anonmomca

[anonmomca]

Getting Beyond the “B” Word

I want to talk about the B word. Not because its prevalence and sometimes tragic results are increasingly making news headlines, but rather I felt it was not touching my community. I am now the first to admit that I was blissfully unaware that bullying was occurring at my child’s elementary school until this B word turned our world utterly and unstoppably upside down. I want to share a few thoughts and lessons learned on this unexpected journey because children all over the world at some point in their school years will likely be affected by bullying whether they are the bully, the victim, or an innocent bystander who witnesses the bullying. Unfortunately I learned the hard way that there is more we as parents, schools, districts, and communities can and need to do to address the B word!

I chose to write this article anonymously to maintain my child’s privacy. However, I do think that these situations and issues need to be more out in the open.  I would have tremendously benefited from more concrete tools to help navigate our situation. In the news we hear about the tragic outcomes of bullying situations, but what we don’t hear about are parents’ perspectives and how they navigated these life changing situations.  

My child is the kid you see around school, on the sports field, and in the community. You know my child as a sweet, smiley, and fun-loving kid.  And yet, little did anyone know (including me) that my child was being bullied at school day after day.  It started with some name calling. Then it turned physical. I went to the principal who had the other child apologize and tell my child they would never do it again. Fast forward to the next school year. It happened again. Not just once or twice but daily for weeks and weeks even after the school administration and the district were made aware of the situation.   Over our two-year bullying journey, here are some things I learned about how bullying is currently handled at our school/district that might surprise you, because it surprised me:

1.  Avoiding the B Word:  Surprisingly, I noticed the administration avoids actually using the word “bullying”.  Perhaps this may be from fear of litigation, but it was something I could never truly figure out or understand. Instead, I heard that my child was experiencing “unkind and undesirable behavior” which “is not tolerated by the school/district.” And if the cause of the bullying is believed to be the result of a triangle of kids, it is treated as ‘typical’ kid drama. So many times, I was told that feelings are hurt and that is why my child was being treated that way.

2. Defining Zero Tolerance: Do you really know what zero tolerance means? Given all the suicides of young kids as a result of bullying, you would think zero tolerance means that the school/district does not allow bullying period…. in any size, shape, or form. Based on my experience, zero tolerance does not mean the unwanted behavior will be stopped. Rather, zero tolerance means that the school/district is doing something; whether it is effective or not.  For my child, it meant that my child was given easy access to report any incidents to school staff and the school counselor as well as trying to help empower my child.

3. Privacy Trumps Transparency: Due to privacy concerns, the school was not able to share what steps were taken with the other child, just that ‘something’ was being done. Day after day, it was completely obvious that the steps they were taking were not effective, yet I was continuously told the situation was being handled.

4. Victim vs. Bully: My child was treated like the bully. My child was the one who was expected to walk away and avoid interaction or the situation. My child spent a lot of time talking to yard supervisors and school counselors or had to find alternate places to enjoy recess or lunch like inside the library or classrooms to avoid the bully. And, I was told that my child was not reporting each incident immediately.

Here are some personal strategies that helped me.

1. Document everything. It is hard to remember all the details.

2. Communicate with your child. One of the hardest parts about this whole situation was feeling like I couldn’t protect my child. Despite me doing everything at the school/district level to get the bullying to stop, to my child it seemed as if the responsibility was solely on my child’s shoulders to feel safe at school or resolve the situation.

3. Talk about options or solutions with your child. Have your child make a list of what he/she thinks will stop the behavior and then discuss them. Ultimately it is your child who has to face the situation on a daily basis. Telling him/her or forcing him/her to do something that is not in his/her nature will not help the situation at all and in fact will likely cause more anxiety or stress for your child.

4. This is likely the hardest thing your child has experienced to date in school and maybe even life in general. However, this will not be the last time your child is faced with a difficult or damaging situation. Use this situation to teach your child how to stick up for themselves and how to make sure they are taking care of themselves.

5. Seek outside therapy. Sometimes help and advice is better received from others.

6. Don’t assume anything. After a year of bullying, I thought there was no way they would put my child in the same class with the child that bullied. If you don’t want your child to be in the same class with a bully say so. The school may need to be reminded of prior incidents as not everything will be documented and/or reviewed prior to making decisions on placement, etc.  

All parents, moving forward PLEASE do me two important favors:

1. Talk to your kids about bullying. If bullied, encourage your child to tell someone so that it can be addressed in the early stages. Also, explain the importance and encourage your child to report any incidents of bullying that they witness.

2. As a parent, please don’t take the ‘my child would never do that approach’. If you receive a call from your child’s teacher or principal, take it seriously and really look into the situation. Do not defend your child as a knee-jerk reaction or ignore the situation.

Here is what I want schools and school districts to consider, as there is more that CAN and SHOULD be done to effectively address bullying:

1. Do not tell children that when they are experiencing bullying, it is a result of someone’s feelings being hurt. Or when incidents are happening that they are likely just ‘accidents’ and ‘jokes’. Doing so diminishes the “victims” thoughts and feelings and increases the likelihood that they will believe the administration doesn’t really care. 2. Be able to articulate school policies on bullying. Parents don’t want to continuously hear “something” is being done. Parents want to know and understand the exact strategies and tactics at various stages. Parents want their child to feel the school is supporting them. A defined plan with steps and timeframes would be appreciated. 3. Follow through with action items that are agreed upon. When a parent requests something as easy as coming up with a code word or signal to help your child let an authority figure know something, do it. When you tell the parent of the child who is being bullied that you have advised the other student to stay away from your child, don’t make excuses as to why it is OK for the bully to sit at the same lunch table as the other child or why it is OK for the bully to follow the other child around campus.  

4. The ultimate resolution of the situation does not need to be remediation. Every child and every situation are different, so what may work in one situation may not be the right plan of action for another.  

5. Encourage and strongly recommend counseling for the bully as well as the family of the bully.   6. Implement best practices. Talk to other schools both in and out of the district to see how they deal with “unkind and undesirable behavior” and zero tolerance.

Getting beyond the B Word for us:

To get beyond the B word my child changed schools midyear. I have heard many reactions to this decision, including “you should have moved your child into a different class, you should have sued, what message is this sending to your child and the bully, etc.” Here is what I can tell you: My child’s goal was to have the bullying stop immediately.  The school had been aware of the situation for basically two years and certainly daily for the last 2 months, yet incidents continued every single day. How was my child supposed to stop the bully, when the bully was spoken to by the teacher, the principal, and the school counselor. In addition, the bully’s parents were spoken to by the principal on a couple of occasions.

Having my child feeling anxious and scared to go to school each day wondering what was going to happen was unhealthy. My child still has a lot of school years left and it is our job as parents to make sure our kids are safe at school. My child, my husband, and I knew we had done everything we could to stop this ASAP.  Sadly, on our extended list of possible options, this is the only one my child felt could guarantee this situation to stop. When all other options have been exhausted, sometimes you need to remove yourself from the negative situation. I am so proud of my child for being able to recognize this. It takes a lot of courage to switch schools (even more so during the middle of the year).  

My hope is that if children and families do find themselves in a bullying situation, moving schools is not the only effective option to make the bullying stop. Bullying is no joke and can be done by people that you would least expect to behave like that. Bullying can take many different forms, but all forms cause harm and/or emotional damage forever. So, I am asking every child, parent, teacher, and school administrator to truly take our story and lessons learned into consideration.

If you currently find yourself in this situation or have suggestions on bullying in schools in general, please feel free to contact me anonmomca@yahoo.com  

Together we can give a more tangible meaning to zero tolerance.