anonymouscapybara

[anonymouscapybara]

I know you wanted me away But I am called to be the first Pope from the USA I heard that there's a special place where God talks directly to me every time I pray

I'm having holy dreams, of ruling the Holy See Hear Santa Monica, her son is calling me Won't make the bishops proud, the USCCB Will see their bro in Christ, I know they're gonna scream

"God, what will you do? You once were our boy, then you went to Peru," oh Fathers I'm on the balcony In my vestments, they elected me as the

[anonymouscapybara]

Every new pope has been a missed opportunity for a Pope Sixtus VI

[anonymouscapybara]

If I ever learn to program I want to make an AI that just writes a bunch of bullshit on the internet

[anonymouscapybara]

would be hilarious if it worked, but probably the natural result of this is a CDU/CSU situation on steroids?

Election system that would probably be bad and make everyone angry: mandatory multi-party coalitions, as each party is forbidden by law from holding more than twenty percent of parliamentary seats. If a party would win a seat past that threshold, votes are reallocated using some form of ranked choice voting.

[anonymouscapybara]

MAP kinase kinase kinase – MAPKKK for short – is a kinase which acts upon MAP kinase kinase. What does it mean to act upon? Nitric acid acts upon trousers. MAPKKK acts upon map kinase kinase. MAPKKK is a zinglon which verbs upon mxyzptlk. What does it mean to be a kinase? Is a kinase when you don't fuck because you're literally Kankri?

A kinase – formed from Greek κινέω 'to set in motion, move, remove; to change; to anger; to arouse; to meddle; to inflect' and Neo-Greek -ase 'enzyme' – is an enzyme which, per Wikipedia, "catalyzes the transfer of phosphate groups from high-energy, phosphate-donating molecules to specific substrates". What is a phosphate group? If the molecules are phosphate-donating – is this a sexual orientation? a gender? am I load-donating? would I be were I not Kankri? am I more of a Kankri or an Aranea, do you think? – why must they be catalyzed? Why must they be aroused?

A catalyst is a thing which causes, and which, in causing, is unaffected. Like the platinum and rhodium that junkies want to steal from your car. Like Tucker Max, in the sacred texts, before the l*nghouse banned books about fucking, trying to get his friend SlingBlade who can't shut the fuck up about Batman laid, going to such heroic, epic, biblical lengths that at times he jumps on the blue-balls grenade, to tell SlingBlade, dude, shut the fuck up about Optimus Prime, or fuck the hot nerd girl's fat friend. Later he says the bitch word through a megaphone and shits himself in the lobby of a hotel so it's fine. Even later he gets over his phase, marries a nurse and has 2.5 kids and has to explain to his son why he can never set foot in a Quality Inn, what the fuck? We used to be a country. We used to be a kinase. A kinase is an enzyme which catalyzes the transfer of phosphate groups from high-energy, phosphate-donating molecules to specific substrates.

Is a phosphate group a group containing phosphorus? The element which, discovered by Henning Brand, the world-historical pervert who boiled gallons of his piss, kicked off the Alchemical Revolution, which centuries later led to Glenn Seaborg's completion of the Work of the Philosopher's Stone? We can't even believe now that the great Paracelsus believed the elements were mercury and sulfur, that Theophrastus Bombastus who would've killed it on Twitter said that gold was made of two other elements in a certain proportion and bound a certain way, that the Periodic Table was discovered by some Tatar faggot who looked like he liked soccer and wasn't inscribed in the annals of History by Grecian pederasts who were hot in a toga. Do you ever just want to fuck Plato? No homo, of course. It's not gay if it's Plato, you know what I mean? "Phosphates," says La Wik, "are the naturally occurring form of the element phosphorus." Sick! A phosphate group is a group containing phosphorus. You piss them every day. Unless you're, like, fucked up.

MAPKKK acts upon MAP kinase kinase, causing MAP kinase kinase to phosphorylate MAP kinase. Does MAPKKK phosphorylate MAP kinase kinase? Does MAP kinase kinase phosphorylate MAP kinase? MAPKKK stands for mitogen-activated protein kinase kinase kinase. Mitogen-activated protein kinase, says the Encyclopedia of Online, "is a misnomer, since most MAPKs are actually involved in the response to potentially harmful, abiotic stress stimuli ... Thus the role of mammalian ERK1/2 kinases as regulators of cell proliferation is not a generic, but a highly specialized function." So, wait, are they, like, bad? Can we test for MAPKKK? Can we do an implicit phosphorylation test for MAPKKK? Can I healthmaxx by culling MAPKKK? Is that racist? I'm racist?

Mitogen-activated protein kinases are catalytically inactive in their base form. In order to become active, they require (potentially multiple) phosphorylation events in their activation loops. MAPKKK phosphorylates MAP kinase kinase, which phosphorylates MAP kinase, which phosphorylates MAP? Can I phosphorylate someone? Tucker Max made a girl suck him off while he shat. Henning Brand boiled gallons of his own phosphorylation to discover a new world where alchemy is true. Can I refine my piss into war crimes? Can I drop white phosphorus on the government until they invent turning back the wheel of time to the days when holes were holes and men were shripped and based? Sometimes men were holes too and that was alright, I'm not Tucker Max about that, if a girl needs lube for sex it's whatever, you know? It's less competition. Men don't die in war anymore so we have to take some of them and turn them into women, turn poles into holes, restore the natural order. It's nature. Strong men boil gallons of their piss in medieval garages to create good times, good times create weak men, weak men get fucked and take cock. Henning Brand created alchemy, alchemy created plastics, plastics got in your brain and made you take cock and get fucked, as is the nature of the New Alchemical Man. It's natural brah. It's natty.

Phosphorylation. This business of alchemy – they can control your mind now, you know, they can give you fentanyl and it jacks you off in your brain, with alchemy. In the old days they could just jack you off, of course, the hideous female witches with mind control powers could just jack you off, and every normal, red-blooded American man has thought from time to time that maybe it'd be better if he were a she, so he could be fucking normal, and not be mind-controlled by witches, brah. You have to reject the mind control by witches. You have to fuck your homies so the witches can't get them. It's normal. It was normal in Greece, before the Jews did Christianity, before the slaves did slave morality, before horrid old women made the babes care for virginity. Virginity is the rightful domain of men, who wield its power to become wizards or popes. Isn't it right that no man who's known the touch of a woman can be the king of Rome? They're vampires, you know, they're vampires of Satan, and we have to look out for each other, in bed, so they can't. So they can't take our energy, drink our blood and make us husks, pussy-whipped bitches who live in Orlando and take the kids to church every Sunday and tell them why daddy can't stay at the Quality Inn. We are the damned, born without mind control powers, born to take up Satanic frocciagine in the few dark corners that remain because the Illuminati faked Jesus to sap and impurify our bodily fluids. In Papua New Guinea they believe that swallowing semen refines the virtù of a man, did you know that? Every man knew this before the Illuminati.

In order to become active, the Illuminati require (potentially multiple) phosphorylation events in their activation loops. MAPKKK transfers a phosphate group to MAP kinase kinase, which transfers it to MAP kinase, which transfers it to MAP. It's like herpes, you know? It's like Twitter. MemeKKK activates the frog, which activates the techpoaster, which activates the talk radio host. And because we don't have a king, to design our society top-down along rational lines – because we don't have a Männerbund, to harmonize society with fucking and action – we have MAPKKK, which no engineer would tolerate. MAPKKK, the alchemical name of the Kali Yuga, a sign of our degenerate times, of the blind idiot Gnon who gave us all dicks.

[anonymouscapybara]

assassin A: Sodium hydroxide is suitable as a poison against a king so painfully basic!

assassin B: This hydrochloric acid will eat away at our ruler from inside—no revenge more appropriate for what he did to my employer!

king: huh this champagne is kinda salty

Idea for a historical dark comedy, that would work just as well in so many different eras and places that I couldn't pick one:

A royal court where everyone is trying to murder the current ruler, but everyone's schemes just keep cancelling each other out. Everyone on the outside thinks that this period of rule is remarkably and unusually peaceful, but what are you going to do when someone's trying to kill the king with poison A, at the same time when someone else doused his drink with poison B, which are paradoxally antidotes for each other, and the third poison, extracted from a piece of supposedly cursed mouldy bread, is just antibiotic enough to treat the syphilis the king got from the courtesan who was sent to seduce him.

[anonymouscapybara]

The major advance in understanding human taste variation came in 1931 with the discovery of "taste-blindness" specifically for thiourea compounds, when Arthur L. Fox, a chemist at DuPont, discovered that some people found phenylthiocarbamide (PTC) bitter, while others found it tasteless.

[anonymouscapybara]

Imagine a far-future society, we don't know what's happened but the Earth is dead, I'm vaguely picturing them all living on space stations or something, there are only precious few species of plants and animals being kept alive, very few indeed, you couldn't quite count the remaining species on your fingertips but you could certainly check out all of their Wikipedia pages within the space of an hour. Future Wikipedia I guess, I mean whatever it is they have. No edible fruit or vegetables have survived at all, I'm not sure what they do for food, something futuristic presumably. Some kind of... future powder?

But there's this project that's been in the works for decades, they've figured out they can synthesize an apple. I don't know how that works, but the scientists have figured out a way. They're going to make an apple and this is like landing on the moon for them, everyone's insanely hyped about it, nobody's seen an apple for millennia... well see part of what's going on here is that the historiography of the time back when Earth still existed is irreparably bad now, it's super impressionistic because so little survived. And I guess partly because the Genesis story has been all blown out of proportion (there's more to it but that's a big part of it) these guys have a really exaggerated idea of the importance of apples to Earth humans, they basically imagine us eating apples all day long and worshiping apple gods and making apple art and all stuff like that. It's pretty silly but remember they have NO fruit or veg, they eat powder or whatever it was I said, they don't even have a rough concept of what "eating an apple" might be, like does it get you high for example? I bet they think it does, like a really spiritual special kind of high! They must have embellished it so much right? Gotten real carried away.

So like I say it's really hype, they're going to finally make an apple! A real one I mean, not like an approximation of what some scientists theorize an apple might be like, they've figured out how to definitely do it accurately (somehow, idk, just trust the omniscient narrator that they're doing it for real). But: they can only make one. Too much resources required or some shit, like I said this is their equivalent to the first moon landing except maybe more so, it's not a sustainable plan to reintroduce apple trees or something, they can only make one apple ever and that'll be it.

So as you can imagine, quite apart from all the scientific resource that's gone into this project, there's been a ton of resource invested into (not to mention endless public fascination and debate over) the question: who gets to eat the apple? It's a big deal! Everybody envies whoever's gonna eat it; most people also don't envy them. Since time immemorial, the essence of the apple has been defined by centuries and millennia of myth and speculation and storytelling holding together scattered fragments of a mysterious glorious past. Very soon, the essence of the apple will be defined by whatever this guy says it is, whatever the apple eater manages to communicate of the ineffable experience that will always be theirs alone. Humanity will demand a report, and the apple eater will have to be a poet of rarest genius at the very minimum to be trusted to deliver it, they hold the most privileged position maybe anyone will ever hold by being allowed to do this, and all that will remain of that briefest experience for all eternity will be their words. They're an instant prophet, no questions asked. I don't know about you, but if that was me I would definitely shit myself.

Well anyway forget about all that stuff. I was only thinking of this because it occurs to me, you're kind of like the apple eater of your own life, right? I mean nobody's making a big song and dance of it like those crazy apple space freaks, but it's true no?, you *pokes you in the face quite hard* with your highly specific soul positioned in your highly specific situation, that's only going to happen once, you're the only one who's ever going to know what that's like, assuming you aren't going to give some sort of big testimony, somehow. Only difference is like I say, no one really cares in your case, although actually I do sometimes, I hope that doesn't weird you out. I'm just saying imagine being asked the question! As if the answer really did matter! In theory anybody could just walk up to you and do that! I promise I won't ask you, if you promise you won't ask me.

[anonymouscapybara]

Nokia toilet paper moment

so Gucci and Balenciaga and Yves Saint Laurent are owned by a giant conglomerate of luxury brands that started out in the 1960s as a timber company in Brittany.

[anonymouscapybara]

Shit man, this analyst war is fucked. I just saw a guy wipe his chalkboard and say "Calderón–Zygmund decomposition" or some similar shit, and every function around him split into cubes, had their large values explode, and then disappeared. A preprint wasn't even written, that's how common shit like this is. My ass is calculating epsilon-delta and second derivative. I think I just heard "power word: ergodicity" two research groups over. I gotta get the fuck outta here.

[anonymouscapybara]

If Solomon is so wise, why didn't he just Banach-Tarski the baby?

[anonymouscapybara]

[anonymouscapybara]

So, like, the thing you have to understand is that prior to the mid-2000s, the "Young Adult" genre as we now know it didn't exist. The expectation was that you would graduate to the adult aisle of the book store at, like, 13-14. This worked because the only people still reading long form novels into their teens were precocious bookworms who were better read than their parents.

Harry Potter changed all this. The success of the Harry Potter books convinced the publishing industry that selling full length novels to normie children was a business model. The thing about the Harry Potter books, though, is that at least for the early books, the target audience was a bit younger than what we think of as the YA demographic; tweens, rather than teens. Now, the publishing very much wanted to keep all these normie kids buying books into their teens and beyond, but the previous model of treating teens as functionally adults for marketing purposes would not work; there was simply no way that normie parents were going to let their normie kids read fully adult novels where the characters, like, do drugs or have unprotected sex and stuff. So, in order to be allowed to market to the teen demographic, the YA genre was created.

However, teens have an inherent interest in reading about sex and violence and drugs, and so authors who are able to incorporate these kinds of themes into their YA novels in a discrete way such that it flies under the radar of the moral guardians are met with success. But this is a precarious tightrope to walk. Not enough "mature" themes and the teens will loose interest, to much or to blatant and the teens won't be allowed to read it. And so, it should come as no surprise, that the first person to successfully navigate this tight rope was a Mormon housewife with a vampire fetish.

[anonymouscapybara]

this may be the greatest billboard I’ve ever seen

[anonymouscapybara]

Check out the bonus panel on the site!

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