anonwords

[anonwords]

i always think abt my cousin in greece who's like obsessed with american culture, bc ill say that im going to a barbecue and she'll be like "wow.... a real life american barbecue... will there be red cups?" you bet your ass there'll be red cups. take my hand. have a hot dog. all your dreams can come true here at the real life american barbecue

[anonwords]

HOW TO GIVE PERSONALITY TO A CHARACTER

Giving personality to a character is an essential part of character development in storytelling, whether you're writing a novel, screenplay, or creating a character for a role-playing game. Here are some steps and considerations to help you give personality to your character:

Understand Their Backstory:

Start by creating a detailed backstory for your character. Where were they born? What were their childhood experiences like? What significant events have shaped their life? Understanding their past can help you determine their motivations, fears, and desires.

2. Define Their Goals and Motivations:

Characters often become more interesting when they have clear goals and motivations. What does your character want? It could be something tangible like a job or a romantic relationship, or it could be an abstract desire like happiness or freedom.

3. Determine Their Strengths and Weaknesses:

No one is perfect, and characters should reflect this. Identify your character's strengths and weaknesses. This can include physical abilities, intellectual skills, and personality traits. Flaws can make characters relatable and three-dimensional.

4. Consider Their Personality Traits:

Think about your character's personality traits. Are they introverted or extroverted? Shy or outgoing? Kind or selfish? Create a list of traits that describe their character. You can use personality frameworks like the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator or the Big Five Personality Traits as a starting point.

5. Give Them Quirks and Habits:

Quirks and habits can make a character memorable. Do they have a specific way of speaking, a unique fashion style, or an unusual hobby? These details can help bring your character to life.

6. Explore Their Relationships:

Characters don't exist in isolation. Consider how your character interacts with others. What are their relationships like with family, friends, and enemies? These relationships can reveal a lot about their personality.

7. Show, Don't Tell:

Instead of explicitly telling the audience about your character's personality, show it through their actions, dialogue, and decisions. Let the reader or viewer infer their traits based on their behavior.

8. Create Internal Conflict:

Characters with internal conflicts are often more engaging. What inner struggles does your character face? These can be related to their goals, values, or past experiences.

9. Use Character Arcs:

Consider how your character will change or grow throughout the story. Character development is often about how a character evolves in response to the events and challenges they face.

10. Seek Inspiration:

Draw inspiration from real people, other fictional characters, or even historical figures. Study how people with similar traits and backgrounds behave to inform your character's actions and reactions.

11. Write Dialogue and Inner Monologues:

Writing dialogue and inner monologues from your character's perspective can help you get inside their head and understand their thought processes and emotions.

12. Consider the Setting:

The setting of your story can influence your character's personality. For example, a character who grows up in a war-torn environment may have a different personality than one raised in a peaceful, affluent society.

13. Revise and Refine:

Don't be afraid to revise and refine your character as you write and develop your story. Characters can evolve and change as the narrative unfolds.

Remember that well-developed characters are dynamic and multi-faceted. They should feel like real people with strengths, weaknesses, and complexities. As you write and develop your character, put yourself in their shoes and think about how they would react to various situations. This will help you create a compelling and believable personality for your character.

[anonwords]

Advice for writing relationships

Ship Dynamics

How to create quick chemistry

How to write a polyamorous relationship

How to write a wedding

How to write found family

How to write forbidden love

Introducing partner(s) to family

Honeymoon

Date gone wrong

Fluffy Kiss Scene

Love Language - Showing, not telling

Love Language - Showing you care

Affections without touching

Giving the reader butterflies with your characters

Reasons a couple would divorce on good terms

Reasons for breaking up while still loving each other

Relationship Problems

Relationship Changes

Milestones in a relationship

Platonic activities for friends

Settings for conversations

How to write a love-hate relationship

How to write enemies to lovers

How to write lovers to enemies to lovers

How to write academic rivals to lovers

How to write age difference

Reasons a couple would divorce on good terms

Reasons for having a crush on someone

Ways a wedding could go wrong

Arranged matrimony for royalty

If you like my blog and want to support me, you can buy me a coffee or become a member! And check out my Instagram! 🥰

[anonwords]

tuesday jul 12

Adrian and I were together for 4 months. We broke up on our anniversary and we said it was mutual. but then he decided that I used him, and that we couldn't be friends. I don't know how but it flipped a switch in my brain where I thought i was a bad person. I started having these awful thoughts that I felt I couldn't control. they still happen every day. but I have to keep reminding myself that i'm not a bad person. some days are better than others, and it has gotten better, but I just hope it won't always be like this. the worst part is telling my mom everything is okay when I don't feel ok. but I know she loves me and will always love me. I wish the panic attacks would stop. maybe if i talked to leo about it he could help me, but he has his own problems to deal with. I have made mistakes in the past, but I know in my heart im not a bad person. I have to remind myself that I just care so much and am so full of love and kindness that I will one day find someone who cares about me. I just didn't think it would hurt like this. spending my days in a constant state of worry is so exhausting. but i just have to wait for my ideas to take, and they are taking, little by little.

[anonwords]

Fri Jan 21

This week my mom had two breakdowns and even accused my dad of cheating on her. Me and Lucas both assured her that we didnt believe he would be that cruel and disrespectful. She told me he wouldnt let her see his phone and they got into an argument about it and he said we would stay the night at a house hes working on. it sounded fishy but I honestly believe he would never do that to her. my dad is a lot of things but a cheater he is not. theyre ok now but even last night she stayed at her moms house. I dont want to write abt it anymore but its just so annoying where its been taken. just try to make it work or fuckin split but I know my mom would be so sad. I hate thinking about it.

I also started the class at second city! I met the class and the instructor and I even made him laugh! hes a great improvisor so I'm really excited abt what he has to share with us. the class has ten people including me and theyre all so diverse in themselves and what they do. two of them are good friends and are icu nurses and one guy is even from europe and he wants to learn about american comedy. im so excited to learn and its so great ill be around like minded people. class is every sunday until may and im gonna soak it all in.

I started talking to a new boy from tinder. his name is Adrian and hes really cute and sweet. we actually have quite a bit in common but i want to take it really slow. I havent been in a dominant headspace for a long time, not since andrew. but my feelings havent been reciprocated when I was submissive so I'm trying this again. its been a little difficult relearning how to be more masculine and to practice ive been trying to think more dominant thoughts when I mastubate. but honestly andrew kind of fucked me up with that stuff and i've been in a sub mindset for so long i dont know if ill be able to fully go back. Adrian is very much a bottom and hes so cute and sweet and I just hope he's not grossed out by my teeth or my weight. and if we do have sex I hope to all the gods and the universe I don't embarrass myself. I'm just not used to this and i dont know if it will be right for me, but I guess thats the meaning of life: finding the answers for yourself.

[anonwords]

sunday december 26th

its been a while since i last wrote here, and there are a few notable events. both my parents got very sick with covid, and my dad was actually close to dying. he developed pneumonia from the covid and all he would do was cough and cough, and cough some more. he told me through it all, he just wanted to sleep, because the cough kept him up for days. he went to the hospital and my mom was a nervous wreck, from covid beating her down and dad not being by her side. he was in the hospital for a week or so, and when he came back he was just so fucking skinny. skinny like when he was a kid. i almost burst into tears when he walked through the door, but since then, both my parents have gotten vaccinated. theres a new variant that has overtaken delta in the US called omicron. theyve brought back mask mandates for indoor establishments and theyre urging everyone to get vaccinated and boosted. people still don't believe its a big deal, but if i write about it anymore, im just going to get upset.

I met a guy on tinder named gabriel, and we dated a couple times. then I saw him at a halloween party that a mutual friend was having and he was sick from too high a dosage from an edible. he kissed me on our previous date and that got me very excited to see him again on halloween, but he was throwing up too much and he wasn't himself. he apologized for his indulgence but it honestly wasnt a big deal to me since ive gotten myself sick plenty of times from weed. but he got distant after that and i really dont know why, even after assuring him i didnt think less of him. i send him memes from time to time or other things associated with his interests and hes polite but i dont think he wants to see me anymore. he's so tall and handsome and really sweet but ig i'm not what he wants. i know i shouldn't beat myself up over it but i really did start to like him. how do men just know exactly when to pull the knife out? yesterday he said i was cute after i sent him something pokemon related and i told him he was handsome and he liked the message so maybe theres a chance but i dont know if i want to keep putting the effort if he just like randomly clams up. i wish he would say what he means.

there is a new guy im talking to, but i don't think it'll be anything serious either. we matched a while ago on tinder and he threw his game and i threw mine back but then he just stopped messaging. then a couple days ago he just picked up where he left off and started throwing more game and like a fool im just eating it all up. he's into chubby short dudes apparently since he calls me things like "little furry guy" and "sweet fuzzy boy" and idk how to feel about that honestly. he's also six-foot-six so i already know to him im just one more prospective hoe in his rotation. he takes hours to respond even though he says he's sick at home. there i go again, feeling too much right at the beginning. but arent i at least worth a text back? I guess ive just been feeling really lonely lately, with the cold weather and all.

I started working at a sandwich shop in hillcrest called Ike's in october. I work full time and it's honestly the most easiest shit in the world. All i do all day is make sandwiches or use the slicer to slice veggies or protein, maybe portion if it's slow and besides the normal kitchen responsibilities, that's it. PLUS i think i've proven myself quite useful in the kitchen and i think my boss kind of trusts me. I really want this job to be the last one before i make any kind of career decisions.

there is something i'me very excited about: In january ill be starting a writing class at Second City!!! this is the first formal writing class i've ever taken, and it will focus mainly on sketch writing. there are six level and if it goes well, I think ill take them all. I also want to take the improv class, but that would mean I'd have to drive up to LA for that. but I think it'll be worth it to refine my (raw) talent. in all seriousness I hope it works out because writing is something i've always been good at. all my teachers have put great emphasis on my writing ability and even though i haven’t kept up as much, I know im a good writer, even a great one. but I want to sharpen my skills, so this is where i'll start. then once i take the classes i'm hoping i can get scouted by SNL writer and they'll throw me a bone, hopefully. I heard Lorne will be stepping down in a few years and I really hope i get to carry on the legacy. just a chance, at least.

i think thats all for now. wish me luck, and Happy New Year.

[anonwords]

saturday august 7

my parents and my brother have covid, and even though im fully vaccinated, i have it now too. my boss was mad when i called out this morning. my dad doesnt want the vaccine, even now as i hear him coughing his lungs out in the next room, and because of that my mom also never got the vaccine, so they also just didn't vaccinate my brother. now we're all sick. yesterday i started having a stuffy nose, and today i woke up with a stuffy head. maybe if i lose my sense of taste i can finally lose weight, since there really won't be a point to eating. i cant afford to keep missing work but i just feel really guilty about being around lots of people. none of this would have happened if they were vaccinated. im just so mad and disappointed at the blatant disregard for science and other people. i just hope i dont lose my sense of smell and taste. ive fantasized for so long how one day ill be able to cook for my man and smell how good he smells. above all else that would kill me.

[anonwords]

monday july 28th

josh is quitting yt and he says hes gonna go to college. he tells me that he's tired of working shitty jobs and that hes getting too old and hes feeling self conscious abt his current situation. a part of me wanted to tell him not to give up like i have in the past, but honestly its a kind of a huge weight off my shoulders. hes starting to pay me back all the money he owes me and then he'll go his own way. so as it stands i don't have really anything holding me back from fulfilling my dream of being a writer for snl. i still havent written my five year plan and i really need to to that, but maybe after the yosemite trip. im getting payed pretty well and then i'll just need to fix my car. or trade it in, i don't know what to do.

omar told me he saw andrew at a bar he was at and i know i shouldnt feel like i do about him still but its kind of difficult to just forget about a person. what happened between us happened and i truly just wanted to be friends but he doesnt have the same energy as he did before he sucked my dick. i try to remind myself about all the reasons it wouldnt work if we were together and its pretty sound logic. but nobody ive talked to feels the same way about stuff like him and i do. he has great taste and i really enjoyed talking to him. i wish i never met him. i tried to suggest we could be something more but he just shuts me down. maybe i just need to talk to new people. for a while i didnt want to talk to anyone because i had plans to leave sd and now that i know ill be here for a bit longer, i think i want to meet someone. i think that would be the best for me. im tired of being lonely. my mom was talking to me the other day about her best friend from her childhood, and asked me about my best friends. i told her i never really had a best friend, that i've had close friends, but never someone who i could completely confide in and not feel judged. someone that would be there for me and vice versa. i told her that ive never had one because every time i've tried, i just end up falling for them. physical attractiveness is probably like the third or fourth most important thing for me in a person, and just by talking with someone for the first time i can tell if theres potential for something more. i love my good friends but i feel like they don't know the real me. and when ive started to try and make deeper connections with my good friends, i start having feelings for them. i told my mom this and she said that that breaks her heart that i don't know what its like having someone whos down for you like she was with her best friend. ive been coping with the loneliness for as long as i can remember. sometimes i just wish my attraction to others was more black and white. i know that's close-minded thinking but its so lonely. always thinking i could meet someone that is more perfect for me than the last. never really sticking with someone. its painful. maybe one day i'll make peace with it. for now ill just play it by ear.

[anonwords]

friday may 7th

Just got a job at Petco Park as a barback, so I'm finally getting the bar experience I need to be a bartender! I'm literally so excited to not only have a job, but a job that's NOT gonna leave me smelling like fried fish all the time. Plus the tips will be fantastic since it's gonna be the bar that serves the boxes right behind home plate, and you know those mf's are rich as fuck. SO now i just gotta keep saving for my own place with josh or another friend.

I've decided I want to become a writer for SNL. I'm going to write up a five year plan and hopefully near the end of the plan I'll be living in NY or LA waiting to be discovered. In the meantime I'll keep writing, and I'll even try to join an improv group, because I think that would be very therapeutic. I really want friends that are like me and want the same things. I've watched the snl documentary from james franco and all my friends say it looked like a nightmare, but i was completely captivated and inspired by what these people do. Stay up all night, writing jokes, writing with OTHER funny people! It honestly has been a dream for so long to work for snl. I dream about my life in new york and it is what ive always wanted. And if I don't make it, I'll at least meet like-minded people, and we can anywhere from there. It's a win-win in my book.

[anonwords]

monday april 12 2020

In 7 days I will receive my second dose of the Pfizer vaccine for covid-19. Soon I'll be approved for the special pandemic assistance from the state plus what the govt is kicking in extra. a little less than what i've been receiving but it will have to be enough until september. I really don't want to go back to work as a fryer. I hate coming home, smelling like oil and ruining clothes. Last night I spilled cognac onto my mac keyboard, ruining the machine. bought a newer used one today for 500 dollars less than if I bought it brand new. I'm down to 500 dollars until I get back on assistance. josh has been MIA for a few days until he finally texted me today. he said he's been "busy" and i sure fuckin hope so. after giving him damn near everything i have, i somehow end up getting burned in the end. he owes me thousands but is nowhere to be found when im nearly broke from having to buy another mac. i just hope he's earning enough to pay me back. i saw him post on his story a little baggy of white powder. I swear to god if he's buying drugs with my money, it's over.

Ive been doing therapy with a guy whos p young for a therapist, but it's free so its whatever. this guy really wants me to talk to my dad abt all the problems he's given me since birth, and I am just not ready for that conversation. someday i will be, but that won't be anytime soon.

[anonwords]

monday (cont.)

god i was writing the last entry at like 5:30 am. I havent written anything because hardly anything good has happened, and if i write about it, it will make me feel as bad as it did when it was happening. it so hard to not feel low these days. i have a fucking problem where i just spend and spend until i dont feel bad anymore. but then it goes away and i need more things. things in place of what i really want. so instead of buying things, i just get high. weed of course, im not a complete degenerate yet. i cant drink because of my liver, so weed is the only option. but when i smoke, or ingest, i need the really heavy stuff. and most the heavy stuff will make me hungry. so i try to only eat a little bit of food throughout the day so i can eat whatever when im high. ive gained so much weight though. jackets that id swim in are now a little too tight. its so hard to be active, especially since we keep going in and out of lockdown. i just really need this vaccine. i need to be vaccinated so i can go back to work.

my mom started drinking again after being sober for about a year. and just like that, shes back to being depressed and having 4 day hangovers. i feel angry when i know i should be compassionate. but this has been happening for years. I left for LA and when i came back to visit, she was like this. in bed all day, hardly a word out of her. she starts eating all this microwavable food, she stops cooking. when she upset, theres just an atmospheric dread that permeates the house. i dont feel good at all. in between this sentence and the last, we had an argument about how the kitchen is always messy and its too small, and how ive asked both my parents to fix the lights in the kitchen because i cant see shit. the big light has been out for months and the stove light has been the only source of light, besides sunlight, which we hardly get at all because our windows face the opposite direction and he have a staircase and upper walkway blocking it. ive asked my dad so many times to fix it, because he’s the one at home depot the most and i just dont see the hassle or trouble picking up a fucking lightbulb at least for the stove. if i cant fucking see i cant do fucking anything. my mom asked me to make steak sandwiches and i made the steak but got pissed off because i couldnt see if the steak was cooked properly. so i finished and sat down at my mac because i didnt want to spend another second in that dark ass kitchen. so then my mom comes out and gets all pissy because i didnt finish making the sandwiches and because shit wasnt put away from when she went shopping i keep reminding her its because theres no space and i cant put stuff up high because she cant reach, and theres no space in the fridge because she didnt listen to me about how it should be organized. then she starts saying all this and that about how no one picks up after themselves and how the kitchen is the least of her worries and that made me so fucking hot i wanted to argue so much more but i didnt. she started saying all this stuff about if me and your dad didnt do it, then you should have because youre grown and how everyone is always putting stuff on her when were all grown (a comment that comes from an argument she had with her sister the other day). i just said its a little different when i ask you for something because your my mom and i went to my room. they just gave me 200 for the internet bill that is high as fuck because my dad didnt read the fine print and now thats somehow all on me because its in my name. btw my dad is nowhere to be found during this argument, as usual. not even to try to keep peace or acknowledge where one of us is wrong. i swear to god they act like providing us with the bare minimum is all that matters and they wonder why i dont really talk to them about stuff. i just want to be alone. no fucking room to think in this paper walled box. but then if i leave, my mom might get bad like she is now, and i won’t be there to comfort her. my brother is so fucking tone deaf with this shit and all he does is play video games all day and he cant even think past himself. it makes me so sick that we are so different. i know i should be easier on my mom. she doesnt have a mom to go to so i should be grateful. i know i should especially since its almost christmas and she needs the feeling of christmas. my brother wont comfort her, my dad sure as shit won’t, not in any meaningful way. so its up to me like its always been when she feels depressed. i know i shouldn’t be bitter like this but why does it feel like i am? i just want a normal fucking home life and not have to walk on eggshells waiting to put everything on hold to try to fix my mom. i should delete what ive written because i feel so terrible feeling this way. what if she was gone tomorrow, and this is how i felt about her? i need a therapist.

[anonwords]

monday dec 21st

the govt has finally agreed on a budget for pandemic help. a one time payment of 600 dollars and 300 extra dollars a week for unemployment. so we’re at half of what we were getting. i swear to god if we dont win the senate majority in january. joe biden is going to be the 46th president of the united sates and i dont really know whether to laugh or cry. i know how terrible he is but at least hes not you know who. im running out of money after i foolishly gave a third of my savings to josh for rent. he owes me 2000 now. im not bitter really but i just dont know why he couldnt pay me back when stuff was going great at his job before he got fired. i just feel so terrible though since he still cant find a job. he might have to live in his car with no tags. my parents are trying to get a house and have already said its ok if josh were to live with us, only when we have a house though. christmas is so close but it hasnt felt like christmas for me in so long. god im writing so frantically because im tired and i havr to pee and i havent written in so long and my fucking brother is still awake and i cant sleep if hes still awake. I should address some things that are big that is happening right now: we have a safe vaccine against covid 19, joe biden and kamala harris won the presidential race, and I have hep c, which was given to me from my nana, who died 8 years ago. theres literally no ther way i couldve gotten it from someone else. she had it for years, and it led to cirrhosis, and thats how she died. if its been in me for 8 years, who knows what kind of damage its done? but the important thing is that im not having any symptoms of cirrhosis. like at all. im seeing a specialist on the 30th and theyll tell me more. treatment for it takes about a month, with an option for an oral medication. which makes me fell like its not the end of the world, since I can only pass it to others through blood. I had to text andrew to let him know because i did brush my teeth that day and we made out for a bit so he could have gotten it from me. he didnt seem worried though when he replied. I feel so stupid. so utterly stupid for feeling the way i felt about him. he literally didnt have to tell me that he wanted a relationship, wayyyy the fuck after the fact. i was just about over him until he said that. then i questioned everything, and got infatuated like i do. and for what? all so he could invite me over to halfway suck my dick and not even finish me? and then even the bare fucking minimum was too much for him in the end. but i still think of him. still my mind wanders back to those conversations, those fleeting moments of closeness. he could never be close to anyone. god i feel like a fucking fool even typing this out. i fell for the gmaes he played. like... im so good. im so kind and sweet and youd never feel coldness from me. i am so warm, and caring, and affectionate. all i wanted in the beginning was to treat him kindly. maybe even take care of him if he let me. im pretty self aware at all times and i know if im being toxic or distant or too close and i guess what im trying to say is i dont know what i did wrong. he ghosted me, i took the hint. took me a while because im so goddamn lonely, but i unfollowed him and blocked him and i was done. and then he reaches out to me talking about im sorry and lets be friends and i shouldve said no. but i was being thrown a bone of attention and i can’t have anyone feeling negative towards me so of course i said yeah its ok.  and all the bullshit that has since followed is just... so beneath me. i just need to get the fuck out of here. really and truly save all my money and fucking go. josh needs to figure it out because we need to be together in la. i dont know what hes gonna do but hes gotta do it fast. i just need someone new. someone else to get my mind off him. i feel like everything is slipping away. im getting high every day. its the only thing i have to look forward to at the moment. my friends have jobs nowand we havent played games in awhile. fuck this im too tired ill write the rest tomorrow.

[anonwords]

thursday 29 october 2020

dSo i went to andrews place tonight to chill and hangout. a few months ago he texted me randomly, which was odd considering we only message each other through socail media. He texts me that we should hangout soon and I agree, but after a few days I guess he lost interest. so on monday of this week he messages me through insta talking about “when are you gonna come over and hangout?”. this after he told me he was gonna get back to me about when I should come over two months ago. so I say how about wednesday night and he agrees. I go over to his place and we share an edible and smoke a blunt and then we start chillin on the couch. he makes me watch a bunch of fan made music videos of songs by frank, lana, sufjan. this goes on for hours. we get food and just sit on the sofa, watching the fancams. then he decides we should go to his room since his roommate was coming home. we get on his bed and we lie next to each other. we would talk and he would get closer to me. he finally gets really close and puts arm around my belly, and his head on my shoulder. I put my hand on his head and start playing with his hair. we do this for about ten minutes, i start to get hard and i hoped he didnt see how eager I was, and he asks if I want to do something. I chuckle and he starts saying its ok if i dont and i say that i do want to start doing something. he gets on top of me and we start making out. he grinds his hard dick against my leg and starts moaning, and I start rubbing it. we take our pants off and he starts sucking my dick. I was so afraid of cumming too fast so I stay half hard. he keeps sucking and i keep telling him how good he is. Then he stops, and asks if he came on me. I say no and he gets up to get a towel. I look over and see his cum on the sheets next to me. he brings a towel to clean up and then he just lays next to me. I pull my pants up and he puts back on the frank we were listening to. he starts dozing off and he starts getting anxiety about what he just did with me. I tell him not to worry about it but he definitely kept worrying about it. I kept telling him it was ok but he said he felt like he wasnt ready to do something like that. we took a walk because he was feeling claustrophobic and when we got back, he told me i could sleep in his bed if I was tired, and that he would sleep in his roommates room. I took the hint. I told him I was fine enough to drive, which I was, and he kept telling me I could stay if i wanted. I said I was fine enough to drive and he walked me to my car. 

I dont know what i went over there for. he didnt even finish me. I feel kind of used right now, honestly. I know it probably wasnt a big deal, but Im starting to feel some type of way about it. I break quarantine to see him, and he doesnt even make me cum. I didnt see his dick the whole time. I couldnt even really get a word in because he talked so much, and when I did say something, he kind of just ignored me. this wasnt a date or anything but at the same time, it kind of meant something to me, and I feel like he just kind of used me. I’m just done now I think with him. I felt like we were having a great time and he just switched on me. theres so much ive wanted to do with him for so long, but now i feel those wants are just gone now. he always does this. he’s just not emotionally available. I’m not saying I’m in love with the guy, but we had a connection for a moment and then he just like yanked the plug. ive been so lonely that I just kept ignoring the signs. hoping he’d be as intimate with me as I want to be with him. with any boy. i just wanted him to fall asleep on me, so i could smell his hair. I wanted him to rub my belly, and tell me sweet things like i’d told him. I don’t even want that all the time, but just once, I want someone to reciprocate those feeling, just for a night.

he kept telling me is wasnt my fault for him acting weird and I just kept thinking... uh yeah buddy it sure aint me. I swear to god im just gonna start asking outright if the person i want to hook up with can be emotionally fulfilling. god damn.

[anonwords]

monday october 12

  i dont really know what to write about since nothing interesting happens often. and i don’t want to write anything hopeful since the virus is still at a critical level in the us, and election day is less than a month away which just adds to the stress and grimness, since all the polls say biden will beat trump but that exactly what was predicted on election day 4 years ago. tr*mp says if he wins, then its the will of the people but if he loses its rigged and he won’t transfer power. they asked this mf point blank to denounce white supremacy and he told his followers to stand by. i hate thinking about all that because it’s scary to think what will happening the future if he’s elected again. im not saying biden is gonna solve everything but he’ll do a hell of a better job than whats happening now. 45 has let 220,000 americans die from the virus, and he might join them since being diagnosed a week ago. doctors say he’s fine but the same has been said about another conservative figure who was just as old as trump. it took a month for him to die, and the last time we saw 45 in public he was gasping for air. i hope he dies that way.

  Omar’s bday was last night and I got him michael jackson’s off the wall picture vinyl. i also bought the cake, which was fantastic. his girlfriend didn’t come, which was great because i don’t know if seeing her would’ve done to me. I didn’t drink, just smoked and we played cards. he was very fucked up off an edible i made for him, with the weed i was smoking. im so happy he liked it. he loved the cake too, which i would’ve baked for him but that would’ve been too much (I still need to maintain a level of deniability when it comes to my feeling for him). I didn’t sit next to him but I found myself staring when i started to smoke, as the strain I smoke, gelato, typically makes me really hungry, and really horny (its the perfect date strain). his lips looked so soft, and his hair is so cute. he says he’s balding but I don’t mind. he’s always going to be so handsome. his mother loves me but i don’t know how she’d feel if we were together. would she let me stay the night like she let his past girlfriends?

  Josh told me he lost his job at amazon because he accidentally left early. Literally probably the hardest worker in the whole damn warehouse, and they just up and fired him. he said he’s gonna find a job and i think he wont ask for money because he had been pulling in a thousand a week at amazon for a while. I want to be up there, and all that needs to happen is that i need to fix my car. then find a job obviously. build some credit, build work history while staying with josh, and we can get an apartment. but I’m still kind of iffy on working. there are the obvious health reasons, and I was making a lot of money on unemployment. when they start giving more again, I’ll be saving a lot. but if i find a job, I will make Significantly less money. and then i’ll start to have to pay for car insurance and rent and i want to get my teeth fixed and it’s just a really stressful time right now. 

  So this week r*an haywood of ach*evement hunter and ad*m kovic of funh*us were fired from r*oster teeth, the parent company of both those properties, for engaging in extramarital affairs with fans of the companies. the first lets plays i ever watched were from ah, since 2013, back when it was classic ah with the classic lineup of geoff, gavin, michael, ray, jack, and ryan. just six guys in a room screaming at each other over min*craft or gta. I discovered funhaus when roosterteeth acquired them in 2016 or 17, and I have been hooked since then. classic lineup included bruce, james, lawrence, spoole, elyse, joel, peake, and adam. much edgier content, and an older demographic. these guys were just on another level of comedy and gaming. this past wednesday, a google drive link was posted to 4ch*n, that included hundreds of pictures taken by adam of himself nude and in lewd positions, all screenshotted by a fan he was sending them to over instagram. there were some photos of ryan as well, and some are alleging he raped a minor, but its all here-say at this point. all the members of their respective groups made tweets talking about how shocked and hurt they were (some were less than surprised and made tweets explicitly calling out adam, and some tweeted cryptic song lyrics that represented the situation well). they say never meet your heroes and over the past five years, i think thats becoming a proven point. Im still attracted to adam, even though i know he’s an asshole cheater. i remember just absolutely drooling over his big arms and chest, and when burnie burns confirmed he had the biggest cock in the company, i was over the moon. well let me just say that’s the last straw for me. no more white men for me EVER. im totally done with them. its sad to see adam leave when so many of the original lineup have gone (its just james and elyse now). it really won’t be the same now. ah will survive this, and i will just have to wait until they put out official response videos up explaining everything.

  it’s fall now, and cuffing season is upon us. I wonder what its like to have someone that is truly invested into you, who make it their business to make you feel cared for. I want the weather to be cold soon, so i can just lay in bed all day and cuddle my body pillow and be warm, and think about my future man and all the ways i’ll take care of him and all the ways he’ll take care of me. i wanna make him soup and bake pies and keep him full and he’ll take me to the pumpkin patch and it will be cloudy and we might even hold hands. just boys being boys. dressed nice and warm with flannels and hoodies and boots. i would even drink coffee again and we’d sit at the coffee shop and hold hands to keep warm. my small hands in his big strong hands. just a thought ive been kicking around in my head.

[anonwords]

last night omar said he and the girl are officially dating. he talked about her for a minute and i just stayed quiet. kind of ruined my night honestly. I know ill never be with him but it still hurts hearing him talking about other people. i should be happy for him. he might have the right one for him. i just know i could be the best one though. maybe if i stop jacking off to him i’ll feel better. thats gonna be a challenge. maybe if i was smaller, or skinnier or more feminine he’d like me. all those times we do stuff together like going to the tyler show or walking around taking photos or even just driving him home, all those times i pretend he’s my boyfriend, and the drive home by myself is when i can keep pretending a little longer. i just wish he could see. i wish i could tell him and it wouldnt be awkward between us. i would just die if i made him uncomfortable in any way, but a part of me needs to tell him, even though it could be weird between us after. i’ll probably just go through life always holding a torch for him, and he’ll always live in a soft spot in my heart. I’ll watch him get married and have kids and i hope it wont sting as much as it does now. im just so lonely

[anonwords]

here i am, jealous all over again. Omar has a new girl that hes been talking to since last year and today he put a selfie of him and her together. I saw that and it cut me up a little. I think love is a strong word, so I won’t say that i love him, but I really do have deep feelings for him. I stay quiet when he talks about her with our friends. it just hurts to be so overlooked, easily cast aside, when I know i could be the best thing for him. i just have so much affection id give to him. i really think i could be the perfect boy for him. but no such thing will happen, i know that. the thing with leo is that even though i swoon whenever i see him, i just have to remember who he is, and i stop wanting him beyond sex. but omar is just... like almost everything i want in a guy. damn near perfect. his cheekbones when he smiles, his lips are soooo perfect. his hands are perfect, his skin the perfect shade of brown. he dresses so cute, he doesn’t even try, and he can be really smooth when he talks, i blush just thinking about if he spoke to me that way. and he’s so sweet, but that dumb kind of sweet that is so adorable. his hair is so cute. he tells me hes balding but i dont care. he would really take care of me. and i would try and work so hard to satisfy all his needs and wants and just everything i think he’d want in a boy. id be so soft and sweet to him. id lay on his chest, rubbing his chest and his tummy until he fell asleep. and then i could listen to his heart beat until i fell asleep. and id wake up before him and give him secret little kisses on his chest before he woke up, just the littlest kisses only i knew about. and hed wake up and call me baby and id rub my face into his chest, like a good little pup. so eager to please. my eyes would be so big every time i looked up at him. and he’d tell me how good i am. thats all i ever would want to hear from him, more than an “i love you”. i hust want him to tell me how good i am, how much of a good boy i am, just for him. his good little baby. his. my top lip would tremble a bit before i start to kiss his chest again, and hed kiss the top of my head, inhaling my scent. his favorite smell. i would be putty in his hands, i would be his little sweet baby, i would cook for him, and make our place look nice, i would please him in any way he wanted, i would give him all the pleasure and physical affection he would ever need. id be completely his, no one could ever take me from him. i would give him all this, and all he has to do is ask.

[anonwords]

I had two dreams last night. One doesn’t make much sense to me but the other kind of makes sense. The first one was kind of frightening; i was alone in the dark searching for a way back to my house (not my real home, some house that was my house in the dream.). I eventually made it there and there was a man who closely resembled someone I’ve seen on social media. He was shirtless and i tried making out with him but he kind of just stood there.

The second dream was kind of a big mish mash of stuff. I was living in some misty mountain town that was the epitome of picturesque. There was a girl who liked me, and we were going to have sex, until my father told me i had to help him at work. I told her i would be back and we kissed. Then i just kind of remember walking along the road, it was the early morning, and the sun was in my eyes. The road was a Main Street in this little town tucked into the Pacific Northwest. Trees taller than heaven lined the road for miles. My dream jumped to me in a high school bathroom, trying to use pull up bars to make it across the bathroom without touching the ground. It felt like i was playing a video game and experiencing what was happening at the same time. Eventually it stopped feeling like a game and it felt real again. Old teachers started talking to me, i couldn’t see their faces. I overturned some trash cans so i could jump on them to make it out the door, and my teachers applauded my cleverness.

The dream split into two series of events, and i don’t remember which occurred first. One series saw me winning four Grammy awards, for something i don’t remember and i don’t remember going to any ceremony. I went home (which was our old house) and told my mom, in which she told me to put it next to the other four that i already had. The other series was me returning from work with my dad that i don’t remember, and hoping the girl from earlier still wanted to have sex. We met up and i think someone else was there, but we were standing in front of my house, at dawn, but it felt like dusk. The sky was grey and it was foggy. Just chilly enough. I was wearing my Lover sweater. I commented on how beautiful everything was. We started walking and the sun started to rise, and the sky was becoming prettier and prettier. We were walking on a ridge, and then i woke up. I still remember how soft her lips were.