anonjournaljng

[anonjournaljng]

Today took a turn for the better. I went to the mall and got comics! I even got a Cinamoroll water bottle and feel really happy. I even got to have my favorite popsicles

[anonjournaljng]

Sunday, October 29, 2023

It's all really getting to me lately. My home life is miserable, and my online life is becoming miserable too. I have friends who I love, but there is still the people who bother me and ignore me and make me upset. Sometimes I take a breath and know they dont mean to hurt me, but it still hurts. I still get scared theres something so deeply wrong with me that they really dont like me.

I just wish I could escape from the turmoil, the battle within me that never stops. The world is so horrible right now. I know I am privileged to have what I do, but I am still hurting. When I am not being bribed with hush money or gifts, I am neglected. I feel so pitiful, like Im taking up space that belongs to other people. That other better people could use.

Ive really been feeling like giving up, like its not worth it to keep going. I dont want to die. But I dont want to live like this. I want to be free from it all and escape from this. I hope that this comes true some day, that I have my own home space where I dont have to be scared or disrespected or isolated. Please, God, I know I have not been very faithful to you, but, please, at least consider making this happen..

I have been praying lately. I dont usually pray. I hope and I hope and I hope but I am so scared, of everything. I feel like, even when Ive grown, Im still just a little kid inside. I want to be normal and healthy like everyone else. Please. Just give me some reason to live, God, some reason to keep going. I beg of you.

End journal

[anonjournaljng]

Saturday, October 28, 2023

This is my first journal in a while, and I thought it'd be good to archive it online. Maybe someday I can look back at these and think, "oh, anon, how silly you are for being so sad then!"

It's not so silly right now, though. It hurts a lot, and sometimes I wish it would just stop. Everyone is counting on me, and it feels like I'm expected to be happier than I am. I feel like such a downer when I get like this, but it's hard and I really can't help it.

I think people like me. I think this is true, but I don't feel like anyone really loves me. I can't remember the last time someone really told me they loved me in an earnest and genuine way. I hope my memory is just bad and that people do love me. Or care about me.

It feels like I'm just everyone's backup friend. Like they don't really want me, but I'm the next best choice when nobody else is around or when something goes wrong with their better friends. Like I'm just biding my time until all of my friends make new friends and move on from me. It makes me cry a lot, most days. I feel so hopeless.

Maybe I'm destined to never be someone's first choice, like I did something bad and it's some cosmic karma for every wrong decision I've ever made.

I just wish people liked me more. I wish I didn't get ignored or brushed off or talked over in my own server. Do they hate me? Did I do something wrong? Why am I not likeable and people's time and worth talking to? It feels like, no matter what, even in spaces with other weirdos, I'm always the odd man out. I'm the weird one, the laughing stock, the spectacle. If I stop dancing, people will stop looking at me.

I'm so scared of myself. When do I get to be happy? Why don't people like me? Sometimes I just feel like the world would be better if I wasn't part of it. I don't know what to do. I wish I was happy.

End journal