anonsthoughtcloud

[anonsthoughtcloud]

No Home

dust coated school pictures

doors with no knobs

rooms I can’t remember

glass sprinkled floors

too much of everything

towers tumbling

bitterness and yelling

the pile keeps falling

worse every year

expired memories

stale like all the food in the pantry

how tall can this stack get?

running, running

to anywhere that feels like home

vodka stolen from the cabinet

cigarettes off the ground

hell’s treasure hunt

too much NyQuil

mom’s pain pills

Dad’s old liquor

matted hair

dirty clothes

never friends over

no one can know

there’s nothing left

this shell was full years ago

how can so much

mean so little?

[anonsthoughtcloud]

Holes

waves come crashing in

the boat goes sinking down

the boat disappears

just waves, all around

who else was on the boat

at least I didn’t drown

the waves weren’t my fault

not my fault it went down

not my fault

not my fault

not my fault

I understood now

blame the waves

they were just reacting

to me in my boat

the water’s calm now

the boat finally resurfaced

the waves were just being waves

i left holes in my boat

the waves will come

and the waves will go

next time please

please patch the holes in your boat

[anonsthoughtcloud]

We haven't had the time to deal with the fact that lately I haven't loved you at all.

[anonsthoughtcloud]

Mom’s house

the tattered old house

I trudge through

trying not to look too hard

slinking through the cold pathways

all the walls and doors

any part of the house

crumbling, growing old

falling apart and collecting dust

what went on here?

I wonder

how did I lose 18 years?

my memories faded with the linoleum

dust and junk

surrounded by items

that are ten, twenty,

thirty, forty years old

i don’t remember our bathroom

i remember what it looks like

how it grabs me with cold hands

all I’ve seen is the door for ten years

how can such a nostalgic home

feel so cold and dead?

dust in the baseboards

dust in my soul

as I stare through tears

at the skeleton of a family home

I can’t help but wonder

what could have been

what if the garage door never

came off the hinges

what if I kept my room clean?

what’s going to happen..

to this home

the brightly filled

corpse of a place

I’ve never felt peace

I can’t look at anything the same

I didn’t understand until i grew up

why my older sibling was never home

and i was always so angry

what I fear now

is what’s to come

i don’t want to face this pain

the pain from my own home.

[anonsthoughtcloud]

Falling out

I did not think you could ever fall out of love the same way you fall for it. I did not think that I could care so much about a person and have those romantic feelings begin to fade. I guess they were right. You love them less after having to forgive them so many times while they love you more each time. Here we are and I’m done while they are merely just beginning to love me the way I loved them. 

[anonsthoughtcloud]

falling out of love i’d say is even worse than falling in love. u feel urself drifting apart from the one person ur comfortable with and u don’t know why. all u want to do is talk to them but the words don’t come out. all u want to do is listen to them but ur ears will block it out. and that’s hard to deal with. no matter how many times someone will say they r there for u it’s not those people u want it it’s them. that one person who means so much to me. who i would do anything for in a heart beat. ironic i’d do it in a heartbeat when my heart is barely clinging together.

first actual post wth

[anonsthoughtcloud]

and suddenly I found myself, alone, in quiet, nothing to distract me from whatever could be going on in my mind. and I sat with it, and realized that I’m not myself anymore. what am I, then? I’m everything around me but I’m not any certain point, not without everything around me. I’m a black hole; everything goes in, but it seems nothing comes back without being stripped to dust, dust of whatever was, whatever is. and then I come to wonder, what could have been?