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[anotherboringaccountant]

Christmas Grinch in Hiding

Ever since I don’t get to spend Christmas with my husband anymore, I’ve lost my Christmas spirit. I used to be huge into the holiday, and relish the opportunity to spoil everyone around me. Not anymore.

I always hated putting up the tree and “fluffing” it out. It’s prickly and itchy. One of my favourite memories was falling asleep late one Friday night on the couch and waking up to a twinkling Christmas tree across the room; my husband spreading the branches and getting it ready to decorate. I felt so loved and spoiled. I can’t put that tree up by myself, it would hurt too much.

I don’t decorate anything anymore, I just try to get through the season. The decorations put up at my work feel like stabs in my chest when I look at them. I get gifts for others, and I put effort in to get them something they’ll really like, but there’s no joy in it anymore. It’s a chore. I go through the motions of the holiday for the sake of not being a downer to those around me, but it’s a silent torture. I spend most of the holidays alone, trying to ignore them as best I can and treat them like any other day.

I’m not sure why I’m typing this now, but maybe there’s someone out there who understands how I feel. Maybe this will make them feel not so alone.

[anotherboringaccountant]

The moments that grief catches you off guard...

Anyone else ever have those moments, ages after you lost someone or something, where the ache of loss that dulled over time comes back with a vengeance?

I don’t mind living alone. After being at work and in meetings all day, I like the quiet. But sometimes the quiet gets too loud. The silence rings. And my brain replays memories of hearing him play video games in the next room. How I used to wish for a moment of peace before he met me at the door after work and talked my ear off about his day and how I’d give anything to hear that again. And my home fills with the beautiful, pale ghosts of all our happy memories around me, scene after scene replay, but instead of bringing me joy, they remind me of what I lost.

And all of a sudden, I can’t catch my breathe, tears are streaming down my face, and the howl that erupts from my mouth sounds like a wolf in the night.

But I don’t know if I’d wish the beautiful ghosts away, because at least I have them around me. I’m grateful for those memories, I just wish sometimes they wouldn’t taunt me.

[anotherboringaccountant]

Grief is so strange

Last week I bought a new mattress, it’s going to be delivered tomorrow. Mine is getting old, sagging, and is killing my back. It’s time for a new one.

But as I go to bed on this mattress for the last time, I remember all the nights my husband and I cuddled up together on it. I bought it to fit his taller frame. Now I’m crying because I don’t want to replace this mattress anymore, I don’t want to move on to another mattress he will never sleep on with me. I know all the memories are in me, they don’t leave with the mattress. But right now, I’d give anything to have him next to me on our saggy old bed and getting a new one makes me feel like I’m leaving him behind.

[anotherboringaccountant]

Omg my literal life story! It came back.... in my late 20’s 🥺

[anotherboringaccountant]

Finally got my Lover album in the mail today! Yay! Wish I could afford all 4 versions 🇨🇦 #notarget #amazonprimedelivery

[anotherboringaccountant]

There is something so majestic about the mountains in BC, and when they are so close you (these ones are quite small compared to others). Whenever I’m near them I think about the power of the earth to make something so huge. And how they were here long before me, and will be long after I’m gone.

[anotherboringaccountant]

New level of studying procrastination

In less than a month I have the biggest exam of my life, the CFE. For those who don’t know, that’s like a law student’s bar exam. I took a month off to study, but am I? No. I started writing a novella based inspired by my romantic history and lyrics of Taylor Swift songs. @taylorswift

[anotherboringaccountant]

If you’re an introvert, follow @introvertunites​​​.

[anotherboringaccountant]

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