annoyingartworks

[annoyingartworks]

Wow I’m back again after 6 months.

This is tough. It feels like I’ve wasted two months already doing nothing. I’m not close to any of my work being finished and I’m unmotivated at all. But one good thing that has come out for the past weeks is that I’m now much closer to my family. I don’t know why or what happened but I don’t get annoyed by their presence anymore. I guess it’s because I’m lonely. 

A lot has changed by the way. And those things contributed massively to my loneliness. One of my work best friends just left work so I don’t have anyone to confide in anymore. I didn’t realize how helpful and important those meetings are until now that I almost do not speak about my struggles anymore. My favorite band also has announced that they’ll be away for 3 more years. I was really expecting this but to hear it firsthand still hurts. I also was off-boarded from a project that I have worked on for more than a year already. And since then, I haven’t been coding really. And I pretty much don’t work with a team anymore. It doesn’t help that I hate my appearance right now. My hair sucks and I have pimple scars all over my face. I just hate how I look, no, I don’t care about how I look anymore because I know it’s just horrible. My self-esteem is down 100% than before. My birthday has passed too and when I decided to turn off notifications on Facebook, that’s when I realized that nobody really remembered my birthday like I do. Or at least, nobody made an effort to put it in their calendars like I do. And that just broke me. That’s when I realized that the people who cared for me are simply just my family. I have no one to call as my best friend anymore. It just sucks remembering all of it (and I’m even tearing up right now). All of those things really added up until I just burst.

I have many plans in the future and funnily enough, I have thoughts about ending it soon. Like, I wish my life had a deadline so that I can look forward to eternal rest.

Anyways, I can’t take a break right now because the holidays are coming soon and I don’t want to waste anymore time.

I just have to do it. Doesn’t matter if I’m trying or hurting myself in the process.

[annoyingartworks]

Hello, I’m back, but positively.

My last post was really disheartening. I was in a middle of a huge feature assigned to me and I was stuck with its complexity. 

But today, I finally passed that hurdle after anxiety-ridden days of not sleeping well. Plus, the election results. It was tough but at least last night, I was able to enjoy watching an episode of a drama I’m watching. It felt refreshing.

So what really happened?

Well, after that “emergency sick leave”, there was a shutdown in the company and I used that time to just binge-watch all the dramas and movies I wanted to see. I really tired myself out during that time thinking that after that, I wouldn’t be too distracted nor motivated to watch another film. So after that shutdown, I had to double my work time and deliver. It was a clutch moment, and I certainly had my downfalls (a.k.a. nothing happened good that week and I just barely survived). But at the end of the day, I passed it. It’s done. I can move on to the next.

Now I’m writing this to let my future self know that there will always be light at the end of the tunnel. It might seem vague, but there will always be and you will always reach it.

Now, I just need to anticipate these burnout moments in my life so that I won't be surprised, and most importantly, I can expect when to take breaks that matter. And so I'm supposed to take a break sometime this week so that I can not experience burnout especially when I'm doing internship.

[annoyingartworks]

I’m here yet again because my slump alarm has been ringing since the past week.

It’s another 6 months since I last posted. I swear I need to put this on my calendar now so that I’m reminded that I’m almost at my limit. Honestly, I still don’t know how to fix myself nor to prevent it. I guess I have to file vacation leaves when my 6-month timer is almost over? But then I don’t have enough vacation leaves for that. I have already used my “emergency” mental health sick leave today as well so this is probably going to be my last straw.

I’m tired. My brain is tired. My jar of motivation is empty. I have 0 inspiration at the moment and all I want to do is to sleep and watch films/dramas. I have a bunch of tasks to finish this week and it’s Wednesday and I haven’t accomplished anything just yet. I suck really. I’m glad that my teammates are very understanding but in my perspective, I would kick my ass already for being so stubborn. I have reached a dead end and I don’t know what to do.

It’s a bit late since I’m already experiencing burnout but I would like to set some time in the next few weeks - after I have finished this huge feature - to just rest and bring back my motivation. It’s possible, you know. I know that because I have spent weeks of my life since January where I’m super productive. At least now I don’t have an issue waking up but I just couldn’t start work. My thoughts get all jumbled and my immediate reaction is to attend to those thoughts. And soon I’ll realize it’s almost the end of the day and I haven’t done anything.

Yeah.. I do really have no choice. I need to take a break before the internship starts. Actually, let’s plan that out now. 

Later, I seriously need to work. Just one last push okay? One last push to finish the feature. You can do it. I believe in you.

Sayonara, I hope that when I get back to this blog in few weeks time, I will bring good news.

Keep going.

[annoyingartworks]

I’m miserable again.

I just read my previous post from 6 months ago, and I feel the exact same thing. But a 100x worse. I don’t know, I feel like everything just piled up from the last couple weeks. I just lost my dog. I just lost my motivation in life with the unreachable concerts. Insecurity. The pressure at work. I’m not in debt but I definitely lost a lot of money buying unnecessary things. Angst drama. Low energy. Haven’t created art for the longest time. Skipping meals. Dropped my hobby of playing the piano. I’m miserable every single day and I don’t want to continue anymore.

I have no reason to live anymore. I can’t even imagine the future. All I feel is uncomfortable pain that kills me every second I live. I have thoughts about quitting my job. Quitting life. But I don’t have money. I don’t have enough savings to sustain me for months. I don’t want to deal with code anymore. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow. 

They say, it’s okay to not have a dream. But dreams are the only reason why I still choose to live. And without it, I feel empty. I feel like there is no reason for me to go on another day. When I die, I will be able to leave something for them.

Nothing excited me anymore. All I have is the temporary bliss and excitement, and then it washes away after a few minutes. Even BTS doesn’t push me forward anymore. I have nothing to look forward to for the next day.

I feel miserable today so I’ll cry. Tomorrow, I’ll think of things I can do so that I can make myself less miserable.

[annoyingartworks]

Feeling really shitty right now.

I’ve been in a slump for almost two weeks now.

I’ve been doing all the things except work. I feel like I’m the actual embodiment of the phrase, “I’m so tired”. Literally, all I’ve been doing is listening to music, watching a drama, scrolling through Twitter, watching videos, etc. I can’t put my focus on anything. I can’t do anything. I’ve been neglecting work, hobbies, exercise, and even my eating habits. I want to change, but I don’t have the motivation to do it.

I have a deadline in a bit, but now I just feel so sleepy. I haven’t made any significant progress, and I’m so tired. My brain even is in haywire just writing this; my thoughts are all over the place, and all I can think of is to sleep, sleep, and sleep.

I want to give up. I’m so tired. So tired.

But I can’t be like this. So many people are relying on me. I can’t be the person who can’t deal with hiccups like these. I’m a strong person. I’ve tried getting inspiration from art, but it’s not helping. I’ve been flipping through my binder to get the spark, but there’s nothing. I’ve even tried going through Yoongi’s old videos for inspiration, but all it did was to push me deep onto the rabbit hole. It sucks. I feel like I’m not in control of my life anymore. I don’t want to do anything. I feel nothing.

How do I even solve this?

First, I need to get off Twitter for a while. I’ve been slacking because I have a distraction. Next is that I need to have set rewards for small achievements. Treat yourself with one Bruno Mars video after a feature or something. Second, create a task list and a schedule on when you need to do it. It will help you time box things and will let you anticipate something, at least for the next reward. Third, take it easy, but also don’t take it too easily. Be kind to yourself, while also healthily pushing yourself. It’s perfectly okay that you’re not performing at your 100%, and you writing this is already a huge step. Now take that next big leap and start doing the things you mentioned above.

I hope you’ll get your usual energy soon. You can do it. I love you.

[annoyingartworks]

Dream.

What is having a dream? It’s easy to say to get rich, right? But it’s so hard to be passionate over something unappealing like money. And it’s not like dreaming for money would immediately make me happy right?

So, what is it? What makes you feel alive? What makes you wake up in the morning and push you to do something. I was categorized as a “futurist” but honestly, I don’t have a view of the future anymore. I just know that I want to live comfortably in the future. 

And it’s not something that’s really bad you know. You can have small dreams, like completing a collection, or designing your own home office. But the thing is, work is exhausting, and you need to have a dream where you can pull motivation from. Think of ridiculous, near-impossible dreams you want. Then, make it more feasible by listing down the things you need to do to achieve it. 

You know what, you’re good at writing so list down whatever you have in mind:

1. Attend an F1 grand prix with hospitality tickets.

2. Attend a BTS concert with VIP + soundcheck passes.

3. Create my own mixtape.

4. Create a BTS zine/photobook with my artworks.

5. Master a Chopin classical piano piece.

6. Travel to Europe.

7. Work abroad. (Singapore?)

8. Own a Dior item.

9. Be an L3.

Maybe, your work dream right now isn’t something grand. Maybe you need something small and attainable. I agree with having one-on-one sessions first with people who you look up the most. I think I’ve been feeling so insecure at work that I fail to see how I should improve, instead of focusing on what I lack.

I’ll try to get a session with one of the people I look up to, and try to get some tips on why they’re so passionate about what they do and how they maintain it.

That would be a good start. Then maybe, you can find your own ridiculous, near-impossible dream.

[annoyingartworks]

Unexpected.

This past week (and now) has been really shitty. 

I’m getting mild panic attacks again throughout the day, specifically during lunch and dinner time. I somehow can’t eat with people around me. The solution is easy actually, I just have to eat alone. But it’s so hard. How do I tell them this? “Hey, I get panic attacks whenever we eat together, can I eat alone from now on?” Do I have to make excuses every time to avoid eating with them?

I’ve been enduring the panic attacks because I thought I would at least ease myself to it. But for some reason, they always manage to make it worse. 

I’m so miserable. I miss eating like a normal human being. 

I even end up dreaming about getting panic attacks. My only safe space, being taken away and consumed by my worries. I hate myself. I want this to end. I’m on the verge of breaking down everyday.

And it’s not that work triggered this. Maybe it did for a bit, but ultimately, it’s them who’s triggering it anyway. 

Why can’t I be a normal person who doesn’t feel dread every time I wake up? I wasn’t like this before.

---

No, this is not the time to give up. Do you remember what you did before? I had the same experience before. It was even worse because I had to go out and go to the office. At least now, I’m just at home. So much time to recuperate. 

Okay, let’s list down all your options.

1. You tell them your stomach is acting up. The worst you get? Some nagging for not eating, but at least they’ll be able to tend to you afterwards. Give you medicine (hopefully, this fixes you.)

2. You tell them your anxiety. This is a stretch. They won’t know how to treat you and they for sure won’t allow you to go to the hospital.

3. You medicate yourself. Not recommended at all. You’d have to do a lot of sleuthing and making up excuses.

4. You know what’s the ideal solution? You tell them that you want to eat alone. And still get medication. The only thing you need to do is to open up.

The problem now is how do you tell them that.

I’ll tell them now.

[annoyingartworks]

Hi beautiful people.

“It’s been a while.

I was just looking at my previous post and I realized that it’s been 6 months since it dawned to me that I am experiencing burnout.

Hm, I guess I do owe you an update on that. A month after that post, I finally was removed from that project. My exit was okay, it was smooth but also not really fulfilling. I think after being stuck in a project you hated so much, you didn’t really care anymore whether the results were good or bad. And even if they didn’t bother me anymore for that project, it still felt like I was leaving in a bad state. But anyways, that’s the past and the only thing we can do is move on.

And so I did. For the past 6 months, I’ve been working religiously for internal projects. I’ve been jumping ships from my own project, to another, to another. Although my tasks were not really as stressful as the projects before, I have to admit, lately I’ve been feeling kind of miserable again. Don’t get me wrong; I like what I’m doing. Because of my own project, I was able to venture onto something that I would not have thought I could do. I also became more communicative to other people, because my job required me to. I think for the past 6 months, I just grew up a lot. But like I said, it’s not all highs, and right now I’m feeling the lows. 

That’s why I have decided to take a week off. I realized that I need to recharge and reflect on my life. Now that I’ve been working for 2 years, I need to know what are the things I need to do so that I don’t just crash. And lately, I’ve been crashing a lot. Just last, last week, I spent the whole week in a slump. I couldn’t do anything. I was unmotivated. I spent my whole morning and the rest of the afternoon reading AUs. Then I’d cram out my work in the evening until dawn. This has been my habit and I wanted to change that (though I am aware that I am writing this at 1 AM). 

So here I am, on my 7th day of my “In the 🌳🏡” week where I just do what I want to do, reflect on what I need to improve about myself, and recharge for the next days until I decide to rest for a week again. So far, it’s been fun. I’ve done a lot of things already, and I feel at ease. This is really important. I’ve never felt at ease like this before. I’ve always been clouded with anxious thoughts and worry. At least now I don’t feel that anymore, which is good. But I shouldn’t stop there. I should learn how to manage my feelings and time because my anxiety will always be there. It will never leave me so I just need to learn to accept it.

Going back to the things I’ve done:

(1) Revamped my website - I’ve been planning on doing this ever since I’ve discovered my art style and I’m happy I get to revamp and deploy it this week! I guess I learned a lot about myself and my art style while doing this project. Now I know that my next goal is to print my designs into proper clothing! (So excited for this.)

(2) Read short stories - This one was really satisfying. I came in this week wanting to read books but it would be difficult to read especially that I only have a week. So I resorted to short stories and boy was that the best decision. It’ll only take me more or less 15 minutes to finish one story and the lessons and art that I get from it is immeasurable. So far, I’ve read “The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas” and “A Real Durwan”. These two stories are great, and I think I’ll continue reading some of them even after this break.

(3) Created art - This one is a no-brainer since this activity has been ingrained in my daily schedule already. I feel like a week is never complete without me putting out edits. I guess this week was special because I had more time to think about it and experiment on new things as well. (New PS brushes, yahoo!)

(4) Finished a course - Finally finished this course I’ve downloaded! Although I have to admit that I rushed in the last few videos, in my defense, these were stuff I knew already. But that doesn’t mean that the course wasn’t useful! I learned some things that they usually did in a design system, and I’m planning to integrate that in my own project as well.

(5) Continued my 2 courses - So I enrolled in two courses last month thinking that I could religiously follow it. I did, for the first two weeks, but then my demotivated self got the best of me and so I dropped it ever since. I just picked it up again and though I still can’t find that regular pace I need (just like attending classes), at least I’m learning a lot and in my own pace. Fun fact: some of the things I’ve learned also helped me reflect on what kind of person I need to be!

(6) Attended a virtual conference - This wasn’t planned at all. Okay, maybe this was slightly planned but my whole week off wasn’t really for this purpose. There’s this free virtual conference that happened last weekend and I spent most of my time attending expo halls during this time. It was fun and refreshing; so many people presented their ideas and research, and I learned a lot in the process. It was fun to be able to interact with a community, even during my break. I have to admit, I didn’t expect much on this bit but I can say this was one of my week highlights.

(7) Watched a race - This isn’t really a win, but I guess to some extent it still is. Finally, I was able to watch a race on a Sunday and not worry for the next morning. Now that I’m thinking about it, I should really stop working on weekends. I should halt work exactly on a Friday, make sure you don’t have pending hours anymore, and come back on a Monday feeling refreshed and energized. Treat your weekend as your mini-”In the 🌳🏡” days, and I think you’ll look forward more for the new week.

(8) Watched movies - Finally had some time to watch movies again! I lost that passion and I never really had an experience where I was compelled to watch a movie. So it really feels good to spend some time and watch 2 movies this week. I’m planning to watch one last film before this break ends, and I hope I am able to watch it.

Wow I’ve done a lot. This might not be much, but I did everything in my own pace, with minimal worry. WHICH IS AN ABSOLUTE FEAT. 

I would love to continue this break, but the point of this break is to not escape from reality, but to prepare myself for the storm in the future. I treat this break as some sort of an orientation before going into a horror house or a session on how to do emergency treatments. At its root, I wanted to have a break so I can reflect about myself, and so that I can minimize those times where I feel miserable. I said minimize because I know that struggles will always be on my way, I just need to know when to give up and not crash. And right now, at my 7th day, I think I’m learning (or should I say relearning?) this.

---

I have 4 more days left in this break, and I want to make it worth it. So I’m listing down things I need to do on those remaining days:

THURSDAY

Answer the Clifton strengths assessment

Reflect on evaluation / perf evals

Make a non-BTS edit!

Attend class!

Fix working schedule

FRIDAY

I’m dedicating this whole day to BTS! I have to be realistic, I’m not gonna promise that I can do anything else today.

SATURDAY

This is my second-to-the-last free day, so I’m gonna spend this whole day making sure that I am mentally and physically ready for the next week. This is also the aftermath of the Friday madness, so I’m guessing I won’t be able to do much.

Watch a movie (Snowpiercer)

Research about investments (?)

Read a short story

Attend a class

SUNDAY

Last day! And also, a legit rest day. (Nothing planned at all.)

---

Well that was fun (and long). Honestly, I’m at my 7th day and I really feel like I’m a whole new person. I think I was able to love myself a bit more and I’m now being realistic of the things that I can and can’t do.

There’s still so much work but I think this break really helped me discover who I want and need to be.

I’ll post again (probably on Sunday) to discuss my last thoughts about this whole week and for once, I can say that I am happy with who I am right now. 

Signing off,

My beautiful self

[annoyingartworks]

Hello, I’m back again.

This week was interesting.

We recently had this burnout therapy session group where in we discussed the causes of burnout, symptoms, and how to overcome it. It was only during that time that it fully occurred to me that I am experiencing burnout.

I’ve been working on this project for almost a year now. It’s pretty intense; the sprints are really tightly-packed and I knew I was losing motivation. I’ve been feeling empty for a while now; I just thought I was being lazy and tired. I don’t know when it happened but I just realized that I never really cared about the project anymore. I try to do my best and deliver the best that I can, but that’s about it. It’s like I’m detached with the project now that I feel like I’m not myself when I’m working on it. And that’s bad because I’m working on that project full-time.

Yesterday, one of my bosses got concerned on the things that I raised on that burnout therapy session. I was alarmed, I didn’t know it would have that effect. But now that I think of it, maybe I was just belittling my feelings and that it was already really bad. I wasn’t just aware of it or I was just trying to push myself everyday.

So now I’ll try to look back and reflect on the things that happened; try to absorb why I’m feeling this way and how to ultimately overcome this.

Note: This is gonna be a long post so hold your horses.

---

When I started this project, I knew that everyone kind of had an iffy feeling about it. The product was promising, and i looked promising to me from the beginning. People who scoped the project out already felt that this is gonna be a huge and exhausting project. But I felt optimistic about it, felt like I could make the most out of it.

It continued for a few sprints, actually. I was completely motivated to finish tasks. I was in every meeting, both physically and mentally. It was fun for me, because I get to learn a lot of stuff during those starting sprints and that was really fun.

And then I don’t know when but I just started feeling bad about the whole project and to myself. For every sprint that passed, I didn’t feel like I accomplished enough. I felt like I wasn’t doing my part well. I think this is the part where I needed self-compassion the most. I knew I was doing well, so I have to let go that 50% of me that’s saying that I’m not enough. Please don’t question your abilities, when people say you’re good, you are indeed good. 

And then those sprints continued, and I tried with my very best to fulfill all my duties. But I guess that “burnout” that I experienced happened so slowly and gradually that I didn’t even notice it getting worse.

I would wake up each day, and would curse under my breath on how I would have to work another day on that goddamn project again. Getting out of bed was the hardest part, I got succumbed to reading a lot, and I would spend an hour and a half just reading. It didn’t feel good because I was purposely neglecting work just because I don’t want to face it anymore. 

Then I started feeling indifferent with the people that I talk to in the project. At first, I was very enthusiastic on meeting them, now I just want to get out fast at meetings. I even made a friend with one of the people that I work with, but suddenly I became emotionless and never really cared about anything.

So when I talked to my boss about this, there were two things that really stuck to me: self-compassion and fire. She said that I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. I focused more on the things that I failed to or I’m failing to achieve than on the things that I was able to achieve. I’ve grown so well this past year and I should focus more on positive things than on the negative ones. I need to be more compassionate about myself. I need to think that there are a lot of people who care about me, my friends, and I should care about myself too because I need to respect that. Another thing that came up was fire. What was that one thing that I always loved to do? What was that one thing that makes me happy? I honestly don’t know the answer to that. I thought learning something new was a big part of it but then I realized that learning has become taxing even for me now. So, I need to find that fire. I need to try out new things. Eventually, that happy feeling that I had, something that I was really excited about, will come back again.

Lastly, I need to make a decision. I need to decide if I want to continue on this project now. My boss presented me two things: (1) I can choose to stay but make it bearable for me, (2) I can choose to leave but I need to set up an escape plan of some sorts. I don’t know why but I would like to finish the project. I want to be there when we celebrate the wins at the end. But when this phase ends, I want to end it completely. I don’t want to have any debt for this project. But for those two - I came up with a solution, to hit two birds with one stone. I can continue til the end of this phase (AND ONLY UNTIL THE END OF THIS PHASE), but I need to be able to breathe. I need to have another project up my sleeve. Say, I can have 50% on this project and 50% on another project. At least, I’m still helping on the project but not too much anymore. I always refer to this project as hell hole and I need to get out of it.

So, what am I gonna do next? 1. I’ll practice self-compassion. I’ll focus more on my achievements, and the achievements of others. I’ll start complimenting people more, I think it will help me focus on the positive side of things.

2. I noticed that I stopped caring about anything, so I’ll go out more often and try something new. It will help me broaden my perspective and meet new people!

3. I realized that I didn’t want to leave the project feeling like I’m in debt or I had some unaccomplished tasks. I came in terms in myself that I will leave the project only at the end of this phase (hard deadline, don’t wanna come back anymore), but with the caveat that I won’t be working full time on it. I heard there’s a new person coming in next week? I’ll talk to my manager if I can let him take 25% or 50% of my work so I can focus on another project (or to my internal project).

That’s it I guess. Thanks for reading. I’ll take care more of myself, find signs of burnout, and take some steps to prevent that from happening.

[annoyingartworks]

I just talked to two people today.

And I feel like I really had a change of heart from those two conversations.

As you all know, I’m still in a slump. I have no motivation to do anything; I can’t find my rhythm in work, and the worst: I still get anxious over the littlest of things. So I decided to confess to one of my closest friends at work about my condition. 

I told him everything that I have ever experienced, from the time I started recognizing my anxiety to my latest panic attack. And I felt relieved that I did that. I felt like I really just needed someone to talk to. And it was amazing because even though he didn’t really suggest something unique, I, more or less had a glimpse of hope in my mind. I felt like I shouldn’t give up, and that this will go away as well. I truly believed that everything is gonna be okay. Talking to him really did spark positivity in my brain. And that’s good, because just last night, I was contemplating on why I was experiencing. I posted in Reddit on how I’m so sick of this life and how I just wanted to give up. I woke up this morning and I felt like hell. This continued from the moment I rode the bus up to when I took my physical exam. I was feeling really horrible during those moments. I’m glad I talked to him today, at that very moment. It was a soothing experience and it did lift my spirits up.

Just a few minutes after we talked, I spoke to another one from my company. Initially, I wanted to talk to him about a problem I’m trying to solve. But we ended up discussing what we do on our free time. I was so embarrassed to admit that I stay up late just because I spend my time on social media. It really did hit me. There he was, sleeping at 1 AM, because he was doing valuable work. Something that I should do and follow. I was so amazed by his actions, that I called him out right there and told him, “I wanna be like you when I’m older.” I don’t really know what happened but he did really boost my interest on working. I know, I’m writing this down and every minute I don’t attend to my tasks, I’m wasting my time. But this is a realization that I just need to vent out. I suddenly feel so inspired to work. I feel so pumped up to start working again. It’s as if I almost forgot that I do have anxiety. And that’s great because thinking about something else than anxiety would really go a long way. And it’s just amazing that talking to these people: one who I really trust a lot, and one who I really look up to would change my mindset, a mindset that I would thought I would carry for the rest of my life.

So I’m gonna stop writing now. I hope I don’t write in this blog for a while. I hope I overcome whatever it is that I’m experiencing. The reality is so much more important, you should focus on it. It’s nice to have a dream again. It’s nice to have someone to look up to again. It’s nice to have friends whom you can share your deepest secrets with. And I’m so glad that I’m able to do it right now, when I needed the most.

So, thank you to everyone, especially to God, that at this certain moment, I was able to find the light. Thank you, because right now, I’m ready to live freely again, with no doubts and hesitations. Just me, my family, my work, and that I’m happy even for just a moment.

Now let’s hustle!

[annoyingartworks]

Setback #1

I just read my previous post. Wow, I really was happy at that time that I decided to post it here.

Anyway, I’m back to the deepest pit of hell. My anxiety decided to wave back and greet me with a vicious hug. I wasn’t ready for this. I thought I was doing okay, but no, I guess I’m not.

I read somewhere that it’s common to experience setbacks. It is common to feel waves of anxiety when you’re recovering. But this anxiety hasn’t left me for a week. Everyday I would have weird thoughts about me or somebody else throwing up in the bus. That happened everyday for a week. I would be so afraid that I couldn’t just ride the bus in peace. It was stressful you know, that these certain thoughts really clouded my mind. I would have second thoughts about going to work, but I always ended up taking a chance and just go. It worked out well, I think. But the uncomfortableness will always be there and I hate it. I hate that I have to deal with this everyday. To be honest, I don’t even remember feeling calm when I’m outside. I feel like I’m always in the lookout for danger, when the environment doesn’t even pose any threat. And it’s exhausting, because everyday I feel this. 

I get mild panic attacks everyday. I would always think that something bad would happen. Some panic attacks would reach level 6. Some would just remain as thoughts. And it’s exhausting. It’s exhausting that I have to live with this. 

Now, I’m struggling eating again. I’m eating less and less food again just because I can’t swallow properly. I hate this. I’m crying. I hate this.

When will this struggle even end? Will it ever end? I miss those days when I can laugh freely and not worry about anything. I miss those days when I can do spontaneous things and not stress about the slightest unplanned thing. I miss those days that I was happy and I was contented. Right now, I’m far from that. I’m sad, lonely, and constantly anxious. I hate it.

I have to stop this. I still have work to do. But thank you for giving me an avenue to voice out my thoughts. Sometimes, talking to myself in the bathroom isn’t enough. Sometimes it helps that I type it out and reread it when I feel like rereading it. Please pray for me. Please pray that I will live a better life from now on. I feel like going back to the Lord to guide me again.

Thank you. And by the way, to you that’s suffering right now: don’t worry, everything will be fine in the end. I’m rooting for you.

[annoyingartworks]

This is a happy post for future me.

Hi, I’m back.

I explained in my last post that I was sick. I was in bed for a few days, made a couple of visits to the doctor as well. But now, I’m okay. I’m able to go to the office freely; I’m now able to eat normally. But it was hard to get to this current state. I had to endure a couple of panic attacks in the morning, while riding in the bus, in client meetings, and etc. But I pulled it off. I made it. And I’m so proud of myself.

Part of me still thinks that I’m not the same as before. I still get surges of anxiety during stressful moments and I’m still afraid to socialize. But I’m making necessary steps to overcome this. I’m trying to get back to my old self.

I don’t know why I posted. I guess I just wanted to update the internet about what I’m doing right now. I guess I just want to tell my future self that I was able to overcome that huge hurdle I had just a few weeks before. And it’s going to be alright. Everything’s going back to normal again.

So hey future self, if you’re hurting now, please remember that pain doesn’t last forever. The road to healing might be fast; it might be slow. But in the end, you’ll reach equilibrium again. You’ll feel happy. You’ll be okay. And that’s what matters. 

I know in the future, I’ll be experiencing that pain again. It might be worse, or not. Just reassure yourself that it will end. It will end positively and you’ll be back to your daily grind again. I’m so proud of you. Now get back to work! :)

[annoyingartworks]

I just broke down today.

Hello.

It’s been a while.

It’s weird seeing my last posts. I really was going through something in those times. But here’s a life update: I got through the interview; aced it even I think, since I got hired on the spot (and accepted it on the spot as well).

But a lot has changed. Both for the better and for the worse.

I could say my mental health did improve these past few months. That’s probably why I haven’t been writing lately. I was happy; I was confident; I had so much trust in myself. I was contented. I could say that was some real progress right there. You know, coming from a depressed hole. I remember when I was college I used to tweet about wanting to just die. I realized how pessimistic I was during those times. I realized how my mental health was completely failing, and I was just there hanging onto dear hope. Thank God I did. Look where I am today, I am satisfied and I am happy.

But these past few days really took a toll on me. I came back to where I was before. Mental breakdowns, panic attacks, miserable life. I don’t even know what happened. I don’t know why it happened. I feel like the heavens just felt like “Hey this kid is doing well, let’s make her suffer.” And I did, both physically and emotionally.

I realized, it’s so damn hard to be sick. When your body keeps on failing you. You know what’s worse? When your body isn’t the only thing failing you. Your mental health as well. I’m now regretting those times I did nothing to take care of my body. I’m now regretting those times I took advantage of my happy life to not think of what will happen to me in the future. Now that I am sick to the bone, I feel like everything I am feeling right now, the pain, the anxiety, it’s all because I let that happen. And I regret it so much. And there’s nothing I could do about it now, because I am sick and there’s nothing much to do than trying to recover. And it’s taking a toll on me since it’s affecting my job. I’m actually lucky I could take breaks long enough without really burdening my colleagues and my work friends are so supportive of me and only wishing me well but still, the guilt is there and it will never be the same.

Here I am, crying my heart out because I can’t take it anymore. I’m sick of not being able to eat. I’m sick of feeling weak because I haven’t eaten properly for days. I’m sick of having anxiety, where the outside world is a war zone and it’s telling me to chicken out and just stay at home. I’m sick of having doubts of myself, that I won’t be able to live freely just like what I did just a few months ago. And I’m crying because I don’t know what to do anymore to cure myself and that I am so tired of being sick.

I wish I didn’t have anxiety. I wish I didn’t have hyperacidity. I wish I could eat like normal a normal person. I wish I could be normal. But I’m here, hopelessly typing my thoughts away, hoping it would alleviate just a bit of what I’m feeling right now. And I hope, tomorrow will be a little bit better than today and that I will get better soon. I could only hope. Because in this life, I’m not really going to win and we all need to fall sometimes.

Before I end this, I should write a resolution. 

I’ll take care of my body. I’ll try out meditation. I’ll try to live a happy life and not stress out.

This is getting long and I have calmed down. /fin

[annoyingartworks]

Lost.

I’m having a crisis right now.

I feel like I’m not doing something good in my life right now. I feel like I’m not going to be able to reach success. I feel like I’m just going to live in a slump for a long time. I feel like I’m not enough and that my dreams will never come true.

I don’t know why I’m feeling these. I’ve got a job interview next Friday and I’m pretty sure I’m going to get hired but I still feel like it’s not enough, like I could be doing something great. But I’m now too confident about myself to do it. Heck, I don’t even know what to do with my life. I should probably plan out my life but I feel like I have no goal in life anymore. It’s so annoying and exhilarating how I’m ranting over these when it’s really all my fault. 

BTS said it’s okay to not have a dream but I want to. I just don’t have the energy or motivation to have one. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I want to achieve. I don’t know what to do to be successful. What does success even mean?

I should probably stop ranting right now. I’m not even making any sense. I just really want to vent this out. I should clear my thoughts for a while and plan out my life already. My life isn’t enclosed in a school anymore; this is real life. 

Now, let’s run towards it and face it.

Good luck, B. Conquer the world.

[annoyingartworks]

SHALFKJSHFDALKSFL.

I just received news...

...and I really want to smack myself for being lazy this past 2 months and not doing anything regarding my career path.

So I was told that I had to submit a resume (which I haven’t made yet) to a company and to include works I’ve done after my internship. BUT I HAVEN’T DONE ANY WORKS YET. And I promised them I’m going to be productive this vacation :(

Anyway, I have to stretch my one week and make at least 5 posts regarding data viz and data analysis. It’s so sad how I’m still cramming at this time and age where I have a lot of time in my hands to spend. But now I’m cramming over what I should have done months ago and not oversleeping and spending 90% of my time in social media. Now I regret it. But there’s no time regretting so I gotta start doing things now. 

My plan is that for today, I have to plan out my week. I have to at least finish 5 posts and I have no idea nor the skills to actually accomplish them. It doesn’t have to be the best, I mean I can learn a lot already while using Google Sheets or the like, but I at least have to have some output just so people can tell that I made my vacation productive.

Okay, so after planning, I’ll immediately start on Saturday (it’s so sad but I have to) and then continue until Friday. I’m planning to pass my resume on Friday together with my works. But the earlier, the better.

AHHHHHHHHH. I gotta hustle!!

You can do it!!

[annoyingartworks]

Let’s hustle.

So, I’ve finally decided to act on my responsibilities little by little and to accomplish everything that I need to do.

I’ve been spending my days now doing nothing, watching k-drama, or playing the phone so I’ve really been very unproductive (even though I decided to use my vacation to study and to explore more on data viz). It’s less than a month til I start, not to mention they haven’t contacted me yet on this so I’m still not sure if I’m going to get hired. But let’s be positive in here.

Okay, so first: I’m going to finish the paper I’m supposed to submit. It has been a week already and it’s just lying around in my computer. I haven’t even started it yet. I just need to gather up my strength and start writing. It really isn’t that bad, right?

Once I’m done, I’m going to do one BTS edit for today. I’ve promised my twitter folks that I’ll be posting BTS art every now and then but I still haven’t had the motivation to do so. 

That’s probably what I’m going to do for today only. For tomorrow, I’m going to finish the spread lacking and send it to the company right away. I have to finish that so that I won’t have anything to think about it. Then I can start planning my study week and start on my data viz journey. There’s a lot to tackle so I’m going to be very detailed about my schedule and what to study.

Now, if I have spare time, I can finish the C-drama that I’m watching. It’s really good, though not as realistic so I’m not really convinced. But really, I’ve been down for a few days as well because I got hurt. I read something I wasn’t supposed to read, so I was hurt. I just needed a light and fluffy rom-com to get me out of those dark thoughts. It was effective though, because now I’m not thinking about it anymore. I’m not even bothered about it and now I’m back to my normal routine. Except, my anxiety and indigestion problems are getting worse. It’s supposed to be my vacation and I’m supposed to NOT be stressed out but here I am, not enjoying the food I’m eating because I’m anxious as hell. I don’t even know why. I just really need to take action on this. I’m not going to live my whole life not under the spotlight because my fears are overcoming me. NO, I WON’T BE THAT PERSON. But since I’m literally broke right now, I can’t do that. I’ll probably start therapy when I’m working already. I really need it.

So, that’s it for my update. I wish I could really fulfill what I wrote in here. 

Have a nice day, y’all.

[annoyingartworks]

Here we go again.

Does contemplating about your life and your actions come together with growing up? 

Lately, I haven’t been thinking any aside from my actions from the past, its consequences, and if I regretted them. I may have made bad decisions but I’m still weighing in if I should really put the burden on my shoulders and live with my regrets. But I also miss people. I miss moments. I miss a lot of things. And it’s killing me.

Right now, I’m walking under this long tunnel of self-doubt and sadness again. Should I fight for what I want or should I swallow my pride? Where do I draw the line? Is it right to leave before you get hurt or to stay and withstand the pain until you become strong? I’m confused. This is the first time I get this life, I’m not used to everything. Please know that I will make mistakes.

I’m not even making any sense right now. All I know is that this is my Room 19 and I’m glad I can share everything here.