Delve into my depression with me - AFAB Genderfluid, they/them/he/him - messages are open | Level of suicidal urges/thoughts: None as of right now. Feeling heavy.
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Fun Fact
The Tumblr office adopted Tommy, an 11-year-old Pomeranian.
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When my mother tells me about my weight, it makes me feel like I could never be the woman she wanted me to be.
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Haven’t posted in a while
I’ll probably make a post at the very least every couple of months (or whenever I remember that this account exists) just so that nobody who stumbles upon it assumes that I’m dead (I realize that is a very plausible thing to believe considering the contents of my account)
So, updates!
I think I’m doing better? I can’t tell, most of the time I feel shitty, but the overwhelming weight and dark clouds surrounding my mind feel like they aren’t around as much or at least not as intrusive anymore.
I feel myself losing the desire to do anything half of the time.
A few things happened
I got into a car accident, I’m physically fine other than my shoulder flaring up in pain every now and again. I’m really mad about it, it shouldn’t have happened and now I’m too afraid to drive again, I was finally ready and the bitch set all of my progress back.
I broke up with my boyfriend, now ex I suppose. He didn’t really show me love and I doubted myself a lot, and then eventually my feelings faded, so I couldn’t keep leading him on. It hurts but I feel more right for it- I think I needed the time for myself and to improve as a partner.
Hm, not really sure what else to add.
I think I’ll be fine, but the days haven’t stopped feeling like an uphill battle, just less of a height to climb than before.
It’s hard.
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How do I disappear Without anybody knowing? Will anybody even miss me When I'm gone?
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I feel lonely
It’s honestly more comforting than other negative feelings. It’s familiar.
...I feel almost happy without being happy
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People can do whatever they want
I really shouldn’t care so much about what they do
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I’m like a gift
A gift that’s wrapped up in kinda shiny packaging, one that you’re excited to open because you think there’s something really good in there. You get your hands on it and start opening only to find out there’s so many layers of the ugliest and worst kind of wrapping paper and a whole lot of tiny pieces of tape barely holding it all together. As you open a bit more you realize you aren’t sure if it’s worth all the effort. The center may not even be worth all the trouble. So you give up, and if you haven’t, you should.
What’s inside is Schrodinger's girl. They’re simultaneously dead and alive, the alive part is desperately asking for the dead to wake up but all the dead does is pull the alive down.
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I can’t even begin to imagine how undesirable I must be...
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On a side note
I’ve started breaking some unhealthy habits! It’s been a full month since I’ve quit energy drinks and I’m making some progress on eating less snacks and wasting less money!
I’ve also started to gather more articles of clothing and accessories in my dressing style, it makes me feel a bit more like myself. I decided to redecorate my room too! It’s kinda slow, but I have a cool plan for it!
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He didn’t remember my birthday...
He remembered some random persons, but not mine
It’s in less than 2 weeks, I wonder if anyone else will remember. I haven’t made any plans or said anything just to see if they’ll shoot me a message just saying “happy birthday”.
I don’t want gifts, well, maybe one but not from the people I just wanna see if they remember it. All I want is them to remember it.
All I want is to be cared about.
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Anon getting jealous would be like
You wouldn’t notice at first, because they keep it to themselves. Lowkey makes them really sad and insecure though.
They’d start to feel bad about themselves, and get torn between leaving you alone so they don’t accidentally blow up at you, or desperately trying to get attention and affection.
They’d probably take a while to calm down first, so they don’t do anything to hurt anybody, especially you.
If it was ongoing, they’d continue trying to keep it inside but sometimes the emotions would boil over, causing you two to have to have a conversation about it.
These conversations don’t seem to do much, they’re afraid you’ll find someone better and leave them.
Logically, they know you love them, but they’re too insecure about their body and personality and can’t find a reason to like themselves.
If they decided to be honest with you, they’d feel awful for making you feel bad about it, and constantly start to reassure you and just express they need one thing to change.
If you changed the thing, they’d feel a bit better about themselves, starting to see that you saw their value and how you loved them.
They still want your attention and affection though, even though they never ask for it!
Just know they love you very much, and sometimes small things can make them insecure, they can’t react very well when the things they see strike a nerve in a really deep wound that’s been there for a long time.
They’d continue working hard on not being jealous, especially over really small things, and do their best to be a great partner for you because they love you.
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I have an idea
I think I wanna make a series of posts for “headcannons” on me, and write myself like a fictional character so that maybe I can see myself as one and like myself more.
I really only hate the perfect characters or ones that make me feel insecure, aside from really manipulative ones, so I think it’ll help.
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List of things I feel like I’ve been told
Note that these aren’t all from one person, and I’ve never been told these. Some of them also do not pertain to my current position.
“I don’t have time for you.”
“They’re so much better than you.”
“I’d rather look at her than you.”
“My feelings matter, yours don’t.”
“I don’t care that you aren’t feeling well, I come before you.”
“It doesn’t matter if you care about me, if you go out of your way to take the time to make me feel better, or if you were feeling like shit when you did it. I don’t have to do the same for you, but you must keep going.”
“You’re annoying.”
“Shut up.”
“You’re so ugly, but I don’t want to admit it because I know it will hurt, and there’s nothing you can do to fix it.”
“There’s nothing you can do to help. Ever. Stop trying.”
“I wish I was dating someone else.”
“I lied. I don’t love you.”
(The two above do not fully pertain to my current situation, however while they were unsaid I have evidence that the person felt that way the last time it went unsaid.
In regard to my current situation, I feel it but don’t have any proof, for now it’s only in my head.)
“Stop being insecure.”
“You don’t have the right to be jealous.”
“You make me feel uncomfortable.”
“I don’t like being around you anymore.”
“I never wanted to be around you.”
“I don’t feel safe enough to tell you about my feelings.” (this one may be the one that hurts the most)
I made this list to self loathe, but honestly it’s made me realize how all this is in my head.
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at least don’t lie to my face and tell me I’m someone you enjoy being around, when apparently nobody can so much as even tolerate me.
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