anotawriter-blog

[anotawriter-blog]

Sleep

The rest that my body needs is full of awful turns. I cannot sleep. When I do the dreams are dark, the nightmares are horrifying. I am so tired. I am exhausted but no one understands what i mean by that. I just want a place for my soul to rest to rejuvinate. A moment in the day where i dont have to run. I run and run a thousand miles and i am nearly breathing. Only the love of a passion heart keeps me mighty strong and moving forward. Can it be I found a place to rest? How far until I'm ok? ~Sprint

[anotawriter-blog]

Dreams

Please leave my dreams alone. I cannot lean on the ghost of you. As much as I want to... You cannot tell me "I got you" in a warm loving embrace. You can't save me. You couldn't save yourself. I can't climb out, I understand it. I'm buried by my own guilty weight. Did you move it for me so I could find the gun? So I would know? Who were the girls? Did they represent my jealousy? I'm not that same person now. I don't think I'm that person now. I climb out and then... You have me. So sweet, I'm only yours. I can't be yours. You cannot keep me. You never said goodbye.

[anotawriter-blog]

Red

Fire. Fire in my veins as he burned his way through me. Passion, blood rushing my skin the heat flooding my head. Always burning. The pain sinks in after the heat fades, the screaming, the rush of fury. The highest peaks and the lowest valleys are red. Deep dark passionate red, bright red warning lights. He was red. I still feel the red embers that burn in my heart.

[anotawriter-blog]

Entry one

The yelling a chaos fill the air, so much is coming from such a small table. Its my family, we are loud. We love each other. We took my sister and her fiance out for breakfast, pancakes. It is easiest to do it early, this way so the toddler doesn't get into to much trouble. The waiter walks up while I'm looking down at my little girl. “A water for me, and she will have an ap-” the sentence fails at the end as I lose all words. The face, I knew that face, the green blue eyes that held fire covered in black glasses. The smirk that says 'I know it all, and I am going to win'. The confidence that came with being to perfect to be vain. My heart started to pound in my chest, the breath was stolen from my lungs. He was not supposed to be here, my ears started ringing. I was never supposed to see him again, my skin turned to ice. He was dead, my world shattered into a million dark pieces.

Space was broken, people say your life flashes before your eyes, and the flashes came then. The little girl screaming in the well. She only spoke when she saw me like this, we have spoken twice. I know that I will share the afterlife with this little girl. She speaks when I am close to death. I do not know her. I do not know if it is my heaven or my hell. I do know that she is mine, she is not the angel that others see when they go to the light. Fractured memories toss me back.

Him, in the glasses, just a kid. He would grow into a man, too quickly, but now he was young. I fell onto his bed, giggling. I was always giggling around him. “Next episode!” I shouted as he jumped up to put in the DVD. We laid on his small bed in a tiny overcrowded room filled with books and games. The TV was small but we were close to it. We fell into the next episode in the series laying side by side, laughing the whole time.

I fell to his arms, I was crying this time. Ugly crying, getting snot all over him. He was comforting me after the loss of some boyfriend. I told him I was sorry, he told me not to worry, his shirt could be washed but I needed a hug.

He was right. I did need a hug, it was a bright summer day and I almost jumped into his arms. It was a good day, and the strong arms pulling me close made my soul want to explode into a rainbow. He smelled like summer and the almost floral smell of his laundry detergent. It was safety in the arms of my best friend.

It was terror as I ran from him. The pain still radiating around my neck. “Punishable by death” were the words ringing in my head, his words. Six inches off the ground and held up by his strong hands that once kept me safe. I thought I would leave him then. I didn't understand how hard that would be.

The light glowing from his computer, thousands of hours playing so many games. The explanations and the videos on YouTube had all started to meld together. The times I was happy, sad, angry, lonely, tired, and oh so in love in front of that screen.

Going to the psychiatric hospital to see him, taking him home and seeing him at the jail the next time. The times he tried to kill himself, the times that he needed me. When we came home together and we spend the time together again. The star filled night that I saw him cry. The only time I had ever seen him cry.

How it felt when we didn't speak, the months that I thought I was free. I checked in to see if he was alive after years and it felt so natural to talk to him again. I had the last six months, we spoke, not once did I see him. He was pulling his life together. I hoped that he was pulling his life together. Then he went dark.

Ten days. He laid dead in his apartment for ten days before anyone noticed. I had called the hospital, the psych ward, the jail. I had looked for him, I wanted to call the police ask them to do a well check but I didn't want to be that girl. We hadn't seen each other in years. I should have called.

Even now as the world is breaking around me the regret fills me. So much guilt, so much pain. He was the one who put me through a living hell, a war that I fought every day. Still, I was his protector and I had failed. Everyone told me there was nothing I could have done. I would never have given up my life, my husband, my child, to save his. Still I missed him every day. I still cried. I know what laundry detergent  he used now, it is a smell I cannot stand.

I entered back into chaos. My family was hovering above me worried. “baby, stay with me” from my husband “mommy, mommy please no more sleep” from the toddler crying in my sisters arms. The paramedics, “what day of the week is it today?” I searched the room for him. For Hunter. He was gone now, maybe he had never been there at all. Maybe it was just the seizure. I closed my eyes and decided to drown in the chaos.