anotherlife16

[anotherlife16]

I don’t know how to not hate myself

[anotherlife16]

[anotherlife16]

my brain is fundamentally destroyed and ill never be able to trust anyone. good morning

[anotherlife16]

[anotherlife16]

[anotherlife16]

I feel like I am walking through a lake

It's dark and I can't see the shore

The water gets deeper with every step I take

And every step is harder than the one before

How much farther can I go?

I don't know.

[anotherlife16]

[anotherlife16]

[anotherlife16]

You doubting yourself again. Stop that shit .

[anotherlife16]

““Self worth is so vital to your happiness. If you don’t feel good about you, it’s hard to feel good about anything else.” - Mandy Hale”

—

[anotherlife16]

[anotherlife16]

how can someone feel so much and feel so empty at the same time?

[anotherlife16]

you hurt me, and i said sorry

[anotherlife16]

I would like to admit that my BPD makes me an antisocial asshole with toxic thinking which leads to toxic speaking and toxic behaviors. I don't fit into society and sometimes I lack empathy. I can be extremely apathetic and selfish. I don't like to call myself a sociopath because I do experience a lot of empathy at times. But I can say I can be very psychopathic. I'm psychotic. I can't make or keep friends. I want to be alone but not feel lonely. And my jealous rages make me at times feel borderline homicidal. Why does it all have to be considered bad? I have a personality disorder on top of a couple other mental disorders, I don't know what people would expect. People want me to act as though I'm not severely mentally ill. I take full responsibility for the way I am and know that it's caused by my fucked up brain. But asking me to just stop being the way I am and rewire my brain is a big ask. I wish I could stop masking. I wish I could stop being exhausted from having to try to be "better" around other people. The mental disorders are exhausting enough and then I have to pretend I don't have them for other people on top of it. I know there will never be a day I won't feel exhausted. Normal people think it's hard dealing with me, but I guarantee you it's harder for myself to deal with my own brain.

[anotherlife16]

𝐈 𝐰𝐨𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐦𝐲 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫 𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐨𝐟 𝐦𝐞 𝐧𝐨𝐰...𝐰𝐞 𝐰𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐧’𝐭 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐬𝐮𝐩𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞

[anotherlife16]

BPD is being completely predictable to everyone else but not to yourself. You always seem to surprise yourself with how deep you can spiral downward or how you think you're feeling better and then you just don't anymore. Everyone else watches you do the same shit over and over and expects it but you just feel like you're on an out of control rollercoaster.

[anotherlife16]

I'll push them away. I'll isolate.

Because the very worst part of you is me.