single life because I'm afraid of commitment and also in my miserable life.

Also her fiancé was so nice, he kept calling me darling and offering to help me if I buy something big at IKEA.

K said she's going back to our highschool to visit and she asked if I'll come with her. So I'm guessing I'm visiting too, on the 15 Dec.

I texted BD about me drowning in secrets kept from my mom and she was nice.

We texted with T a few weeks ago and he said he's going to Scotland (as a guide) and that I could come with him. (I'd have to pay ofc.) But I feel bad about not being so fucking excited about it (at least rn). Like I know I'll love it when I'm there but rn I'm just meh.

N is sick again so we didn't have our lecture in the morning... I know this shouldn't affect me this much but this just ruined this week for me.

I think my friendship with A is forever ruined. I liked her sm in the beginning and I'm just so repulsed by her. Everything she does annoys me so much. The way she talks, the way she behaves, she way she dresses. She acts like a teenager and I've had enough of this. I talked to E about this and we didn't get anywhere with this. But later I realised that maybe I kept A around because I liked the attention she gave me and that she listened to me because my mom never did. And it annoyed me so so so much because it always comes back to my mom.

I talked to E over the phone. There are times when the feeling of her (very) motherly love hits me. It was one of those times. Like she accepts me as part of herself and wants nothing but the best for me.

[annesdiary]

24 Oct 2023

Idk why but I’m starting to dislike A? She acts like a teenager all the time, doesn’t take our friendship very seriously and her behaviour is veeery inconsistent. She likes my humour so much and laughes at nearly everything I say but like? She’s so boring? And sure, she boosts my ego sm but she’s boring? Idk why it took a whole year for me to realize honestly…

When Sex Education S4 came out we met up and talked about it and she just listened to my opinion? And she didn’t have any ideas about it? None at all?

I dreamt about E. I'm going to be a teacher so I'm learning about exercises and games I can do with students. I dreamt that E came in to substitute (in uni!!) and we had to form two circles, the people in one of the cirlces had to close their eyes, the other circles people found a person from the other circle, so everyone had a pair and the people with closed eyes had to guess who their partner was with closed eyes only by touching.

And I dreamt that E was my partner and I had to guess it was her just by touching. she kind of bet on me that I'd figure it out in under 30 sec. I touched here hand, felt the ring *I* gave her and smiled, pulled her closer, hugged her and whispered something but I don't remember what.

Our class with N would have started at 10.15, she e-mailed us saying that she's sick and the class is cancelled at 9.11.... Obviously, I didn't notice it...

I have been thinking about how well I know E. like? I know her parents' name even though they passed before we met? I've met her ex-husband? her children? I know which side of the bed she sleeps on? she's taken a nap while watching TV beside me? i know her fave flower? we've had drinks together? I've slept at hers? I've paid with her card? like that's so crazy!! and here I am again, going crazy over another woman, N and I don't even know anything about her. like anything. I don't even know where she lives, not even the part of city, let alone having been at hers.

We met up with A and we talked and the feeling I mentioned above is getting stronger. :(

[annesdiary]

5 Oct 2023

Okay, I slept like shit. I'm nervous because I have to give a presentation with a dude I dislike a lot.

[annesdiary]

4 Oct 2023

I met the biggest bully at uni and I have to make a presentation with him... sighhh.

I have been having some intrusive thoughts about having to "break up" with E which are messing with my head so badly.

The class I had with N was.. ehh? Nothing happened basically. And I want to talk to her so badly but I don't think she wants to talk to me so badly...

To sum up, I am royally fucked.

[annesdiary]

19 Sept 2023

I hate one of my classes.

E said that she misses me over the phone.

[annesdiary]

12 Sept 2023

I haven't been sleeping well and my tummy has been hurting for a few days. I woke up at around 7 and now I have to lay here for an hour at least because my first class only starts at 10. I woke up at least 3-4 times and each time I had so much trouble falling back asleep. I have been cold af for a few days and it's not even that cold here yet so I think I have been having a fever on and off for a while.

And I'm kind of nervous about seeing N again.

[annesdiary]

10 Sept 2023

I'll have a class this semester with N!! I'm so happy about it, it'll be on Tuesdays, starting on 12 Sept.

Yesterday I sent E something I wrote and she said it was "language-wise brilliant, thought-wise a bit worrying". And that made me so happy because that's what I wanted to achieve. The language-wise part was like aww. Like she must be so proud of me.

I saw a tiktok post about what to include in your diary, I want to write about those things someday. And also I want to write a post on here every day the next semester.

[annesdiary]

2 Sept 2023

Quite spontaneously, we met up with E and it was amazing. She cut my hair (super cute, with the combing my hair and everything) , I complimented her a few times. I just love this woman so much, I could cry. It's so adorable when she asks my opinion about dresses. Like she values my opinion so much, I'm so honoured!! Then I get to gush about her in general and she not only takes it but enjoys it? Dream come true.

What I've been thinking about is how cute she is when she hugs me. She always initiates our goodbye hugs and always wraps her arms around my neck so I have her whole back to pet and embrace and how she ALWAYS does it this way.

We talked about teacher-y things and she's so excited about my uni related things (and in general she's interested in anything I say which melts my heart). I told her I have the 1/5 part of my degree already and she was so proud. Proud mama moment for sure. She watched me go from 14 to 20?? I was a child? And now I'm an adult? And she saw it all? And she not only loves me but full-on adores me? I'm the luckiest ever to have her in my chosen family.

I'm getting really frustrated and tired of the sexism in our household. Normally my mom cooks, but then once in a week or so I have to do that but my dad never does? And then they criticize my cooking? And now I hate cooking at home and I'd rather starve? Then my dad makes fun of my for things when he can't do anything alone? Like I just want to escape this shithole situation.

[annesdiary]

1 Sept 2023

I just feel like shit. I miss my old school, I haven't been sleeping well in the last couple of days, I miss E and I struggle a bit about my friendship with K. It's been the same. I miss her, I cry about her, I feel like out friendship is ending, a few day later we talk and I feel some sort of relief that she still cares about me but it's not enough to actually calm my anxiety down and rid me of the bad thought and overthinking about this whole situation.

It's one of those nights, it's currently 4.00 in the morning and I still can't fall asleep so I decided writing down everything that crosses my mind would maybe probably help? POrbably not?

I talked to E a few days ago and she was sweet as always but it made me miss her even more. Sometimes I just get so frustrated with her that she is always busy and doesn't have time for me and I can't really handle my frustration and I am mean with her. And this time I definitely wasn't mean to her but gawd do I miss her. I just think about the fact that she'll wake up, go to work and I'm not there? Like does she miss me? Does she think of me? Does she miss me *as much as I miss her*?

The last couple of nights the only way I could fall asleep was if I imagine laying next to E and her little dog, imagining the noises that are there, imagining the breathing pattern and then maybe I can fall asleep in under a n hour. I know, that isn't the best either, one hour but it's good for me. Plus that fantasy brings me so much peace. We normally don't sleep beside each other but I want to so badly. In the past few years I haven't slept in the same bed as anybody, I miss that feeling so much.

E is generally a very lady-like lady, very classy and all that. Imagine the late queen but with ridiculous amounts of floral patterned dresses. Now, that's E. And her favorite flowers are freesias so I'm thinking about getting a freesia tattoo on the back of my arm. I know that E is completely aware of how much I love her/ how attached I am to her but I'm afraid that there's a veeeeery minuscule chance that she'd feel awkward because of I got a tattoo kind of for her? I mean it's just a flower and nobody apart from her would actually know that it's for her, so maybe she wouldn't mind? Once she mentioned how one of her colleagues has her (the colleague) daughter's name on her ankle (tattooed) and she kind of made fun of it. But also I know that she's quite

I miss my old school so much; the people in it. I miss my old life; with E, K and KK so much. My ex-formteacher said that I can always visit but I don't want to seem too attached or something. The last time I visited was in January I think. So that was pretty recent, I guess. And KK? It's just... I'd finally graduated, he's not my teacher anymore, we could have "adult" conversations and I still feel like he isn't intrested in what I have to say. And I have this HUGE admiration for him which doesn't seem to go away? Ever? So it may actually be better that we aren't having casual conversations so that he can remain on this pedestal for me. And I can forever think of him as this amazing guy.

A few years back we (me, my class, him and some other teachers) went to see a play. After the play we were waiting for the bus, it was cold and dark. He was standing there and I wanted to talk to him so badly, tell him my thoughts and I couldn’t. I would have done anything to tell him my opinion. But it didn’t happen and that picture stuck in my mind forever. My classmates, seemingly talking about some stupid shit, me looking at him, wanting to go up to you and talk  to him so badly and him catching my eyes, when lighting his cigarette.

I still haven't heard back from T's boss which makes me so anxious because I was so fucking excited when the opportunity popped up and then nothing happened? I'm thinking about resending that email in case that got lost? But T also said that his boss is just busy?

I feel like if I wrote down every single thought that is bothering me, I wouldn't sleep? Like at all?

I saw a post that was like "you know that thought that scares the living shit out of you? write about that".

I also just know found out about Benedict Cumberbatch studying autistic individuals before playing Frankenstein's monster? Which is something... Honestly, every time I grow to like a celebrity, they fuck up.

It's 4:29 now, still can't sleep. Even with the E fantasy, it doesn't help.

[annesdiary]

19 Aug 2023

I got two amazing skirts. One of full black, the other one is checkered.

[annesdiary]

17 Aug 2023

We met up with A and talked about things, caught up. We agreed that on the last week of the next term we'd go in fancy dresses and ball gowns to uni.

We sat up to a bridge's pillar (hit my shin reeeally hard auch) and talked but then a guy asked us to move it.... :( But we had a lovely chat and that felt really good for my little heart.

But in the end, if I look at it: you're either someone's daughter or not. And I'll never be.

I sometimes catch myself wondering what it must have been like for E's daughter to grow up with her. Being jealous of her. Like I know that E loves me, but I can't just hug or cuddle her without a reason like a daughter would her mom. And it breaks my heart because I want to do all those things!! I just start thinking about it, the picture of her laying in her bed, watching telly, her daughter coming up to her and silently laying next to her then laying closer to her, cuddling her gets into my mind and I catch myself tearing up.

She's her daughter. I'm like her daughter.

I have been thinking about it long enough that I gaslit myself into thinking the second sentence is better because of.... just like.... being chosen.

And I can try to look at it that way: what matters is that I fantasize about it because I love her so deeply and that's what matters. But not only her, but no one ever will know and realize how much I love her and how much devotion and loyalty I have for her.

But also, it may be a good thing, idk.

[annesdiary]

Aug 15 2023

One of my exteacher's husband died, somebody forwarded the post to our class's groupchat. I asked our fromteacher to "forward" our condolences and he sent a very mean message starting with "dear adults" like wtf. And he finished off with I'm sorry if someone gets offended. That's life. FUCK YOURSELF.

[annesdiary]

9 Aug 2023

I thought my relationship with E was done changing but it's not? It's getting more and more healthy, maybe more independent and not that leech-y.