annieintheaair

[annieintheaair]

You know my secrets, my demons, and I know your weaknesses, all of your doubts and your dreams. I'll battle this out all night 'til we fix it. If the ship's goin' down, I'm goin' down with it.

Well, we ended up doing all three flights on Friday. It was a long day. When we landed back in DFW from Nashville, we had a few hours on the ground, so I ran out to my car to drop off most of my bags so I wouldn't have to carry everything for the rest of the day. It felt good to lighten my load.

Our final flight of the day was a real treat since it was so empty that we were able to run the drinks instead of pulling the cart up the aisle.

Unfortunately, it was late when we finished the trip, so I couldn't pick up my dogs until Saturday morning. I ended up pouring myself some wine and falling asleep watching TV with my cat, Cora. Eventually, I dragged myself upstairs to bed and slept kind of late. I had wanted to go to a yoga/sound bath thing at World Springs early in the morning, but I was relieved that I didn't commit to it since I probably wouldn't have been able to get myself out of bed that early.

I picked up the dogs before 10am and stopped at Dutch Bros to get a Rebel energy drink to help me wake up. Facebook events reminded me that there was something I wanted to attend in Grapevine, so I sent it to my friend Cat to see if she wanted to go. I ended up meeting up with her, her daughter, and her daughter's friend. We walked around the little market and then walked to town to get lunch and coffee at a cute French place.

It was around 5pm when I finally got home and then decided to go to the pool. Jess was on her way to come meet me, but the plan fell through, so I enjoyed time to myself, drinking an Aperol Spritz, at the pool. I wasn't even hungry for dinner, so I went to bed kind of early in preparation for Sunday.

Sunday morning, I got up and headed to Dacia and Abel's house. I miss having them in my neighborhood, but their new house is really nice. We went to Urban Crust for brunch and made a quick loop around the summer market in town. It was a sort of late birthday celebration, which was nice. Jess even gave me a really pretty bracelet.

Since it was so hot, we all jumped in the pool when we got back to their house. The temperature was perfect. I knew I couldn't stay as long, so I slowed down on drinking, but everyone else was drinking a ton. I had told Cassie ahead of time that if she came, I didn't want her to talk about Todd, and while she agreed, it all went out the window once she was drunk. She started telling me that he's already seeing someone new, and then tried to backpeddle, saying that he said someone was hitting on him. None of it really upset me, other than her claiming that he told her a completely different story of what had happened between us. She tried to say that I'm the best girlfriend that he had ever had, and that he told her he wanted to marry me. I guess I felt a little bit bad about that because if it's actually true, then we were never on the same page. Todd is the one person I've ever dated whom I knew I would never marry. Cassie kept insisting that she didn't understand what happened for us to break up because she claimed he loved me. I may not know completely what love is, but I do know what love isn't. Todd didn't love me because if he did, he wouldn't have been able to walk away so easily, especially without even a conversation. Love stays, even when it's hard.

Anyway, Jess grabbed me to get out of the pool, so I ran into the house with her, and everyone agreed that Cassie had brought up Todd and him seeing someone else already to try to upset me. Three weeks since breaking up is way too soon to start a new relationship, and proves that he can't be alone. If you're ready to jump into a new relationship that fast, then trust me, it was definitely not love.

I changed my clothes quickly and said goodbye, and headed home to feed the dogs and cat dinner before heading out again.

Jillian and I met up around 6:30pm to have dinner at Mexican Sugar. Mexican Sugar has always been special to us because it's where we met and became friends, over four years ago now. We had a good dinner and then walked over to the comedy place to see Anthony Robustiano. He's one of my absolute favorite comedians right now, and his content is relatable. I've been following him on Instagram, and his show in person was even better.

By the time I got home, showered, and crawled into bed, it was around 11pm. Cassie texted me to tell me that the guy, Chris, that she brought with her, drank too much and couldn't drive her home. She ended up getting an Uber to take her home. I eventually had to stop replying to her texts and responded this morning. I reminded her that what she was dealing with last night, the way that Chris couldn't drive her home, and she had to Uber home... all of it, was literally what happened with me and Todd the night things went sour. I told her that I hope she understands the situation more now since she went through the same thing. I know that the story I've told everyone is the truth of how it played out that night and that weekend, and it's crappy knowing that he's telling a fictional recount of the night. I can't even imagine what he's been saying, obviously trying to make me the villain in his story.

Unfortunately, I had to be up early this morning for a meeting for my side job. It was painful dragging myself out of bed so early. I was already up and ready, so I got a lot of work done, and now I'm on call for work until 10pm. I really hope I don't get a trip tonight and can get an ODAN tomorrow so that I'm off Wednesday to go to a food and wine pairing with my friend, Sheree, whom I haven't seen in a while. I'm also hoping to go to see one of my favorite bands play on Thursday night.

I'm in the home stretch right now, with only four days (including today) left for my reserve month. Next month is going to be busy since I'm working more to survive. I had really been looking forward to having someone to split the rent/bills with. Todd kept saying I'd be able to fly less and be home more since our rent each was going to be so cheap. I think that's the most disappointing part of this whole breakup-- now I'm going back to flying 5 nights per week.

When we broke up, I wasn't sure how I'd survive this month, but I've had a great support circle that has helped me manage with Ellie, Kirby, and Cora. I've been fortunate to work with nice people, too, even when doing multi-day trips that I didn't want, and somehow I'm surviving.

Praying for an easy last week of reserve!

xoxo

Annie

[annieintheaair]

Already cried my tears, baby, they're all dry. No more left to go. Next few years, be the time of my life, but you won't get to know.

I'm definitely not cut out for 3-day trips anymore. This is my first 3-day in years, and the delays with every flight have made it rough. I want to be home so bad.

When we finally landed in San Diego on Wednesday night, one of the other flight attendants insisted on buying me birthday drinks, so we went down to the hotel bar and had a few glasses of wine.

Before heading to bed that night, I headed up a burrito in my Ninja Crispi. It's a small air fryer, and I would definitely be taking it on all of my work trips if I were doing multi-day trips. It has been a lifesaver over having to go search for a microwave.

Hot breakfasts in my hotel rooms have been wonderful, too. In the morning, I heated up a breakfast burrito and sat on my balcony, overlooking the water, while I got some work done for my other job. I had been up super early because of the time change, and as usual, I wasn't feeling well.

Our flight out of San Diego got delayed, but we didn't know ahead of time, so we went to the airport, and we were even more delayed taking off. It felt like the longest wait since they only had one runway for both takeoffs and landings.

When we finally landed in Dallas, our flight to Nashville got super delayed, so we ended up with over four hours between flights. We called the hotel/limo desk and asked for day rooms, so we walked over to the hotel, where I was able to get some work done and take a nap for about an hour.

I was so tired even after my nap that I had to drink an Alani during boarding. I'm the number three flight attendant on this trip, so I have the jumpseat where I actually have to sit next to the passengers. Three is one of my least favorite positions, and I really hate the jumpseat. However, I was very fortunate to sit next to good people on my flight to Nashville. I sat next to a guy named Robert, who looked like Bradley Cooper. We chatted, and he showed me pictures of horses from his job. He works for a pharmaceutical company that makes drugs for horses. He was nice to talk to and also funny. I was kind of hoping we'd swap numbers, but that didn't happen. He lives an hour and 45 minutes away from Nashville, closer to Chattanooga, so it probably wouldn't have made sense anyway. Although disappointing, I realized that as much as I didn't want to work that flight or this trip in general, God put me there, not only to lift the spirits of all of the passengers, but to remind me that there are good people out there, and better guys than Todd, who can actually make me laugh. Oh, and while we talked about our dogs, Robert told me that a dog has never broken his heart. Maybe we didn't swap numbers because maybe he's going through the same thing right now.

When I finally got to my hotel for the night, I took a shower and crawled into bed with a salad, some wine, and got some work done for my other job. I turned on Friends until I finished my wine and then went to sleep. Of course, I woke up earlier than planned this morning, but I managed to get more work done, heat and eat my breakfast, and then take some time to write here.

Today is going to be a long day since we have to fly back to DFW, and then we sit for a few hours before going to Louisville and back. I keep wishing we'd lose the Louisville legs so we could go home this afternoon instead of working until 10pm. Since I'm getting back so late tonight, I can't even pick up my dogs until tomorrow.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to this weekend and spending time with friends. Dacia asked me about doing brunch, and Jillian is coming with me on Sunday night to see one of my favorite comedians. The only bummer is that I'm only off Saturday and Sunday this week before going back onto reserve Monday through Thursday, which is my last reserve block for the month.

I ended up getting a good schedule for July. I got all fab five trips except for one. I'm off for the 4th (no idea what to do yet) and off every weekend, but I might end up picking up more trips to make more money so I can manage. I'm nervous about my second job ending soon-ish (date to be determined), and part of me doesn't want to go back to my night schedule because I love sleeping in my own bed, but I'm looking forward to flying with my friends again.

Anyway, time for me to get ready. Praying this day goes smoothly and praying even more that somehow we don't have to go to Louisville and back.

xoxo

Annie

[annieintheaair]

36

This month has felt like someone hit fast forward and never bothered to take their hand off the remote. One minute it was June 1st, and the next, it was my birthday.

In an effort to not be completely alone for my birthday, I decided to go visit my family in New Jersey. Nothing went as planned, of course.

Friday, I was up super early and only slept about two hours before getting ready to leave my house. I dropped the dogs off at their sitter the night before, so it was just me and Cora. I went to bed later than planned but somehow got ready on time.

I finally left my house, a little later than I wanted to, and had to turn around and go back home as soon as I got to the traffic light before getting on the highway. I was so sick. There was no way I was going to be able to make the 5:15am flight to Philly. I laid on the couch with Cora and tried to take a nap, hoping I'd feel better and catch a 7am flight to Newark, but of course, when I got to the 7am flight, the agent skipped over me and there I was, back at square one, trying to figure out what to do next. I was way too tired to take a jumpseat.

It felt like 2015 all over again when I got on a flight to Columbus, Ohio. I decided I'd fly there and then connect to Philly. Thankfully, I got the last seat on the plane and made it to Philly. Of course, it couldn't go smoothly from there, so I missed the bus in Philly because they closed the door 15 minutes early (I was literally in tears). The rest of the buses for the day looked awful, so my mom decided to drive to Philly to pick me up. While I waited, I sat at a bar and had a few drinks, and got chicken strips and fries.

My mom and I stopped at Wawa on the way home, and I grabbed an energy drink to wake up. When we finally made it to my parents' house, my mom and I decided to go to a seafood place for dinner. We had appetizers and wine, which was good.

Saturday the weather was crappy. It literally rained during my entire visit. We took a trip down the shore to visit Betty and Art, played some games, ate pizza, and once the rain calmed down a bit, my mom and I went over to the boardwalk to walk along the beach, browse some stores, and then had bruchetta and wine at a restaurant overlooking the ocean. In a way, it's hard for me to look at the Jersey Shore because it just reminds me that Dan died there. The ocean took him away from me. It's hard to love something so much when you also know that it has caused you so much pain.

On the way home, we stopped for ice cream. I was in a mint chocolate chip sort of mood.

On Sunday, I went to the mall with my parents, and then we went to Kohl's and Marshall's. I found Aperol spritz sheets for my bed, which, of course, I had to buy. I also found the most beautiful pajamas ever, so my mom bought them for me. By the evening, we went to dinner at the lake with my brother and his family. We didn't get to go to the restaurant where I had made reservations because they didn't have the regular menu, and it was a crazy expensive buffet instead.

My mom and I were supposed to drive to Maryland after dinner to visit my sister, but we ended up canceling that plan since my sister wasn't feeling well. Instead, we stayed home, and on Monday, I tagged along with my mom to the dentist, and then we did some shopping for dinner and grabbed coffee. I also picked up a poke bowl.

After dinner, my parents sang Happy Birthday to me, and we ate some of the fruit tart that I had picked out. I ended up staying up late with my mom and only slept a few hours before heading to the airport early Tuesday morning.

It was the only flight with seats for the whole day, so at 5:30am, I was flying back to Texas. I was home by 8:30am and picked up my dogs around 9:30am.

I made it to yoga at noon and had a pretty dull day until going to check out this new restaurant, Flamant, for happy hour. I made new friends with the bartenders and waitstaff, and they had an amazing burger. It wasn't the birthday I had anticipated, but it was decent.

36 hit me like a ton of bricks this morning, and I found myself crying on my way to yoga, since I found out that I was assigned a 3-day trip for tonight. I did some shopping at Trader Joe's so I'd have food for the rest of the week and got a Ninja Crispi so I could cook it in my hotel room. I also packed my Meta Quest VR headset for more entertainment while I'm away.

36 is more difficult to accept than any other age so far. I just feel like I'm not where I should be right now, and life feels so lonely. I know I have good friends and family, and lots of people care about me, but I'm really struggling right now.

Well, almost time to board, so I have to go.

xoxo

Annie

[annieintheaair]

I bet you're thinkin' I'm the problem, that leaving me behind would solve 'em, and I know all your deadbeat friends, all raise a glass in your defense.

It's very rare for me to be home on a Thursday evening. Since I had the time today, I skipped my normal 4pm yoga class and attended the Trifecta yoga class at 7pm instead. It's an hour and a half long class that includes some deep stretching, Yoga Nidra, and ends with a sound bath.

Last time I was able to go to that class, I did doze off at one point and felt so good when I woke up and left at the end of class. Today was different, though. Joshua described a place with a waterfall and a large clearing, and as I lay there, picturing this magical place, all I could think about was how words, when put together nicely, can be so beautiful.

Writing has always been my thing. I wrote in journals as a kid and eventually switched to blogs as I got older. The thing is, the wrong words can be used to hurt people, but the right words can change everything. And no words at all can sometimes be the worst of all.

I always used to have something to say. I had such a hard time letting go. When I was talking to my mom the other day about everything that happened, for some reason, I didn't feel as horrible as anyone would expect me to feel. I told my mom that since Dan died, nothing will ever hurt me quite as bad. It has been almost three years without him, and I still cry about it sometimes. My Wednesday yoga instructor, Holly, said one time that her dad told her after her grandparents died that they wouldn't be able to see her from Heaven if she wasn't happy. I try to be happy, and I try to accept the reality of Dan being gone, but it's so hard to just go on, living your life, knowing that there's not even a tiny 1% chance of seeing that person again here on Earth.

I went to see the movie Materialists today, and I was hoping that watching a rom-com would restore me, somehow, to believe in love again. Instead, it made me kind of sad when the main character ended up back with her original love. Not that he didn't seem like a great guy, but part of me just wanted her to move forward with the new guy so I could have that hope, too. In the movie, they talked about why they wanted to be with certain people. They said that it was because that person made them feel valuable. Maybe that's why I loved Dan so much.

In college, Dan needed me a lot. If he was out drinking, he would call me to come pick him up, and even in the middle of the night, I'd get in my car in my pajamas, and pick him up. We didn't have Uber back then, and taxis weren't really a thing in Providence, so I was the taxi/Uber for a lot of my friends.

Dan and I definitely had our fights and more breakups than I can count. Taylor Swift was my girl back in the day when I'd blast her songs to make me feel better. Dan always managed to leave something at my place-- whether it was a hat or a Godfather DVD, and he'd have to come pick it up after our breakup. I always made these special cookies, and I swear by them because we got back together every time. Dan was the one person who never gave up on me, or on us.

Someone who loves you shouldn't be able to walk away so easily. They shouldn't cut you off and leave you in the dark trying to figure out what really happened. Unless I'm missing something, Todd literally ended our relationship because I didn't want him driving us home after drinking. There was no conversation or any actual fight, just his mom yelling at me and chasing me down the street, trying to get Todd to drive me home, when I knew that it was a poor choice for both of us to get in his car after drinking. That's what's so hard about this breakup-- it feels like he didn't love me at all and was looking for excuses to leave. Why would someone agree to move in together and a few hours later decide they hate you?

This breakup literally makes no sense to me, especially since he told Cassie that I was having "an episode," like I'm some sort of crazy person. It's like he forgot that he told me his mom was bipolar before I even met her, and if you want to talk about "having an episode," then that's exactly what was happening to his mom that night, not me. I was the most sober person there that night, and my mom was on the phone with me.

Anyway, I'm hoping to catch a flight early tomorrow morning to go visit my family for the weekend, and for Father's Day, and my birthday. Before I went to yoga tonight, I dropped off the dogs at their sitter, so now it's just me and Cora for the first time ever. Last time the dogs went to their sitter, Todd and I were home with Cora before we left for our cruise. It's nice always having her around.

Well, I'll be lucky if I get three hours of sleep tonight, so I better head to bed.

xoxo

Annie

[annieintheaair]

I turn rain into rainbows, turn pain into potential, you walk away, but I'm the quitter.

I never stopped the Zillow alert emails because I was always curious if something great would pop up. Then, yesterday, I saw the perfect house. No carpet, three-car garage, and a location that would have been great for both of us. Four beds, two baths-- plenty of space, and in a community with a pool.

The hardest thing about breakups is letting go of the future that you thought would exist. It's saying goodbye to the plans that were in place and how hard you were working to reach all of those goals.

I remember when Dan died, I had a really hard time trying to erase all of the expectations I had. Over the years, things changed a lot, so I had to let go of the plans one by one until he died, and then I had to let go of all of them. If you asked me in college what my life would look like now, it would have been totally different. After I moved to Texas in March 2015, I celebrated my 26th birthday that June. I don't know why, but I always thought Dan and I would get married at 26. Something about it just made sense. By 30, we probably would have had two kids, and at one point I wanted to move to California, but then another point thought Massachusetts would be better. We would be celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary this August, if things had gone as I had planned in my head.

When I celebrated my 26th birthday, super single, trying to adapt to living in a totally new state and working a new job, I accepted the reality that my life wasn't what I thought it would be when I was in college. When my 30s arrived and Dan was still trying to win me back, I told him I wasn't sure that I wanted to have kids anymore, and at that point, he began to accept the new reality that if he wanted to be with me, it would just be us. Maybe, in the end, he had realized that the picture he had painted of our future was so far off from the path we were going down and maybe that's why he didn't make it -- he felt like staying alive meant that he would have to live a new reality, far from what we had originally hoped.

I have a collection of seeds on the kitchen counter, and I was wondering earlier today, do I still buy a raised planter and plant them? Do I try to watch something grow in the midst of all of this?

Cora's nails need to be trimmed, and I keep wondering how I'm going to hold her in a blanket and trim them myself, so I keep putting it off. Even though Cora is technically my cat, I always considered her ours. We adopted her with the plan for her to be our cat. We knew Binks wasn't going to be around much longer, so we adopted her. I imagine the sadness I feel for her, and the situation is similar to when people have kids and then get a divorce, and the father completely disappears and they're left with the kid(s), trying to explain to them that, unfortunately, they're the only parent who actually loves them enough to stay.

I've been watching the new season of Ginny & Georgia since it came out this week (watched the whole thing but fell asleep many times, so I'm watching it again). Ginny says at one point in the show, “Love is always sticking around, even when things get hard.” I can't tell you how much I agree with that. Life is hard, and loving someone is a choice. You work through things, you talk about things, and no relationship is easy. I think about my dogs and my cat and how, even on the worst days, even when they make me mad, I still love them and I'm committed to them for the rest of their lives. I wish all love were as unconditional as the love between my pets and me.

Yesterday, I ended up spending the day with Kia, Mason, and their daughter, Aleia. We went to Hawaiian Falls for a few hours and then hung out at their house until about 8pm, when I drove home. I was so tired when I got home that I mostly just fed the animals, ate dinner, showered, and went to bed. During times like this, I tread the line of wanting to be alone but also needing to be with people. Yesterday, I had a day of needing to be around others, and today was a day to be alone. Part of me wanted to do something, but the rest of me said no, relax. I ended up finishing out the day by ordering from DL Mack's in Dallas because I love their chicken, and I even ordered a frozen paloma (which didn't get delivered and made me kind of sad). It felt like my birthday last year all over again when I ordered from Quince and they didn't give me my drinks. I ended up opening a bottle of wine since I was assigned Rap C tomorrow, so I'll be on call from 10am-10pm. I really hope they don't give me anything other than an ODAN. I say that, but part of me also wonders if the best thing for me right now would be to be sent somewhere international, like Paris.

I feel like, in a way, I can relate to Georgia in the show Ginny & Georgia. Georgia runs away and starts over often, and I felt like I was moving around and changing jobs a lot in the years after college, until I became a flight attendant. Being a flight attendant allowed me to live in one place but run whenever I needed. It was the only way for me to settle down somewhere without feeling like I needed to constantly go somewhere new to start over. I could hop on a flight and pretend like my heart wasn't shattered into a million pieces, and I'd go to a new place, maybe walk along a beach, sit at a restaurant and talk to strangers, or fly somewhere and catch up with old friends. Even when James and I broke up and I was on furlough, I hopped on a flight to Orlando for a spontaneous Disney World trip to visit Pat. James had always said he wanted to go, and in a way, it felt good to go somewhere that we had planned on going without him.

In college, I was told to remake new memories in the places Dan and I went in order to move forward. It was hard because I didn't want to go to all of the places without him. When I moved to Texas, I got a completely fresh start. I could make all of the new memories in places he had never been, with people he had never met. It was freeing to finally just be Annie, and not Dan's girlfriend.

I truly believe that the timing for us was so wrong. Dan wanted to be a college student, having fun, meeting tons of girls, but he also loved me and wanted to be with me. When Dan was working his first real chef job after college, I'd go visit him at work and we'd have a drink at the bar together before heading home. We had our routines of walking my dog, Coco, and going to Seven Stars for coffee and pastries on the weekend. When you're with someone for a long time, you just get into a groove, and things can be boring or dull at times, but that's just how life is. Our plan was to live with his roommates in their duplex for a few months before getting our own place. Maybe it was the seriousness of getting a place of our own that made him take a thousand steps back and ruin the good thing that we had. I remember when he was trying to make space for me in his room and we had to reorganize his dresser to fit my clothes, too. There's something about sharing your space with another person that just gives people cold feet.

Deep down, I think I knew the struggle that Dan was having at the time, and I didn't want to believe it, because I knew he loved me. Years later, when he kept trying to win me back even though I had moved all the way to Texas, he expressed to me one night the regret that he had. I'll never forget that phone conversation with him, not long before he passed away. His biggest regret in life was screwing up what we had and letting me get away. In that moment, we both cried, and I wished I could have rewound so many years of heartbreak and sadness. When he died, I took on the burden of living with regret-- of not sticking around when things got hard. I swore then, if I ever found love again in the future, I would hold onto it when it was good.

I guess I just really hoped that my love story would end with Todd. I had found someone whom I truly enjoyed spending time with, and even though I was struggling with rearranging my space to accommodate sharing it with him, I knew that I wanted to be with him every day. I didn't want to lose love like I had with Dan. It meant so much to me when Todd agreed to give up looking for a new place for us to move to so that we could stay in my current house together. When he told me that he didn't care where we lived, as long as we were together, I was convinced that what we had was real.

The truth is, as sad and difficult as it may be, is that when someone really loves you, they stick by you and they don't allow other people to brainwash them into believing things about you that aren't true. I really did believe that we had a future, and now everything just feels like a lie. It's crushing to know that someone could let you go so easily.

I saw a trip open tomorrow for El Paso, and I just thought, maybe part of me would love that -- rent a car and go to White Sands, and begin making our plans, my plans.

xoxo

Annie

[annieintheaair]

Bad Girlfriend Ballad

Oh, shame on me, the wicked shrew, Who folded your socks and supported you. I scrubbed our floors with villainous glee, And made your bed like the enemy.

I cooked your meals with evil flair, Brushed cat hair off your only chair. When Binks got sick, I didn’t flee— I held you both. What cruelty!

I washed your clothes, cleaned up your mess, Encouraged you through all your stress. I clapped the loudest, smiled the most, A narcissist, of course—let’s toast!

Went off-roading sick, what a selfish feat, Holding in nausea from the passenger seat. Planned your birthday with such disgrace— Roller skates and joy all over your face.

Little surprises, oh what a crime— Treats and sweet notes and cocktails on time. You'd walk through the door, I'd soothe your dismay With kindness and care at the end of your day.

Remember when your mom was fine With risking both our lives with wine? But I said no—how cold of me, To value life and sanity.

You got applause from me alone, When others left you on your own. I cheered your dreams, your every whim— What a monster. Let’s condemn.

No more road trips, no more flights, No stolen weekends or starry nights. All that effort, a full Dallas day— For a passport now packed sadly away. No partner to laugh with, no partner to roam, Just silence and chores in your new solo home.

And still, you couldn’t say a word, No talk, no truth, just silence heard. Moved in with smiles, then slipped away— Cowardice dressed in cool cliché.

So now enjoy that empty space, No pets, no love, no warm embrace. No couch to crash on, fridge half-stocked— Hope the floor’s comfy while your shows are locked.

So here’s to me, your wicked ex, With boundaries and a spine—how vexed! A villain in your perfect lore, Who loved too much... and scrubbed the floor.

[annieintheaair]

It's been one week since you looked at me, cocked your head to the side and said, "I'm angry." Five days since you laughed at me, saying, "Get that together, come back and see me."

When I was in middle school, my best friend, Gwenn, at the time, had a huge crush on a guy named Kyle. He lived really close to me and was friends with my bus buddy (and still a friend today), Pat. Of course, Kyle and I ended up becoming friends and stayed close through most of college since he went to school in Boston and I was in Providence. I spent many weekends heading up there to spend time with him at the fraternity house for parties.

Anyway, during our friendship, I witnessed many breakups that Kyle experienced. He was one of those people who usually had a girlfriend. I'll never forget what he told me when we were in high school -- whenever he went through a breakup, he allowed himself three days of being sad, and then he moved forward.

Yesterday was day five since everything went totally insane. I realized that I had three days of being overwhelmed with emotions, and then on day four, I was angry. Day five, yesterday, I had an awakening. I woke up in the morning and reminded myself that it's June -- my birthday month. I've always hated my birthday because I felt like it was cursed with some sort of bad luck, but what if I don't allow that to happen this year, despite the circumstances?

Even though I was on reserve and could be called into work at any moment, I took the risk and went to yoga, knowing it would make me feel better. I knew I was there for a reason when Holly said, while tapping on our chests, "Let’s resuscitate the heart." I thought about, at that same yoga studio, Destiny always says, "When your thoughts get loud, make your breath louder," and "You deserve to take up space in this world." Yoga is so inspiring.

When I left yoga, I decided to walk around Home Goods. I'm still on the hunt for this particular picture frame, and even though they had so many, I couldn't find the one I wanted. While I was there, I broke a nail really badly. I had been thinking I'd wait until next week to get my nails done, but then I realized I could no longer wait.

I thought about last Wednesday. It was the day after Binks died, and Todd had stayed home. I got home from work, and he was sleeping in, so I told him I was heading to yoga and went to Trader Joe's afterwards (as I usually do). While I was there, I got black and white cookies since they reminded me of Binks, I got Todd some gummies since he had mentioned needing some for his ice cream, and I even got a cute little plant for him. When I got home, I made us a salad for lunch with the dill pickle falafel that I bought. I thought we were doing well.

It's hard to listen to people try to tell you that he said horrible things about you when you know you were so good to him. My landlord had texted me asking if we could chat, and I was afraid of the conversation, but I told her to give me a call, so we talked on my way home. The conversation went better than I had anticipated, but it was still difficult.

Once I was released from reserve at 2pm, I called the nail salon to make an appointment. I went to see my nail tech, Jason, at 4:30pm, and he was so excited when I told him I had an idea for my nails. He loves it when I ask for designs, and since it's my birthday month, I wanted candles and sprinkles. He did absolutely AMAZING and kept me hydrated with Blue Hawaiians while he worked on my nails. I was smiling and laughing and in the best mood that I had been in all week.

I stopped at Central Market on my way home to get a few things and picked up sushi. I ate a couple of pieces at home while I fed the dogs and cat, and then headed to a comedy show. Matt met me there, and he said that it was so good to see me having a good time, smiling and laughing. We finished the night with margaritas at Mexican Sugar. I was going to write last night, but ended up going to bed because I was so tired.

Luckily, I didn't get called into work today and called at 10am to ask to be released, and they said to call back at noon. When I called back at noon, they released me, so I was able to pick up a trip to work with my friend Katie tonight.

I'm so proud of myself for how strong I've been through all of this and how I'm just moving forward with my life and doing what I need to do. Some of it, I can't talk about on here, but I've been met with so much kindness this week, and I'm so blessed and so thankful to be surrounded by so many people who care about me and are there for me. Life has felt a little lonely, living in my house alone, but I'm glad I have the dogs and cat to keep me company.

Even though part of me doesn't want to go to work tonight, it's good to get out of the house and be around friends and have a distraction.

xoxo

Annie

[annieintheaair]

Comeuppance

I used to be one of those people who tried to prevent people from ignoring me. I'd text and call with no replies or answers until I finally decided to give up. I didn't like being left. I mean, I still don't, because I've always believed that it's better to be the one to go than to be the one that's left.

Through a lot of therapy, I came to the realization that you should never chase people who want to go. When Matt came over yesterday to help me put all of Todd's things in the garage for him to pick up, he told me that, based on how Todd was acting, he wasn't expecting any of that from me. He expected me to throw a fit or get upset and try to stop him from going, but I didn't. I made it easy for him to leave.

All day, I've wanted to go to work. I mean, I didn't really want to, but I wanted to get out of the house with a distraction and wanted to make life easier for my reserve block this week. When I finally got the call today that I got a trip I requested, I felt like I could relax in a way, and decided to go to the pool for an hour, where I started reading a new book.

When I came home, I started watching the Netflix show Sirens. I decided to get ready for work a little early because I just couldn't sit still anymore.

I felt pretty much okay until I put on my uniform and went downstairs. I packed up my bag and had to run back upstairs to get a few things, and when I came back, I thought about how I have to set up the house for the dogs and cat while I'm at work for the night. I thought about how I hadn't done that in at least two weeks, and on my TV screen, a photo was displayed of the dogs and Binks lying together on my giant beanbag thing. I got choked up for a minute, thinking about how I didn't want to leave the dogs and cat alone and how it wasn't the same without Binks or even Todd here with them for the night. It was like all the worry of leaving them alone just came rushing back to me. That's what I felt sad about. The situation as a whole and how it would affect my dogs and cat.

I still have no feelings about going back to my old ways of begging someone to stay. I want someone to stay because they want to stay. I want someone who loves me, truly. I want someone who doesn't let a small argument turn into the end of a relationship. I want someone who feels safe. I want someone who doesn't allow the lies of others to ruin us.

I think about the other night and all that happened and everything this weekend and I think about Dan and how he used to tell me that when people did shitty things, they'd get their comeuppance. I always thought he made it up, but it's a real word, kind of like karma. I don't need to say anything else to anyone or try to get them to hear me out because I know Dan was right, they'll get their comeuppance.

xoxo

Annie

[annieintheaair]

I'm scared to meet you 'cause then I might know you, and then once I know you, I might fall in love. And once I'm in love, then my heart is wide open, for you to walk in, drop a bomb, blow it up.

I've been chasing happiness and love my entire life. My high school yearbook quote was literally a quote about love. Even though it's something that isn't visible all of the time, somehow I still believe that it exists.

I was thinking the other day about how August marks 3 years since Dan passed away. The truth about grief is that it doesn't ever get easier. Grief never stops. Just like thinking about my Grandma, having been gone almost 12 years now, it's still hard. You don't miss those people any less.

This week has felt very heavy and filled with a lot of pain and sadness. I stopped writing on here for fear that if I wrote something, Todd would read it and it would bother him and ruin our relationship since we started dating again. As it turns out, you can't protect something that was always meant to break. It's like taking a plate out of the cabinet and dropping it. It's mid-air and you know it's just going to crash on the floor and shatter at some point, but you can't catch it and you can't stop it from breaking. Nothing I ever could have done would have prevented our demise, and that's something I'm trying to understand and accept.

Anyway, I'll go ahead and recap this week...

My mom came to visit, so she was staying with us, and we kept busy. Todd moved in a few weeks ago because, after many discussions, we decided that we'd both live in my current townhouse together and save a lot of money. It has been many weeks of transitioning and trying to reorganize and purge things to make space for both of us here. Even though Todd only moved in a few weeks ago, his cat, Binks, moved in with me months ago. He was elderly, and we knew we didn't have a lot of time left with him, so we adopted a kitten, Cora, in February, right before Valentine's Day. They got along really well, both of them together, and with the dogs, so it just made sense for him to stay here since I'm home most of the day.

Recently, Binks stopped eating and drinking, and after a lot of back and forth on it, Todd decided it was best to put him down on Tuesday. He left work early and came home to spend time with him, and then I took Todd and Binks to the vet in the afternoon. We cried our eyes out saying goodbye, and it has been a painful week with him gone. Ellie, Kirby, and Cora all seem to be sad and miss him. I've missed him terribly since he was my cuddly nap buddy after work every day.

Friday afternoon, we made the trip to Todd's mom's house to bury Binks, and then we went to their downtown area to get dinner. Todd and I had discussed that we wouldn't be staying out late or drinking too much since we wanted to get home and had my church group to go to in the morning. The vibe was feeling a little off during dinner, to be honest, and it got very uncomfortable when his mom brought up my birthday. My birthday always conflicts with Father's Day weekend, so Todd had previously told them that we could do something the weekend before. Honestly, I really didn't even want to celebrate my birthday with them, and they wanted to combine it with Father's Day, which I think is so unfair.

Since Todd didn't make plans for my birthday, I mentioned that I was thinking about going to visit my parents in New Jersey for my birthday and I think hearing that pissed him off. He made it very clear previously that he couldn't get days off from work to go on a trip with me, so I figured I should go somewhere by myself.

When we got back to Todd's mom's house, I could tell that his mom and step-dad were pretty drunk since they were both unable to stand up straight, yet they wanted us to stay for one more drink. I felt fine, so I figured, okay, one drink, and then we'll go home. When Todd went inside to go to the bathroom, he came back outside with another beer, and I asked him why when we said we were going to be leaving. His mom kept telling us to spend the night, which I couldn't do since I had the dogs at home and I was exhausted from having been up at 4am for work and without a nap all day.

I suggested that I get an Uber and Todd could spend the night, so no one would be driving drunk. I called the Uber and decided to go outside and sit in the front and wait for the Uber since Todd's mom was getting really mean about the whole thing, claiming I wouldn't let Todd have fun. I was outside for a short time before the three of them came outside running and screaming at me. His mom wanted him to drive me home after he had been drinking, and I refused to get in the car since I didn't want him driving drunk. Todd drove off, and his mom continued to scream at me, so I walked down the street to get away from her.

Right before the Uber pulled up, Todd came back, but I didn't say anything to him and got into the Uber. I had the kindest Uber driver, Johnnie, who asked me what was going on and tried to cheer me up. It was a long, 45-minute ride, which was crappy since I just wanted to get home.

At home, I took a shower and got into bed. I woke up early in the morning and debated not going to my church group, but it was the last of the semester, and my mom encouraged me to go. In the end, I was glad that I went.

When I got out of my church group, I had a text from Todd asking why he was locked out of the house. At 9am, before leaving for my group, I received an email from him recalling the signed lease agreement, so obviously, I was mad and upset, and figured that if he was no longer moving in, he did not need access to my house without me home.

Todd texted me in the afternoon, asking when he could come to pick up his stuff. I told him he would need to bring a U-Haul to get it all. He didn't reply until around 6pm, saying that he wouldn't be able to get one last night.

I tried to be reasonable and nice to him this morning and texted him a very kind and understanding message, but he told me his mom told him I called the police on Friday, and it was so unforgivable. I never called the police. She literally made up lies to sabotage our relationship. It was then that I realized that she will always do that to his relationships because she never wants him to be happy. He said it was too late to change anything because he had already signed a lease on a new apartment. I was in absolute shock since we never even had a conversation about anything that had happened.

Anyway, Matt ended up coming over today to support me while Todd came with his friend to load up the truck. I brought everything downstairs and put it in the garage so that he wouldn't need to come inside. He was absolutely horrible to me and tried to blame the whole thing on me, when he put me in multiple bad situations, including being on reserve this month with the dogs when he was supposed to help me, and wondering how I'm going to pay my rent when my job situation has changed quite a bit. I don't have time to move or figure any of that out now.

When I was watching church online this morning, the topic was love. How fitting. The pastor who was speaking said, "Love = an enduring commitment to be with and for another person." I realized that while Todd was with me, he was never for me. His mother would always be there, trying to sabotage us. All of this ended because of her.

After Todd and his things were finally gone, Matt and I went to the Katy Trail Ice House to get margaritas. I only had one. We also got loaded cheese fries, which I usually love, but couldn't eat much. I have no appetite for anything, and I've been feeling nauseous for the last two days. I know I need to drink more water, but even that has been hard, and I have a horrible migraine. I think it's going to be an early-to-bed kind of night.

Anyway, I just feel so much regret about giving him (and his insane family) another chance. I spent so much time healing last year and felt so good without him. I guess now that's something to remember, though -- someday, I'll feel better again.

xoxo

Annie

[annieintheaair]

Nothing makes sense the more you think about it, and I know I wanna do something with my time, even if it's all for nothing.

I've been meaning to write for days and just haven't gotten around to it but sometimes, when I'm feeling all of the feelings, there's nothing else I can do but write.

I should be in bed but instead, I'm awake, it's 11pm, and I'm drinking wine on my couch. During a quick Facebook scroll, I saw on the JWU Alumni page that one of my favorite professors passed away on Friday. I froze when I saw it. It felt like the world stopped for a minute. Just recently, we had been messaging on LinkedIn. He has cheered me on since I graduated and always said he hoped that someday he'd be on one of my flights. I'm sad that it never happened and absolutely devastated that he died. I guess one of the hardest things about getting older is that more people you know die.

On the same day that my professor died, I paid off my student loans. I was already on track to have them paid off by June but we finally got our profit sharing and while I'm putting aside most of that right now, I decided to close out my college chapter officially and pay the last $1200 that was owed. It feels so good to be done with that huge burden but it's also ironic that it happened on the same day that my professor died.

The last two weeks since I wrote have felt like such a blur. I worked some, and last weekend spent Saturday at a brewery with Matt where they had a margarita festival. Sunday, I finally got around to putting together some shelves in my garage to get organized, and then, since Todd's birthday was on Saturday, I surprised him by taking him to a roller skating rink. He told me so many times how much he loved roller skating and we never went the whole time we dated. After roller skating, we checked out a distillery and then saw the movie Here with Tom Hanks. The movie was kind of disappointing. Afterwards, we went back to my house and watched a movie, and tried some of the new beers I found at Trader Joe's.

My flights on Monday night into Tuesday morning canceled so I spent the night at home and ended up taking a trip to Maryland to visit my younger sister early Tuesday morning. Non-revving is such a pain and 9 times out of 10 I end up on the jumpseat, but it was worth it to spend a few days with my sister and her family.

I got home on Thursday night and stayed in, being lazy with my dogs. Friday I went to yoga and by the time the class was over, I already had an alert that my flight that night had been canceled. In a way, I didn't really mind.

I worked Saturday, Sunday, and Monday nights and initially wanted to pickup a trip on Tuesday or Wednesday but nothing came up on Tuesday so I decided to enjoy the day off. I went to yoga in the morning and then celebrated Taco Tuesday at MiCocina with my favorite brisket tacos and a skinny smash margarita. I stopped for a coffee on my way home and then had to buckle down for the afternoon with work and a meeting.

Last night, Matt and I went to our favorite bar for music bingo. It ended up being a lot of fun but I was so tired and ready to crash by the time I got home.

Today, I was up early to go to the doctor. I was sick last month, went to the doctor, and got meds, which helped for the most part, but I've had a lingering cough. The cough has since turned into a sore throat and ear pain. My doctor did a strep test and it's not strep but ran some other tests that I'm waiting to hear back on. She started me on more meds and if I don't get better, she said I'll have to come back for blood work because I might have mono. I honestly don't think I've even been tested for mono since college when that was standard practice every time you go to the doctor.

I ran some errands today to get craft supplies, my prescriptions, and $5 sushi at Sprouts. At checkout, they asked if I wanted to pay $10 to donate a bag of food and I say no literally all of the time for these things but something in me today said to say yes. I don't know why but I felt like being extra nice. They were so excited and rang the bell and it was like paying it forward.

I worked on sweatshirts all day for my church group and finished most of them except for the embroidery on some since I decided I wanted to personalize them with everyone's names. They were all so excited when I brought the finished ones to church tonight.

Anyway, I have a glass of wine to finish, I'm tired, and I feel like it's time to relax.

xoxo

Annie

[annieintheaair]

Love, what's it even fucking mean? I'll tell you what it is to me: my heart ripped open at the seams.

There's nothing harder than having to go to work after a relaxing yoga class. I feel like I'm in such a chill mood and having to go to the chaos just sounds so unappealing. I shouldn't complain though-- I was off the last two nights and will be off tomorrow night, too.

This weekend was busy and fun. Friday, Todd and I went to a brewery and then Shinayde and Brent came to join us before we got on the Witches Brew Halloween Train. The food on the train was terrible but we had fun anyway. We finished the rest of the night at Harvest Hall and then headed home.

Saturday morning was a struggle. I felt like a complete zombie but managed to get myself to my community group anyway. After that, my sister and her husband and kids came to visit so we went to lunch at this really great Italian restaurant/pizza place and then stopped by the mall for this selfie exhibit. The girls loved getting to take pictures in the various booths.

They all came over to my house for a little after that and by the time they went home, I was ready for a nap. I took a quick nap before getting ready to go out. The nap wasn't sufficient so I grabbed a Thai Tea on my way to Todd's and then we headed to a Day of the Dead festival. It was a fun night and we didn't stay out super late, which was good since we were both tired from the night before.

I thought I'd go home and watch TV but instead crawled into bed. I think I slept for about 11 hours. I was clearly very tired. When I got up this morning, I got ready and went to church. Sara and Bob invited me to sit with them, which was nice, but they like to sit on the far side of the auditorium and I prefer to be in the middle on the left. I feel off balance sitting on the right side because of my hearing loss.

After church, I went to the Fresh Market to grab a coffee from my Greek friend. He makes the best Freddo cappuccinos.

I thought maybe I'd have a productive day but came home and decided to be lazy instead. I worked from my couch today and watched TV until it was time to go to yoga. It has been such a busy weekend that taking time to slow down today was kind of nice.

To avoid wasting time during therapy, I take time before my weekly appointments to choose three feelings from the feelings wheel. I had a really hard time choosing this week but I think I'm going with sentimental, cheerful, and skeptical.

It was a long, exhausting week but it had a good finish out. We finished the series on Decisions at church today and somehow I don't feel any more equipped to make good decisions. I always feel like whatever I choose is going to be wrong.

I'm terrified of getting hurt again, which is why I have sworn off dating for now. Hanging out with Todd recently has reminded me of the things I miss, like having someone to do fun things with. At the end of the night, I come home and don't bother turning on the TV. I take a shower and go straight to bed because the loneliness hits me hard on the nights that I have to crawl into bed with just my dogs. I've been taking a supplement recently that has helped me sleep better but sleeping has made me have these dreams that feel so real, leaving me feeling overwhelmed by my feelings when I wake up in the morning. Maybe, the reality of it all and why I struggle to sleep is because I'm afraid to sleep if it means dreaming.

There used to be a time in my life when I loved having good dreams. I mean, good dreams are still always better than nightmares but waking up to realize your dreams aren't reality is a tough pill to swallow. I often wonder about dreams and if they're a way to help guide me to the right decision. Are dreams what's really in my heart? Are they showing me what I want, even when I'm afraid to admit it? I can't figure it all out and I'm not a mind reader so I never know what anyone else is thinking.

We're not getting younger, only older. There are days when I'm totally fine being alone, especially when I'm surrounded by friends, but then there are days when it makes me sad to think that giving up on dating means being alone forever. I just can't see myself getting back out there and I don't have the energy or desire to meet new people anymore. The idea of swiping on apps just sounds terrible to me. At one point, I was happy. I think about this time last year and the things we were doing, like going to Broken Bow this week. I miss that and I miss all of the fun we had and it does make me sad to feel like we failed at making it work.

Anyway, I better get ready for work.

xoxo

Annie

[annieintheaair]

I don't wanna wonder where I'm going, while missing where I'm at, just to find out all I want is what I had.

This week has felt incredibly long. It feels like it's dragging and it's hard to believe that I've only worked three trips this week and have one more tonight before two nights off. I am exhausted!

I've been really fortunate this week to work with great crews, making work much more bearable. Still, it doesn't change the fact that some passengers are assholes. During deplaning this morning, a man told me I sounded like a recording since I was saying "goodbye" and "have a nice day" to over 150 people. I told the captain that I could just stand there and stare at them and say nothing and that I should probably do that if people want to be mean.

Between my dogs, the landscapers, my neighbor who slams his door 500 times per day when walking in and out to walk his dog, and the spam calls coming through my phone, sleep has felt impossible this week. I need to get into the habit of sleeping in my bed after work instead of napping on the couch. My motivation to get anything else done has been challenging but I have managed to go to yoga or pilates every day this week. I should cut myself some slack though because I did do laundry and attempted to dye my uniforms (they've been turning purple!). I even went to Costco yesterday and cleaned some old clothing out of my closet. For the first time in about a month, I even made it to students last night. I only was able to stay for an hour but I was glad to at least go.

It's weird to think that it's already almost November. While this week has felt slow, this month has felt fast. When I walked into yoga this afternoon, even Joshua commented that this week has felt long. Even though I was the only person in the class today, I'm glad I went because it was just what I needed to help me wind down and get ready for the weekend.

Speaking of yoga, Diara, my therapist, has been keeping me in check and holding me accountable. I told her how important it was for me to focus on things that I enjoy so every week she asks me what I've done for myself and if I've been going to my yoga and pilates classes. It's kind of nice to have someone to report back to that I've been keeping up with my fitness routines. Right now, I try to go to classes 6 days per week, which I think is really good, even if I struggle to drag myself off of my couch some days after work.

I am so ready for the weekend and glad that I was able to trade out of my Saturday trip for one on Tuesday instead. One night off this weekend just didn't feel like it would be enough and there are so many Halloween festivities going on this Saturday so it would be cool to go to something.

Anyway, time to rest up a bit before I have to get ready for my last flights of the week.

xoxo

Annie

[annieintheaair]

I'll wait for something if waiting's what I need to do. I'm okay with nothing cause nothing's what I got from you and I'll pray for something that only God can do, while I wait for someone that loves me like I thought I loved you.

After I had last written, Matt came over to help me carry my nightstand upstairs. I've talked to him about being reliable and he has improved and even worked on communication. Earlier in the week I had a conversation with him to make sure that him doing nice things to help me wasn't an effort to try to change my mind and convince me to date him. He said he understood and enjoyed hanging out with me anyway. Because of this, I felt like it was okay for him to come over and help with the nightstand and I really appreciated it.

I ended up going to bed later than planned because after the nightstand was put upstairs, Matt helped me figure out how to inflate my bike tires and then we hung out for a bit before he left since he had an early flight Saturday morning.

Saturday morning I got up and went to community group. I've been trying to go every week and I do enjoy going and spending time with a church group while drinking coffee and eating muffins. We discuss the weekly sermon and the current topic is Decisions, which I find quite appropriate.

When I got home, I decided it was a great day for a bike ride now that my tires were inflated. I figured it would be fun to bring the dogs with me so I watched a few YouTube videos and learned how to attach the dog bike trailer to my bike. I thought I broke my bike a few times when I got the chains off the tracks but I finally figured it out and was so proud of myself.

We had a really nice ride to the dog park, which is about 4 miles from my house on the trail. I think my dogs actually enjoyed it and were surprised when we arrived at the dog park, where I let them out to run around.

It was hot in the sun and I was tired so I figured we'd head back so I could go home and relax and maybe take a nap at some point. We were about a half mile from the park when I must have hit something that busted my front tire. I searched to see if there was Uber for bikes and thought AAA for bikes would be nice, too (I didn't know it but that is actually a thing). I ended up having to walk my bike, with the dog trailer and dogs, 3.5 miles home. I wanted to cry in frustration but didn't and was so happy once I finally got home, even though I was dripping in sweat.

I had just enough time at that point to feed the dogs, take a shower, and get ready for the night. Jillian got tickets to see Kevin Hart and invited me so I offered to drive us there. I picked her up around 6pm and we headed down.

I was completely shocked when we got there and they put our phones and watches in these pouches and locked them up. I had no idea what time it was or any way to communicate with anyone, including Jillian if I lost her. We discussed meetup points if we got separated.

The event started about a half hour late (at least that's what they said when they started but I didn't know what time it was). There were way too many headliners, which also took too long. By the time Kevin got on stage, I thought I'd already be home in bed by that point. It ended up being a much later night than I had planned, especially because it was a nightmare leaving, trying to get our phones unlocked, traffic in the parking lot, and then detours.

Todd texted me asking if he could come to church in the morning and I'm not one to tell someone, no, you can't come to church, so he decided to meet me there. I met him at church around 11am for the 11:15 service and after we were going to go grab a drink but he called me while I was on my way home real quick and asked if we could meet after. I figured that was fine since I needed to go home to get my tire first so I could go get it fixed.

Anyway, long story short, Todd blew me off. I guess I should have expected it from him. The whole situation brought back the feelings I had when we were dating and he would gaslight me into making me feel like I was the problem, knowing deep down that I wasn't. He completely invalidated my feelings and then went back to his normal routine of ignoring me when he was mad. I still haven't heard from him and maybe I won't, but maybe that's for the best. I realized in therapy today that whether we're friends or we're dating, he still has the opportunity to hurt me again and I didn't like how I felt after yesterday. It almost made me wish that he had never reached out to reconnect in July. I didn't need him to come back into my life just to leave again. I don't deserve to be hurt more by him.

The few things he did say to me before he stopped replying completely really hurt. He tried to tell me that I needed to figure out my emotions. Well, I had no plans on ever speaking to him and he's the one who reached out in the first place. I literally have no idea what his intention was behind all of this.

My voice crackled a lot during therapy today, as I tried not to cry over my frustrations. In my last text to Todd, I refrained from telling him that it was because of him that I decided to swear off dating. My heart can't handle the pain and yesterday was a confirmation of that. I hate that he has made me into someone who doesn't even believe in love anymore. Love feels like a lie. My therapist reminded me that my feelings are valid and I do have my emotions in check, despite what Todd thinks. I am allowed to feel hurt and upset when someone bails on me. I'm also allowed to be frustrated and angry when someone completely ignores me instead of talking to me. It's not "drama" to have feelings, it's human.

This morning, even though I didn't really want to, I got up and went to Pilates. Danielle's class is always encouraging and inspiring. She cheers us on and it makes me feel like I can do anything I set my mind to. I feel like I'm getting stronger and I'm proud of myself for pushing myself so hard to exercise more and prioritize myself.

I've been working on and off for my second job all day but obviously took a break to go to therapy. Remember, makeup is too expensive to apply more than once per day. Even though everything was eating me up inside over the last 24+ hours, I'm proud of myself for not sobbing uncontrollably and not crying at all.

Anyway, it's time for me to get ready for work. It has been a long weekend-ish off for me and getting back into the swing of things can be hard.

xoxo

Annie

[annieintheaair]

Was just havin' fun, wasn't lookin' for the one, no, forever wasn't part of my plan, but that one night stand put a ring on my hand, and I wound up with two night stands.

A great time to write is while drinking an Aperol Spritz. It's that time when you finally sit down after a long week, relax, and enjoy a good beverage. Finally calm and quiet.

Some of the best times Dan and I had were when we were broken up. During junior year, he lived one street over from me. He had been in a car accident and was without a car but needed to get to and home from school. We had been best friends for so long at that point that I didn’t even think twice when he asked me for rides.

We fell into a routine of riding to school and having breakfast at our favorite spot, Brickway, nearly every day (interestingly enough, we ate there again on the last day that we ever spent together). Looking back, it was kind of like we were an elderly couple with our routine— even sometimes ordering the same things off the menu. In a way, we lived backward. In our early 20s, we had gone through so many relationship stages, not knowing that we weren’t going to make it to 80 together. In five years, it was like we lived 60 years.

I can’t remember how much time went by in this routine but eventually, we were at a fraternity party at his house one night and we went upstairs and somehow ended up in a conversation about what we were doing. Things had been going so well for us being “just friends” that we realized there was no point in us not being together at that point. I think that was the last time we broke up before the final breakup. We stayed together for a few years after that day.

Sometimes I think you have to lose something to realize what you had. Losing Dan completely when he passed away made me realize all of the ridiculous things about him that I would miss the most. Weirdly enough, I miss his late night phone calls, drunken voicemails, calls for a ride home in the middle of the night, and even the times he randomly sent me flowers or the duck boat t-shirt after the Patriots won the superbowl. I miss his cooking and even his critiquing me in the kitchen when we cooked together. I miss walking to Seven Stars for coffee and being snowed in together and cuddling under the Patriots blanket I made him for Christmas one year. I don’t think the missing will ever stop.

What about the people who are still here though? The ones that aren’t gone forever? We often fail to see the good when something bad happens. In those moments, I wish we could pause time and think about what life would be like without them. How would we feel if they were gone forever? When the play button is hit again and life resumes, would we still choose to walk away or stay?

Anyway, last week my mom came to visit on Tuesday and we went straight to Fredericksburg. We try to make an annual trip there and this time decided to stay for two nights. I signed up for a wine membership at one of the wineries last year so we were able to take advantage of the free wine at that winery. We had a fun few days there checking out other wineries before heading back to my house.

Last Thursday night, when we got back from Fredericksburg, I went to my old neighbor's new house and we headed down to Dallas for a Haunted Cocktail Soiree. It was pretty fun and we ended the night at E Bar eating tortilla soup and drinking a margarita called "The Meltdown" which obviously made us all have meltdowns once we got back to their house. It's not a good night of drinking if you don't end up outside on the patio crying (haha). It was a great night though and I ended up spending the night at their house and driving home at 8am.

Friday morning my mom and I ran some errands and got breakfast at a new breakfast spot nearby, which was amazing. She headed to my sister's in the afternoon and I laid on my couch, thinking I'd take a nap, but instead got up and went to the nail salon since my nails looked terrible. I drank mimosas and nearly fell asleep in the massage chair.

After my nail appointment, I met up with Matt at Desperados for dinner. Of course, I ate more tortilla soup (I've been on a soup diet lately since I had a sinus infection and the weather is finally cooling down). I thought I'd be calling it an early night but we ended up going to Mad Hatter and drinking beer while playing giant Jenga. It ended up being a good night but I went to bed much later than planned.

Saturday morning I was up early for community group and then was almost late for my hair appointment. Nikole made me a watermelon margarita while my hair processed and I debated cutting my hair short but chickened out. She told me not to do it unless I was 100% sure.

I ran some errands and went to the outlets after my hair appointment and then met up with Matt again for sushi for dinner. I knew I couldn't stay out late that night so I went home and was in bed at a reasonable hour.

Sunday morning I was up early to get ready for the fair. I really wanted to go to Cirque du Soleil and they offered a deal of $32 for a ticket, which included free entry to the fair. Todd was going to the fair and invited me to go with him. I had no reason to say no so I agreed to go. It was nice to have someone to go to Cirque du Soleil with since none of my friends could be convinced.

It ended up being a surprisingly fun day, although interesting. One of the guys I had been texting back in April after we broke up is now Todd's friend Cassie's new-ish boyfriend, Brady. He was the last person I talked to after deleting my apps and deciding to just live the single life.

I ended up home and in bed by 8pm that night. Pat and I talked on the phone for a bit and then I went to sleep for over 12 hours. I was exhausted and didn't feel like putting on a TV show but I also felt like I needed to stop my thoughts and rest because I just felt so overwhelmed.

When I woke up on Monday, I was forced to think about everything, knowing that I had therapy that afternoon. When I said goodbye to James at the airport that one December day in 2020, I cried really hard because deep down, I think I knew that it was the last time I would ever see him. When I said goodbye to Dan in November 2019 and he asked if he could hang out in my hotel room with me and watch a movie, I said no. I felt a sense of sadness because deep down, I knew I made the wrong choice and I regretted it deeply. Not to say that it was easier moving on from Todd but I think I knew that I would see him again someday. I think we know when an ending is really an ending and our bodies react accordingly.

At therapy on Monday afternoon, I expressed to my therapist my frustration about how everyone seemed to have an opinion about my decisions and how I chose not to tell many people to avoid hearing what they had to say. No one had anything nice to say about Dan until he died and then suddenly everyone seemed to forgive him. I felt like I was in the same situation all over again, this time with Todd. I didn't expect anyone to understand and I know they don't but that's why I keep most things to myself these days. If I can forgive him, then why can't everyone else?

Sunday left me with all kinds of nostalgia. I forgot how nice it was to have someone around who you were comfortable with and who knew you. When someone can go grab you a beer and know what you'll like, there's something really sweet about that.

This week has been busy with work -- both jobs. Luckily it was a short flying week for me since I only chose to fly Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday nights. I am now enjoying a long weekend at home with my dogs. I allowed myself to be lazy in between work this week and since I didn't fly last night, I finally had the energy today to get some things done.

I went to yoga this morning and then came home, got some work done, did laundry, and eventually cleaned the bathrooms and took a shower. It was almost 4pm when I finally left my house again to return a pair of sneakers to the outlets and decided to drop in at the West Elm outlet to see again if they had my nightstand.

Side note-- A few years ago, after buying my dream king-sized bed, I desperately wanted these nightstands, also from West Elm. I ordered two and they kept getting delayed for nearly a whole year. I finally ended up canceling the order and deciding I'd wait it out and see if I found something else. I still desperately wanted those nightstands though! Finally, I found one at the outlet store and it was super discounted. It had some imperfections but I got some wood filler, sanded it down, fixed it up, and had custom paint made to match to finish it off. Since they only had one, I decided to wait and see if another would someday be available at the outlet.

Since I bought the first nightstand and lived in my old house (in the neighborhood), I moved to my house an hour away and then, of course, moved back this summer. All these years, I have gone on with just the one nightstand. In a way, I think it's symbolic. Just like getting a king-sized bed and deciding I had room for someone else in my life, maybe a second nightstand is a sign of being ready to actually let someone into my life again.

I can't tell you the joy I felt when I walked into the West Elm outlet today and found the matching nightstand. I immediately knew I had to buy it. Of course, just like the other, it was slightly imperfect, but I still had the paint and knew I could fix it.

Here's the thing, recently I started wondering if I needed to give up on searching for the nightstand. I love symmetry and having one instead of two has been frustrating to me for the last few years. I almost settled for a similar one recently and went back to it a couple of times, but ultimately decided I needed to wait. Something in me must have known that one would be available soon.

Let me tell you -- the nightstand was worth the wait! I got it super discounted and I am so excited to finally have a set to balance out my room.

In life, sometimes it's hard to believe that things are going to be worth the wait. We wait and wait and wait and start to get discouraged because what we want isn't coming when we want it. My patience with the nightstand was definitely tested at times but I'm so glad that I waited.

Since I decided to take a break from dating and leave the dating apps for good this spring, I'm starting to see that you have to do what's best for you and even if it means trying to be patient and waiting, your time will come eventually. Everything arrives in God's perfect timing.

I know it seems silly that a nightstand could mean so much to me but I really see now how waiting was worth it, and I believe that the same is true in love.

While I'm not entirely sure what I want now or in the future and I have no idea what Todd wants, I'm trusting God that everything will happen as He has designed.

xoxo

Annie

[annieintheaair]

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.

There are no coincidences; everything happens for a reason.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about that over the last couple of years, trying to make sense of everything that has happened in my life. I'm still trying to understand why I had to move away from my life for 14 months and why everything in me said I had to return.

Even though I knew I needed to rest on Friday, I just had to leave my house and do something. I texted Julie to see if she wanted to check out the night markets nearby but the timing didn't work out. I texted Eric to see what he was up to and he was going on a date but said it would only be about an hour. We decided to meet at a nearby taco festival after his date.

The taco festival ended up not being very exciting so after one frosé, we went to Truck Yard to hang out there for a bit.

Upon driving up, I saw a car and was 99% sure that it was Todd's (I was right). Of all of the places to go in the area that night, why would we end up at the same place?

Eric and I walked around for a bit and I didn't see him so I told myself that I was probably wrong and it wasn't his car and he wasn't there. But if he was there, would I even want to see him?

Once we sat down to listen to music, Eric promptly got up and disappeared for a bit, at which time, I checked my phone and Todd snuck up on me. He was there for his friend Grant's birthday. He asked who I was there with and I told him I was with a friend. He kept asking me if it was a date and I kept telling him no (because it really was not a date at all). I told him that Eric is 29 so obviously I would not date him but we met at a concert and are friends. I honestly don't know if Todd believed me at all because I was a little more dressed up than normal, wearing heels and a cute top.

Eric came back and disappeared many times throughout the night, which was kind of annoying. When he was gone for a long while again, Todd came by and told me to come sit with them. I ended up hanging out with them and eventually, his friends left. I texted Eric to come over and he wouldn't so Todd insisted that we go over and sit with him. I think he just wanted to meet Eric to confirm my story about it not being a date.

Obviously, Eric hated him. When Eric left, Todd asked why because he thought he had been nice to Eric. In the simplest of terms, I explained to him that Eric wanted to date me and didn't like him because he had dated me.

We talked about some random things and there was a little bit of clarification on things that had been said that were possibly misinterpreted. I kept thinking about my conversation with my therapist last week and how I told her I didn't want to have any type of conversation with him over text but if I saw him then maybe I would. In some ways, I feel like I accomplished what she told me to but I also didn't.

When I got home that night, I went straight to bed. I didn't sleep well and woke up early. I kept thinking about how Friday night, hanging out with Todd, when everyone was gone, kind of felt like old times, but in a good way, like the best of the old times, before things became complicated and crazy and we started fighting about every little thing. I thought about how all week, I wanted to text him and tell him that I bought an Apple Watch keychain charger so I never have to worry about not being able to charge it. It seems silly but it was one of our last fights the day that we broke up.

I go back and forth -- sometimes I just want to tell him to fuck off and disappear. He doesn't get to be part of my life in any way, not even as a friend. He doesn't get to show up whenever he wants to and disappear whenever he wants to. He doesn't get the chance to hurt me ever again.

Then there are moments where I think about the sign I bought for my guest room, after telling my therapist about it... What's the best that could happen? I'm so used to constantly thinking about worst-case scenarios. What if allowing him into my life at all will cause me pain down the road? My felt letter board has said, for almost two years now, "May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears." Instead of being so worried about what could go wrong, I need to think about what could go right. But then again, what does it even look like in this scenario for things to go right? You have to really know what you want to have an answer to that.

Saturday morning I picked up Jillian and we went to check out a new park nearby. We walked over to Oktoberfest after that and ended up getting lunch at Tupelo Honey. She told me about the date she was going on that night and wanted to get home to prepare so I took her home and then drove back to Oktoberfest to meet Kia, Mason, and Aleia. We ended up spending pretty much the entire day there and I was drained.

That night, I came home, made myself an Aperol Spritz, put on my pajamas, watched TV, and fell asleep on my couch. By 11:30pm, I got off my couch and went upstairs to bed.

Sunday was a lazy day. I tried to accomplish little things around my house, like reorganizing my guest room closet. I wasn't super motivated to do anything but made it to Yin Yoga at 5:30pm. David, the instructor, has to be the most gentle man I've ever met. He's soft-spoken and seems like a really kind human. When he adjusts your poses, he has the softest touch and it makes me think that there's no way he could ever hurt someone. Obviously, I don't know him out in the real world outside of yoga but he seems like a good person.

After yoga, I had a little bit of time before going to work. I wasn't supposed to fly last night but ended up trading trips with a girl who was having car trouble. She offered to pay me for trading trips but I told her I understand car trouble and was happy to help. She said she would pay it forward, which I thought was nice.

Aside from still not having my voice back and now coughing like crazy, work wasn't too bad. I was bummed this morning when I got downstairs and they said the coffee maker was broken. The hotel van driver was so sweet and offered to make me an Americano instead with the espresso machine so I took him up on his offer because I desperately needed some caffeine to survive.

This morning, I got home, got some work done, and then went to a Pilates class. It was hard and I feel like my entire body is still shaking from it.

Well, I have to finally take a shower and get ready for my work meeting and then, of course, therapy later. Hopefully, I can squeeze in a nap later!

xoxo

Annie

[annieintheaair]

I'm drinking day-old wine, I spend my nights alone, and all these guys are asking if my friends are single and if so if I can hook them up, if I'll be their wingman. No, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't understand.

I'm trying my best to see (and appreciate) kindness in the world daily and using it as inspiration to pass it on.

This morning, I walked out of my hotel room and a pilot walked out of his at the same time. We ended up in the elevator together talking about where we were heading for the day (both one leg home-- me to DFW and him to ORD). When we got to the lobby, he asked if I wanted to come into the lounge with him to grab coffee and maybe some food. I can't tell you how much I appreciated that cup of coffee this morning! Since he was so kind to me, I felt like being extra nice at work today, helping commuting crewmembers find places for their bags so they wouldn't have to check them.

This week has been kind of rough. My body has been screaming at me to slow down. I flew Sunday through Thursday nights last week (5 in a row) and did another 5 in a row this week. I was off last Friday and Saturday nights and this weekend I'm now off until Monday night! I had been planning on hopefully going to my nephew's 1st birthday party in New Jersey but sure enough, all of this work has caught up to me and now I'm sick.

Wednesday night I tried to drop my trip since Tuesday morning I realized that my voice was going. By Wednesday, my voice was completely gone. I could get out maybe a whisper but trying to actually speak ended up sounding kind of manly and faded the more that I tried.

Since I couldn't drop my trip, I ended up having to go to work. The pilots could tell that I was sick and one of them gave me a cough drop, which I thought was really sweet.

I had a bad feeling about going to work and I was right -- Thursday morning I woke up to my hotel room phone ringing. My crew was in the lobby waiting for me and I slept through all three of my alarms. When I get sick, I have more trouble hearing than normal and I guess my body just couldn't handle the early wake up.

I told my crew that I'd meet them at the plane and quickly threw everything into my backpack. I threw on my uniform and didn't even have time to brush my teeth. When I got to the plane, I poured water into a cup and brushed my teeth in the lav. I felt like hell but Mari told me I looked good for getting ready so quickly and was impressed that I made it to the plane just two minutes after they did. Honestly, I'm impressed with myself, too.

I was thankful that I thought enough on Wednesday to schedule a Thursday morning doctor's appointment. I know it might seem dramatic to some to rush to the doctor as soon as you get sick but honestly, my goal is to be sick for as short of time as possible. I'd rather not waste time and money going to the pharmacy to buy things over the counter when I could just see a doctor, get a prescription, and feel better faster -- all while saving money since it's all covered by my insurance. Also, when I get sick, my ears get blocked and then I can't go to work so as someone with hearing loss, it's kind of a big deal when I get sick.

I tested negative for everything (flu, COVID, and strep) but of course, have a sinus infection (as usual). The doctor sent me home with a few prescriptions and I spent the day napping, eating soup, and drinking tea. I skipped Bible study but went to yoga at 4pm.

I wished I didn't have to go to work that night but I was flying with Kia and felt like I could power through for my fifth in a row for the week. Somehow, I survived.

One of the worst things about being sick is trying to take care of yourself. I don't mind being single most days but sick days are hard. Not that I've ever really had anyone to take care of me while I was sick-- Todd checked out of our relationship every time I was sick. I mean, when I had shingles in 2020, James did fly back to be with me while I was off from work but I wasn't sick in a way that I needed someone to take care of me. By the time I had COVID for the first time, I was single and completely on my own, stuck in my house, feeling like crap.

I can take care of myself fine on a daily basis but I have trouble slowing down (which is how I end up sick in the first place). Sometimes, it would be nice to have someone around who would be cool with having a low-key Friday night since I probably need to rest. It does get lonely at times so being home alone isn't always fun. Taking care of myself also means ordering Uber Eats or running out to pick up food.

Last night, on the plane, I was reminded of one of my fears of being single and living alone. I had a cough drop and was sitting on the jumpseat, ready for take-off, when I started choking on it. Adriane almost had to give me the Heimlich. That's not even an exaggeration. It was pretty scary. Trying to take a cough drop but also not being able to swallow properly or breathe is not a good combo.

Anyway, even though I need rest, I also need exercise and I'm working really hard towards my goals. I've really been enjoying mixing up my routine daily with yoga and Pilates. I made it to Destiny's class this morning, which was the class I missed last week due to our delay out of Austin. it was good to get in a workout before really getting my day started.

On my way home from yoga, I stopped at Flower Child for soup and hummus with veggies. I thought about sitting there on the patio and eating but ended up taking it to go and heading home. My other job has been super busy lately since we've had a situation with backorders and now the port workers' strike is making it worse. It has made my job pretty unpleasant lately, which makes me want to quit some days but I need the money and don't want to fly more than I already do.

Anyway, there are so many fun things going on this weekend that I would love to do, even if it means doing some of them alone. If I want to do anything at all though, I probably should rest a little today so I can kick this sinus infection.

Closing out my work inbox and maybe taking a little nap.

xoxo

Annie

[annieintheaair]

Put you back together but I'm missing pieces.

The day I left Wyoming, a few weeks before Christmas 2020, I sat on the plane bawling my eyes out. No one offered me tissues or asked me if I was ok. I was so upset about leaving James and maybe, subconsciously at the time, I knew that it was the last time I’d ever see him. That goodbye hug on the curb outside the airport, that would be the last contact we’d ever have. If I had known then all that I know now, maybe I would have cried even harder.

This morning, I was doing my compliance checks before takeoff and a girl in the bulkhead was crying. It was serious tears like the kind where you feel like you can’t breathe. I asked her if she needed anything and got her a bottle of water. In the air, I brought her more tissues. She was traveling to China so I knew she had a long day ahead. I wished I could do more for her but I didn’t know what else to do. At first, I thought maybe someone died and she was going to a funeral or perhaps, maybe she was leaving for her trip and suffered a breakup before leaving or maybe she was just saying goodbye to someone for an unknown period of time. Maybe, like me, she said goodbye to someone for the last time unknowingly. Maybe, there wasn’t anything more I needed to do but letting her know that someone saw her and cared was enough.

There are times when I’m having a bad day and I want to be left alone but then there are days when I just want to cry and I wish there was someone to give me a hug, like the kind Dan gave me whenever he just knew I needed one. I'll never forget the day when I was walking around Target, feeling really sad during my first year or so in Texas, and a lady walked up to me and asked if she could give me a hug. I don't normally accept hugs from strangers but I felt like God sent her that day. Target has always been a happy place for me and going there when I was sad seemed like the logical choice. This stranger's hug further confirmed that.

One of the only empty seats on the plane this morning was next to that girl. I wished I could fill it because when there's a void in your life and then there's an empty seat next to you, something about it makes the world feel even more lonely. It's like a reminder of what is no longer there.

I've been working really hard -- both at work and in my personal life. I have been staying busy with yoga and pilates daily and know that I'm well on my way to reaching my goals, regardless of how hard it seems during the workouts and how sore I am after.

By the time Friday arrived last week, I was beyond tired. We got back late from Austin so I missed my yoga class, which I desperately needed. I spent the entire week dropping things -- tomato soup, salsa, and then my lunch on Friday afternoon. I dropped it all over my rug and for a minute, I decided to allow myself to sit on the floor and cry. Everything over the week had just built up and I needed a break.

After my facial that afternoon, I went to the nail salon to get some of my nails fixed. In the process of cleaning up my lunch, I had completely destroyed a nail when I got into a fight with the Clorox wipes container. I felt so much better getting my nails fixed (and yet somehow now have two more that are cracked. I just can't win lately!).

After getting my nails fixed, I decided to try this pasta place that I read about. It was only 3pm so I called it an early dinner, sat outside at Miss Pasta, and ate and drank rosé. Matt called so when I was done I went to Brass Tap to kill some time.

Matt's "I'll be done in an hour" turned into much longer so I went to Total Wine and then headed home. Matt called hours later and wanted to hang out but by then I was in for the night. I actually passed out on my couch by 7pm and Uber Eats came to deliver my snacks (ceviche and tuna tar tar from Bulla) so I woke up about 15 minutes after it arrived at my door.

I stayed up for a bit, drinking Aperol Spritzes and eating my snacks before finally heading to bed.

I had zero motivation on Saturday so I skipped community group, yet again. Instead, I took the dogs for a walk and then worked on some crafts (embroidering sweaters for kids), and then met Jillian for lunch at Ascension. When we finished lunch, we walked around the market at the Star and then I ran to Target to pick up a few things.

Saturday night I met up with Kia and we checked out a wine bar by her house. It was a weird Saturday night because the bars were like ghost towns. We had a good time anyway though and I got home just before 1am.

I thought I'd have an easy week this week and planned on working only three trips in a row, having a night off, and then working one more, but ended up picking up one for Wednesday, too. I wanted to go to students this week since I missed last week but I don't feel needed anymore this year since we have so many volunteers and I hate having to leave there early to rush home to get ready for work.

Anyway, I have so much organizing to get done around here so it's time to sign off.

xoxo

Annie