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[anotheryeardown-blog]

surviving. page 10.

if you kept up with all 10 pages of this story and you’ve added it up..you’re correct... start to finish..I was only with billy maybe 3 months. But those 3 months throughly destroyed me inside and out..physically and emotionally.. today I'm still trying forget. there's situations I didn’t include... more lying..cheating..also when he made me lose my friends and I didn’t realize that it was his way of isolating me.

since then..I've seen a therapist to try and get a grasp on my emotions and how to learn to trust again... its been almost 5 months but there isn’t a day that goes by that I'm not haunted by him and what he did. a couple months ago I got a text from a number I didn’t have in my phone (side note I forgot to mention...this whole time he never had an actual working phone...he claimed that when he quit his job they shut off his phone(they paid for it) so all he had was an email address and a hot spot).I knew immediately that it was him.. this was our conversation:

him:hey

me:who is this

him: billy

me:bye

him: well that ended quickly

do you know the amount of fear this 10 word conversation gave me? for days I thought about it and whether or not he was going to randomly show up. if he’d keep trying to contact me and why. hadn’t he already taken enough from me? I basically paid for his life the last few months, I gave him a place to stay so that he didn’t have to stay in his friends basement. I was emotionally and physically drained.

and then just last night I had a dream that he was at the bottom of my bed while I was sleeping..staring at me with that face of his.. in this dream I wake up and he attacks me.. there's nothing I can do..I can't scream I can't move. and then I wake up.. haunted by the realness of it all. I even had to sleep with my light on. 

but since it ended it hasn’t been all bad...I've met a wonderful man who treats me with respect, he shows me daily what it means to actually feel love. the only good thing billy did was show me what I deserve and just how much I'm worth. instead of regret I have decided to make this journey a lesson. that’s the only way I'm going to be okay. 

He stole from me, he used me, he lied to me, he cheated on me, he manipulated me, made me feel like I was the problem... he abused me. 

but I'm surviving. 

[anotheryeardown-blog]

page 9.

Britt and I over the next few days talk non stop.. we go through the last couple months and find that all along he’s been seeing us both.. 

I found out a lot of things.. including the day he took my car and went to get his hair cut.. he told brit it was his car (first of all LOL...its a renegade and the girliest car ever)he also had snap chatted her at my soccer game acting like it was his game.he hadn’t “quit” his job at the dealership.. he had been fired(I had assumed that) for joy riding and wrecking.

I got texts from billy telling me he hopes britt and I are happy together and some other terrible things...

Britt gave me strength, she reminded me daily of what I deserve and my worth and honestly had it not been for her I'd probably still be caught in the cycle of billy. 

her and I met... almost as a celebration.. at the bar that her and he went on their date the week prior.. she snapchats him pictures of us having fun... he says things basically telling her that he never cared about me, he was using me... and things that made me leave the bar crying. 

britt decides she's going to do a background check on him. it comes back with results that neither of us expected... felonies for fraud(x2) and identity theft. assault.. vandalism... child endangerment. a few traffic violations.. I was petrified to say the least. 

I go stay with my parents for the next few days because I didn’t know what he was capable of..I was scared and I didn’t want to be alone. I get a call from britt.. sobbing uncontrollably I ask her what happened. she says “I was attacked.” the words no one wants to hear at all...especially when you’ve been dealing with some maniac who you don’t know what they’re capable of.. 

is it a coincidence? we don’t know. but it’s strange that the two people she describes..although masked... are described as billy and his friend..it’s weird that he knows that we know his secrets and his criminal record and this happens.she shows me the picture of her bruised battered body... I feel helpless and scared because who knows what he's capable of. what if I was next? the police tell her there's nothing they can do... they didn’t rape her.. there’s no DNA so most likely they won't catch who ever did this. I won’t go into the fucked up tangent of our fucked up justice system that basically told her she should’ve been raped in order to catch these two sickos. 

meanwhile he’s still texting me telling me he misses me... little does he know I'm playing his game. I'm also talking to britt who is talking to mandy(I haven't spoken to her since she told me to fuck off)... he’s telling her the exact same thing he’s telling me. at this point its like we’ve made our own little club. we share our stories with each other..mandy is telling britt she's done with his crap.. yeah right... I don’t believe it... 

sure enough he finds out from mandy(who apparently was telling him everything we were saying) all of this... he texts me telling me he hopes we enjoy our support group because that will be the last I hear from him..

the next couple of days I get a few texts from mandy asking if I've heard from him.. I don't respond...I want to move on and forget this,.. I didn't realize just how hard that was going to be. 

[anotheryeardown-blog]

The salon girl. page 8.

I get home from work Tuesday evening... billy and I are sitting on the couch before he heads over to this bar gig.. he gets a couple calls.. hides his phone as usual and ignores them.. at 7 he leaves..

he texts me through out the evening tell me he can't wait to come home and get in bed and go to sleep next to me.. loves me... you know all that bull shit... midnight hits and he texts me saying the bar is about to close he’ll be home soon. 2 am rolls around and luckily I don't work Wednesday because I was not prepared for what was about to happen. I wake up to him stumbling through the door... worse than I've ever seen before. I had texts from him saying “I think I've been drugged”that I slept through. I look at him and think holy shit this dude is about die in my bed.. he can't speak.. he can't move, he’s completely passed out... but then I realized he was fine (remember I'm a nurse). his phone is in his pocket and it keeps buzzing and buzzing. I see it’s the same girl calling...”britt” it says. now I  know what I do next is completely wrong but at this point I was done. I couldn't do it anymore. I remembered his phone password... went through his phone... found texts between him and mandy proving that she had been telling the truth the entire time.. there was also pictures I wish I had never seen.. there was texts and messages between him and multiple other girls as well.. all just as sickening. then I get to “britt.” there's a zillion missed calls from her.. a text saying “what the fuck,” “I trusted you and you steal from me! how can you do this to me again”I put her number in my phone...put his back in his pocket.. go out to my living room because there was no way in hell I was sleeping next to his disgusting self. I text her “hey britt, billy is passed out..claims he was drugged. I'm guessing he forgot to tell you he has a girlfriend... what exactly did he steal from you?” no answer...

the next morning I wake up to missed calls, and so many texts from britt. saying exactly what I had thought. his ass still passed out in my bed... who knows if he’s even alive. I don't even care. this is where everything starts making sense but at the same time starts crashing around me, but also for the first time I have clarity. she was the girl who cut his hair..she wasn't a buddies ex.. in fact he had been dating her while dating me... remember that dinner he went to with his stepdad? yeahhh.. turns out that was a date he went on with her...that $100 I gave him for drinks... I paid for their date.. she asked if I liked the balloon,cake and wine he got his “mom” for valentines day.. at least that’s what he told her... she paid for that.. it was all so insane that we had to laugh. I thanked her for a great valentines and she thanked me for paying for their date. 

so I asked her about last night... they were on a date.. there was no bar gig...they were meeting at the bar. I asked what he had stole.. she tells me that she had some Molly( at this point nothing surprises me)...he stole it.. took it while she was in the bathroom and suddenly had to leave... hence the “ive been drugged”text message. I march into my room. yell at him to get his disgusting ass out of my apartment. I'm done. he groggily says “yeah yeah...calm down... go away..” IM SORRY WHAT. I go back out to the living room.. an hour later he's still asleep. I go back in my room and say it again. GET OUT. but he's so drugged up he convinces me to let him stay.. I know I know I'm retarded. I go to work the next day. I leave work early... still talking to britt.. now I go in swinging full force. its 3pm that I get back to my apartment.. he’s in bed... shocker. doing nothing. I tell him I can't do this.. you need to leave. he packs up his shit and for the first time...without argument or backlash he leaves his key and walks out the door. i call britt crying.. this time not out of sadness or fear but happiness and relief. for the first time I feel like I can take on the world. I feel like this is the fresh start ive waited for..

I'd like to say that’s the end of this story and that this marks the end of billy ruining my life... but in some ways its just the beginning. 

[anotheryeardown-blog]

The sex date. page 7.

there's messages saying “one last time to give you a real goodbye” and other dirty texts that made me want to throw up as well as kill someone. she says she had to prove to me that she was telling the truth and that he was lying. he’s never going to change. I get off work he's in his usual position.. on the couch doing absolutely nothing. I walk in mad as hell.. and say what the fuck is this. I show him everything...he goes that’s fake...  uhm fake? he says yea... I have her blocked on my phone...I text mandy saying this,.. she shows me the contact info..its his number..she then shows me that now when she texts him the texts aren't going through. so I call her. I put her on speaker. she goes at him full blast asking why he's doing this to me. he grabs his stuff and leaves. he doesn't say anything he just walks out. I'm thinking good...he’s gone. 

I spoke too soon. I forgot to get my key back...he texts me later asking if we can talk..telling me how sorry he was and how he wasn't actually ever going to go through with it... he says he knew she was setting him up.. “you really think I'm stupid enough to set a sex date up at your apartment while you’re at work with the the girl I know you’ve been talking to?”

uhm yes. yes I do. you really are that stupid. but so am i. out of everyone I'm the dumbest of all. I forgot he has my key he comes to bring it back and I know I shouldn’t have let him in, I knew he’d just weasel his way back in.. and guess what? he does. 

the a few days later..im off that Friday..we go to “his”house to grab some clothes. he goes inside.. I'm in the car waiting and I get a voicemail from an unknown number...its mandy...she says “hey, it’s me. I need you to call me.. I have to tell you something.. I feel really bad.” I call her.. she tells me that her and billy the other day (after the sex date plan) got together while she was on her lunch break and fucked in her car. I literally say what the fuck, why would you do that when you've tried everything you can to get me away from him. is this your way of pushing me away to get back with him? I hang up. she texts me telling me that ever since I messaged her asking for help they've been texting... to check his phone for the name “Jake.” tells me I've done nothing but ruin both their lives and they belong together....OH SO NOW I’M THE BAD GUY? she tells me to leave her the fuck alone and to never talk to her again. 

billy comes back to the car. I ask to see his phone and to see the Jake contact...he refuses to show me. we sit in silence as we go pick his son up from school..its a joyous(sarcasm) ride.. I have tears rolling down my face, silently sobbing as his son tells us what he learned that day..billy acts like nothing has happened and tries to include me in conversation,..again conveniently getting out of trouble. we’re at my apartment.. kid goes in my room to play fortnite.. billy and I get into a massive fight.. he throws a phone screams at me. blah blah blah.i run and shut myself in the bathroom because he's getting more and more aggressive. 

that Friday I met him and his friend at that bar after they went to a funeral... we had fun until billy got drunk, he got mad at me per usual.. we went home.. he called me a whore for making a joke that his friend has a better wink... grabbed my wrists and pushed me and told me to get away from him.. 

his son spends the weekend with us..sunday comes.it’s st Patricks day.. I play soccer on Sundays. he says he’s taking his kid to so they both can get their haircut..I ask who is cutting their hair, he says a buddies ex... he’ll be back before the game.... he takes my car(says there’s a truck blocking his car), .okay great...comes back.. hair is actually cut so for once he wasn’t lying. or so I thought. after my soccer game we go to the bar...had a great evening. talked things out and things seemed good. HA YEAH RIGHT.

Monday evening billy says his kid is staying with us.. his ex is going out...but he has a meeting with the boss of this new job of his and asks me to look after him until he comes home...says he won't be late... we’ve heard that before! his kid is online talking to his mom while she's out, she's pissed asking where billy is and why I'm watching him.. kid goes to bed and through out the night has come into my room multiple times asking where his dad is. 4 am rolls around... I have to get up for work soon.. but still no sign of dad. I call into work because I can't exactly leave him alone.. just then billy comes strolling in hugs me and says I'm so sorry. my phone died. I was in Dayton and there was a dui stop because of st Patricks day weekend...uhm its Monday bro. I'm exhausted, I feel sick where I've barely eaten or slept with everything going on lately. good thing I called off work because I slept all damn day...

billy tells me the chick who cut his hair offered to get him a bartending gig at the little bar next to the salon on Tuesday night while he's waiting on the check from his “new job”.. and Tuesday is when I finally decided I had had enough. 

[anotheryeardown-blog]

Valentines day. Page 6.

I get off work at 11pm..billy is supposed to be at my apartment with dinner. I get home...the dishes in the sink are soaking in water still warm, there's water on the floor of the bathroom and the towel is still wet like someone has just taken a shower... yet the apartment is empty...I call... no answer..I text..no reply. 

an hour later I get a text. I'm at the bar...I say I'll meet you there (its literally in walking distance to my apartment) he replies “no! Im leaving now to go to kroger and I'll be home... an hour later.... he comes in the door holding a balloon, an Oreo ice cream cake(my favorite), flowers and a couple bottles of wine and so pleased with himself. he says “see I'm nice, I'm so romantic.” and tells me to take a picture of him with all the stuff he’s done. talk about narcissistic... I do what he says.. we have a great night and I don't bring up the fact that he smells of booze, perfume and was late. 

that weekend billy says he wants me to meet his kid...to show me just how important I am.. okay great.. this kid is adorable..billy is the dad you want to see your man be..laddy da da.. whatever. things seem a little quiet if you know what I mean.. 

now you’re probably thinking what happened to Mandy? 

oh im not done with her... not even close..

Im at work...I get a text from ex number 2.. saying “do you work this weekend?” specifically saying the exact hours I'm scheduled to work that weekend. I say yes and asked how she knew that she sends me, she asks do you live in Oakley? I say yes.... she says unblock Mandy she has to show you something.. so I do..I literally text Mandy “what.” she then sends me screenshots between her and billy of them setting up a sex date. A SEX DATE.

[anotheryeardown-blog]

how many ghosts of the past are there? page 5

This message is from another ex of billy’s telling me that Mandy knows I blocked her, that she needs to me to believe her and doesn’t want me to get hurt. she too tells me things that billy has said or done as though it were out of a play book. apparently he uses the same lines on all of us.  how he has told all of us that we make him feel what it’s like to be loved.. that pam and Jim from the office are everything he wants you guys to be(makes you watch the show too), how he wants a labradoodle and wants to spend his life being better because that's what you deserve...seriously word for word like its out of a book...she tells me to unblock Mandy.. confused again... I unblock her. 

Mandy texts me saying she needs me to believe her that he’s not a good guy. he preys on those who are kind and that he can manipulate..basically moves in without you even realizing (holy shit he had) ..this goes on the next few days and so does billy’s drinking and disappearing and returning late at night drunk. but one night in particular stands out. he hadn’t been texting me or replying to my messages. I went to my parents house to stay because I needed a break. they live roughly 30 minutes away... nothing too far. at 2 am I get a call frantically asking me to come get him. he’s drunk(shocker), down town, someone has stolen $4000 from him and if I don’t come he was going to jail that night and hangs up. without question I get in my car to go get him. on my way he calls me 3-4 times asking where I was... like I could magically click my heels and be there. he gets mad saying don’t fucking come then, hangs up...calls back...babe where are you, I need you. I love you please come. after him changing the location of where I'm supposed to pick him up I finally reach him. he gets in the car. stares at me with this smile like he just won the lottery..thinking back it was creepy but at the time it came off endearing. he apologizes for everything he’s put me through, tells me I make him want to be better.... two minutes later he's yelling at me because he wants food...I didn’t bring my wallet with me and apparently someone stole his. I find $3 in change so we go to mcdonalds. he calms back down. we get home, he passes out. 

we wake up the next morning..he refuses to explain who took $4000 from him and the situation. starts getting mad so I drop it.. he also tells me that yesterday he “quit” his job because he was sick of his manager and his friend has a great opportunity for him that’s going to make him “so much money”.  I don't ask questions because at this point everything out of his mouth I'm not sure I believe. that night he tells me he’s meeting his step dad for dinner, he won't be long.. we all know how that one goes.. however this time he asks if he can borrow some money so he can buy some drinks...I reluctantly agree and give him $100. he leaves at 7..says he’ll be home at latest 10.... but we all know how that goes.. 2 am rolls around.. I'm still awake... he doesn’t answer calls..texts or anything. he comes in the door reeking of alcohol and old cigarettes. surprisingly this time in a good mood. saying aw you should’ve come. my step dad can't wait to meet you!...I say where were you..he says that his step dad wanted to go to OTR because he’s never been..(in the back of my mind I'm thinking why does an old dude want to go to otr) I turn over and go to sleep. I'll deal with it in the morning. at this point its February and almost valentines day... since the incident with his step dad things have calmed down and almost seem to be going back to normal besides for the few odd things I had noticed. Mandy is still telling me I need to leave. He’s also started hiding his phone more, leaving to go to the bathroom every two seconds.. going outside more and disappearing more. I also realize that when ever we go out...I drive. that’s when I see his keys.. he no longer had the keys for the fancy Nissan he picked me up in on our first date.. instead they're mangled keys to a Toyota corolla.. before I jump to conclusions one night when he disappears I watch him leave. I see him get into this old beaten up corolla that I had seen for days outside of my apartment. it all makes sense now..he “quit” his job at the car dealership so that means no fancy dealership car.. he’s stuck with his POS car.

I also notice that we never go to his place, we’re always at my apartment. so I ask him about it.. he reveals to me that the house he claims he has isn’t actually his. in fact its his friends + his wife’s house... he lives in their basement and it was embarrassing to tell me so he didn't. 

I find out that he smokes.. he always claimed that when he came home drunk it was from people smoking at the bars. I knew he was lying but at this point I was so overwhelmed with lies that that one seemed the least of my worries. 

one Friday we go to mad tree and I ask him about his car and what happened to the fancy one. he yells at me for constantly accusing him of lying and that he’s sick of it. I yet again apologize and drop it. the next few days are calm...I'm working a different schedule to normal, it’s valentines day and we have plans.

or so I thought. 

[anotheryeardown-blog]

unless you’ve lived it, you have no idea.page 4.

side note: Unless you’ve been in an abusive relationship or a manipulative toxic relationship, you don't and will not understand what I am about to write... you always wonder why doesn't the person being abused just leave... and ill tell you right now: it’s not that easy. the abuser makes it your fault and twists things making you question your sanity and somehow you end up being the one apologizing...you know what they're saying seems stupid. its almost like you’re watching yourself from an outer body experience. You’re yelling at yourself “ STOP. LEAVE. HE’S LYING.” but you’re paralyzed and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it, hoping it just stops..

-----> back to the story...the story that I call my life.

I got home from work.. he was sitting on my couch, watching my tv, eating my food. he said absolutely nothing to me and nor I to him. I went to the bathroom, turned on the shower and burst into tears.. seriously what had I gotten myself into. I came out after drowning myself in tears to a face the eyes of a crazy person. I thought to myself “well here’s where he hits me, he knows I talked to her(lets call her Mandy).” Mandy told him I messaged him wtf. but no... he looks at me and says “you’re not even going to say hi? are you okay?” and engulfs me in the biggest hug. I lose it. Im feeling so many emotions.. from get off of me I'm going to be sick I don't want to look at you let alone hug you ranging to don’t let me go because if you do im going to fall to the floor and melt into a puddle of tears. he pulls away from me holding my shoulders and asks me again what’s wrong. I tell him, I tell him I did what he asked me not to and I messaged Mandy. To say he was furious is an understatement. I show him every thing she sent to me, asked him to explain it. He has an answer for everything. Him going to jail was an accident and for a fight he got into at the Bengals game.. she has bruises from something else. there's no proof that he got dishonorably discharged that was something she pulled out of her ass. and he says it again, “she’s crazy.” she’s just mad that he broke off their engagement. I can’t explain it because I honestly don’t remember it. it’s blur but some how he convinces me that she's just a crazy ex gf.. he has me block her number but before I do I see I have a text from Mandy saying “are you okay?let me guess he’s telling you I'm crazy and just trying to sabotage your relationship?” HOW DID SHE KNOW THIS?..I block her number... 

he gives me a lecture on trusting each other and how I went behind his back after he specifically asked me not to message her... I apologize and say I'm sorry for going against him... looking back... why am I the one apologizing when I literally had evidence of all this stuff? 

he leaves saying he needs to calm down.. He comes back that night again while I'm asleep...busts through the door yelling that I betray him, don’t have his back and he’s done with this, “ I can get anyone I want, I don’t need this shit.”he’s drunk. we go through the routine of him trying to leave and me stopping him. he passes out.. this happens again the next couple of nights but still it’s my fault . I'm exhausted, I'm anxious, I'm depressed and have no idea what to do. that’s when I get another message on fb... from another ghost. 

[anotheryeardown-blog]

Ghost of the past. Page 3.

that night, I couldn’t get in touch with him for hours. there was no text replies, no answered phone calls. I was getting seriously worried that something horrible had happened(I lost a best friend due to alcohol/cars)...at 3 am He came home drunk(when I say home I mean to my apartment) and when I say drunk I mean couldn’t even stand and get his shoes off. he mumbled words I didn’t understand. I tried to get him into bed and he fought me saying no. saying he was going to leave. that was the last thing I wanted. he started shouting at me and saying how I deserved better than him and how he had done things he wasn’t proud of but wouldn't tell me what, he passed out on the couch. I went to bed and hoped the next day would be better. the next day he had no recollection of anything that had happened or anything he had said to me. 

Remember those “adorable” pictures I said we took after bowling? I posted one of them as my facebook profile picture and got more likes than ever before.. with that came a message. a message from someone I worked with..it said something like, “hey girl, I saw your profile picture and I need to tell you something. you’re boyfriend is not a good guy. normally I wouldn't say anything but I know what you’ve been through with your past relationship(don’t get me started on that story) and I don't want you to get hurt again.” I said I appreciate you telling me but what do you mean he's not a good guy?... she sent back a link to a blog...something similar to this actually. she said this is his ex fiancé( I knew he had an ex fiancé he said they called it off because it just wasn’t working and they grew apart). I suggest you reach out to her. and she gave me her name.. so I found her on facebook. I messaged her...”hey, you don’t know me and I don't know you but I'm dating “Billy” and someone told me to reach out to you to find out the truth about him.” 

Before I got a reply Billy noticed something was going on with me. I wear my heart on my sleeve and there is no hiding how I feel, both a blessing and a curse. I told him that someone messaged me saying what they did. he immediately got defensive and his demeanor completely changed. he said if I messaged his ex fiancé he was done because that’s what “crazy” girls do...I didn't tell him I already had... I went to the bathroom erased the message to his fiancé and sent a second one saying... he told me not to message you text me.” then I deleted that message...I came out of the bathroom he immediately grabbed my phone found her on fb (I deleted the search history too so it looked like I hadn’t been on her page) and he blocked her. I thought maybe I am being crazy? this wasn’t like me. I don't lie or send secret messages. But on the other hand I also thought he had to be hiding something to get so defensive. I didn’t get a reply until the next day while I was at work. and what she said was absolutely terrifying. my heart sunk and from there I had no idea what I had gotten myself into. She sent me a warning, a warning to get out while I can. I asked her to explain and from there I got pictures and text screenshots showing me that this guy who I had let into my home, into my home while I wasn’t there at that what a monster he was. Included were mugshots, pictures of this girl bruised and battered. a letter from him to her while he was in jail stating how sorry he was and declaring his love for her saying it would never happen again and pleading for her not to cancel their wedding (she also told me that the wedding was supposed to be this October). she told me how the stories of him being deployed were fake. he had actually been dishonorably discharged from the army for stealing...STEALING! He had never been deployed and the army backpack he carried around( sitting on my bedroom floor) was a backpack he had ordered online. she told me I needed to get him out of my home. she also told me the things he had said to me verbatim like they were right out of a script. that's when I new this girl was telling the truth.. she tells me the reason he was divorced was actually the opposite of what he told me... he told me she cheated on him and they divorced..she tells me he was the one who cheated, he hit her and she took his rights away to see his kid up until recently...then she told me to go home, act like nothing was wrong wait til he left, get my key back and never let him in again but whatever I do... be careful.

[anotheryeardown-blog]

The catch.Page 2.

---> and so it begins. The catches(oh yes, more than just one).

As I said we were pretty much inseparable after the first couple dates. I know you’re thinking, woah slow down. it’s a new relationship and you need to get to know each other better. Listen, we talked so frequently that I knew everything about him... well I thought I did...

I’m a nurse so I work weird hours. He worked at a car dealership. One evening after work we had a plan that he’d come over we’d watch a movie, door dash some food. something low-key...and have an early night because I worked the next day.. he called me at roughly 830pm saying he was going to get a drink with his boss and he’d be over. I naturally was frustrated because I need to go to bed soon considering I wake up at 6am.. I fell asleep on the couch, at 3 am I woke up, no call, no signs of him...I texted him saying something along the lines of “where are you? are you okay” I saw the 3 ... you know the ones you get on iMessage. it said “I had to go home, something came up.” that was it. I texted him again but got no response.

the next day at work I waited for my normal morning text but by 10 am I hadn’t received anything. Usually by 8 I'd have some cheesy text saying good morning beautiful...but there was nothing..the one thing I did have was the weirdest feeling. something seemed off. for some reason I felt I had to get on fb and check his page but nothing came up...I got the “error, try again.” message over and over. I texted my best friend asking her to try.you know call in reinforcements..she got the same message... little did he know I had an old facebook page that I used back in the day before I got a new one. So I sign on...type in his name and oh guess who appears? BUT WAIT ... “billy is in a relationship with ******”...im sorry what?? I screen shot it and immediately text him saying what the hell. you need to explain right now. he responded.. what do you mean? so I send him the screenshot.... he says “we need to talk when you get the chance.” so like any human you instantly go straight to the worst when some one says that...well remember when I said I have horrible anxiety? well... queue the melt down...keep in mind I'm still at work... I had to have some one come relieve me to excuse myself to go talk to this piece of shit. I go to the bathroom, tears rolling down my face like the Niagra Falls. good thing it was a lone bathroom, had anyone walked in they probably thought someone on the other end of the phone line had told me someone died. He answers and sounds absolutely panicked.I tried to seem like I wasn't having a melt down, put on my angry voice and said “explain, right now. what the actual hell.” he responds by saying something like.. that’s why I couldn’t come over last night.. something came up... I said uhm what like some other chick? he then rattles off this story about how this girl claims she’s pregnant and she’s crazy so it was just a Spurr of the moment thing and so she would stay calm and give him answers he put that they were in a relationship...UHM IM SORRY WHAT? someone tells you they're pregnant and your first thought is to block the girl you’re dating (we had told each other we were exclusive and only dating each other at this point),her best friend and then be in a relationship with the woman claiming you got her pregnant? in what world does that make sense. He riddled off how sorry and confused he was.. at one point legitimately sounded like he was crying. I actually started feeling bad for him. I calmed down and told him I could deal with someone prior to me being pregnant... we’d figure it out.. but it was the fact that he did the relationship thing. he said he’d delete it and he did. His plan was to have her take a pregnancy test and stuff because she was as he said “batshit crazy” she already has 5 kids... UHM WHAT.

the next few days were rough to say the least. I was confused and had no idea what to do. we barely spoke and probably any sane human would've thought this is a new relationship, this is too much. I'm done. and walk away. Now normally that’s exactly what I would've done. but Billy...he was a salesman and the best thing he sold was himself. he had a way with words and could make you believe anything..A few days later he called and said she wasn’t pregnant and everything was right in the world. he went out with his friend that Friday and “celebrated.” which ok, you’ve had a stressful week, go let some steam off.  little did I know that was the start of something I was not prepared for. 

[anotheryeardown-blog]

Tinder hell. page 1.

We all go through “stuff.” But this last year has been something I’ve struggled to overcome. My whole life i’ve struggled with depression and anxiety on a level that most people don’t understand..and I thought I was doing well but then the nightmares started..I'm on my last resort..This blog isn’t to ask for sympathy it’s simply a way to try and help myself move on and cope. I’ve tried everything else so why not write about it. And if it happens to help someone or someone has a similar story to maybe help me feel not so alone. I realize this is a long post and probably not a soul will read it, and that’s okay. maybe seeing my story and getting it out will help me.

This story starts late January. I was single and my friends urged me to join tinder so I can get back into the swing of things...start meeting people, because apparently that’s the only way people my age do things now days. That's where I met Prince Charming, we’ll call him Billy. He’s everything a girl dreams of. Tall, dark, handsome and eyes that cut straight through you. He had the personality to match; charming, funny, intelligent and charismatic. According to his profile was a veteran who had been deployed, divorced(didn’t bother me, a lot of people my age that seems to be common unfortunately),also had an adorable son. So without hesitation I swiped right ->>>it’s a match! so now I wait? Am I supposed to message him? If I do, what if he doesn’t answer? I had no clue how this thing worked, so I waited. I accidentally super liked multiple people without knowing what I was doing and hoped they wouldn't message me but him...him I wanted a message from. It wasn't even 10 minutes later that I got a message. no cheesy pick up line...just straight to it. It wasn’t like other conversations that went no where, it flowed, there were no awkward pauses. We had all the right things in common, TV, music, sense of humor. I was constantly smiling cheek to cheek glad that I lived alone and no one could see just how silly I looked. It quickly went from messenger to him asking for my number. Within days we were planning on meeting. 

----->the first date: even more handsome in person, a gentleman in all the right ways but not too overwhelming. he picks me up in a fancy car, He took me to dinner and just like it did behind a phone, conversation flowed seamlessly. He insisted that we see each other the next day... so we did. We went bowling with his friends and had the best time. they accepted me and made me feel like a part of the group.  It honestly felt like I had known him and his friends for years. When we left one of the girls hugged me and said “I really hope we get to see you again,” now you’re probably thinking well that’s sweet but for some reason the way she said it was questionable. I thought hmm... me being me, maybe I'm just paranoid. It was snowing quite hard so we had driven my jeep and on the way home, it was like a scene from a Hallmark movie. He randomly pulled over and we took the most adorable pictures together. I thought to myself holy sh*t this guy is amazing.. I definitely was being just paranoid...just enjoy yourself. so from there we were inseparable. he was constantly at my apartment which was fine, I didn’t want to drive in the snow  anyway. 

But with every good thing comes a catch. it was almost a too good to be true situation, if you will..