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i let this blog die over the summer but school starting again means my feelings are in full swing so i'm probably gonna bring this back! i have tons of updates around p soooo yeah i'm Back™

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kinda annoying when you’re excited to talk to someone and you don’t feel the same energy back

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it’s teacher appreciation week.

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May TC Challenge

As usual, sorry for inactivity! This time, though, I have a legitimate excuse! I have AP exams coming up this week (first is tomorrow) and next and I’ve been working hard! I have a moment now, though, and I decided that since this month will likely be very busy for me, I’m going to do the entire May challenge now just to make sure I finish everything. SO without further ado, the May TC Challenge!

1. Have you ever said something embarrassing to/in front of your TC?

I mean yeah, lots of times. Nothing comes to mind in particular, but I definitely remember having moments where I was super embarrassed that they overheard something. I think I blocked a lot of these out lmao.

2. When did you TC start teaching you? Does he/she still teach you?

B started teaching me in the fall of 2016, my sophomore year of high school. He no longer teaches me. P started teaching me in the fall of 2017, and will be my teacher until the end of this month.

3. Do you know anything about your TC’s childhood/youth?

Surprisingly, I know more about P than I do about B. I know he’s the youngest of 5 or 6, and I know he was a Boy Scout. The other day he told us about the time he took a shit behind his sister’s bed when he was two. I don’t remember how or why it came up in class, but that’s what sticks out the most when I think of his youth.

4. Describe your TC’s eyes.

The most beautiful hazel you’ll ever see. They change with the weather and the color he’s wearing; on sunny days, with lighter/brighter colors, they’re very pale and more green than brown; on cloudy days, with darker colors, they’re darker and much more of a brown shade. I think they give him character.

5. What’s your favorite outfit on him/her?

I think I’ve mentioned this before, but P is the long distance coach for our track and field team. So, he has this really nice black pullover that says the name of our school with the logo and “Track and Field” embroidered on the left breast. Usually on Fridays, he’ll wear that pullover with a pair of dark wash jeans and these grey and blue tennis shoes he has. He looks really nice in dark colors and I love the cut of the jeans, so that’s my favorite outfit.

6. How do you try to impress your TC?

A lot of times, I don’t really try. I don’t like to force it or feel like I’m trying too hard. Most of the time, I’ll just answer questions in class or joke around/banter with him because I know that’s what earns his respect.

7. Describe what you think your wedding would look like. What are you both wearing? Who’s invited? What’s for dinner?

It would be outside, first of all. Probably in a park. I’d want a more understated dress, natural makeup, my hair down and in loose curls. I think my bouquet would have roses, lilies, and hydrangea. Maybe I would braid some flowers into my hair, just to spruce it up a bit. He would wear a black tux with a red tie, to match the roses in the bouquet. My bridesmaids would be some of my best friends (the maid of honor would probably be my closest friend, I’ll call her C). His best man would be his best friend, who I’ve called K in the past, and his groomsmen would probably be his brothers. We both have large families and we both value them highly, so I think it would definitely be a very long list of guests. I would want steak and salad, and I’d want the cake to be marbled with chocolate frosting. The reception would be more casual and understated; I’d probably change into a different dress and he’d likely take off the suit jacket. My family is very... fun-loving when it comes to weddings, so I think we’d probably be out all night. I’d want our honeymoon to be in Italy or Ireland.

8. Have you ever caught him/her staring at you? How did you react?

I caught B staring at me once during class last year. We were doing a group assignment and he was sitting on one of the desks in front of my group, facing our direction. At one point I looked up and we made eye contact, and he seemed to be a little zoned out. I just kinda waved until he snapped out of it. As for P, I was in his room last Friday studying for psychology, and he was sitting at his desk. When I looked up from my notes we made direct eye contact, like he had already been looking, and I just blushed and looked away. I think that was just timed well, though, because there were a few of us there and he had been looking around the group.

9. If you would buy your TC socks, what would your chosen ones look like?

I actually have bought B socks before, for his birthday. They were blue with little amoebas on them, since he’s a science teacher. If I bought socks for P, they’d probably have some kind of sports logo on them, like the logo for his college or for the White Sox (his favorite baseball team).

10. If he/she visited your family for any reason and you’d have to cook, what would you cook?

Lasagna! My family is Italian so we have tons of pasta recipes passed down from past generations, and our family lasagna sauce is hella good.

11. If you lived together, would you rather have kids or pets with him/her?

Pets. I’m not big on kids. But I would definitely have kids with him if the time was right; he would be an amazing dad and I do like kids, don’t get me wrong, they’re just not my number one aspiration in life. Plus, we’d both be living on teachers’ salaries and I feel like I’d be concerned with supporting anything more than a dog.

12. What is your opinion on age gap relationships? Do you think a certain age gap isn’t good anymore?

I think as long as the parties are both consenting adults, it doesn’t really matter. Let people do what they want to do; they know what’s best for themselves.

13. What would you do if a friend told you she had a crush on your TC?

Outwardly, I’d probably express comfort/understanding. Inwardly, I’d probably be a little peeved. Luckily, P isn’t really ~super hot~ by any conventional means so I don’t think this would become a problem.

14. Do you know when your TC’s birthday is? How hold is he/she?

B’s is March 6 and he’s 45. P’s is sometime in September (I can’t remember the exact date off the top of my head) and he’s 28.

15. What would you do if he/she found your blog, knew it was about him/her but he/she was still trying to figure out whose blog it is?

Nothing. He’d figure it out in due time. I’m the only person taking both APUSH and psych. I’d let him come to me if he felt the need, and then I’d justify myself if need be, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to do anything suspicious.

16. If you were on a class trip with your TC and a friend of yours wasn’t feeling well in the middle of the night, would you be the one to knock on your TC’s door loudly and wake him/her? Would the sight of his/er sleeping face and pajamas be worth standing there in your own pajamas and with your sleepy face?

I’d probably try to resolve the friend’s problem myself, but if I really needed to get him I definitely would. And hell yeah, seeing him like that, hearing his voice all gravelly from sleep, would 300% be worth it.

17. Can you remember what happened in the last dream you had about your TC?

I remember something about aliens, but that’s about it.

18. Has your TC ever had a conversation about you with your parents? If yes, what did he/she say?

Yep! For parent/teacher conferences I sat in on his conference because I wanted to hear his praise comments. He said the usual joy to have in class/hard worker/etc. stuff.

19. Think of a song that reminds you of your TC and tell us your favorite line from it?

Whatever You Do by Brandi Carlile makes me think of B. My favorite line is  “There are days when I could walk into the ocean / With no one else but you to leave behind.”

As for P, In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel is a big one. My favorite line is “When I want to run away / I drive off in my car / But whichever way I go / I come back to the place you are.”

20. What has been the best mark you had in one of your TC’s tests? Did he/she say something to you about it/write something on it?

There have been tons of little things here and there. In APUSH, we wrote and in-class DBQ and like a dork he wrote “Boom! Nailed the intro!” For psych, one time he gave me a fist bump after I did really well on a multiple choice test and every time I score perfectly on a short answer he writes “Fridge” on the top (a direct quote as to why: “put it on your fridge ‘cause you did so well!”

21. Have you ever stalked your TC online?

I mean, I’ve done a Google search. I found his twitter and his engagement photos (and I’ll admit, I cried when I looked at those. Not my proudest moment.) His twitter is really adorable and cute though. He reblogs teacher memes.

22. Does your TC come to school by car/tram/bus? Do you know what car he/she has?

He does come by car, but I don’t know what kind it is. I think it’s black. He’s called it “reliable” in the past.

23. Did your TC ever change something on his/her appearance or wear something different that didn’t suit him/her?

Sometimes he’ll grow out some stubble and it looks hella good, but that’s generally the only real change aside from hair cuts.

24. Where do you think you’d live with him/her and what would the interior look like?

A little house, somewhere quaint, probably near his work/my college (luckily, I’m going to college close, so this wouldn’t be too hard to accomplish). I would want it to be very cozy and lived-in, but not overly cluttered.

25. Does your TC do any sports that you know of?

He does track and field, cross country, and basketball.

26. Does your TC bring coffee or tea to class? If yes, what does his/her cup look like?

He constantly has coffee in his hands. He has a ton of different mugs and stuff. He usually uses one with his college’s logo on it or one with our school’s logo on it.

27. 5 things that make him/her your ideal partner.

His passion, his kindness, his sense of humor, his genuineness, his stories.

28. A song, film, and book that you would recommend to your TC.

I would recommend Netflix Trip by AJR, A Quiet Place (dir. John Krasinski), and In Cold Blood by Truman Capote.

29. What do you think about the TCC and how has it helped you?

I think it’s pretty solid for the most part. It’s definitely given me an outlet and a place I can express myself. Of course, people have views that I don’t necessarily agree with, but that’s to be expected.

30. A new language you would love to learn together with your TC.

I’ve kinda been dying to learn Italian and I think it would be fun to swear at each other in it.

31. What does your TC smell like?

Not that I go around actively smelling him, but he smells a little fruity and very fresh/clean.

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The Entire April TC Challenge in One Sitting

This is going under a read more because it’ll inevitably get long. (Side note, most of these will probably only be about P since B and I are in a weird spot right now, but some might be about B if they’re fitting.)

1. What is the most adorable thing your TC has done?

Honestly I couldn’t even pick one incident. He does so much cute shit all the time it’s hard to pick one moment. What comes to mind, though, is one time when he tripped in class and yelled “parkour!” to cover for it.

2. On a scale of 1-10, how intense are your feelings towards your TC. Why?

GOD probably a 10 tbh. Lately I haven’t been able to get him out of my head and it’s super distracting. Sometimes when I’m in class I’ll find myself staring at him thinking about how much I love him, and I’ll tune back in ten minutes later to realize that I haven’t absorbed a single thing he’s said. Sometimes I want him so bad it hurts. It’s really uhhh not good ladies.

3. Does your TC have any cute quirks/habits? If yes, which one is your favourite?

He has tons omg. One thing he does is what I call the Big Smile. Sometimes he gives us this huge grin and it’s so cute; his eyes get all squinty and his whole face kinda wrinkles up, the smile is so big and wide and his whole face lights up and it’s just... so cute.

4. If you could change one thing about your TC, what would it be and why?

Can I say his marriage? Because uhh... that’s it. The rest of him is too beautiful to change.

5. If you had to confess your feelings to your TC, what would be the perfect way of doing so?

I answered this about B last month so I’ll answer it for P this time around. I’m planning on staying in contact with him after I graduate, so I think it would just be a casual friendship that would have to progress naturally. Then, if he and his wife got divorced and he got over her and stuff, I’d probably just tell him over coffee one day. There would be no expectations involved, it would just be to get it off my chest. If he reciprocated, then that would be great. If not, then I would try to just move past it.

6. When having a TC, what is the most important thing to remember?

No matter how close you are, you need to keep it professional. I know it’s hard, but try not to let the lines between teacher/student and friends blur too much. It makes it way too easy to let yourself think that you’re a higher priority to them than you actually are, and then they’ll just disappoint you. I learned this with B the hard way.

7. If you had the chance to re-live/change one moment with your TC, which one would it be? And if you wished to change it, how would you?

If I could relive a moment with P I think it would be the conversation we had where he told me that I’m one of his favorite students and that he’s proud of me. If I could relieve a moment with B it would be his birthday. It was a really good day. He loved his gifts and the card I wrote him, and it was just happy. No disappointment, no argument. It was good.

8. Why do you think people fall for their teachers?

I’m sure there’s different reasons, but for me it’s the intelligence and the emotional maturity/stability. It’s also the passion, the cleverness, the kindness and genuine care that they put into their work. I mean, I don’t think people really fall for teachers. I think people fall for people who happen to be teachers. So it varies person-to-person. Maybe that’s a cheesy answer, but that’s the way I see it.

9. If a close friend/relative frowned upon the fact you have a TC, what would you say to change their opinion?

I’d probably try to convince them that it’s normal. Those are the feelings I have and I can’t help them. But if they couldn’t be convinced, then I’d let them think whatever they wanted to think. If they think it’s weird or something it’s not really my concern.

10. If you went out on a date with your TC, what do you think they would wear?

I think it would depend on what we were doing, but probably just a dark-wash pair of jeans and maybe a button-down. He doesn’t strike me as a super Formal Uppity Date person, so it would probably be more casual.

11. List 1-5 of your TC’s best qualities.

His humor, his kindness, his taste in movies, his eyes, and his smile.

12. How would you feel if you found out your TC had feelings for another student?

I’d probably be devastated, but also I don’t think it would happen. He’s married and he doesn’t like most of his students lol.

13. What do you find most attractive about your TC?

Physically, his hands. Personality-wise, his humor (I know I said that already, but he’s genuinely really funny.)

14. What is your TC’s reputation around school?

Honestly, it depends on who you talk to. Some of the school thinks he’s a grumpy hardass, the rest (me) think he’s a dorky idiot with a good sense of humor. It is pretty universally agreed that he gives difficult tests, though.

15. If you had to serenade your TC, which song would you choose and why?

This is really hard tbh. Probably Can’t Help Falling in Love With You because I think it’s a beautiful song and I really enjoy singing it, and I always think of him when it comes on.

16. What hobbies does your TC have out of school?

Honestly? I’m not sure. I know that he enjoys running (he’s our cross country coach and the long distance coach for track) so there’s that, but he doesn’t really talk about hobbies other than that.

17. If you could travel anywhere in the world with your TC, where would it be and why?

Ireland. He’s Irish and very proud of his heritage, and I think it would be amazing to see the way his face would light up when we went around and saw the sights. It would be super adorable to hear him ramble about the history and the facts he knows.

18. Imagine if you and your TC were in a relationship and lived together. Describe the perfect daily routine. (As a bonus, how would you split the chores?)

He would wake up before me (he’s mentioned that he usually gets up around 5 and showers in the morning) and be all dressed and ready to go by the time I woke up. I would get out of bed and go downstairs and he’d be at the kitchen table, eating breakfast and drinking coffee. I’d kiss the top of his head or his cheek, mumble a good morning, and get some coffee and breakfast for myself. We’d sit and talk before he left for work and I left for classes. I’d send him jokes during his lunch break to brighten his day and he’d send me encouragements during the class I hate. Then, when we’re both home, we’d make dinner together, eat, and watch a TV show or a movie. If we were both particularly busy, he’d work on grading while I worked on homework. Then, we’d fall asleep together and do it again the next morning.

19. If you found your TC visibly upset and/or crying, would you comfort them? If yes, how would you go about it?

Definitely! I’d probably start by asking what the problem is. One of his best friends works at my school, so I’d probably ask if he wanted me to get him, since they’re friends/peers and the other teacher would probably know how to handle it better. If he said no, I’d ask if he wanted me to stay. If he said yes to that, then I’d sit in one of the desks in his room and wait; if he wanted to talk, we would talk. But if he didn’t, then I would just give him silent strength and wait until he calmed down.

20. How would you feel if your TC suddenly cut off all contact with you? What do you think their reason would be?

God, I’d be devastated. I think it would be that I was too attached and it was too obvious and they got uncomfortable with it. Honestly, this is one of my biggest fears.

21. What do you think your TC’s opinion of you is?

Right now, I think B is still pissed at me. He probably has realized that I’m kind of a selfish asshole (whoops). As far as I know, P still sees me as one of his favorite students and is proud of my accomplishments this year.

22. Has your TC influenced your opinions in any way? Likewise, how has having a TC changed you?

B and I talked politics sometimes and he’s swayed me to a more moderate stance, but other than that they haven’t really influenced my opinions. As for how it’s changed me, tt’s probably just made me more stressed TBH. I’m constantly worried about them and then blaming myself for being worried because it’s not my place, and then seeing them and being really happy and being away from them and being sad, and daydreaming too much and... well, I’ll just say it’s rough and leave it at that.

23. Are you ashamed of your feelings towards your TC? If yes, why?

I’m not really ashamed of my feelings, since I can’t help those. I am a little ashamed of the fact that I sometimes wish he would get a divorce, since I can tell he’s happy with his wife and that he loves her, and it’s not fair for me to wish that that would fall apart.

24. What is more attractive? Your TC’s appearance or personality?

Both! If I had to choose, I’d say his personality, but I find him extremely physically attractive as well.

25. What makes your TC special to you?

Just... God. He’s so dorky and sweet, and his eyes sparkle when he smiles, and he fiddles with his wedding ring when he’s nervous or blanking on a topic, and his sense of humor is on point, and when he laughs really hard his whole face gets red. I guess what makes him special is that he’s him. I don’t know. It’s a hard question to answer.

Day 26) Describe your TC’s appearance.

I guess I’ll start with the top down. His hair is kept short and is thinning at the front, even though he’s only in his late 20s. Usually he slicks it over to the left. His face isn’t necessarily conventionally attractive; he has big ears that stick out a little too far, his eyes are wide set and are a beautiful hazel color, his nose is soft and sort of rounded, and his lips are very full, almost like a diamond shape with more of a curve. His cupid’s bow is pronounced and angular. His jaw is very soft and rounded, and his cheeks are round as well. He’s not very tall, only a couple inches taller than me (I’m 5′6″) and he’s sort of stocky. He has a bit of tummy pudge but his legs are very fit and trim because he enjoys running. His thighs and calves are very muscular. His hands are veiny, though not excessively so, and his fingers are a little on the shorter side, but they’re thick.

27. When you first met your TC, did you think you’d feel the way you do now? If not, what made you fall for them?

Kind of. My best friend primed me to like him, since she had him for her freshman history and senior psychology classes, so I went in knowing I would enjoy him as a teacher and a person. I definitely wasn’t expecting to be slapped in the face with the feelings I have, though. I think his humor and his energy got the ball rolling, but what really pushed me over the edge was the fact that he seemed to care about me and took a genuine interest in my mental health and my schoolwork.

28. If you could get your TC a gift for any occasion, what would it be?

I’m actually getting him an end-of-year gift for this year! The entire APUSH class is chipping in for it. He’s from Illinois, so his favorite baseball team is the White Sox. I found some White Sox mugs online that I think he’ll enjoy, so we’re going to give them to him as a thanks for all his hard work.

29. How have your feelings affected your everyday life? Has it affected the way you do work for their class? (If you have them as a teacher.)

I talk about him too much and my friends notice, but they tolerate it because most of them are aware of the feelings I have for him. Other than that, it really just impacts my behavior in his classes; sometimes I’m snarky and have banter with him, but sometimes I’m quiet and reserved. I stare at him during lecture too much lol. As for class work, honestly I don’t think it does. I don’t think I’ve put in any more effort for his class than I have for others, but that’s mostly because with my course load this year I can’t afford to only put effort into one or two classes; I need to spread that effort evenly or my other grades would tank. Though if I have to prioritize work for the night and it’s likely that I won’t get something done, I tend to prioritize homework for him.

Day 30) What is the best and worst thing that happened with your TC during the past month? In addition, how do you predict these moments will affect your relationship in the future?

The best was probably when I was being a little shit in APUSH and when P was getting ready to get back to lecture, he was like “what was the point of this?” and then looked at me and went “see what happens when you talk, [my last name]?” and i knew he was joking but i still went to protest, joking myself, but before I could he did the Big Smile right. at. me!! And he was standing super close to my desk too so I got a perfect view of how his eyes lit up and his face crinkled. It was honestly uhhhh the best moment of my life.

As for the worst, it’s been this whole situation of getting disappointed with and angry at B, and having him get angry at me, and finally having to distance myself. I don’t know how it will impact our relationship in the future, but I don’t imagine we’ll be able to go back to the way we were anytime soon, and that definitely hurts.

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i'm officially going to start distancing myself from b tomorrow. like i said the other day, he didn't come to see the show at all and that really hurts, and i can't even think about him without being upset. so i'm just going to stay away for a while.

because of that, i can't promise that there will be consistent updates any time soon (not that there ever were, but still) because b usually provided the better stories and i don't talk to p much outside of class, but if something noteworthy happens i'll be sure to share it.

thanks for sticking with me. sorry for the dramatic posts lately but it really does hurt that b couldn't be bothered to see the show.

(side note though, p came on sunday and he looked damn fine. he was wearing this light green button down and a grey suit jacket and i was fucking salivating when i saw him tbh)

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(fair warning, this post is solely for the purpose of venting)

so i'm in the theatre department at school and right now we're doing a show called the drowsy chaperone, in which i'm playing the chaperone. it's my first lead role and i'm really excited about it, and i wanted b and p to come see it. i hounded them pretty relentlessly about it, but tomorrow is our last show so at this point whether they come or not is kind of out of my hands

now, b said that he would come last saturday. when i texted him saturday afternoon, he said that his wife (i'll call her t for the purposes of this post) had made plans so they had to come this weekend instead. but here's the thing: this is my seventh show, and every single time he does something like this. i don't really blame him for it, since usually it's things that are out of his control, but it's starting to really hurt. like i get that everyone on that stage is just a student to him, but it's really upsetting to me that he never comes to see the shows. i'm trying to hold out hope that maybe he'll come tonight or tomorrow, but i'm honestly already preparing myself to be disappointed. and i feel bad for having such little faith in him, but given his track record...

but what really bothers me is his wife. of course, i'm already poised to hate her considering my feelings toward him, but from the things he says about her i just don't appreciate the way she seems to treat him. he's said multiple times that she doesn't trust him, thinks he's immature, etc. and then there was the famed "no one looks at me like that anymore. not even my wife looks at me like that anymore."

and yesterday i was talking to a friend of mine who has him as a teacher this year, and apparently he was talking about how he wants to retire in twenty years but can't because "his wife won't let him"

i just ,, i never seem to hear anything positive about her, and it kind of concerns/irritates me. it seems obvious to me that she doesn't know what she has, and i kinda wanna march up to her and pull her head out of her ass for her. and i know that this obviously isn't the full picture, i don't see their home life, and of course i'm probably blowing it out of proportion but i just... idk. he's a great guy and he doesn't deserve someone who's constantly criticizing him for being immature or disorganized or whatever she thinks he is.

anyway, that's my rant. maybe he'll prove me wrong and come see the show, but something in my gut is just saying he won't

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4.16.18

so today i have a story about b.

i was in his room after school like i normally am, and we were hanging out when i remembered that i had planned out how i want to decorate my binders and notebooks for next year over the weekend. i started telling him about it and he was making jokes and teasing me for being prepared so far in advance, just joking and friendly.

but then my mom arrived to pick me up so i started packing up my stuff, and as i was doing so i said "well the prettier things are the more i want to do them" in reference to why i'm being so extra about decoration. i realized after about .2 seconds what i had said and was like "oh that sounded really weird" and he agreed

but then as i was putting my coat on he started to say something and caught himself, covering it with "i probably shouldn't say that." and i asked why not, and he said it could get him fired and absolutely refused to tell me what he was going to say.

he said, and i quote, "it's the kind of thing that's gotten a lot of male teachers canned. or thrown in jail"

i've never wanted to know what he was thinking more. i mean, of course i know the train of thought, but i don't know the specifics. would it be concerning him? p? was it going to be flirty or just teasing? how deeply should i read into his sudden tone shift? (probably not at all, but still)

now that he's put that kind of thought about me on the table, i can feel myself falling in deeper and projecting my feelings onto him even more, which is n o t good at all

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Types of girls: plant edition

Mushroom girls- loves swamps and bogs, rainy weather is an adventure for them, loves to be inside and cozy, wants to live in a cottage, lives in sweaters

Lavender girls- loves purple (duh), adores wearing silk dresses, watches old cowboy and indian films, fancy on a budget, curled hair, tries to be confident

Wild flower girls- hyper and full of love, big heart, likes colorful clothes, likes hugs, messy hair, likes odd and bright makeup

Hibiscus girls- lOves pink, drinks tea and actually enjoys it, goes to diners, watches vintage films by herself, has self care days and sleepovers, cat person

Weat girls- messy buns, likes the city, kinda lazy, enjoys tan aesthetics, windy weather, watches studio ghibli films, wears cute pyjamas a lot

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his fucking hands drive me fucking insane, just fucking wrap them around my throat already !!

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the worst thing

when you're checking out your tc but you catch sight of his wedding ring

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Did I purposefully walk out of the room at a particular time so as to walk past my tc? Damn right I did